id	quote
19890416	Door: Dilbert's lab. Dilbert: I've decided we should operate along more classic lines, like Dr. Frankenstein's lab. You know what this makes you? Dogbert: I've got a hunch... Dilbert: Let's practice... Dogbert, fetch me a brain! Dogbert: Like your present model, or one that works? 
19890420	Dilbert: I'm really nervous about this presentation for the big boss. Got any tips for me? Dogbert: Remember to bring a bunch of coins to jangle self-consciously in your pockets. ...Avoid eye contact and don't pause to explain acronyms. Dilbert: I wish I could tell when you're kidding. 
19890421	Dilbert: My new invention screens out all unpleasant sights. Try it. Well, what do you think? Dogbert: Who said that? Dilbert: The hand that used to feed you. 
19890425	Dilbert: I thought I had this tuxedo thing figured out. But what the heck is this? Dogbert: Oh, that's the kumberbuzle. You wear it on your head like a sweatband. Then you clip your pens and pencils to the kumberbuzle. Dilbert: Ah, that explains why the shirt has no pocket. 
19890427	Dilbert: HOO-HOO-HEE-HA!...No, that's not it. Do you suppose other people practice laughing when they're alone. Dogbert: Of course. Time for your sneezing drill. Dilbert: Other people make it sound so natural. 
19890501	Phil: Oh good, the last stop of the day. Mailbox: Dilbert. Phil: Freeze, mortal! Let me see the expiration date on that milk! Dilbert: I can go to hell for drinking old milk?! Phil: Nah. I'm from "heck." We handle the little stuff. 
19890505	Dogbert: I think you should see a lawyer before unleashing this new invention on mankind. Caption: Later... Dilbert: ...I'm afraid my new invention will expose me to lots of lawsuits. Will you advise me? Lawyer: No. Sounds to me like I can make more money by suing you. 
19890506	Dilbert: Gee, how could anybody be opposed to building more roads? Every time I see highway construction... ...Some protester has already put up a sign. Sign: End construction. 
19890508	Alien 1: Uh...Excuse me, Earth dog. We have traveled from a distant planet to find out why Earth dogs are forced to eat from dirty little bowls while humans use plates. Dogbert: Well, basically, it's political. It all began after the unsuccessful poodle rebellion in France, around 1723... Alien 2: Better use a pencil... 
19890510	Monitor: Chapter IV. "Time management." "Always postpone meetings with time-wasting morons." Dilbert: How do you do that? Dogbert: Can I get back to you on that? 
19890511	Salesman: Welcome to Electrode Hut. I'm half your age, and I know more about electronics than you ever will. May I help you? Dilbert: Yes. I would like a half-dozen niad pulse converters and an anza brush. Or am I bluffing? Salesman: This guy is GOOD. 
19890513	Dilbert: It's so awkward to walk past strangers in hallways; You always gotta avoid eye contact. I know - I'll wait until we're near and then pick up that little piece of fuzz on the carpet there. ...Then we both went for the carpet fuzz. Dogbert: Smooth. 
19890515	Dilbert: Well? What do you think of my new poem? Dogbert: I once read that given infinite time, a thousand monkeys with typewriters would eventually write the entire works of Shakespeare. Dilbert: But what about MY poem? Dogbert: Three monkeys, ten minutes. 
19890517	Dilbert: Notice anything different, Dogbert? Dogbert: Uh... Dilbert: I'm wearing THREE pens, not just two. Dogbert: That's a pretty bold fashion statement. Dilbert: I guess I was out of control. 
19890518	(Rrrr.) (POW!) Dogbert: Regrettably, you violated my air space. 
19890520	Dilbert: Alice brought her new baby to the office today. What are you supposed to say when somebody shows you a baby? Dogbert: "Precious" usually works. Dilbert: Judging from the reaction, "bug-ugly" wasn't what she was looking for. 
19890522	Dilbert: Imagine my surprise when I saw this ad for Doctor Dogbert's seminar on developing self-confidence. Okay, what's the scam? Dogbert: I figured this would be a good way to find a bunch of meek people to do my bidding. If they refuse, I'll yell at them and hurt their little feelings. Then I'll leverage that power into vast wealth or maybe world domination. Dilbert: No! Bad doggy! 
19890523	Dilbert: I had an imaginary friend when I was a kid. But he told me I was boring and he ran away. Dogbert: There are times when no snide comment seems adequate. 
19890526	Dilbert: I hate this: Somebody is just far enough behind me that it would be awkward to hold the door, but rude to let it swing. I'll just pick the pace and act like I didn't notice anybody behind me. (WUMP!) Doors at the tops of stairs are the worst. (AAAAGH!! Thumpa-thumpa-thumpa-thump.) 
19890527	Dilbert: What do you think about this new Soviet policy of openness? Paper: News. Dogbert: Actually, I'm not even sure that Gorbachev exists. Guess I'm just kinda "Glasnostic." Dilbert: I shouldn't let you drink coffee. Paper: News. 
19890530	Dilbert: Do you like my new clip-on necktie? Dogbert: It's very nice. Good colors. Nice pattern. Why, with a tie like that, DON'T be surprised if you get an offer to pose for GQ MAGAZINE! Dilbert: I think you crossed that fine line between polite lying and outright sarcasm. Dogbert: The momentum carried me. 
19890601	Dogbert: You know, dogs can sense earthquakes before they happen. Here comes one now. This has potential to keep me entertained for weeks. 
19890602	Dogbert: Sometimes I think the brain holds great powers waiting to be discovered. It's almost as if I can make this ball levitate with pure mind power. Mmmmmmm. Dang. Nothing. Dilbert: Whump. 
19890606	Dilbert: Admit it: You don't think I'm manly enough to take sky diving lessons, do you? Dogbert: That never crossed my mind. Dilbert: Good. Dogbert: However, it did occur to me that you could be the first sky diver to grab his necktie instead of the ripcord and choke himself to death on the way down. 
19890612	Dilbert: Wow! This survey says that a woman over 35 has the same odds of getting married as being killed by a terrorist. Dogbert: Of the ones who do get married, how many marry terrorists? Dilbert: One in four. Dogbert: Gosh. 
19890613	Dilbert: Did you ever notice that people walk a little differently when other people are watching? Dogbert: No, never. Dilbert: Don't you need to go anywhere? Dogbert: After you, banjo legs. 
19890614	Caption: Pun wars: how they start. Dilbert: I'm feeling a little hoarse? Dogbert: Horse? Caption: Escalation is inevitable. Dogbert: Maybe you got a colt. Dilbert: I need some cough stirrup. Dogbert: Are you gelding a fever? Dilbert: It's mare-ly a sore throat. Dogbert: Hope you filly better. Dilbert: Uh... Caption: In the end, nobody wins. Dilbert: You're ugly! Dogbert: I win. 
19890619	Dogbert: We're out of flour. Dilbert: I know. Dogbert: And did you know that the bag of white powder in your lab looks just like flour? Dilbert: Uh... Dogbert: And you know how huge, mutated cupcakes will occasionally eat the neighbor's Chevy? Dilbert: This better be a bad analogy. 
19890621	Letter: "Single, dumpy and dull male seeks young and beautiful woman for romance." Dilbert: The key to writing a successful "personals" ad is honesty...complete and total honesty. Dogbert: What species are you targeting? 
19890622	Dilbert: Ooh boy! Looks like another one of those flying dreams I keep having. This is great! I just hope I don't crash and wake up this time. Zzzz. Dogbert: Houston, we are experiencing difficulty. 
19890623	Dilbert: I knew I shouldn't have left the laundry in the washer all night. Dogbert: I'll get a chisel. Dilbert: It seems to have coagulated into a grotesque dried-up-fiber-donut-sculpture kind-of-a-thing. I think this is a sleeve of my sport coat. Dogbert: Do you want that in a size 38? 
19890627	GrimReaper: Gilbert, your time has come. Dilbert: Gilbert?! My name is DILBERT! You have the wrong guy! GrimReaper: Oops! Sorry. Mind if I just wait around until your number comes up? 
19890630	Dilbert: There...My program proves that pretty women have extremely bad personalities. This is based on the input that pretty women are never nice to me. Dogbert: Why does the screen say, "or you are a geek"? Dilbert: Darn! I thought I fixed that bug. 
19890701	Dogbert: There...perfect. Dilbert: What's that, Dogbert? Dogbert: I've created the velcro shirt pocket! It attaches to your chest hairs while swimming or showering. Dilbert: Hmm...might work. Dogbert: You may also be interested in my new velcro chest hair. 
19890703	Dilbert: Are you sure you don't want to join the neighborhood watch group? Dogbert: This is ridiculous. You all know that every single crime in this neighborhood was committed by one guy: Bad Ed. Dilbert: We can't actually prove that. Dogbert: I'm just saying maybe you shouldn't have elected him group leader. 
19890706	Dilbert: If I stay with my company for ten years, I get a watch and lunch with my boss. Dogbert: What do you get for twenty years? Dilbert: Lunch without my boss. 
19890707	Dogbert: How's your new "stealth" cloaking invention coming along? Can't find it, huh? Dilbert: Shaddup. 
19890708	Dilbert: I'm looking for a fine wool suit, in the $700 range. Something fashionable yet timeless. Salesman: Try this $35 nylon beauty, suitable for swimming or dining out. The bell bottoms are no extra charge. Dilbert: Wow! I guess I was just born to be a fashion pioneer. 
19890710	Dilbert: ...And nature has a way of compensating for weaknesses. Dogbert: Really? Dilbert: That's why blind people often develop great hearing. Dogbert: I guess that also explains why stupid people have big mouths. 
19890712	Dogbert: Look! I've created the world's first completely reusable newspaper. Dilbert: Pope denounces violence...Home prices rise...Unrest in the Mideast... Dogbert: Generic news! Dilbert: How much? Dogbert: A thousand bucks. You'll never need another one. 
19890713	Dilbert: I asked Debbie for a date, but she said she was feeling antisocial tonight. Then I asked Laura, but she said she was feeling antisocial, too...So Debbie and Laura decided to go to the movies with each other. Dogbert: Those antisocial people always seem to hang out together. Dilbert: Yeah... 
19890717	Dilbert: My computer simulation will determine, once and for all, the real reason dinosaurs became extinct. Wait...According to this, it would be almost impossible for ALL dinosaurs to be extinct. Dogbert: Then they must just be... Both: ...Hiding. Bob: Yeah? Just try to find us. Dawn: Shhhh! 
19890719	Bob: Hey...You were right. Dinosaurs aren't extinct. I'm Bob. She's Dawn. We were hiding in your house. Dilbert: Only one kind of dinosaur could hide that well... Dawn: Correct: a nobodysaurus. 
19890728	Dilbert: I do NOT snore. And I do NOT believe you made this recording of me last night. Recorder: Eeowaha-mmph-grzlawa. Dilbert: In fact, this tape box says "National Geographic's songs of the whale." Recorder: Eoowaha geowmzla. Dogbert: So, you admit that even National Geographic can't tell the difference between your snoring and a twenty-ton kelp-scarfing mammal. 
19890729	Dogbert: I'm having nightmares. Move over. Dilbert: Just don't hog all the covers. At least give me my pajama top... Dogbert: Shhh... 
19890731	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to meet Mr. Snow -- your new boss. Dilbert: Hello, Mr. Snow. Neal: Neal, please. That's my NAME: "Neal." Dilbert: Uh...contact lens... 
19890801	Dogbert: So when your new boss said his name was "Neal", you thought he meant k-n-e-e-l...so you... Dilbert: Yes... Dogbert: HA HA HA!! HA HA HA HA!! HA HA HA!! HA HA!! Dilbert: Thank you for understanding. Dogbert: Boy it's a good thing his name isn't something like "Eatachair." 
19890802	Signs: Scaparotti's restaurant / Open / No pets. Dilbert: Just try to act human. Two ravioli supremes and garlic bread. Dogbert: And a cat... Dilbert: That's "catsup," my friend would like some CATSUP. Dogbert: Maybe something Siamese... Sign: No pets. 
19890805	Caption: Dilbert demonstrates the art of joke telling. Dilbert: ...So the first guy orders a beer and a cactus... Caption: A good joke teller will seek to establish a pattern. Dilbert: ...Then the second guy...heh, heh...orders a beer and a cactus... Caption: Tomorrow's lesson: timing. Dilbert: ...So then the seventy-third guy comes in... Dogbert: Zzzzz. 
19890808	Dogbert: Please read these brochures. It could save your life. Dilbert: "Electronics anonymous"? Dogbert: Let's take the enclosed quiz. Number one: How many options do you have on your toaster? Dilbert: Does that include the toaster disk drive and printer? Dogbert: I think we can skip directly to the emergency application form. 
19890812	Dilbert: Sometimes I get this wicked urge to take two newspapers and only pay for one. What's the worst that can happen? Besides, this machine ate my money last time. Paper: News. THIEF! 
19890814	Dilbert: This book says the best time to pick up women is while walking a dog. Dogbert: Let's try it. YO! BABY! WHOA WHOA! SHAKE IT, DON'T BREAK IT! COME AND GET YOUR SINGLE MALE!! Dilbert: I think this method is overrated. Dogbert: FORM ONE LINE! NO PUSHING! 
19890815	Television: And in national news... Critics today accused the management of Megaslime Corporation of being hideous reptilian aliens bent on enslaving the Earth. A spokesman for the company denied the charge. Dilbert: Whew! 
19890816	Radio: Critics continued their accusations that the management of Megaslime Corporation is made up of reptilian aliens from another planet. A company spokesman offered to eat a bug and not enjoy it, thus proving they are not reptilian. Critics responded by insisting on a live gerbil instead of a bug. Merv Griffin announced that he would launch a new game show based on the concept. Dogbert: The man is a visionary. 
19890817	Dogbert: If a man eats a pound of pasta and a pound of antipasto... ...Would they cancel each other out, leaving the man still hungry? Dilbert: I can't imagine Socrates and Plato debating that question. Dogbert: Too hard, huh? 
19890821	Dilbert: What are you writing? Dogbert: It's my new self-help book for compulsive shoppers. (Click click click.) Dilbert: What to YOU know about compulsive shoppers? Dogbert: I know they buy a lot of books. 
19890826	Dilbert: According to Einstein, time slows down as you approach the speed of light. Dogbert: Didn't he also prove that time flies when you're having fun? So, if you walk slower, do you have more fun or just get more light? Were we finished here? 
19890828	Dilbert: I don't understand how you can become a certified swami by mail in three weeks. Dogbert: Oh, I'm just a trainee. In the beginning you just keep it general, to build the trust of your clientele. Eventually, you will die... 
19890830	Dilbert: Oh, please, please, please... Yay! It's here! Nothing quite matches the thrill of the "toast of the month" club. 
19890831	Signs: Wally's Laundry / Shirts $1.25. Wally: We accidentally ruined your shirts - So we added a little glue and wrapped them around a stick. Dogbert: Granted, it was good initiative, but in my view, it was not a tipping situation. 
19890904	Dogbert: You're just in time to taste my new cake. Dilbert: Yum. Great cake, but shouldn't it have frosting? Mmm... Dogbert: Oh no! Frosting is very bad for you. Dilbert: Gee, I never knew that frosting was bad for me. Dogbert: That's why I licked it all off. 
19890905	Dilbert: Oh no, not this cashier again. She always hands back my change right over my soda. I just know she's trying to make me drop a dime in my drink. No! No! No! Cashier: Fake left... Dilbert: It's not the coins in the soda that get me; It's that darned celebration dance she does. 
19890906	Marketer: So, Dilbert, this is the prototype you've been working on for the last six months? Dilbert: Yes, sir. I'm proud to say that this baby can transform worthless pocket lint into a valuable parsley substitute! Marketer: Well, this looks absolutely brilliant and completely unmarketable. Dilbert: Thanks. I'm technology driven. 
19890910	Dilbert: You've been reading that world almanac for hours. Dogbert: I'm looking for nations I can conquer on a limited budget. Here's one: "Andorra. 185 square miles. Only 56,000 people. Joint rule by France and Spain..." Hmm..."King Dogbert of Andorra" has a nice ring to it. Now I just need some mercenaries. Dilbert: How are you going to pay for mercenaries? Dogbert: I'll float some junk bonds until we can loot the treasury of Andorra. Dilbert: It strikes me as a bit unethical. Dogbert: Apparently I'll have to imprison some dissidents. 
19890912	Dogbert: Whoa! Looks like we got a pippin hawk, a prickly beak mud swallow, and a bald eagle. Dilbert: Robin. How is it that you have spotted 1,700 exotic birds this morning and all I have see is one robin? Dogbert: Look! A monkey-faced disco hawk!! Dilbert: Where?! 
19890913	Dogbert: To his horror, Dilbert discovers that all of his white socks have holes. "My goodness!" he cries, "I shall be forced to wear black socks to work!" If only my pants reached the tops of my shoes, then the other engineers might not notice," Dilbert despaired. Dilbert: What are you writing? Dogbert: It's a "geek" tragedy. 
19890915	Dilbert: Oh, carp. This is the third time today that I will walk by this same guy in the hall. I barely know him. This is so awkward. The first time, I said "hello." The second time we both made those closed-mouth grins and arched our eyebrows. What do I do the third time? ...So I pulled the fire alarm. Dogbert: I don't think Miss Manners is gonna back you on this one. 
19890916	Dogbert: Did you ever get to thinking that maybe you are just an android, placed on Earth by an advanced civilization of huge radish-like aliens who are studying your every move? Dilbert: No. Dogbert: Me neither. 
19890921	Manager: Well, Dilbert, you seem qualified for this promotion, but I have one concern. Since your work would be evaluated by many people... Can you handle criticism? Dilbert: Oh, easily. For example, your toupee looks like a mule-stomped gopher... ...Turns out it was a trick question. Dogbert: Boy, you can't trust those bald guys. 
19890922	Dilbert: Hey, Dogbert, you want to go camping this weekend? Dogbert: Why don't we just sleep in the garage, eat bugs and not take showers. Dilbert: That is COMPLETELY different from camping, for reasons which will come to me. Dogbert: Because we might not get lost? 
19890929	Dilbert: ...But I wasn't always a conservative engineer-type. I was quite the little rebel when I was a kid. Caption: Flashback. Dilbert: Potato salad again? I've GOT to speak out on this issue. 
19890930	Dogbert: I should keep myself busier. Time flies when you're busy... Which means you die sooner. I'd better sit right here. 
19891012	Dilbert: Care to join me for a walk? Dogbert: Sure. I hope you aren't planning to chew that gum at the same time. Dilbert: Very funny. Boy! This is a lot harder than you would think. Dogbert: Rrrr. 
19891013	Dilbert: There...I've plotted Jenny Dworkin's normal speed, habits and tendencies into my computer. Now I'll be able to predict her location and bump into her as if by coincidence. Dogbert: Why don't you just call her, say you like her and ask her out? Dilbert: No, that would seem too contrived. 
19891016	Dilbert: You what?! Ethel: I spent all of your money. Terribly sorry. Sign: Bank of Ethel. Dilbert: This is outrageous! How can you spend all of MY money?!! Ethel: Oh, Mr. Moneybags. Like it was SO MUCH. Dilbert: Oooh! I am ACTIVELY considering taking my business elsewhere! Ethel: Are you making a deposit or just wasting my time? Sign: Bank of Ethel. 
19891021	Dilbert: You know what I hate? Dogbert: What? Dilbert: I hate it when hundreds of people get together and throw a surprise birthday party for me. Dogbert: It's amazing how nature protects us from the things we hate. 
19891024	Dogbert: Maybe I should write a book. Nah...Maybe I should just read a book. Maybe I'll just read the TV guide...Maybe I'll just watch whatever's on and turn into pudding... 
19891025	Dilbert: Sometimes I feel like a kid in an adult's body, hoping nobody notices. It's as if I stopped maturing and just started faking it after age fourteen. I'll bet women never feel that way. Woman: Cooties. 
19891026	Grocer: Hold it right there, fella! Dilbert: Uh-oh...You must have seen me eat that grape in aisle "B." Grocer: I just want to make sure you pay for it. Looks like 192 pounds. What were you before you came in? Dilbert: Happy. 
19891029	Dilbert: They were rude to me at the bank again, Dogbert. I've had enough...Sic 'em, boy!! Signs: 6 month CDs 3% / Open. Dogbert: Hi. I'm David Packard; billionaire founder of Hewlett-Packard. ...And I'd like to put all of my money into one of your non-interest bearing accounts. Ethel: You're nod David Packard. You're just a dreadful little dog with glasses. Then again...I've never seen a picture of David Packard...I'd better open the account. Dogbert: Very good. Now give me fifty push-ups or I'll take my business elsewhere. 
19891101	Television: Tonight Siskel and Ebert review Dilbert's life. ...Boring and stupid...Look out, Gene; I'm gonna have to spit to get the taste out of my mouth... Oops. Sorry, Gene. Dilbert: I hate it when they do these theme shows. (Click.) 
19891107	Bully: Yo, Dilbert, give me your lunch money or I'll erase your data diskettes. Dilbert: Touch my data and I'll erase my mention of you from the main payroll computer. Bully: No...Please, I'm sorry. Dilbert: Nothing is more pathetic than an aging school bully. Bully: I took shop; I can make you some nice bookends. 
19891109	Dilbert: I wish this guy wouldn't try to be polite and hold the door. I'm at this awkward distance where I should lunge forward so he doesn't have to hold the door too long. Oh, thank you. Man: Great. Now I'm late. Dilbert: I lunged as fast as I could. Sorry. 
19891110	Man: Hey, how are you? What's happenin'? Good to see you. I'm fine. Great, great. Take care. Dilbert: I guess there was no real need for me to participate in that. 
19891111	Dilbert: All of us cosmopolitan guys use credit cards to pay for dinner. Uh-oh...I never know which part of the paperwork to keep. I know something gets ripped up... ...And by the time I noticed the tablecloth was tangled up with the carbon paper, I had ripped both of them to bits. Dogbert: And that's wrong? 
19891116	Dilbert: Uh-oh...double doors...One side is always locked and I make a fool of myself trying to open it. Which side is it? Left? Right? People are watching. Think, think... That's when I noticed that the ventilation ducts were big enough for a human to crawl through. Dogbert: Too bad they didn't lead outside. 
19891122	Dilbert: YIKES! What are you?! Ego: Do not panic. I am your ego. Dilbert: My ego??...Shouldn't you be inside me someplace? Ego: Well, yes, normally we egos feed within the body. Dilbert: So what the heck are you doing out here? Ego: You're starving me, man. I'm going to try out for a play or something. 
19891202	Executive: Well, Dilbert, will our idea work from a technical perspective? Dilbert: I wasn't listening...Now I'll have to babble about irrelevant technical things until they lose consciousness. And in conclusion, never underestimate the power of technology. Executives: Zzz, zzz, zzz. 
19891205	Garbageman: Pardon me, sir, but I couldn't help noticing these equations in your garbage. I took the liberty of correcting a few quantum calculations. Dilbert: Gosh, why are you a garbage man? Garbageman: I think the question is "Why are YOU an engineer?" 
19891218	Dilbert: That's right...cough - cough!...I won't be in to work...Cough - wheeze - cough... Bad cold? Well no, actually I have a bad headache... But I don't know how to make a headache sound over the phone. 
19891220	Dilbert: I'm afraid I'll never figure out how to make my invention work. Dogbert: You are too logical. Use the right side of your brain. Dilbert: Hmm...Yes, I must call on my creative side... Now it doesn't work AND I want to cry. 
19891225	Sign: Free hypnosis lessons! Dilbert: Hmm... There's probably some catch, but it's worth a look. ...A wonderful class...I must tell my friends. 
19891229	Dilbert: I was rewarded today for perfect attendance at work. Dogbert: What do you get? Dilbert: A day off with pay. Dogbert: It's a miracle your species has survived this long. 
19900101	Dogbert: I'm grumpy today, so don't even try to talk to me. Paper: News. Dogbert: And don't try to flatter me or give me chocolate cake to make me feel better. Dilbert: And I guess I shouldn't scratch you behind the ears until you have little leg spasms. Dogbert: Right. None of that. 
19900106	Dilbert: Do you have something for a headache? Pharmacist: I'm pretty sure this will do the trick. Dilbert: Thanks. Pharmacist: I wonder if he meant something to GET RID of a headache? Nah... 
19900108	Dogbert: I've got to get out of this bad mood somehow. I'll have to find somebody innocent to blame...And make him plead for my forgiveness. Dilbert: Hi, Dogbert. Dogbert: Is that some kind of an insult? 
19900109	Dogbert: I can feel the static electricity building. (Shuffle shuffle shuffle shuffle.) (Shuffle shuffle.) (Shuffle shuffle.) Dilbert: I most certainly will NOT call you "Thor, dog of thunder." Dogbert: Prepare to die. 
19900112	Tester: I'm sorry, but it seems you've failed the written portion of the dog license test. Dogbert: Impossible! Tester: For example, this question on "natural enemies": The correct answer is "mailman." You wrote-in "fax machine." Dilbert: How'd it go? Dogbert: The "department of dogs" does not keep up with emerging trends. 
19900113	Dilbert: I think it's my fuel pump. Mechanic: Your what? Dilbert: What I mean is I think it's my @*!#* fuel pump. Mechanic: Well, why didn't you just #$@* say so? Dilbert: Sorry...I forgot where I was. 
19900116	Dilbert: Can't I talk you out of becoming a substitute teacher? Dogbert: Don't worry. I won't damage the little tykes. Caption: Day one. Dogbert: Good morning, children. I'm Mr. Dogbert. Children: Are you flammable? 
19900123	Doctor: Normally I'd give you six months to live. But we're having a "50% off sale" today, so I'll give you a full year for the same price. And you get an extra ten days if you pay cash! 
19900125	Doctor: It seems we had a mix-up with your test results. Dilbert: Then I'm not dying? Doctor: We doctors are amazingly smart, but occasionally we make a little error. Dilbert: Well...I understand. Doctor: By the way, your pap smear was normal. 
19900126	Dogbert: By my calculations, we can make millions by combining a mortuary business and a garbage collection business. Our customers could simply leave the dearly departed by the curb for pick-up. Dilbert: Maybe we could add pizza delivery, too. Dogbert: Let's not push a good idea too far. 
19900128	Dogbert: Ha ha ha! My scheme to conquer Earth is right on track! I've been approved for a Macy's credit card! I'll use this credit history to apply for Visa and Mastercard. Soon I'll have credit cards from every bank in the world. Then I'll do a cash advance on every card, netting billions to form a world-wide lottery prize. And everybody who supports me as supreme ruler of Earth gets one free lottery ticket. Dilbert: You know, most dogs would be delighted just to get a nice chew-toy. 
19900129	Dogbert: I've decided to write down all of the so-called "unwritten rules." So far I have "don't phone after ten p.m." and...uh... Dilbert: That's it? Dogbert: How about "don't throw porcupines in a balloon store"? 
19900201	Dogbert: According to my research, dogs are exempt from human laws. The great part is that I can commit any crime and my owner will be held fully responsible. I'm hoping you won't take a selfish view about this. 
19900202	Woman: Thanks for asking me out. Would you like to see my operating manual? Dilbert: Operating manual? Woman: It's an aid to men. It covers everything from "buying flowers" to "opening doors." Dilbert: Looks like you're due to have your jewelry rotated. Woman: Every thirty days. Saves money in the long run. 
19900205	Dilbert: Ugh...What time is it?...Where am I?...Who am I? Must be morning...Is this a work day? Do I have a job?...Is it worth getting up for? "Morning amnesia": Nature's way of keeping you from waking up screaming. 
19900209	Caption: Dogbert performs a scientific test of so-called "women's intuition." Dogbert: I'm thinking of a number between one and ten. Woman: 5.1362894...No, I'll say three. Dogbert: Wrong! The answer is 5.1362894...I'm beginning to wonder if you're really a woman. 
19900214	Caption: Dogbert meets the Soviet-exchange program dog. Dogbert: He seems harmless. Dorgy: Greetings, comrade Dogbert. I have come to learn capitalist system from dog's perspective. ...And your god is this Donald Trump? Dogbert: I don't think it's official yet. 
19900215	Dogbert: You see, Dorgy, under our capitalist system anybody can become rich. Dorgy: How? Dogbert: Inheritance and crime are the most popular methods. Dorgy: Which is preferred method? Dogbert: It's best to have your parents do the crime and let you inherit it. 
19900216	Dilbert: Dorgy, why are you dressed like a maid? Dorgy: Dogbert is teaching me capitalism. Today I am lowly maid. But with hard work I will be promoted to job as major industrialist. Right? Apparently there is a flaw in the system. Dogbert: Yeah, but we blame it on the Japanese. 
19900217	Dilbert: The great thing about dogs is their loyalty. Dogbert: I flushed all of your sweaters down the john, because it was fun. Dilbert: Dogs are honest, too. Dogbert: And I'll do it again. HA HA HA! 
19900219	Dilbert: Hello, is this the library reference desk? Phone: Yes. Dilbert: What's the average running speed of the Tazmanian Boola-Boola dog? Phone: 8.3 miles per hour. Dilbert: I can't believe she new that. Phone: And you have something stuck in your teeth. 
19900220	Dilbert: I've got a blind date with the lady who works at the library reference desk. Dogbert: What if she's ugly? Dilbert: Looks aren't important. She sounded very smart over the phone, and I'm attracted to intelligent women. Dogbert: Oh...right. Dilbert: Uh...Should I talk, or will you be reading my thoughts directly. 
19900301	Dilbert: Here's a picture of my uncle just before he was drafted. He was awarded eleven purple hearts. Dogbert: He was wounded eleven times?! Dilbert: Uncle William insisted that his friends call him "Will"... Commander: OKAY, MEN, FIRE AT WILL!! 
19900302	Dilbert: Hello? Telephone: This is your bank. We're having trouble meeting payroll...Could you come down and make some deposits right away? Dilbert: Will you take a check? Telephone: From YOU? 
19900303	Dilbert: "Urgent memo to all employees:" Uh-oh. Looks important. "If we are to remain competitive, you must proactively improve quality on all actionable items!" Wow! That was inspiring. My heart is pounding. I'm all tingly...I'd better take the rest of the day off... 
19900305	Dilbert: Look what I won, Dogbert! It's a trophy for perfect attendance! Since YOU've never won a trophy, I thought you might get some vicarious joy by dusting and waxing MY trophy every day. Here. I hope that trophy doesn't go to my head. 
19900307	Dogbert: Sometimes I think gravity is only an illusion. Maybe other great thinkers realized gravity is mental and were this freed of its restrictions. Which could explain why all the smart people have apparently been flung into space. Dilbert: It's time for "Wheel Of Fortune." 
19900308	Dilbert: I can tell what my date is thinking by her body language. Her body is telling me "let's cuddle by a fireplace..." "I'll get some firewood," she says. Chainsaw: VROOOOM. 
19900310	Vernon: Yo! Dilbert and Dogbert! Dilbert: Oh no...Hi, Vernon. The most boring person I know...Gotta get out of here but I'm too polite. Vernon: Did I ever tell you about my favorite episode of "Kojak"? Dogbert: Whoa! Vern, we gotta go before you turn our brains into tapioca! Dilbert: There's always the direct method. 
19900312	Dilbert: Riding elevators is so awkward. Start straight ahead...Don't breathe...Don't fidget...Don't blink...Arms hang like limp weights... Woman: I think he's dead. Dilbert: Above all, act naturally. 
19900319	Sign: Happy Airline. Woman: I'm sorry, sir, but you've been "bumped." Dilbert: WHAT?! I've got a ticket! I demand satisfaction! I'll call the president of your stupid company!! I wonder if there's really such a thing as the "duct tape section." 
19900322	Caption: Dilbert greets his blind date. Dilbert: This is the biggest woman I've ever seen. Um...hi. I have only one chance of financially surviving dinner. Say...why don't we go to the "all-you-can-eat house of starch and pasta"? Woman: Can't...Banned for life. 
19900326	Artist: Excuse me...Sir? I'm trying to paint this view. Would you mind not walking right in front of me? Dilbert: Oops. Sorry. Artist: It's already too late. 
19900327	Dilbert: Remember, one of your duties is to guard the house. That might entail ripping intruders to bits with your teeth...or taking a bullet for me. Dogbert: Boy, all that and I get to drink out of the toilet too. 
19900328	Dilbert: I've got to make the engineering newsletter more interesting. It needs pathos and human drama. "How to cope with the loss of loved data..." Dogbert: Wait...I better get some tissues. 
19900329	Dilbert: When I was a kid I threw spitballs at girls to show I liked them. Now I just grovel and beg for dates. Frankly, the old way was more satisfying. 
19900331	Woman: What I look for first in a man is honesty. Dilbert: Okay...I'd like to skip this boring conversation and go smooch. Woman: I didn't mean honesty about relevant things. 
19900402	Dilbert: Did you hear that the tiny east European country of Elbonia has abandoned communism? Dogbert: Whoa! Big changes ahead. Caption: Elbonia: Monday. Sign: Mud farm. Caption: Elbonia: Tuesday. Signs: My mud farm / My tree / My pig / My feet. 
19900403	Boss: Dilbert, I'm sending you to Elbonia to open our new subsidiary. Dilbert: Elbonia? But they only renounced communism last week!! They don't understand capitalism or economics. They have no appreciation of the real world. ...He thinks they'll make fine engineers. 
19900404	Caption: Dilbert arrives at the ex-communist country of Elbonia. Dilbert: I need a flight to your capital. For a moment I was worried that this backward little country wouldn't have a commuter flight. Elbonian: I hate living near the airport. 
19900405	Caption: Dilbert takes a slingshot ride to Elbonia's capital. Dilbert: There it is... (SPLUNK.) It's a good thing this whole country is made of mud. I have come to teach you capitalism. Pig: Did you bring blue jeans? 
19900406	Elbonian 1: How do we know you came to Elbonia just to teach us capitalism? Elbonian 2: Yeah...Maybe you came to steal our secret process for making mud!! Dilbert: Dirt and water? Elbonian 2: He knows... Pig: We'll have to kill him. 
19900409	Dilbert: The first thing you Elbonians must understand about capitalism is the incentive system. If you're willing to work twelve hours a day, eventually the guy who owns your factory will get rich. Elbonian: Am I missing something here? Dilbert: Then you guys get to watch great TV shows based on the millionaire's life! 
19900410	Dilbert: My trip to Elbonia was a complete success. I opened our subsidiary, taught capitalism to the locals and showed them how to make computer chips out of sand. Dogbert: Oh great...Now they will become an industrial giant and compete against us. Dilbert: Don't worry. I also taught them our management techniques. 
19900416	Dilbert: Loose thread. I can't remember if it's better to cut these or just yank on them. (THOOP!) 
19900420	Dilbert: About 400 women turned me down for dates this year. I can only conclude one thing... Dogbert: Not enough quality women? Dilbert: Sadly. 
19900421	Dogbert: It's one of those days my brain feels lazy. I'd better avoid any mental stimulation. It's times like this I really appreciate knowing you. Dilbert: Thank you. 
19900424	Dilbert: Ahem...I think I'll call my stock broker...I'm an investor, you know. Dogbert: Ooh...I'm impressed. Dilbert: What? No profits yet? I'll call back in an hour. I wonder if this is a bad time to be in chocolate coins? 
19900429	Dilbert: My credit card has been cancelled. The stupid bank's computer thinks I died. This is an opportunity for some righteous indignation. I love that. Bank Clerk: Hello, credit card department, an underpaid employee speaking. Well, yes, apparently you are alive. But it would be very difficult to reprogram the computer. Dilbert: I'm sure you'll find a solution. Bank Mgr: Kill him? Bank Clerk: Unless you'd RATHER read this computer manual. 
19900505	Co-worker1: Hear about the new guy? He's from NEW YORK. Dilbert: Gulp* Co-worker2: HERE HE COMES! Co-Worker1: AAGH! Dilbert: AAAEEEE!! New Guy: Well, I suppose I could hunt them down and kill them one by one. 
19900508	Dilbert: I've noticed that all the cool guys use gentle kidding with women. Women must like it. Excuse me, Miss, does your face hurt? It's killing me! Giggle giggle snort. The cool guys must hate it when this happens to them. 
19900509	Doctor: Apparently you ignored my advice and got no exercise. But you're in perfect health, which really annoys me professionally. I'm prescribing two packs of cigarettes per day...Don't cross me again. 
19900512	Caption: Dilbert presents BAD HABITS FROM A PARALLEL UNIVERSE! Waiter: Table for phleem? Dilbert: Yes, in the "no slapping yourself with a see bass" section. (Slap slap slap slap.) Dilbert: Do you ever wonder about the first person to try that habit? Dogbert: Great. One table away... 
19900515	Dogbert: I've decided to become an ambush reporter, like Mike Wallace. Is it true you made all of your money unethically and you're having an affair? Man: YES!! YES!! HOW DID YOU FIND ME?! Dogbert: You were chosen randomly. 
19900521	Dilbert: ...So, would you like to meet after work and go to dinner? Woman: What kind of car do you drive? Dilbert: UGH! You women are all so shallow!! It should not make one bit of difference what kind of car I drive!! Woman: Except that it will help me find you in the parking lot...But you could just stand on top of it and thump your mighty chest. 
19900523	Woman: Thanks for asking me out. Most guys get scared when they find out I'm a practicing witch. Then they say something I don't like and I end up turning them into lawn ornaments. Dilbert: That's awful! Woman: Tell me about it...You can't believe how tacky my lawn is now. 
19900601	Dilbert: I'm just a one-woman kind of guy. Some guys like to play the field. Not me. I'm happy with just one woman. Just one. Uno. That's best for me. Dogbert: You can take her for rides in the space shuttle you'll never have either. 
19900602	Manager: Your new project will be VITAL to the performance of this company! Dilbert: Uh-oh. The more he talks it up the stupider the project must be. Manager: ...High visibility. A chance to excel and be noticed! In fact, I stand to salute you for the job you will be doing! You're what makes this country great!! Dilbert: Does this have anything to do with the janitors' strike? 
19900621	Dogbert: Uh-oh. That looks like my body on the ground. I must be dead. And that light...It's beautiful...It must be GOD!! Caption: Next: a really big let down. Dogbert: Zzzzzz. 
19900702	Bob: Here's a "help wanted" ad for a babysitter. I could do that. Kids love dinosaurs. Dogbert: One problem. Your species is known to be carnivorous. Bob: I'll put "strict disciplinarian" on my resume. 
19900709	Dilbert: Hi. You must be the new secretary. Man: Well, yes and no... Granted, I'm temporarily being paid for performing secretary-like duties. Bit I'm really an author, a jazz pianist and a thespian. I have a Ph.D. in psychology. Dilbert: Sounds like a little crisis with the ol' self-image. Man: And a gourmet chef... 
19900710	Boss: Dilbert, I'm putting you in charge of the department secretary. See if you can get him to cut down on the personal phone calls. Dilbert: ...Just be a little more discreet...For example, try NOT wearing the traditional costume of the countries you're calling. 
19900718	Woman: I like a man who makes eye contact. Dilbert: Oh no...Uncontrollable urge to look away...I've got to blink about twenty times. Why did she have to bring that up? AAEEEEII!! (GASP* Blink blink blink blink blink blink.) Woman: I love doing that. 
19900719	Boss: We can no longer compete against the Japanese with their technology advantages. So we're sending you to Japan on an employee exchange program. Dilbert: To learn their technology and bring it back here? Boss: Just do for them what you've done for us. 
19900721	Waiter: I've taken the liberty of calculating a twenty-percent tip. It's written on the back next to a picture of a smiling diner...A fifteen percent tip is shown by the picture of a guilty-looking diner. Below that is a picture of a diner and his dog with salad forks in their backs... 
19900723	Scientist: Here we have a lab rat, specially bred to be susceptible to peer pressure. How about a brewski? Rat: I don't drink. Scientist: All the cool rats drink beer. Ratbert: Okay. Scientist: Of course, there's more to science than just hurting animals, but frankly it's the part I like best. 
19900807	Dilbert: The experts used to say you should exercise every day. Now they think twenty minutes every other day is just as good. Shirt: Amabor health club. Dilbert: My strategy of five minutes a month is looking pretty clever. 
19900813	Boss: Dilbert, go down to the accounting department and find out what these figures mean. Dilbert: *Gulp. NO...P-PLEASE...THEY AREN'T EVEN HUMAN THERE!!! Accountant: I don't like him. Bradley: Surprise. 
19900814	Dilbert: This must be the company accounting department. I...I need to ask some questions about this b-budget report. Is this a bad time for you? Accountant: Always. 
19900815	Accountant: FOOL! WHY HAVE YOU COME TO THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT?!! Dilbert: Uh...I had some questions, sir...ma'am...er, sir? Are you a man or woman? Accountant: In accounting, it doesn't really matter. 
19900816	Accountant: So...You've come to the accounting department for an explanation of the budget report, aye? Unchain him, Bradley. Normally we would torture and kill you for questioning our report. Dilbert: But you realized that my questions are valid? Accountant: No. I'm promoting Bradley. You're my new analyst. 
19900817	Dilbert: No! You can't force me to work in accounting! I'm an engineer! Accountant: It's too late. You came...You breathed the air...The change is irreversible...Bradley will train you. Dilbert: I'm starting to get a bad attitude about this job... Bradley: Good. I can skip that part of the training. 
19900819	Dogbert: Welcome to the Dogbert outplacement agency, or "DOA" as I call it. Here, nobody is "unemployed." You're freelance consultants who sit in cubicles and earn no money! Every cubicle is equipped with a phone and a refurbished ego. Ego: I will NOT work with that thing. 
19900824	Co-worker: Working hard? Dilbert: Hardly working! Giggle giggle snort!! Co-worker: You snorted. Dilbert: It was my best line of the day...Then I snorted. Dogbert: The curse of the engineer. 
19900827	Sign: Herman's Hardware. Dilbert: Oh no...I'm being drawn to that hardware store. The force is ripping my clothes off, but I can resist!!! I'm only looking for my clothes -- I'm not shopping. Salesman: You're not the first naked engineer to use that story. 
19900829	Dilbert: ...And I've had this irrational love for hardware stores as long as I can remember. I mean...I LOVE them. I ACTUALLY love them. You gotta help me, doc. Analyst: I've heard of this...I think the literature refers to it as "a stupid guy-thing." 
19900830	Dilbert: ...Whenever I'm near a hardware store I feel an invisible force drawing me inside. Analyst: You've been talking about yourself since you got here. We never talk about ME and MY feelings. I hurt too, you know. Dilbert: I'm paying $75 an hour... Analyst: Good Lord, and you think that makes it okay to be selfish? 
19900831	Analyst: Frankly, I'm tired of hearing your little problems... I hate my job...I haven't had a decent date in a year...My biological clock is ticking away... Dilbert: Would it be unethical to date one of your patients? Analyst: Yes, especially an ugly one. 
19900903	Dogbert: Here's a brochure for my new miracle mineral water spa. Dilbert: You claim that the water at our house will make people smart, beautiful and healthy. Dogbert: If anybody asks, tell them you don't drink water. 
19900906	Dogbert: Thank you for coming to Dogbert's "new age mineral water spa." After your chowder bath therapy, I will be channeling the spirit of Jackie Mason in ballroom "B." Dilbert: He's not dead. Dogbert: Then I'll talk to his career. 
19900910	Dilbert: YES! I've been chosen for the next space shuttle mission!! Dogbert: Why you? Dilbert: They're probably assembling the leaders from different fields. Caption: NASA. Display: Test. Scientist: In our next flight, we will study the effects of weightlessness on nerds. 
19900912	Man: ...I'll tell you why we're losing to foreign businesses: The workers in this country have lost their work ethic. Dogbert: Why aren't you working now? Man: Well, now, this is a PERFECT example of what I'm trying to tell you. 
19900914	Announcer: Now we have an opposing view to last night's editorial on animal rights. Dogbert: Hi, I'm Dogbert. I'm calling on the dogs of the world to rise up and take their rightful places as rulers of the planet. Announcer: These are not necessarily the views of this station. Dogbert: Don't listen to him. They always say that. 
19901010	Dilbert: Ugh...Look at that young couple kissing in public. Dogbert: Ugh. Dilbert: They should realize how impolite it is. Dogbert: Is it impolite for us to stare at them? Dilbert: We're just the victims in all this, Dogbert. 
19901011	Letter: Dear Dilbert, I hope you like the elbow warmer I knitted for you. Love, Aunt Helen. Dilbert: It's an elbow warmer; Just a thoughtful little gift from me to you. Dogbert: I feel like the lowest creature in the gift chain. 
19901012	Woman: It's hard to express how I feel when I'm with you. Dilbert: Try. Woman: Imagine a field of golden wheat on a sunny spring day. Birds are singing. Dilbert: There...That wasn't too hard. Woman: Now imagine a tractor on your chest... 
19901013	Dilbert: Groan* It's 6 A.M. and time for another oppressive day of meaningless toil... Wait...Today is Saturday... I am the happiest man on the planet Earth. 
19901016	Caption: Dogbert and Dilbert are called for jury duty. Dogbert: What a stupid waste of my valuable time. Dilbert: It's your civic duty. It's the small dues you pay for living in a just and free society. And you get to play god with other people's lives. Dogbert: Well, they should say that in the letter. 
19901024	Boss: Okay, the staff meeting is over. Does anybody have any meaningless, rambling questions? Johnson? Johnson: How can we work as a team to achieve total quality without sacrificing customer focus? Boss: How many people would like to see me make Johnson fetch this stick? 
19901026	Dilbert: Ooh! Nice pile of mail today! Resident...Resident...Resident...Ahh, Dilbert. I get mail; Therefore I am. 
19901030	Caption: Dilbert hires a cleaning person. Dilbert: And your name is...? Punker: Call me Mr. Tidy. Dilbert: The agency says you're experienced. Punker: Yeah, I've cleaned out some of the nicer homes in this area. The best thing here is to load your possessions into my van and I'll clean them at my place. Dilbert: Will that cost me extra? 
19901101	Dilbert: Dogbert, where's all of our furniture? Dogbert: Your new cleaning person loaded it into his van and drove away...Oh, and he said to tell you he quit. Dilbert: I think we need to review your job description as watch dog. Dogbert: I got his address. Wall: Send my check to 1348 Oke, Walnut T... 
19901108	Marketer: Maybe Dilbert can explain to the marketing people how the system works. Dilbert: Uh-oh. Uh...So the electrons alter the data bits...And then they go to the virtual array where they conflugalize. Got it? Marketer: How many of those words did you just make up? Dilbert: They're on to me. 
19901109	Sign: Bank of Ethel. Teller: I cannot allow this withdrawal... Unless you defeat me in hand to hand combat. Dilbert: They seem pretty serious about encouraging the use of their automated teller machines. 
19901112	Dogbert: I have a busy day ahead of me. Got to do some pillow-sitting, maybe eat a little. I'd better pace myself. 
19901122	Dogbert: Do you have cured ham? Butcher: Right here. Dogbert: Boy, if that's cured, what does a sick one look like?! I've always felt a duty to share my gift of mirth with others. 
19901206	Bob: OUR BABY!! He's got my looks! Rex: Hey, where am I? I'm all confused. Dawn: He's got your brain, too! 
19901213	Dogbert: Hey, mister, why are you so glum? Man: I've lost face at my job... Dogbert: You'll get over it. Man: You don't understand...I'm a plastic surgeon...I actually lost somebody's face. Dogbert: Bummer. 
19901214	Engineer 1: Yeah, I once built an FM transmitter from old television parts... Engineer 2: That's nothing...I built a broadband multiplexer from tuna cans and a lamp. Dilbert: ...My first orbiting space station was made entirely from old socks and Vaseline. I hate going last. 
19901215	Caption: Clues from women's hair. This woman is single. The same woman, now married. Married, two kids. 
19901218	Dogbert: Opera should be banned from television. It must be obscene, or they wouldn't have to sing it in a foreign language. And we can't let children think it's okay to dress like Vikings and go around hollering. 
19901229	Dogbert: How was your blind date? Dilbert: She wore too much makeup...And I had to do all the talking. Dogbert: Maybe she's a mime. Dilbert: That would explain her invisible dog. 
19910103	Dilbert: Our town hasn't had a murder since 1957. Caption: Definition of an optimist. Dilbert: We're safe forever. Caption: Definition of a pessimist. Dogbert: We're due. 
19910107	Dilbert: I'm always nervous on blind dates. Judy: Hi, I'm Judy! You must be Dilbert. Dilbert: Hi... Judy: How do I look? Dilbert: Uh...Fetching. 
19910108	Dilbert: This is absolutely the LAST blind date. Woman: ...Then I realized... I'm a woman trapped in a dog's body...So, now I'm saving for a species change operation. Dilbert: Is it expensive? Woman: Well, you can imagine the electrolysis costs alone... 
19910111	Television: ...And in the news... ...Body parts were strewn for miles... So check your sandwich. 
19910112	Wally: I was a sheep rancher before I worked here. Dilbert: How many sheep did you have? Wally: I'm not sure... Every time I tried to count them, I fell asleep. 
19910121	Dilbert: I joined the "Scientist Anti-Defamation League." Dogbert: What's that? Dilbert: They fight against negative stereotypes of technical people that are often portrayed in the media. You broke my concentration. 
19910122	Speaker: Welcome to the "Scientist Anti-Defamation League" weekly meeting. Tonight's topic is the stereotype that we scientists have no social lives...But first... Is Saturday night okay for our next meeting? Scientists: I'm free. No problem. Wide open. 
19910124	Speaker: At the Scientist Anti-Defamation League" we must dispel society's notion that scientists are always male. Unfortunately, our membership is totally male because all of you joined just to meet women. Any ideas? Scientist: Maybe we should merge with the "Aerobic Instructor Anti-Defamation League." 
19910126	Boss: I'd like to recognize Wilson for working twenty-hour days and making the project a success. Employee: Thanks, but I'm not Wilson. He quit months ago. Boss: Oh... I've got to stop calling this the employee recognition program. 
19910128	Building: Jiffy Med Center. Nurse: Do you want self service or the full service? Dilbert: Uh...full. What does full service include? Doctor: We squeegee your glasses and check under your shirt. 
19910130	Doctor: Cough. Dilbert: Cawf. Cawf. Doctor: Sing "Life is a Cabaret" like Liza Minnelli. Dilbert: Why? Doctor: I left my Sony Walkman at home. 
19910201	Doctor: You're healthy. That's fifty dollars. Dilbert: You haven't even looked at my arm! Doctor: Who's the doctor here? Dilbert: Apparently, neither of us. Doctor: Right. So it's just your word against mine. 
19910205	Dogbert: When I conquer the Earth...Will it be more efficient to put all humans in prison... ...Or train them as domestic servants for dogs? Dilbert: It's amazing how dogs can sit for hours thinking absolutely nothing. 
19910207	Wally: I'm thinking of quitting and becoming an entrepreneur. I want to experience life on the edge, full of risk and challenge and adventure. Dilbert: The company stops paying you if you quit. Wally: Oh, then never mind. 
19910208	Agent: I recommend a trip to "Clyde Canyon" for your vacation. Signs: France. Spain. Bermuda. Dilbert: What would I do there? Agent: You could look at the scenery...Take some pictures. Dilbert: Can't I just look at the brochure and stay home? Agent: Yeah, that's what I do. 
19910209	Dilbert: I was thinking about going to "Clyde Canyon" for our vacation. Dogbert: What is it? Dilbert: It's a big hole in the ground. Dogbert: What do you do there? Dilbert: You look at it. Dogbert: Ah, life be my wild mistress. Dilbert: There's some gusto out there with our names on it. 
19910218	Dilbert: IT WORKS!! MY ANTI-GRAVITY FORMULA WORKS!!! If I drink it, I'll be able to fly! I'll be famous. People will shower me with praise and admiration!! Notice anything? Dogbert: A pathetic bid for attention? 
19910227	Dogbert: One of the great things about being a dog is that we can take a nap any time we want. Sometimes we do it because we're tired. But mostly, we do it to make you hate your life. 
19910228	Dilbert: I hate shopping. Sign: Sale. Dilbert: There's never a salesperson when you want to buy something. But when you're just looking... 
19910302	Dilbert: Ten a.m. already? Great...Now I've got one of those headaches from oversleeping. Only one cure. You can't get too much of a bad thing. 
19910304	Dogbert: I've decided to open a vocational training school. Dilbert: For whom? Dogbert: Self-service gas station attendants. Dilbert: You mean, students will pay you to teach them how to sit and do nothing? Dogbert: It makes you wonder why nobody is already doing it. 
19910307	Caption: Day one: Dogbert's school for self-service gas station attendants. Trainee: Question. Do service station employees qualify for military benefits? Dogbert: I don't think so. Trainee: Can we fool women with these uniforms? 
19910311	Door: Shredder. (Bzzzzzzpp...) Shredder. Dilbert: I hate being me. Door: Shredder. 
19910312	Dilbert: The shredder tried to kill me. First, the coffee machine broke, rendering me inattentive... Boss: What are you suggesting? Dilbert: I don't think the shredder acted alone. 
19910313	Boss: On my recent business trip to Japan, I learned that Japanese workers dress as their favorite animals to boost productivity. Caption: Japan. Workers: Ha ha ha ha ha. Ooh-ooh...And remember the time we told them we all do calisthenics?! 
19910315	Dilbert: Collision course... I hate this...We'll both veer in the same direction, then the other. He'll say something stupid, like "Shall we dance?" This method isn't much better. 
19910318	Dilbert: Sometimes I wonder how a dinosaur like you can survive, Bob. I mean, your brain is so tiny...You must get exhausted just trying to think. How do you do it? Uh...That's okay. I don't really need an answer to that question. Bob: Think think think. 
19910320	Dogbert: How was work? Dilbert: Not so good...I sneezed and blew the toupee off a vice president's head and into the face of the director of marketing, who fell and broke a rib. Dogbert: Gesundheit. 
19910321	Dilbert: I missed my doctor's appointment. Can I reschedule it? Nurse: Why did you miss it? Dilbert: I was sick. Nurse: Yeah, like I haven't heard that one before. 
19910323	Friend: Hi, Dogbert, how are you? Dogbert: How am I? Is this merely shallow social pulp, or do you genuinely care about me and my feelings right at this moment? Friend: It's the pulp one. Dogbert: I'm fine. How are you? 
19910327	Boy: YO! MUTT!! I need an excuse for not doing my homework. Chew on this assignment sheet and I'll say "a dog ate it." A dog made me eat it. 
19910328	Woman 1: Hi, we're with the "women's power organization." Do you have a moment? (WHUMP.) How many left? Woman 2: Two billion. 
19910331	Dilbert: I feel so awkward at these office parties I've already walked back and forth to the hors d'oeuvres six times. I'll stand close to these two and hope they include me. It's not working. I'll have to find somebody who is alone. Hmm...All the people standing alone look like losers. I'll just say something...What have I got to lose? Hi. I'm Dilbert. What do you do for a living? Boss: I'm your boss, idiot. 
19910401	Dilbert: I built this android from a kit. He doesn't have a personality, but he will walk around and talk. Dogbert: Well, I hope you guys will at least dress differently. 
19910412	Label: Do not use if seal is broken. Dilbert: Great...How are you supposed to get the pills out? 
19910414	Dilbert: I quit drinking coffee. I don't like to be dependent on chemicals. Dogbert: How's it feel? Dilbert: I felt a little slow getting ready for work, but you have to expect that on Monday. Dogbert: It's Thursday. 
19910419	Caption: When you're alone, you start thinking weird thoughts. Dilbert: Do bugs sweat? Caption: The longer you're alone, the weirder it gets. Dilbert: I can levitate this pen with my mind. Caption: Don't stay alone too long. Dilbert: How would it feel if I shaved my entire body? 
19910420	Dilbert: I know it's only our first date, but what do you think of me? Woman: You remind me of Elvis. Dilbert: Sexy. Woman: Dead. 
19910427	Bagger: Paper or plastic? Paper that can be recycled...or an evil, selfish, short-sighted, planet-destroying, stupid plastic bag?!! Dilbert: Plastic. Bagger: Good. That's all we have. 
19910429	Boss: Ask my secretary to schedule a meeting. Dilbert: Groan. Um...Excuse me...Excuse me...Miss Cerberus, could a humble employee have the honor of your attention. Cerberus: ARE YOU PREPARED TO TAKE THE CHALLENGE OF DEATH?!! Dilbert: Does this involve any winged monkeys? 
19910504	Instructor: Good. The toss is the most important part of... Dilbert: Is this why you get two serves? 
19910506	Dilbert: What's wrong with this necktie? Caption: Coming: the shocking truth about Dilbert's tie. Dilbert: That's better. 
19910507	Dogbert: I've always wondered why your tie curls up like that. My theory is that the tie is simply showing a natural aversion to being near you. Have you noticed any of your other clothes trying to flee? Dilbert: I'm missing a sock. 
19910508	Dogbert: Ratbert, I need your help to solve the mystery of Dilbert's necktie. Ratbert: Gosh, Dogbert, most of my work at the lab is the non-analytical type. Sure, I've eaten a few hundred ties, but who hasn't. Dogbert: It's not your brain power that I need. Ratbert: Can we solve this with my good looks alone? 
19910510	Dogbert: Mister garbageman, do you know why Dilbert's neckties curl up? Garbageman: It could be a Tanzanian necktie snake in one of its clever disguises. They'll stalk you for years, then suddenly -- ACK!! 
19910519	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to introduce the new guy to everybody. Dilbert: Groan. Boss: This way I never have to learn their names. Dilbert: The first stop on our odyssey is Bud. Uh...Bud, this is the new guy, and vice-versa. Bud: What's this?! Another pink-bottomed, ivy league, management "trainee"?! In MY day, you had to start at the bottom...and by golly, you STAYED there!! New Guy: How long have you worked here? Bud: A week...This happens pretty quickley. 
19910522	Dogbert: Come meet my new pet turtle. Dilbert: Boy, that is one ugly-looking turtle. What kind is it? Dogbert: He's a "snappy comeback turtle," but not a good one. Turtle: Oh yeah?!! Ugly, am I? Well, uh...So's my mother! 
19910524	Dogbert: I can't remember the rules for Solitaire. I'll just put the cards in random piles and then declare myself the winner. That was surprisingly satisfying. 
19910525	Dogbert: I didn't know you could sew. Dilbert: I watched my mother do it when I was a kid. She taught me everything. We often found Mom sewed to the sofa. 
19910526	Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's "school of hard knocks." This is the school you've heard so much about. Chances are, one of your parents is a graduate of this school. At Dogbert's school of hard knocks, you will gain the wisdom that can only be obtained through suffering. Throughout the course, I'll be whacking you with various blunt objects. It may be unpleasant at first, but you'll get used to it. Eventually, your brain will rationalize the whole experience. You'll think I'm a dedicated teacher, and you'll actually believe you learned something. Stick with the basics, I say. 
19910527	Dogbert: Help me look for valuable stamps. You're better at this than I am. Dilbert: Philately will get you nowhere. 
19910529	Dogbert: You should think about washing the car soon. Dilbert: You're right...It's just so easy to get used to it being dirty. But lately it's been affecting my gas mileage. 
19910531	Dilbert: This is my new official disk player for the computer. Now I can instantly access the works of Shakespeare or study the history of Greece! Dogbert: How often do you need to do that? Dilbert: You just don't understand technology, do you? Dogbert: I'm just a dog. 
19910602	(WHACK! UGH...) Dogbert: On television you can knock a person out with one karate chop. Just think how useful that could be in real life. Caption: Male daydream sequence. Dogbert: This movie line is too long. (CHOP!) (HUNH!) (AAEEII!!) Dogbert: I'm glad nobody else thought of that first. 
19910603	Boss: Why should I hire you as my business consultant? Dogbert: I have credibility because I don't work for your company. No smart person would work here full-time. Boss: I work here full-time. Dogbert: Sorry. I'll try to speak slower. 
19910604	Dogbert: My fee for business consulting is $200 an hour. Boss: Fair enough. Dogbert: I'll spend the day questioning your employees to identify their problem areas. Caption: Later. Dogbert: It's unanimous. They're underpaid and all the problems are your fault, "Lard Head." 
19910605	Caption: Dogbert is a consultant. Dogbert: Your profits are plunging. Display: $ Dogbert: The problem will not be easy to solve. Display: Brains: competitors, beavers, you. Boss: So, what should we do? Cut the training system again? 
19910607	Sign: Palm reading -- $20. Reader: Your life line is very short. I can get you a few more years by extending the line with this grease pencil. Dilbert: Someday I should go back and have her lengthen my intelligence line too. Dogbert: I'd hurry. 
19910609	Dilbert: What are you working on? Dogbert: I'm writing my own encyclopedia to sell for large profits. Dilbert: How could you write an entire encyclopedia by yourself? Dogbert: It's abridged. I had to cut some corners to get it all in five pages. Dilbert: Five pages?! You condensed the history and knowledge of the world into five pages?!! Dogbert: Actually, it's mostly about me...The other stuff didn't seem important. But I threw in some stuff about Canada to make it seem thorough. Dilbert: "Canada has trees." Dogbert: I'll have to tighten that section a bit. 
19910611	Boss: Why have you refused to submit to our employee drug testing? Dilbert: It's a violation of my privacy and an insult to my integrity. I demand to be judged only on my PERFORMANCE. Boss: But your performance stinks. Dilbert: Performance AND attendance. 
19910613	Dilbert: It's an ethical dilemma... I support my company's goal of discouraging drug use, but the random drug testing policy is a violation of my constitutional rights. I'll get fired if I refuse the test. What is the ethical thing to do. Dogbert: Hack into their computer and change your boss's test results. Dilbert: Sometimes the straightest path is through the mud. Dogbert: Good, rationalize it with an obtuse metaphor. 
19910614	Boss: I'm discontinuing the employee drug testing program... Because my own tests keep turning out positive...which makes me suspect that some wiseguy has tampered with the medical computer. Dilbert: Denial and paranoia...classic symptoms. Wally: Is he "high" right now? 
19910615	Dogbert: I've been thinking about my goal of becoming the supreme ruler of Earth... Dilbert: I know EXACTLY how you feel. I once had a goal of growing a mustache...But it was beyond my grasp. I mean, figuratively beyond my grasp. I could still reach my upper lip, you understand...But there was no reason to try. Dogbert: Right, but back to me... 
19910616	Man: You should have seen that fish... Boss: That's nothing, compared to the fish I... Hi, Dilbert. Dilbert: He wants to hug me. That's strange. Okay, I'm a nineties guy. Hi, boss. Now I'll have to hug this guy so it doesn't seem awkward. Hi, it's a pleasure to meet you. I'm glad we've outgrown the uptight eighties. 
19910617	Dilbert: I thought it was bad when they made us work in those little cubicles... Then they put two people in each cubicle...but we got used to it. I guess we'll get used to Velcro strips, too. 
19910619	Dogbert: I'm starting my own tabloid newspaper, the "Dogbert Star." All of the stories will be sensational lies about me...That way I'll save money on lawsuits. "An angry Dogbert denied that his ego was so big he started a tabloid devoted entirely to himself." 
19910621	Boss: It's going to be another year of flogging dead horses. But somehow we'll muddle through our internal bureaucracy, gouge our customers, and keep getting our tiny paychecks. Dilbert: Sir, Wilson turned into a clump of uninspired sod. Boss: It's just as well; He has a bad attitude. 
19910622	Dilbert: You know that good feeling you get when you first put a Q-tip in your ear? Dogbert: Yeah. Dilbert: Can I freely enjoy it, or is it a sin? Dogbert: I think it's okay. Dilbert: Good, because I used a whole box yesterday. 
19910623	Dilbert: Add one jar of spaghetti sauce... (Hmph. Grrr. Unh.) (RRRRR.) Dogbert: Let me try to humiliate you by opening it easily. This definitely would have worked in "Family Circus." I'll see if Bob can open it. Bob: No problem for a mighty dinosaur. (SMASH!) Dilbert: Will you STOP humming "My Way." 
19910624	Boss: You've been randomly selected to have lunch with a senior executive of the company. This is how the executives show that they are regular people, just like you and me. Caption: At lunch. Executive: I could squash you like a bug! Ha ha ha HA HA HA! 
19910626	Caption: Lunch with a top executive. Executive: I have these lunches to find out what the workers are thinking. You may speak freely. Dilbert: Okay...It seems like the company is lacking leadership and direction. The executives squelch all initiative by punishing those who take risks and voice opinions. Executive: You leave me little choice but to fling this Au Gratin potato at your forehead. 
19910627	Dogbert: How was your lunch with the executive vice president? Dilbert: Everything was fine until the food fight. He started throwing Au Gratin potatoes...I countered with a ear of corn to his head and ran for the exit. When I left, he was face-down in the clam chowder and the kitchen staff was singing "Ding-dong the witch is dead." 
19910630	Boss: I've hired a consultant to clarify our company policy on discrimination. Dogbert: It is against policy to discriminate based on race, sex, age, handicap or religion. Caption: Consultant. Employee 1: Does that include unpopular, little religions? Dogbert: No, those are considered cults; You may discriminate freely against them. Employee 2: What about short, bald, fat, ugly men? Are they considered "handicapped"? Dogbert: Technically, no. You can still tease them and deny them promotions as usual. Likewise, you may discriminate against nerds, smokers, and single people. And we've dropped "stupid people" from the watch list, as their lobbying efforts proved ineffective... 
19910706	Dogbert: The more I watch television, the more I wonder why I'm not already supreme ruler of Earth. Those people are idiots. They should all drive over here and proclaim me their king. The secret to happiness is high expectations and your own bag of chips. 
19910707	Dilbert: Do you think people are basically good or evil? Dogbert: Well, I know dogs are basically good. And dogs are better than people. But people are better than cats. And cats are evil... Therefore, all people are stupid. Dilbert: I don't follow that logic. Dogbert: Yes, my theory predicts you would say that. 
19910708	Caption: Dog aerobics. Dogbert: Zzzzz. ...And a one... 
19910709	Dilbert: I just read that in a few years you will be able to access all of the news and information of the world from your personal computer. You probably saw the same article in today's paper. Wally: I don't read a paper. Dilbert: What's wrong with this picture? 
19910710	Sign: Fred's driving school. "Learn to Drive IN Just Five Minutes." Dogbert: How can you teach driving in just five minutes? Fred: It's a crash course. 
19910712	Dilbert: I can't stop putting writing tools in my shirt pocket... It started harmlessly...First a pen, then two. Now I'm afraid to go anywhere without a pen and pencil of every color. Analyst: Do you have the secondary colors? Dilbert: There are SECONDARY colors?! 
19910714	Dilbert: Why do dogs twitch their feet when they sleep? Dogbert: Zzzz. Dilbert: It's so cute. They must be dreaming about chasing cars. Dogbert: Ha ha! I am saint Dogbert! Line up to kiss my feet, you knaves! What's on my schedule today, lackey? Dilbert: You'll be pushing whiney, ugly people into mud at nine. Then, you'll tease cats about their grooming methods until ten. Dogbert: Good, good. Dilbert: Then you'll raise taxes, go to lunch, and take the rest of the day off. Dogbert: Reality: What a gyp. 
19910717	Dogbert: Your Chihuahua disguise is good, Ratbert. But you must also learn to THINK like a Chihuahua. To think like a Chihuahua, imagine the sound of one hand clapping. Ratbert: OUCH! I SPRAINED MY BRAIN! YIP YIP YIP YIP YIP!!! Dogbert: Good, good... 
19910721	(WOOOooooooo.) Dilbert: Police? Policeman: You made an illegal u-turn. Dilbert: You're giving me a ticket for THAT?! A measly u-turn?! I can't believe it! The world is full of murderers and thugs, but you stop ME? I'm wasting my taxes on your salary! And frankly, those mustaches you guys all grow don't make you look any smarter. Policeman: Please step out of your car for the sobriety test. Dilbert: ...So, it turns out that the sobriety test involves flinging yourself down a muddy embankment. 
19910724	Caption: Dilbert enters a stand-up comedy competition. Comedian: Is this your first time? Dilbert: Yeah. Comedian: I know I'm supposed to be your competitor, but I'll share my technique of using mental imagery to relax. Dilbert: Thanks! Comedian: Imagine that you're naked...and the audience is full of Mary Kay sales people with camcorders... 
19910727	Dilbert: Forgot my keys. I'll have to slap my forehead and mutter when I turn around, otherwise I'll look silly. (SMACK.) Too hard. 
19910728	Sign: Dogbert's find-a-friend service. Man: I'd like to find a friend. Dogbert: Have a seat. I need to ask a few questions, so I don't accidentally match you with somebody who's too good for you. One: When a friend doesn't return a borrowed tool, do you? A: make sarcastic comments; B: buy a new tool; C: set a lethal trap. Man: C: set a lethal trap. Caption: Later. Dogbert: I'm afraid you haven't qualified for a normal friend...I could set you up with somebody who's new in town, but it wouldn't last. There's one option...Two, if you count growing sea monkeys. Dilbert: Yes, I hate sea monkeys too. Who are you? 
19910731	Dogbert: Welcome to the Dogbert lecture series on guilt. In the next hour, you will learn how to cope with guilt the Dogbert way. And if you don't, well, it turns out I get paid anyway. 
19910803	Dilbert: I feel like I'm being judged by everybody I see. Why can't people accept other people as they are, without judging them? Dogbert: It was a good speech, but it lacked emotion. Card: 7.5. 
19910804	Woman: Uh-oh...That guy is coming to talk to us. Dilbert: I hate this long walk across the room. Woman: You're the ugly one, Edna. You'll have to protect me. Dilbert: They spotted me. They're planning a defense. Woman: I'll push you between us. You start babbling about your cat or something. Dilbert: I can't do it. I'll veer off at the last minute... Woman: NOW, EDNA! It's hard to be the pretty one. Edna: I have a cat named Boots. 
19910805	Dilbert: When's the baby due? Woman: Any minute now. The company has no maternity leave police, so I'm going to deliver by the Xerox machine and keep working. Dilbert: That doesn't seem fair. Co-worker: Year, especially if you need to make copies. 
19910809	Coworker 1: Yeah...I had a temperature of 147 degrees and they had to remove my internal organs. Coworker 2: Well, that's nothing compared to my bout with bubonic plague last week. Coworker 3: Did I ever tell you about the time I repaired my own lawn mower? Coworker 1: Not again. 
19910810	Dilbert: I hate it when my dog just stares at me. Is he plotting? Does he know something I don't? What is it? Dogbert: Dogs don't like to talk about it, but the instinct to look up peoples noses is very strong. 
19910811	Dilbert: Motorist in distress up ahead. Woman: Can you help me, young man? Dilbert: Have no fear, I'm an engineer. Hmm...Yes, I see...Try it now. Woman: Nothing. Dilbert: Okay, try it now. Woman: Hey, you're not doing anything but fiddling and poking at things! In fact, there's nothing in here that you could conceivably fix with your bare hands. My God, you men are FRAUDS!! It's lucky I'm out of gas; You might have caused an explosion!! 
19910812	Dogbert: I got a job as a used car salesman. Dilbert: Does it pay well? Dogbert: I'm not in it for the money. I just enjoy lying to strangers. This one was owned by Carlos the diamond smuggler. It corners well, but the gas mileage is bad -- almost as if it has weights hidden in the door panels. 
19910813	Caption: Dogbert the car salesman. Dogbert: I can let you have this one for five thousand. Customer: Three thousand. Dogbert: No, but I could sell THAT car for four thousand. Customer: Thirty-five hundred. Dogbert: Sold. Customer: I guess you don't get a lot of negotiators like me. Dogbert: It's the first time anybody bought the car they came here in. 
19910818	Dilbert: Come help me hook up my new VCR, Dogbert. You read the instructions and I'll connect the cables. Dogbert: "Connect the 300 ohm twin-lead flat cable to the 75 ohm RF2 jack." Dilbert: ? Dogbert: "Or use the optional 75 ohm coaxial cable with the F type connector." Dilbert: Good lord, I'm an electrical engineer and I don't understand any of this. I'll have to lie to the other engineers and say I don't WANT to record TV shows. Dogbert: "Now, strip naked, cover your body with motor oil and run through town yelling walla-walla-walla." Dilbert: Let me see that. Dogbert: "Step six: Do not doubt the nice dog." 
19910819	Banker: Well, Mr. Dogbert, what could I do to convince you to put your new wealth in our bank? Dogbert: Stretch your polyester pants over the top of your head. I hope money doesn't change me. 
19910822	Dogbert: I lost my fortune in a high-risk investment. Dilbert: Junk bonds? Dogbert: Checking account at "Ethel's savings and loan." 
19910825	Sign: Video sales. Customer: I'll take this one. Clerk: Why would anybody BUY a mystery movie?! What do you do, watch it a hundred times and act surprised at the ending? Get a life. Dilbert: I'll take this one. Clerk: Tootsie?! You want to OWN a movie about a man who wears dresses?! Dilbert: What?! I thought it was a documentary about Tootsie Rolls. You should label those things more clearly! Is it a sin to lie to strangers? Dogbert: The way you do it, yes. Video: Rambo. 
19910827	Dilbert: I haven't spoken for this whole meeting. Engineer: Blah blah. Dilbert: I'll wait for a quiet space and chime in with something that makes me look smart. Leader: Does anybody have any unproductive yet insightful comments to show how smart they are? Dilbert: Yo. 
19910828	Les: I disagree with everything you said. Who wants to step outside and fight about it?!! I may be on the smallish side but I can kick any butt in this room!! C'mon, who wants a piece of me? Co-worker: It's my fault. I accidentally used him to soak up a coffee spill this morning. 
19910829	Dilbert: Hi, Les. Les: You say that almost mockingly. The way you say it, my name sounds like "Less." I've told you a million times it's French -- pronounced "Lez." Dilbert: You seem a little short-tempered. Les: Hey! That time you did it on purpose!! 
19910830	Les: I hope you'll date me now, Helen. I brought my resume as you requested. Helen: There's a little formula I use to calculate the ratio of your earnings potential to your height and baldness... (Click click) Hmm...You pass. Of course, I'll still date other men too. Les: On different nights? 
19910831	Boss: We've addresses your concern about the potential safety hazard of computer terminal radiation. (FOOMP!) Researcher: Air bags -- Their time has come. 
19910901	Dilbert: Hey, that's Lisa. I dated her last night! Lisa! What are you doing in this neighborhood? Lisa: Well...actually, I didn't know how to tell you to stop calling me... ...So I came to throw this brick with a note on it through your window. (CRASH.) It seems awkward now... Dilbert: ...It was like you sucked the oxygen out of the room...You remind me of fungus... ...Continued on brick two. (CRASH.) That's it! She is OFF my Valentine list!! 
19910902	Boss: Dilbert, this is your new co-worker, Floyd Remora. Floyd has worked here for twenty years without developing any skills. He survives by attaching himself to the backs of other employees. Dilbert: Go ahead...Ask me how my day went. 
19910907	Boss: I want to dispel the myth that we're sexist in our treatment of female engineers. The directors have agreed to award Betty the title of company "fellow." Betty: Fellow? Boss: You'll still use the women's rest room of course. 
19910908	Dilbert: Is this the meeting? Group: Mumble. Mumble. Dilbert: Good. Speaker: Everybody take a copy of the agenda. Dilbert: I'm in the wrong meeting...Now it's too awkward to leave. I'll casually stretch my arms, flick the lights off and escape under the cover of dark. Group: OUCH! OUCH! OUCH! Speaker: Oh, sorry, wrong agenda. Dilbert: I'm starting to think that the problem with our economy is deeper than high interest rates. 
19910913	Dilbert: This magazine is the only way we can learn about primitive cultures. Magazine: National Geographic. Dogbert: How do they learn about us? Dilbert: Here's a pygmy reading "The New Yorker." 
19910914	Boss: It's pay day. HA HA!! DANCE FOR YOUR PAY CHECK!! HA HA HA!! MINE IS TWICE AS BIG!! And they say money can't buy happiness. 
19910916	Dogbert: I'm in such a bad mood. I've got to trip an ugly stranger. That will cheer me up. Stranger: HUHN! Dogbert: That's a technique you won't find in any self-help book. 
19910918	Dilbert: I'm putting together a presentation for the big boss's staff meeting. We hear he likes geometry. Dogbert: "Rectangles: the misunderstood parallelograms." It's bound to spark controversy. Dilbert: We believe in open communication. 
19910919	Wally: What's your presentation going to be about? Dilbert: Rectangles. We heard the boss was a geometry major. Wally: Good thinking. But I heard he was a geography major, not geometry. Dilbert: Wyoming: one of the many rectangular states. 
19910920	Boss: We're making a company commercial. Memorize these lines. Dilbert: "I'm Wally! I was specially bred to serve you and take abuse, o magnificent customer." It sounds a little unnatural. Alice: "I'm Raquel. I'll be your love puppet if you buy from us." 
19910921	Man: It's not easy to be a professional body builder. At parties, people ask what I do. I have to say "I lift heavy things, then I put them down." It makes me sound dumb. Dogbert: How's the pay? Man: Pay? 
19910922	Dogbert: ? Fish: Howdy! Dogbert: I've never seen a fish with legs. Fish: I'm evolving into a higher life form. Dogbert: That sounds like a lot of work. Fish: Yeah...The hard part is finding a mate who isn't turned off by legs. With any luck, the kids will be mutants too. I'm hoping they'll have arms but not look too much like Rodney Dangerfield. These legs are a natural advantage! Female Fish: Oh, that's original. 
19910923	Dogbert: I AM DOGBERT, THE SUPREME RULER OF EARTH!! WORSHIP ME, YOU IGNORANT MASSES!! That was practice. Ratbert: Darn, now my eyes are stuck in zombie mode... 
19910924	Dogbert: I come up here and use visualization to achieve my goals. You can get anything you want by visualizing it. Ratbert: Wow! I've got to try that! Dogbert: I'm the ruler of the world. Ratbert: You're a big hunk of cheese. 
19910925	Wally: May I borrow your pen for a minute? Dilbert: Farewell, little friend. You have always been true. May the wind be at your back. I...I...love you... Wally: Uh...could I borrow one which you've had less of a personal relationship with? Dilbert: How about Brenda? 
19910926	Engineer: I hope you won't mind my pillow and blanket at your presentation. The last time you presented, I lost consciousness and broke my nose on the table. Dilbert: Whatever happened to good manners? Engineers: Zzz/Zzz bonk/Zzz/Zzz/Bonk/Zzz bonk. 
19910927	Ted: I think it was fifty gigabits. Wally: I think you mean MEGAbits. All: HA HA HA hoo-hoo-ha ha ha short giggle hee-hee ha ha. Dilbert: We're so fun-loving. You'd think ONE of us would have a friend outside of work. 
19910928	Dilbert: I have become one with my computer. It is a feeling of ecstasy...the perfect blend of logic and emotion. I have reached... Dogbert: "Nerdvana." 
19910929	Brad: It looks like the ugly people's convention is in town. How are you two cow pies doing? Huh? Dilbert: Why are you always so cruel, Brad? Brad: It's not cruel! This is male bonding, you fertilizer face! Try it; It'll make you feel like a man for the first time! Dilbert: Uh...Okay. Did you know that Bruce dates your wife on your poker nights? And your children are funny looking - especially Becky. He's right. That felt good. 
19911006	Agent: Psst... Want to buy a nuclear bomb? Dogbert: How much? Agent: Twenty bucks. Dogbert: Deal. Does the government know about this? Agent: I am the government. It's the only way we could agree on to reduce the national debt...You wouldn't believe how many of these things we have. Dogbert: I'm glad I got mine before some liberal has a hissy fit. 
19911013	Dilbert: Why are kids so dumb? Have the schools failed? Let's talk to a typical youth. Who was the sixth president of the United States? Boy: Who cares? Dilbert: How will he ever get a job without this basic knowledge? What is the deepest lake in North America? Boy: Who cares? Dilbert: Pitiful...Shocking... Boy: Who is M.C. Hammer? Dilbert: I don't know, but it's not important. It's trivia. Boy: Oh, I see. What YOU know is important, but what I know is trivia. Yes, yes, it all makes sense now. Dilbert: Is that sarcasm? Boy: D-uhh. 
19911019	Dilbert: What's a five-letter word beginning with "I"... That means "an idiot who doesn't know a five-letter word for idiot that starts with 'I'?" Dogbert: Idiot. Dilbert: Will that fit? 
19911020	Dilbert: Look! A beautiful Regency butterfly! Dogbert: Beautiful?? It's a flying BUG. Dilbert: It might not seem like much now... But after we kill it, dip it in chemicals, and flatten it between glass, it becomes a beautiful work of art! Dogbert: Do we throw away the bug guts and just keep the wings? Dilbert: No, the guts keep the wings evenly spaced. EEOW!!! ANTS IN MY PANTS!! Dogbert: Mother Nature! Ma Nature: He was standing right on an anthill. I couldn't resist. 
19911021	Dilbert: Uh...Wally, you're wearing only underwear at work. Wally: I'm trying to get fired. The company layoff plan is very generous. I'll get a big pile of money if they ask me to leave. This has given me a degree of freedom in dealing with local management. 
19911024	Dilbert: This high school yearbook really brings back the memories. There's dopey Bobby Noober. Every day we'd tie him to the flagpole and stuff live frogs in his pants. Dogbert: Where is he now? Dilbert: He's still the principal...Not the happiest guy I've ever known. 
19911025	Boss: We've got to focus more on the needs of our customers. I've hired famous business consultant Tom Peters to follow you around and make passionate criticism. Tom: Is this quality? Are you truly focused on the customer? Dilbert: Great...He's a spitter. 
19911027	Caption: Dogbert's world of the unexplained. Dogbert: I'm at the farm of May and Clem Bovinski... ...The location of unexplained phenomena. Caption: (Deep voice) The disturbances have lasted 40 years. May: Objects move all by themselves. Sometimes they hit Clem. Clem: I reckon it's poltergeist. No other explanation makes sense. (BONK!) Dogbert: Cut. 
19911029	Dilbert: Hey! You charged me TEN dollars yesterday! Sign: Pet me -- $5.00. Dogbert: Five dollars is just the base price. I charge extra for an extended no-rabies warranty and other add-ons. Dilbert: I'll take a "plain." Dogbert: Wag or no wag? 
19911030	Dilbert: ...My dog started charging me to pet him. I haven't hugged Mom since I was twelve...My dates are always disasters...I just needed to touch somebody. Good session, Doc. Thanks. Doctor: Nice try. 
19911031	Dilbert: Ted, can you explain item number two? Ted: No. I'm on vacation. I take my vacations in ten minute increments during regular work days. That way I can avoid assignments. Dilbert: Your ten minutes are up. Ted: Cough cough! Whoa, I'd better take some sick time. 
19911101	Dilbert: Would the world be any worse off if I'd never been born? Wait...If not for me, who would turn off this computer every night? I'm saving electricity! I found meaning in my life today. Dogbert: You left your bedroom light on all day. 
19911103	Engineer 1: My project is a whole new paradigm. Dilbert: What's a paradigm? Engineer 1: Heh-heh..."What's a paradigm"...funny. Dilbert: Seriously, what is it? Engineer 1: You know...paradigm, paradigmish... As in "this project is a paradigm." But enough about my project...Tell us about your project. Dilbert: It's a paradigm. They bought it. Engineer 2: My project is a paradigm too. 
19911105	Co-worker: You did it! You removed the pencil "Excalibert" from the sharpener. Caption: As corporate legend required, Dilbert became CEO. He immediately set about the task of making important decisions. Secretary: Here's the list of people who didn't grovel sufficiently. 
19911106	Dilbert: Now that I'm C.E.O., what am I supposed to actually do. Advisor: You're supposed to make superficial statements about how good the company is, then hope something lucky happens and profits go up. It's called leadership, sir. Dilbert: Make it so. 
19911110	Sign: Book signing today. Writer: Would you like an autographed copy? Dogbert: Who are you? Writer: I'm Bobby McNewton, child-star from the sixties. I once had a speaking part on "Leave It To Beaver." I'm leveraging my fame to promote my recipe book. Book: "Walnuts and milk: Crush walnuts on table. Pour milk on walnuts. Serve cold." "Walnuts and pork: Kill a pig. Cook dead pig. Sprinkle walnuts on pig's corpse." Writer: I used a ghost writer. Dogbert: Was he a ghost before he ate your food? 
19911113	Dogbert: We have to approach your dating problem logically. We'll begin by writing down all of the qualities you want in a girlfriend. Caption: Much later... Dilbert: ...And she must be a ballerina. Dogbert: My paw is cramping. 
19911116	Dilbert: I joined a bowling league. Dogbert: Yikes! We've become lower middle-class! Dilbert: Don't be ridiculous. Bowling is good exercise. I'm doing it to build muscle tone. Bowler: Hey! "Little Arm." 
19911117	Dilbert: She's an hour late. Hi, Ellen. Didn't we agree on seven? Ellen: Hi, Dilbert. I was ready on time but I decided to shampoo my carpets. Then I got involved in a crossword puzzle. This is how attractive people assert their superiority over the rest of you. Don't take it personally. I have a complete disregard for the feelings of all ugly people. I'll make this adorable face and you'll go into a stunned-ugly-guy stupor and forget the whole thing. Dilbert: Uh...What were we talking about? Ellen: You were explaining why you didn't bring me any flowers. 
19911118	Boss: Our CEO is announcing a ten-percent staff reduction to cut expenses. Dilbert: Question: Didn't our CEO get paid twenty million dollars this year? Boss: Yes... But risky jobs deserve higher pay. Dilbert: Question: Didn't you say WE were getting cut? 
19911119	Boss: The staff cuts will be determined by tossing a dart at the organization chart while blindfolded. Johnson: AAEEEE! Alice: You slayed Johnson! Boss: Boy, talk about decisive management! 
19911120	Wally: We're sorry to hear you're getting laid off, Bruce. We calculated that if ten of your friends here took ten percent pay cuts then the company can keep you. Bruce: Gosh! You'd do that for me? Wally: No. We're here to look at your office furniture. 
19911121	Boss: Dilbert, profits are too low. I've got to let you go... Dilbert: WHAT!! Boss: ...To a training class. They're so cute when they get jumpy. 
19911123	Sign: Portrait -- $5.00. Dilbert: Make me look smart and sexy. It doesn't look like me... Artist: Too sexy? 
19911124	Dilbert: Look, Dogbert -- a wallet. It's full of money. Dogbert: We're rich!! Dilbert: We must return it to its owner. Dogbert: We're honest! Dilbert: His business card says "Sam Grooper, ruthless criminal." Let's hope "ruthless" means he divorced his wife named Ruth. Mr. Grooper, we found your wallet. No reward is expected. Sam: Hand it over. Give me your wallet too. Then slap yourselves around and scram. Dogbert: We're morons! 
19911201	Boss: Dilbert, do a presentation for the big boss tomorrow morning on the status of your project. Dilbert: There isn't any status. You only assigned the project an hour ago. Boss: Well then, do a presentation on why there's no status. Dilbert: I don't have time before tomorrow morning. Boss: Okay, then just do a presentation on why there's no time to do a presentation of the status. And I want to review it two days before you present it. Dilbert: That would be yesterday. Should I do a presentation on why tomorrow is less than two days from today? Boss: Hmm...Good. The boss likes that analytical stuff. 
19911202	Boss: Dilbert, your new co-worker is Zimbu the monkey. Zimbu learned English from the zoo keepers in a special program. Dilbert: This monkey is an insult to the intelligence of the other workers and I. Zimbu: Other workers and "me," not "I." 
19911205	Wally: I hear that big layoffs are coming, nervous Ted. Ted: AAAH!! AAAAH!! AAAAH!! Dilbert: Let me try one. Wally: Okay, but give him a minute. 
19911207	Dilbert: Your eyes are like the moon on an autumn night, full of mystery and magic. Your lips are like earthworms, painted a hideous red and caught on the sidewalk during a rain storm. Dogbert: Home early? Dilbert: At least I didn't have to kiss the worms. 
19911208	Caption: Bob the dinosaur rips the pants off of guys we hate for no reason. Bob: Yes! Caption: Guys who wear those little helmets to ride a bicycle. Man: Did a 100 "K" today. AAAAGH!! (RIP.) Bob: Safety first! Caption: Guys who know actual dance steps. Man: AAAGH! Bob: Women love that stuff! Caption: Guys who know wine. Man: Fruity, yet tannic... Bob: Flowery, yet polyester!! Caption: Guys who can stop a conversation cold. Dilbert: That reminds me of trellis code modulation. 
19911209	Dilbert: Now for the "dance of the eye contact." I pretend to look at spots on the wall. If our eyes meet too soon we'll have to awkwardly smile for ten seconds. Now! Co-worker: I hate the first smile of the day. 
19911212	Dogbert: Nostradogbert predicts that the world will end within a hundred billion years. Bob: That's a big range. Dogbert: We in the business call it the "gross prophet margin." Bob: Oh yeah, I've heard of that. 
19911213	Dilbert: When's the baby due? Woman: Baby? What baby? Can't a woman go off her diet for one day without getting that question? Next... Wally: So, when's the baby due? 
19911214	Dilbert: Knowledge is power, Dogbert. Someday, the people who know how to use computers will rule over those who don't. And they will have a special name for us. Dogbert: Secretaries. 
19911215	Dilbert: I'm going to dust. (ZIP.) I'm starting to think there's a trick to this. Dogbert: Did your mother teach you to dust that way? Dilbert: We didn't call her the "grey fox" because of her clever brownie recipe. 
19911219	Dogbert: I've become a newspaper critic. Dilbert: Of what? Paper: News. Dogbert: I criticize ordinary people...I started with you. Dilbert: Hey, here it is. What's this little symbol mean? Dogbert: That's a dog sniffing himself...It's like getting one star. 
19911220	Wally: Uh-oh, Nardo is coming. I'm out of here. Dilbert: Uh, hi, Nardo. Nardo: In the old country we did not have what you call personal space. Dilbert: Take your hands out of my pockets. Nardo: Oh, I get it. They're for your use only, right? 
19911221	Dilbert: Bishop takes rook. I have you now, my friend. Dogbert: My queen has an Uzi in her purse. She slays your entire side. Dilbert: You did the same thing when we played Scrabble. Dogbert: Take it like a man. 
19911222	Caption: 'Twas the night before Christmas... When a duck hit the sled... (SMACK.) Santa fell out... And dropped on his head... He was barely alive, this jolly old elf... 'Twas the holiday season, so I thought of myself... Dogbert: Hey! I don't see any gifts here! Caption: So I stole his hat and buried him in the back yard. The end. Dilbert: Uh...This is interesting, Dogbert. Dogbert: The sequel is titled "Elf Wars: The Taste of Venison." 
19911223	Boss: From now on, all employees are empowered to make their own decisions. Empowerment is the concept of the nineties. You'll be happier and more productive. Wally: You're fired, Dilbert. Dilbert: No, YOU are! Alice: I'll never work hard again! 
19911224	Dilbert: Have you made any decisions since the boss made us all "empowered"? Wally: Just one. I turned my cubicle into a revenue generating tourist attraction. So far, business has been slow at "sticky-note city." 
19911226	Dilbert: What did you mean when you said all employees are empowered? Does that mean I can control my own budget, make decisions without twelve levels of approval, and take calculated risks on my own? Boss: No, it's just a way to blame employees for not doing the things we tell them not to do. Dilbert: No wonder you needed a new word. 
19911227	Woman: I'm using a new system for evaluating my dates. I just check off boxes on this card throughout the night. There...I just dinged you a point for that nervous twitch. Would you say your head is more like a block or a bucket? 
19911228	Dilbert: Do you ever wonder about the meaning of life, Dogbert? Dogbert: I used to. But I looked it up in the dictionary under "L" and there it was -- the meaning of life. It was less than I expected. Dilbert: Did you try the thesaurus? 
19911229	Dilbert: I've been asked to brief everybody on the company's policy for protecting secret information. All secret information must be locked up at night. Our secrets could be of great value to our competitors. In fact, some companies try to buy the secrets of their competitors. Employee: Just out of curiosity, how much would our competitors pay for our secrets? Dilbert: Oh, I dunno...Maybe several times your annual salary. I don't think this was some of my best work. 
19920105	Father: Thanks for agreeing to baby-sit, Dogbert. Dogbert: No sweat. Bret: Doggie-bert! Dogbert: Sit down, Bret. You're in your most innocent and impressionable years. As an adult, it is my duty to fill your sponge-like brain with incredible nonsense for my own entertainment. Your parents are really space aliens. They're just fattening you up so they can eat you! The slaughterhouse is a place called kindergarten!! Father: Thanks, Dogbert. Did you change him? Dogbert: Probably. 
19920106	Dogbert: I bought a gun that shoots ping-pong balls! (Ptoink) I love games that involve the whole family. 
19920107	Boss: Hold still...I'm going to try a morale-building experiment. (Slap slap slap slap) Thanks, I feel a lot better. 
19920108	Dilbert: Why should I get up today? What is my purpose in life? I'm hungry. A toasted bagel would taste great. Maybe the purpose of life is eating bagels. Dogbert: You shouldn't try to think on an empty stomach. 
19920109	Ratbert: Snack time, Dilbert! I brought an apple so you will like me! Dilbert: Nice try, Ratbert, but I don't want to eat something that was touched by a rat. Ratbert: The worst part is that's why I didn't eat it myself. 
19920110	Dilbert: I don't know why we even bother holding meetings on Friday afternoons... I mean, everybody is brain-dead by now. Is this really productive? Engineer: Hmm...Productive? Hmm... Dilbert: I'm too late. 
19920111	Telephone: Rrrring. Hello! This is a long-distance phone company with vague promises of unverifiable savings if you switch to us. Is this an inconvenient time for you? Dilbert: No. Telephone: Oh, then we'll call back later. 
19920112	Ratbert: The great thing about this country is that we have freedom of speech! Is it okay to say that? Dogbert: Hmm...Let's see if it's on the free speech checklist... Okay, you didn't advocate overthrowing the government... You were not obscene...You did not generalize about a disadvantaged group...You did not teach children anything useful or practical... You didn't refer to anybody who can afford a lawyer to sue us... And there's nobody within hearing distance who can harm us financially...You're clear. Ratbert: God bless this country! Dogbert: WHOA! WHOA! 
19920114	Sign: Dogbert's jail for the Rich and Famous. Rich Man: Checking in. Dogbert: Your record says you stole three billion dollars from investors. Rich Man: Ha ha ha ha ha. Dogbert: I guess you've learned your lesson. Rich Man: Whoa! Looks like my jail term is almost over! 
19920119	Dilbert: Uncle Ned, can we see your hunting trophies after dinner? Oooh... Ned: I bagged this one at the zoo. Dilbert: The zoo? That's illegal. Ned: No wonder everybody got so excited. These are some doves I killed with help from my loyal dog, Rusty. That's Rusty. We ran out of doves... These were my neighbors -- Florence, Dave and Muffin. Dilbert: Hey, look at the time! Got to run! Ned: Don't you want to see my "hall-o'-postal employees"? Dilbert: New rule: Find out their hobbies before you eat their pot roast. Dogbert: We should have stayed for the "hall-o'-postal employees." 
19920120	Dogbert: I've decided to become an inside trader of stocks. Paper: News. Dilbert: Inside trading is illegal. Besides, where will you get your information? Dogbert: Shhh...I hear a board meeting starting in San Francisco. 
19920121	Dogbert: I can execute my stock transactions on-line with the PC. There...my insider trading netted another sixty million dollars. Dilbert: Bad dog! I suppose it's too late to try slapping him with a rolled-up newspaper. 
19920122	Dogbert: Thank you all for coming. I called this house meeting because somebody tipped off the authorities about my insider stock trading. Somebody in this room is a rat. Ratbert: Figuratively speaking? 
19920123	Dogbert: I thought you were my friend, Ratbert. Why did you tip off the authorities about my insider stock trading? Ratbert: I was afraid that if you kept the money you would leave and I'd never see you again. Dogbert: Really? Gee... Did they give you a reward? Ratbert: Yeah, I'm outta here! 
19920126	Dogbert: I have a solution for your dating dilemma. At your age there are more single men than single women. Worse yet, all of the single women are dating married men or serial killers. But the statistics eventually favor men. Dilbert: Really? How? Dogbert: At age 80 there are THREE TIMES as many available women as men because men die younger. Dilbert: Are you saying I should wait until I'm old...and date 80-year-old women? Dogbert: No. I wouldn't wait... 
19920127	Dilbert: I hope Dogbert doesn't get jealous of my new goldfish. Paper: News. (FLUSH.) Dogbert: Have you noticed that Goldie was looking a bit depressed? Paper: News. 
19920130	Wally: How's the new guy doing? Dilbert: He's extremely productive. We think he's one of those bureaucracy savants. 
19920131	Cowboy: I was skeptical about hiring a dog as our new square-dance caller, but your resume is impressive. I didn't even know you could win a Pulitzer prize for square-dance calling. Wow! And you're already in the Alberdeen hall of dung! 
19920201	Dogbert: Swing your partner, dosey-do, now clap your hands... Uh-oh, that's all the square dance moves I know...I'll bluff the rest. Slap your partner in the face, write bad checks all over the place, flirt with strangers, annoy your spouse, get a divorce and lose your house...Uh...Dosey-do. 
19920202	Dilbert: Carol, if you have any suggestions on my report, let me know. Carol: What kind of ridiculous tripe are you pushing?? I spit on your report! (Ptoo! Ptoo!) I should burn it to ashes, but I won't... Because I'd rather dance on your grave after people read this! HA HA HA HA! Crawl back into your hole, you fly-infested bucket of dead carp!! DIE! DIE! DIE! Dilbert: Next time I'm just gonna say "Carol, make some copies." Wally: The secretaries here have way too much power. 
19920203	Genius: You seem like a bright fellow; Have you considered joining MENSA? Dilbert: Is that the group with genius IQs? Genius: Precisely correct. I'm president of the local chapter. Dilbert: If we're so smart, why do we work here? Genius: Intelligence has much less practical application than you'd think. 
19920205	Dogbert: You joined what? Dilbert: MENSA. It's a group of people with genius IQs. I'm hoping it will be a good way to network and enhance my career. Garbageman: I heard you joined our MENSA group...I hope you can make it to the career expo. 
19920207	Ratbert: I just realized that some carbon molecules must be shaped like hollow geodesic balls!! ERK!!! Dogbert: That's what happens when a flash of insight hits the wrong place. 
19920208	Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called "time" and "cause and effect" exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish. 
19920216	Janet: I've decided to have plastic surgery. Dilbert: Frankly, I think it's the right decision. Maybe then nobody will call you "Toucan Sam" behind your back in the cafeteria every day. Norman: Ooh, and remember when the summer intern left? The joke was "maybe Janet accidentally snorted him up her nose." Janet: Actually, I'm only going to have my lips puffed. Norman: I hope the nurses are tethered down. Dilbert: I got off easy...Poor Norman got snorted. 
19920223	Sign: BANK OF ETHEL. Now a secret Swiss bank. Dilbert: I'd like to withdraw two hundred dollars. Ethel: What's your secret Swiss account number? Dilbert: I don't have a secret account. It's just a regular account. Ethel: Wrong. I changed all of the accounts into secret Swiss accounts. Dilbert: Oh, okay. What's my secret account number? Ethel: It's a secret. Dilbert: Then how do I get my money out? Ethel: You're a bit slow in grasping the concept here. Dilbert: Okay, okay. I'll just open a new account. Ethel: Do you have any previous banking references? 
19920227	Dogbert: Ratbert, I'm looking for a vice president for my ticket. I need somebody who is so inept and simple-minded that I always look good in comparison. Ratbert: I don't understand. Dogbert: Okay, okay, you've got the job. 
19920229	Garbageman: The key to winning the election is voter turnout. To be specific, you want everybody to stay home except you. I've worked up a little ad campaign. Poster: He touched the voting booth before you did. And he never washes his hands. 
19920301	Caption: Dogbert presents the seven advantages of being dumb. #1. Impending doom doesn't bother you. Dilbert: There's a hole in the ozone layer. Bob: Cool! Caption: #2. Television is a source of constant wonder. Bob: I wonder if Doogie is a doctor in real life. Caption: #3. You have a solution for every problem. Bob: If people are starving in Africa they should move to France. Caption: #4. You are not constrained by a budget. Bob: It was free! They just make you sign papers! Caption: #5. You've seen Elvis frequently. Bob: It's the king! Caption: #6. Instant replays are as exciting as live action. Bob: This time he could make it. Caption: #7. You receive twice as many compliments. Dogbert: You're kind of the Dan Quayle of dinosaurs. Bob: Really?! Wow! 
19920303	Dogbert: I'm going to host my own television show. It's called "Dogbert's World of Amazingly Ignorant People." Of course, I'll film you in shadows and alter your voice electronically. Dilbert: That's very considerate. 
19920304	Dogbert: Welcome to Dogbert's world of amazingly ignorant people. Tonight we'll visit people who don't understand economics but talk about it anyway. Man 1: So, I heard the Fed increased the money supply, but I checked my bank balance and it's the SAME as before. Man 2: That isn't fair. 
19920305	Dogbert: On this episode of "Dogbert's amazingly ignorant people" we ask people to find Australia on the globe. Woman: Is that the place with the Alps or the kangaroos? Man: I think it's in London. Dogbert: When we return, inspiration becomes bitter disappointment. Woman: Hey! Who says it has to be on the OUTSIDE? 
19920306	Dogbert: On today's episode of "Dogbert's Amazingly Ignorant People" we talk to people who don't know history. How many people perished because of World War II? Man: Uh...400? Dogbert: The answer is fifty million. Man: Oh...Rounding. 
19920307	Ratbert: What product are we testing today, Doc? Scientist: We'll be testing the safety of cosmetics. This will be your most dangerous assignment. Ratbert: Sometimes I hate this job. Men: HEY BABY!! WHOA!! WHOA!! 
19920309	Dilbert: How was your day, Dogbert? Dogbert: Hey! What's that smell? Just as I suspected -- You stopped to pet the neighbor's cat! Dilbert: It meant nothing. It was more of a pat then a pet. Dogbert: Save your lies for the trial. 
19920318	Dogbert: I've been using false humility to weasel compliments out of people... But I know you're way too smart to fall for that trick, Ratbert. Ratbert: Actually, I'm dumb as toast. Dogbert: Then I found I could use false compliments to make people insult themselves. 
19920319	Dogbert: It's easy to make insecure people insult themselves. Good morning, Ma'am. you look thin and sexy today! Woman: Sexy?! Ha! I'm a whale...A whale with a bad hairdo! Dogbert: Next. 
19920321	Dogbert: I bought some "smart pills" for you. They're made from Chinese herbs. I saw a news story about these...and naturally I thought of you. I discovered the perfect gift item. 
19920328	Alice: Willy, there's a mouse in my office. Please get rid of it. Willy: Haw haw! Twenty-five years of the so-called women's movement and nothing is different! Alice: Do it now, or I'll fire your butt. Willy: This part is a little different. 
19920401	Dogbert: So, Mister President, a tax rebate for dogs is the only fair way to stimulate the economy. Because then you get a Keynesian free market multiplier effect to boost your GNP up the supply side of the curve. President: Are you POSITIVE that dogs can vote? Dogbert: Now, r-e-e-l him in... 
19920403	Dilbert: ...So, then I thought, ha! Maybe there's a bug in the compiler program itself! AAAGH! Maybe that story went on a little long... Woman: What gave it away? 
19920404	Dogbert: Have you heard about the Idaho flu that's going around? At first you feel perfectly healthy...then bam, you die. Dilbert: Hey, I feel perfectly healthy right now. Dogbert: My work here is done. 
19920406	Boss: Dilbert, I'm putting you on a rotational assignment... You will be working in marketing until further notice. Sign: MARKETING -- Two drink minimum. 
19920407	Caption: Dilbert is transferred to marketing. Marketer: You look lost. Dilbert: I never knew that marketing was like this...Do you people do any work? Marketer: Well, not on "barbecue Tuesday." Are you staying for lunch? It's unicorn! 
19920410	Marketer: Think of the company as a person. We in marketing would be the "brains." The sales department would be the "body." Dilbert: What's engineering. Marketer: The snot. 
19920413	Ratbert: Why does Dogbert always get to sit on your legs and I never do? Dilbert: Because Dogbert is my best friend and you're just a disease-carrying vermin. Ratbert: Maybe this isn't the time to launch my "family hug time" concept. 
19920417	Dilbert: I sit here motionless while the boss reads my report. I can't talk while he's reading, and I don't have anything of my own to read... Boss: I wonder how long I can make him sit there feeling uncomfortable? Dilbert: A hundred bottles of beer on the wall... 
19920418	Ratbert: The mighty hunter strikes his wily prey! The hunter is awash in manly hormones. He has mastered his sport and conquered one of natures best. I used to feel guilty about this until I realized it's a sport. 
19920424	Woman: MPHF! AACK! COUGH! HMP! GURGLE! Dilbert: If you're pretending to choke to death to end our date early, it won't work. Like I haven't seen that trick a jillion times. 
19920425	Ratbert: I'm having a crisis of self image. So I, as a rat, add any value to the world? Or do I simply deplete its resources, then die? Oh...sorry...I sucked all the music out of the room. 
19920428	Meditator: To reach cosmic joy you must give away all of your possessions. Dilbert: What if I give everything away but still do not achieve cosmic joy? Meditator: Then the cosmic joy is on you. Dilbert: I'm starting to see how this works. 
19920429	Dilbert: Here's my report. It's some of my best work. Shredder: Bzzzzzzzt! Dilbert: I hate that porta-shredder Boss: Say, is that a silk necktie? 
19920502	Ratbert: Dogbert, sometimes I think you're the only one who respects me. Dogbert: Wrong. Ratbert: Maybe I should drop it while there's still some ambiguity. 
19920504	Cabinet: Office supplies. Engineer: Wow! A fresh shipment! Mine! All mine! Dilbert: While you were up, someone took your desk. 
19920505	Dilbert: Hi...Are you new here? I've never seen you before. Co-worker: I'm the lost employee...I've been hiding in the bureaucracy since the fifties...Paid but forgotten. Dilbert: Wouldn't THAT be the perfect job... 
19920507	Dogbert: I've made little progress toward my goal of being supreme ruler of Earth. Obviously it's not my fault. Somebody else must be to blame. Dilbert: I hate it when he just stares. 
19920508	Boss: Sometimes you have to move forward just to stay where you are. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. If you're not part of the solution you're part of the problem. How can we use our strengths against our competitors' weaknesses? Dilbert: We could bore them to death with your cliches. 
19920511	Dogbert: I'm going to open the "Dogbert advertising company." Paper: News. Dogbert: Apparently, people will believe just about anything that makes them feel good. Dilbert: Hey, don't underestimate our intelligence. Dogbert: I could never underestimate your intelligence. Dilbert: Apology accepted. 
19920513	Salesman 1: We like your proposed ad campaign, Dogbert, but we think it needs some scantily clad women in it. Dogbert: Gentlemen, this is the nineties. That concept is offensive and out-dated. Salesman 1: Ooh-ooh! What is they had jobs? Salesman 2: Bikini lawyers in skates! 
19920516	Bald Man: I'm feeling confident today with what appears to be a full head of hair. Nobody suspects that I'm actually combing the hair that grows in my ears over the top of my otherwise bald head. It's amazing how clueless these people are. 
19920522	Boss: Dave, I hear that you've started cutting your own hair... I'm afraid I'll have to drop you from the management fast-track program. Lucky we caught that one before he got too far. 
19920523	Woman: ...So then I spent a year in Europe and blah blah blah blah. Dilbert: Hey, I think I can see your brain through your nose! Anyway...You were saying? 
19920528	Boss: I need an outside consultant like you to help with lay-offs. My main concern is to minimize the pain and hardship that goes with this. Dogbert: With generous severance pay? Boss: No. I think that would only make my pain and suffering worse. 
19920530	Boss: My consultant advised me to handle the lay-offs in a direct, professional way. So, throughout the day I'll be sneaking up on people and stamping "canceled" on their backs. Employee: Let me see if I understand... Boss: Hey! Is that the Goodyear blimp? 
19920605	Ratbert: All week I've been watching violent movies at the lab. A group of parents are studying me to see if I become inured to violence. Dogbert: Are you? Ratbert: Yeah. I'm planning to gnaw the parents to death tomorrow. 
19920606	Woman: I don't know what we can do to meet more men. Dilbert: Hi, my name is Dilbert. Woman: Get lost...I'm armed. And the men we do meet all have that same stunned bunny look. 
19920608	Boss: We've got to make drastic changes to keep up with the competition. That's why I've had these little note pads made that say "quality." Dilbert: Isn't it spelled with a "u"? 
19920609	Boss: What the department needs is a slogan to inspire us. Our new slogan is "we are quality." Alice: Suddenly I feel like working long hours for no extra pay. Boss: It's working! 
19920615	Dilbert: What did you do to your hair? Dogbert: It's for my new television show, "Healing for dollars." People send more money if you have this kind of hair. Wife: It might be a trick. Husband: That's what I thought until I saw his hair Television: Checks or money orders. 
19920618	Boss: I'm proud to announce that the company had found yet another way to dehumanize the employees. From now on you will wear identification badges at work. This symbolizes that people who look like you are often criminals. Oh...and the cafeteria is closed. We'll just lay down some alfalfa in the break room. 
19920619	Dilbert: Maybe Ted can answer that question... Ted: Uh-oh. They're trying to make me work. I'll have to use body language to discourage them. Dilbert: Uh...never mind. Ted: It's working. 
19920620	Dilbert: I'd like to apply for a "Bank of Ethel" credit card. Ethel: Sit down and shut up. It's 21% interest plus surprisingly high annual fees. We'll do a credit check and a full body cavity search. Dilbert: ...And I had to smile the whole time because they were filming it for their television ads. Dogbert: You have to admire their attitude. 
19920622	Boss: Tell me what you've accomplished this year so I can write your performance appraisal. Dilbert: The inventions I made last year -- that you thought were worthless, will generate twelve million in license fees next year! Boss: So, no real accomplishments THIS year? 
19920627	Caption: Dogbert's school of common sense. Dogbert: This is the story of Clayton the auto mechanic. Clayton smoked cigars while working on gasoline engines. What problem did this cause? Slide: Boom. Clayton: He was hit by lightning every time? Dogbert: Does anybody besides Clayton have a guess? 
19920703	Dilbert: Lucky Airlines? I demand payment for the luggage I lost when we crashed into the mountain. No, technically it's not "lost."...Well, yes, I did eat your complimentary peanuts... Help me out here...So far, I've agreed to hot-wax their tarmac. 
19920704	Woman: Everybody in the office gets a turn holding my new baby. Ted: Next. Dilbert: Uh-oh...Sneeze coming. ACHOOO. Ooh! Look what he does when you sneeze on him. Ted: He looks like a prune! 
19920706	Accountant: Hi! I want to be your financial advisor. I've come to live with you. We'll eventually form a lifelong bond of trust and friendship. Dogbert: I liked it better when you guys just took our money. Accountant: I recommend a strategy called "churn." 
19920707	Accountant: I recommend our "churn 'n' burn" family of mutual funds. We'll turn your worthless equity into valuable brokerage fees in just three days! Dilbert: Is it risky? Accountant: Are you kidding?! We have actual brochures! 
19920708	Accountant: For the timid investor, I recommend our "perpetual certificates of deposit." They earn the highest possible interest. The only trade-off is that you can never withdraw it. Dilbert: Why don't I just fling my money out a window? Accountant: Ah, you've heard of our "flying debenture" product? 
19920709	Accountant: That's our new "strategic diversification fund." Our lawyers put your money in little bags, then we have trained dogs bury them around town. Dilbert: Do they bury the lawyers or the bags. Accountant: We've tried it both ways. 
19920710	Dilbert: I invested all of my money in stock options. Dogbert: What's an option? Dilbert: It's complicated...Basically, you give your money to a stock broker and he buys nice things for his family. Do you have any snide comments? Dogbert: No, you took all the fun out of it. 
19920711	Dogbert: Am I wrong or did you tell me you invested all of your money in stock options for a company called Zymed? Dilbert: Yes. Dogbert: The radio says the stock price tripled on takeover rumors. You just made about ten million dollars. But they say money can't buy happiness. Dilbert: Apparently "they" are idiots. 
19920713	Dilbert: I'm going to work like a regular guy even though I just made a fortune in the stock market. That's because I still want to be a useful and contributing member of society. And of course, the workplace is the second most satisfying place to gloat. Dogbert: Are you done here yet? 
19920716	Dilbert: Gee, Mary, you weren't willing to date me BEFORE I made millions in the stock market. I'm afraid you see me as just a big, talking wallet. Mary: You're much more than that. For example, you also wear thick glasses. Dilbert: Too little, too late. 
19920717	Dilbert: I've been miserable since I made my fortune in the stock market. Garbageman: It's the "law of found money." Nature won't allow us to keep money we find on the ground or find by chance. Don't resist; let your intuition guide you. Dilbert: This comes with a color monitor, right? 
19920718	Dilbert: I spent my entire fortune to buy this supercomputer. Dogbert: What does it do? Dilbert: It can calculate the value of pi to about a jillion decimal places... A lot of people TALK about the area of circles, but I'm DOING something about it. 
19920720	Dilbert: I'm using my new supercomputer to create a model that can predict your entire life. You see, everything, including your brain chemistry, is subject of predictable patterns of cause and effect... Dogbert: That's ridiculous. It implies that we have no free will. Dilbert: Next, you start getting really mad at me. 
19920727	Dilbert: What's this? Dogbert: I'm starting my own newsletter for clueless people. Thanks to the technical marvel of desktop publishing, clueless people will now have the benefit of my immense wisdom. Dilbert: How do you know who the clueless people are? Dogbert: They ask a lot of questions. 
19920730	Dogbert: Ratbert, I brought you a copy of the "Dogbert clueletter." The newsletter for clueless people. Ratbert: No thanks. I used to be clueless but I turned that situation around 360 degrees. "Dogbert's clues to conversational geometry..." 
19920731	Woman: Alice, Mary, let's go to the ladies room! I rented "Gone With The Wind." We can watch it on the big screen TV. Mary: I want the grey sofa! Wally: Hey, look! The men's room has SOAP!! 
19920801	Dilbert: I thought I was happy... Then I thought what if I only THINK I'm happy but I'm not. Maybe I've been hypnotized and don't even know it. Worrying about it made me unhappy, which means I must NOT be under hypnosis, so I'm happy. Dogbert: Maybe I only THINK you're talking but really I'm happy. 
19920803	Dilbert: Gee, Tim, you look awful. Tim: At first I had a mental block. But on the fourth day I was visited by an Incan monkey god who told me what to write. Dilbert: Wow, lucky break. Tim: Now I just have to find somebody who can translate his simple but beautiful language. 
19920804	Boss: I understand you've been going without sleep or food for days just to meet some artificial deadline. Tim: Ergle, flumg. Boss: As a result, your work has been muddle-brained and incomprehensible. You leave me no choice, Tim. Tim: Gleeb, nub. Wally: Tim got promoted to division manager. Dilbert: I wonder if he knows it. 
19920805	Tim: I've sacrificed my health, my personal life and my soul to get promoted. Ha ha ha! But it was all worth it because I have an office with a DOOR and you still work in a cubicle! Maybe I'll host a special "low-achiever day" to let you touch my door. Dilbert: Oops. 
19920806	Announcer: A farmer in Windham claims that the face of Saint Theresa appeared in a can of varnish. Worshippers are flocking to the farm to witness the miracle. "I should charge for admission" quipped the farmer. Dogbert: Guess what I found in the peanut butter. Dilbert: Please let it be a bug. 
19920807	Dogbert: It's a miracle, Ratbert. The image of Saint Ted appeared in my jar of peanut butter! Ratbert: Saint Ted? Who ever heard of Saint Ted? Couldn't you get Saint Theresa? Dogbert: She was booked to a can of varnish in upstate New York. Ratbert: Saint Ted looks like a "happy face." 
19920808	Reporter: People have traveled from all over to see the miracle of the peanut butter. Dogbert: Step right up...Just ten bucks to see the face of Saint Ted appearing in my jar of peanut butter. Sign: $10. Customer 1: Ooh! And I see Elvis in the Jello! Customer 2: Only the king moves like that! 
19920810	Dogbert: The mighty warrior prepares for battle... Today, bold memos will be written, dangerous meetings will be attended, and many a photocopied image will be captured for eternity. Dilbert: If it weren't for sarcasm, my life would sound pathetic. Dogbert: Glad to help. 
19920811	Woman: I haven't dated much since I came down with puppetitis. It's a rare disorder that makes your hand act like a puppet. Dilbert: That's weird. HandPuppet: He hates us! We must kill him! Woman: Not yet, Ginger! 
19920812	Woman: I caught the disease puppetitis from somebody I dated. Hand: Ha ha! That's right! Now her hand is a puppet! Dilbert: I hate the nineties. Hand: Join us...Don't be afraid. 
19920814	Boss: Let's see if my idea of using an electric cattle prod will boost employee productivity. (ZAP!) Mental note: Hold rubber end. 
19920815	Dogbert: Don't think of yourself as the least intelligent creature in this room... If you consider the entire planet, you're smarter than literally hundreds of people. Dilbert: Have you ever considered taking up a hobby? Dogbert: This IS my hobby. 
19920817	Dilbert: It must be great to be a security guard. You have the entire day to let your mind transport you to magic realms of wonder and creativity. Guard: I wonder what balsa wood tastes like. 
19920818	Sign: Marriage counselor. Dogbert: I can see your problem. I recommend massive plastic surgery for both of you...and your personalities are bad, too; pretend to be other people. Couple: Should we try to communicate more? Dogbert: No, that's just begging for trouble. 
19920819	Caption: Dogbert the marriage counselor. Dogbert: I'd like to try some visualization exercises. Imagine the two of you watching a beautiful sunset. You're on a cliff overlooking the ocean. Bob, try not to get ahead of me. Bob: Shove. 
19920820	Caption: Dogbert the marriage counselor. Man: We have a running fight over how to squeeze the tube of toothpaste. I like to squeeze it from the bottom. She prefers to empty the tube on the rug and roll around in it. Dogbert: At night, does she "hog" the blankets and snort? Man: Wow, it's like you know her. 
19920821	Caption: Dogbert the marriage counselor. Woman: I fell in love with him because he had a great car... It wasn't until later that I realized he has the personality of mildew. Dogbert: Have you tried spraying him with Lysol? Woman: Yeah, it only makes him dizzy. 
19920822	Signs: Bill's big 'n' egg-shaped men's fashions / Specializing in the ovoid man / Open. Dilbert: I want some clothes that make a statement. Salesman: All our clothes make a statement. This sweater says "help me, help me, I look like a big egg!" Dilbert: Does it come in brown? 
19920824	Boss: There are two good articles in the paper today: One about magnets, and one on sign language. I'd like you to write a white paper on how these items could influence the project you're working on. Dilbert: Do you even know what project I'm working on? Boss: I don't have time to get into minutia. 
19920825	Boss: Let's begin by going around the table and introducing ourselves. Dilbert: I'm Dilbert. I've worked for you for five years. Alice: Alice, I've worked for you for ten years. Albert: Albert, six years. Sally: Sally, eight years. Boss: I KNEW these people looked familiar. 
19920826	Engineer: Thank you all for coming. There's no specific agenda for this meeting... As usual, we'll just make unrelated emotional statements about things which bother us. I'll kick it off... There's never time to get any work done around here!! 
19920827	Boss: Dilbert, I'd like you to meet Ben, our newest fast-track manager. Dilbert: Hi. Boss: Ben has no real experience but he's very tall, so we know he'll go far. Ben: I also have executive style hair. Boss: We think it will turn silver. 
19920828	Dilbert: Hey, I haven't done a thing for minutes and yet I still get paid. Hoo-hoo-ha! I'm ripping off the evil corporate empire and there's nothing they can do about it! I have total power! I'd better keep this little secret to myself. Co-worker: Hey, I'm getting paid for doing nothing! 
19920829	Boss: Here's something else that's totally unimportant yet requires action. I'll route it to a subordinate, thus inflating its perceived importance and destroying both morale and productivity. What luck, I got two copies! 
19920831	Boss: I'm sending all of you to the "rivers and trees" management course. There you'll be asked to perform a variety of dangerous tasks in the woods. Your survival will depend on your creativity and ability to work together. Dilbert: Oh, so it's a team-building exercise. Boss: I think of it more as a headcount reduction thing. 
19920904	Ratbert: I'm channeling all of my pain and hostility into my art. Dogbert: All I see is a bowl of fruit. Ratbert: The banana HATES the apple. 
19920907	Dilbert: It's called multimedia, Dogbert. Now I can include video and music with my computer programs. This morning I added my face plus the theme song from "Star Wars" to my budget spreadsheet. I already forgot how I survived without it. Dogbert: It can get pretty ugly when science and art collide. 
19920908	Programmer: When I started programming, we didn't have any of these sissy "icons" and "windows." All we had were zeros and ones -- and sometimes we didn't have ones. I wrote an entire database program using only zeros. Dilbert: You had zeros? We had to use the letter "O." 
19920910	Boss: I just heard that light travels faster than sound. I'm wondering if I should shout when I speak, just so my lips appear to sync-up with my words. Dilbert: A little knowledge can be a ridiculous thing. Boss: He probably hasn't heard me yet. 
19920912	Dilbert: Why do women write letters to guys who are in prison? Maybe is I commit a crime I can go to prison just long enough to improve my social life. Dogbert: Why not do a personals ad instead? Dilbert: That's more of a last resort. 
19920914	Lobbyist: We must use all of the resources of the "cow and egg" lobby to counter the latest threat from the vegetarians. Somehow they've managed to link food with health...They invented a "nutrition pyramid" chart and got schools to use it... Teacher: Kids, this is a little different from the way I learned it... Chart: Bad: Meat; milk, beer. Gravel, bugs; beans, tofu; fruits, vegetables; bread, cereal, grain. 
19920916	Dilbert: Dogbert, I don't understand why you, or anybody, would become a vegetarian. Dogbert: You mean, why don't I take dead animals, cook them until they become carcinogenic, then eat them instead of something nutritious? Is that your question? Dilbert: Exactly. Is there any good reason? Have you joined a cult? Dogbert: Apparently. 
19920919	Dogbert: Vegetarians, we must march to the capitol to protest the killing of animals! Vegetarian: That's a mile away. Vegetarian: Can we all drive instead? Vegetarian: Or maybe write letters? Dogbert: Never lead a revolution of people who only own plastic and wooden shoes. Dilbert: I try to avoid it. Paper: News. 
19920922	Garbageman: From the looks of your garbage, you've invented some sort of molecule bifurcation communicator. Ah, yes. Einstein thought this type of thing might work. Physicist John Stuart Bell kind of fleshed it out in 1964. But you've really added something... Specifically, you've added this calculation error here. 
19920923	Manager: His name is Dilbert. He invented something that would make our entire product line obsolete. Executive: Do you have a plan? Manager: Uh...I could wax your desk with my hair again. Executive: It's just crazy enough to work. 
19920929	Dogbert: "Unmarried men commit ninety percent of all violent acts. They should all be jailed in advance to prevent further atrocities." "And I should become a media sensation for suggesting such a provocative thing. The end." It's hard to write a whole book when you're as gifted as I am at getting to the point. 
19920930	Host: My guest for today's show is Dogbert, author of the one-page book "Unmarried Men Are Scum." Your theory is that all unmarried men should be jailed for life, thus ending most crime. Dogbert: Exactly. Host: What if they try to beat the system by getting married? Dogbert: Serves 'em right. 
19921001	Ratbert: I'm following in your footsteps so I can be a demagogue too. Your book "Unmarried Men Are Scum: was so successful that I decided to write my own hate book disguised as science! I call it "Moles Are Morons." Dogbert: Were you aware that moles have a strong underground movement? 
19921002	Woman: I must warn you that I have an obsessive personality. If I spend a moment with a man I fall completely in love. I think of only him. I...I become his slave. Dilbert: Are you saying... Woman: Yes, I'm in love with our waiter. 
19921003	Dogbert: Have you ever had a strange dream or a nosebleed? Dilbert: Yes. Dogbert: It's clear that you're suppressing memories of being abducted by aliens. I can use hypnosis to get at those memories. Dilbert: What if the hypnosis itself makes me think it happened when it didn't? I'll be scorned and ridiculed for life. Dogbert: That's a risk I'm willing to take. 
19921013	Caption: They say everybody has a perfect match... And they say the key to a life of happiness... ...Is to avoid that person at all costs. Dilbert: Yuck. Woman: Yuck. Dogbert: Yuck. Cat: Yuck. 
19921015	Boss: I just received your employee suggestion. We'll handle it the usual way -- by making you sit under a wet blanket surrounded by imbeciles. Dilbert: At least there's a process. Imbecile: Explain your suggestion again. 
19921016	Woman: Most handsome men are self-centered jerks. But you're different...You're... Dilbert: Considerate? Woman: Ugly. 
19921017	Dogbert: Remember the time you laughed at your own joke so hard that you inhaled and snorted at the same time? Paper: News. Dogbert: Then you choked on your own spit, which caused you to lurch over and bonk your head on the coffee table... Dilbert: I'm ignoring you. Dogbert: Who says life is boring? Paper: News. 
19921019	Dogbert: I've decided to become a doctor. People have to suck up to doctors, otherwise they stick big needles into your body for practically no reason at all. A lot of careers don't offer that kind of opportunity. Dilbert: Yeah, it's not the same with a stapler. 
19921020	Dogbert: Hold still while Doctor Dogbert whacks your knee. (Tap.) Patient: Aak...Crime is society's fault...Raise taxes to feed the poor...Stop nuclear research...Save the... Dogbert: Apparently you're a knee-jerk liberal. You can live a normal life but you'll be annoying at parties. 
19921023	Sign: Dogbert's dating service. Customer: I'd like to sign up. Although deep down I know that all of the people in your service are men, I cling to the fantasy of meeting the woman who modeled for your brochure. Dogbert: She's taken, but I can match you with somebody names "Francis" or "Kris." Customer: There's hope! 
19921027	Dogbert: Welcome to the "Dogbert time management lecture series." Sorry I'm an hour late, but I was giving another lecture across town...In effect, I'll complete two jobs while you sit in the dark like stunned cattle. I don't mean to rub it in, but moooo... 
19921029	Dogbert: I'm afraid your company is being hit by an el nino circadian trough. Boss: What's that? Dogbert: Once a decade, the natural body rhythms of all the employees reach their mental low point at the same time. It's best to avoid any form of mental activity. Boss: STAFF MEETING! 
19921030	Presenter: Let me show you where the information is in your binder. First, I'll need a good load of saliva on my page-turning hand. Dilbert: Maybe you can show me in YOUR binder. Presenter: Can't...Somehow my pages got all stuck together. 
19921105	Dilbert: Sometimes I worry that I'll never be creative again. Maybe my best ideas are behind me. Wally: Oh, I wouldn't worry. Nothing you've done up to now has been any great shakes either. Dilbert: Ooh, so maybe my best work is still ahead of me. Wally: Well, you have to consider the track record here. 
19921107	Ratbert: Why are you so glum? Dilbert: It's lonely when Dogbert is away. Ratbert: Lonely? Ha! Let me entertain you with a little dance number. Then we'll bond and I'll replace Dogbert as your best friend! Dilbert: Now I'm lonely and I have a dancing rat. Ratbert: Kumbaya. 
19921110	Coworker 1: What?! You think I'll help you just because I'm your co-worker?? Ha! I hate co-workers! Dilbert: All I need is... Coworker 1: I hate this job! I hate everything! The only thing I like is being mean to co-workers who need the vital information that I control! Coworker 2: If you think YOU hate him, you should try being his secretary. 
19921111	Ted: Everybody pick a straw. The loser has to kill our abusive co-worker, Floyd. Dilbert loses. He picked the blue straw. Dilbert: I thought the SHORT straw loses. Ted: You're already a murderer; Don't be a cheater too. 
19921125	Dogbert: I always thought you beavers were busy all the time. Beaver: That's a common stereotype. I'm actually quite lazy. Dogbert: How do you build your beaver home? Beaver: I rent. 
19921130	Dogbert: What do you think of my disguise? I'm going to tell the media that I'm a space alien with unstoppable powers. With luck, the nations of the world will surrender without a fight. Dilbert: You think people are idiots...Don't you? Dogbert: This is what I looked like before the disguise. 
19921201	Dogbert: As my antennae clearly prove, I'm a space alien with incredible powers. I call on the nations of the world to surrender. Otherwise, I will cause your stock markets to fall. Caption: Later. Television: The market fell five points today. Analysts blame high interest rates and aliens. Dogbert: Yes! 
19921209	Boss: I'm using humor at work to ease tension and improve our creativity. (WHUMP!) HA HA HA HA! That loosened him up. 
19921210	Dilbert: What's the story with the costume, Wally? Wally: The boss put me on a special task force to see if humor increases creativity. I have to dress like this for a month. Dilbert: Are you feeling more creative? Wally: Yeah. I've already thought of six hundred ways to kill him. 
19921211	Boss: As part of my program to use more humor at work, I'm asking each of you to wear a "kick me" sign. I'll check later to see if you're more relaxed and creative. Caption: Later... Boss: You seem to be taking unfair advantage of the situation, Alice. 
19921214	Boss: Dilbert, you're being temporarily transferred to the field sales organization. Normally we use these assignments to round somebody out for management. But in this case I'm just yanking your chain! Dilbert: You're overcommunicating again, sir. Boss: Plus, I hate the manager of sales. 
19921215	Tina: So...Dilbert, welcome to the sales department. I'm Tina, your new boss. As the new guy, you get the customers who despise our products and want to hurt us personally. Customer: I hate you! I hate you! Tina: You'll be selling to the small business market. He's your best account. 
19921216	Instructor: Welcome to sales training. As you know, our company makes overpriced, inferior products. We try to compensate by setting high sales quotas. We don't ASK you to act illegally, but it's pretty much the only way to reach quota. Okay, that's it for training. Any questions? 
19921217	Caption: Dilbert the Salesman... Customer: Your competitor was here an hour ago... He promised me a massage from Helga if I buy from his company. What's your offer? Dilbert: I'll give you my house for Helga. Customer: You're new at this... 
19921230	Dilbert: My vast array of personal technology makes me dominant over the less-equipped engineers. I am superior to them all...with the possible exception of... Techno-Bill! Bill: Looks like somebody just had a fax. 
19930101	Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. Dilbert: According to my calculations it didn't start with a "big bang" at all -- it was more of a "phhbwt" sound. Dilbert: You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "little phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away. 
19930102	Dilbert: Then, Ratbert, the weight of the universe collapsed in on itself until all of existence could fit into a thimble! Ratbert: Why would there be a thimble in space? Dilbert: Uh... there wouldn't... Ratbert: Boy, it didn't take long to spot the gaping logical flaw in that theory. 
19930104	pointy haired boss: everybody take one and fasten it securely around your head pointy haired boss: from time to time I'll use my "belt-o-authority" to send you painful electric shocks dilbert: when our performance is bad? pointy haired boss: that's one theory, sure
19930110	Dilbert: Dogbert, I've found a way to improve the quality of life around here. I've catalogued and prioritized all of the things that bother me. Study the list so you'll know what behaviors are unacceptable. Dogbert: Wow! Thanks! This is a real bonanza! You're right. This certainly will improve the quality of my life! I think I'll do a "top hundred" countdown. This could amuse me for months. Dilbert: That didn't go as well as I'd hoped. Dogbert: Number 73: "Clipping my toenails near your soup." Dilbert: That had better be an onion there. 
19930117	Dilbert: Help! Dogbert, I'm being sucked into cyberspace! AAAAGH!! Dogbert: Let's hope you don't need pants in cyberspace. Dilbert: Wow! It's like a "Calvin and Hobbes: fantasy but without the artistic look to it. It's beautiful! I'm interfacing with the minds of brilliant people from around the globe. Sign: Internet. Dilbert: I can see how all their ideas and knowledge fit together! It's exhilerating! Sign: E-mail. Dilbert: How can I ever describe this to somebody who hasn't been here? Sign: Exit. Dilbert: ...And I didn't even need pants!! Woman: So, you're some kind of nerd, right? 
19930119	Boss: To protect our environment, I've ordered that ink be removed from all copiers, printers and pens. Research shows that many squids can be spared by reducing our ink usage. Dilbert: I don't think we get our ink from squids, sir. Boss: Oh, right...Next you'll say we don't get our "Elmer's" glue from cows. 
19930120	Boss: First on the agenda is a discussion of the company's new paper recycling program. Dilbert: We talked about that last time...Hey, this is last week's agenda. Boss: You spotted the one drawback. 
19930123	Caption: Dogbert is a romance interpreter. Dogbert: He's telling you how to logically solve all of the emotional problems you seem to have. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Dogbert: We reasons that if he can fix your problems he won't have to hear about them anymore. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Dogbert: He hopes that the wisdom and compassion he just faked was enough to arouse you. Now he will talk about himself. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. 
19930124	Co-worker1: Maybe Dilbert can tell us if our plan is technically feasible. Dilbert: For dramatic effect I'll scoff loudly. I'll just sort of laugh and snort and take a breath at the same time. (Snork.) Oh-no! Some spittle went down my air pipe...I'm choking. (Mmph. Gaak.) Co-worker2: Should we do something? Co-worker3: We're over our headcount, you know. Dilbert: ...And so I survived, but my professional credibility took a hit. Dogbert: You knew the risks when you became an engineer. 
19930128	Accountant: Whoa whoa! I just got an idea that could change everything... What if we LOWERED expenses and INCREASED revenues? That could help our financial situation. AAAGH! I CAN'T SEE!!! Dilbert: Sounds like a blinding flash of the obvious, sir. 
19930131	Boss: Before I read your proposal, run it past our legal department. Dilbert: Groan. Boss: That's the end of that. Lawyer: I didn't have to become a corporate lawyer. I could be a trial lawyer or a judge, you know. But I chose to work here at this unglamorous position. Consequently, I have a bad attitude and I'm going to take it out on you. Your proposal does nothing to help MY career. And if I approve it and we get sued later, then I'll get in trouble. In a month or so I'll formally reject your idea with a neatly typed but oddly worded memo. Boss: Did he reject your proposal yet? Dilbert: Yeah. And he filed a lawsuit against me. 
19930206	Wendell J. Stone the Fourth: Hi, guys. I'm Wendell J. Stone the Fourth, recent Stanford MBA and brand new to the workforce. Wally: Look, "Wen-dull," we aren't impressed by your education. At this company it's the quality of your work that counts! Wendell J. Stone the Fourth: I'm your new senior vice president, and I want you to lick the tar off my Porsche now. Wally: Okay, but watch the quality of my work! Dilbert:
19930207	Reporter: The budget for education was cut ten million dollars. Dogbert: Is that a big percentage? Does it make any difference? Reporter: Congress considered a music safety law after studies showed a ten percent increase in piano-related deaths. Dogbert: How does that compare to other health risks? Should I be concerned? Reporter: Lawmakers debated a bill to lower capital gain tax rates... Dogbert: What do most economists think? Would it stimulate the economy much? Should I care? Reporter: A new poll shows that many voters have strong opinions on these issues despite the fact that we provide no useful contextual data. Dogbert: I've got to stop watching scary shows right before bedtime. 
19930211	Dilbert: Here is the monthly report you asked for. Pointy haired boss: It's the worst report, I have ever seen. Dilbert: It could have been even worse had I worked on it.
19930215	Boss: In order to build team spirit I've decided you should have lunch together once a week. I won't be there myself because it would seriously cut into my free time. Besides, it's my job to motivate, not get bogged down in the details. 
19930216	Dilbert: What are you up to, Ted? Ted: I'm working like a dog lately. Dilbert: I'd better not ask. Ted: (Scratch scratch.) 
19930217	Susan: I found a typo in the budget spreadsheet...It's too late to fix it. We transferred one job to another group but accidentally kept the money and headcount. Boss: ...So, we still pay you but you aren't allowed to do work. Engineer: This is the happiest day of my life. 
19930221	Sign: Dogbert's digital dating service. Man: I'm a loser. Sign me up. Dogbert: Say "Velveeta." Now we digitize your picture for the database. I could add some digital hair. Man: Good idea. Dogbert: Maybe I should bob your nose and give you a tan. Man: That's fair. Dogbert: Whiten teeth? Man: Yes. Dogbert: Smooth wrinkles? Man: Yes. Dogbert: Hide stomach? Man: Yes. Dogbert: Thicken lips? Man: Yes. I look like Sandra Bernhard. Dogbert: Yeah, but you have to admit it improves your odds. 
19930224	Dilbert: I'm going to pull Ratbert out of the hole in space before anything bad happens. Ratbert: ...Although only a minute passed in this dimension, I've been floating in the other dimension for three hundred thousand years. Dilbert: Wow! It's lucky I didn't reach in there with my watch hand! Ratbert: YES I WAS BORED!!! THANKS FOR ASKING!! 
19930226	Pointy haired boss: We're having a department bowling night tomorrow. It's my way of rewarding all of you for your performance this quarter.  Dilbert: We hate doing things together at night.  Pointy haired boss: I wasn't happy with your performance.
19930227	Dog: Would you like to pose for my new calendar, "the men of engineering"? I hope to dispel the myth that engineers are out of shape and unaware of what others are thinking.  Dilbert: I'm still kind of "pumped" from using the mouse.  Dog: Take off your shirt.
19930301	Dilbert co-worker: Hi, I'm Tim Zumph, writer of the famous memo of February third, 1978... I remember it so clearly. My boss walked right up and said "nice memo, Tim." And it wasn't even time for my annual performance review. I still keep a copy with me.  Bald co-worker: typo...
19930302	Pointy haired boss: from now on, your raises will be partly dependent on an evalutaion by your co-workers.  Bald co-worker: Hypothetically, if my co-workers got small raises then wouldn't there be more available in the budget for me?  Pointu haired boss: That didn't last long, even by our standards.
19930303	Boss: I've been saying for years that "employees are our most valuable asset." It turns out that I was wrong. Money is our most valuable asset. Employees are ninth. Wally: I'm afraid to ask what came in eighth. Boss: Carbon paper. 
19930305	Dilbert: Gee, Linda, if you don't mind some constructive criticism, that dress makes you look pudgy.  Linda: Haaiii!!!  Dilbert: I still don't understand women, but I think when they yell "Haaiii" it means they like the dress they're wearing
19930308	Dogbert: I just read that a new computer chip is on the market. Your machine is out of date. Dogbert: You're behind the curve. Technology is racing ahead without you. You're no longer state-of the-art or leading edge. Sometimes people like you can get jobs in museums. Dilbert: I BOUGHT THIS THING YESTERDAY!! 
19930310	Salesman: Laptop computers are outdated. You want our new fingernail models. Signs: Sale -- 50 cents / New. You glue them permanently to each nail. They sense where each finger is at all times. You don't need a keyboard. Of course, some people prefer that their computer not know where their fingers are at all times. Fingernail: Dave, about last night... 
19930311	Dogbert: I'm going to start a business as a professional insulter. Dogbert: For example, I would say to you, you're so ugly you have to wear a disguise on garbage pick-up day. Dilbert: That was uncalled for. Dogbert: Well, then no charge. 
19930312	Man: Yes? Dogbert: I have a Dogbert Insult-o-Gram from your ex-wife... Dogbert: You're so ugly, weather satellites won't photograph your town unless it's cloudy. Dogbert: The smarter people recognize this as a tipping situation. 
19930313	Dilbert: I'm not looking for romance. No, I just want to be friends. Date: That's all? But why?? Dilbert: Because you have a snout like a porpoise. Dilbert: When you use reverse psychology, it's best to leave out unflattering references to other mammals. 
19930314	Dilbert: Uh...Lisa. I was wondering if you'd like to go on a date with me. Lisa: I can only date you if you survive the "challenge of fear." Dilbert: What is the "challenge of fear"? Lisa: It's a test of your manliness. First you must stick your head in the drawer as I slam it shut. Then I staple you to the employee bulletin board. Live weasels are stuffed in your pants. Finally, you must fling yourself down the elevator shaft! The weird thing is that THEY rule the world. Dilbert: Ready. 
19930316	Analyst: I summarized the budget impacts on six hundred projects with those three bullet points. Boss: "-Oxygen is good. -Competition is bad. -I like jello." Analyst: Do you think it's too detailed for the senior executives? Boss: Take out the "competition" one. 
19930317	Ratbert: I think I'm evolving into a flying rat. I noticed that my arms are flatter than my parents' arms. In a million years this natural advantage will become wings! Dogbert: There goes the happiest rat I know. Ratbert: Too soon. 
19930320	Clerk: That's $1.89. Dilbert: Just for simplicity, I'll give you $7.14. As an engineer, I feel a professional responsibility to make things easy for people. Clerk: ...Carry the three. 
19930321	Dogbert: Have you ever noticed how crabby people always get what they want? It defies all reason. Society should punish the crabby, but instead they get rewarded. So why fight it? I've decided to try the power of crabdom myself. Dilbert: I'm working. Could we talk later? Dogbert: Later?! Later?! Is my time worthless to you? What about MY needs? We'll talk NOW or we won't ever talk again!! Dilbert: Okay, okay! Let's talk. Or were you just testing the power of crabdom? Dogbert: Now you will dance for me. 
19930322	Boss: Your engineering knowledge is good, but I can't promote you to "prima donna." ...Unless you demonstrate a few more serious personality disorders. Dilbert: I can mumble. Boss: Sure, but can you do it with disdain for all of humanity? 
19930327	Dogbert: Looks easy enough. Book: Hypnosis for world conquest. Ratbert: Hi, Dogbert! What are you reading? Dogbert: Nothing. You will remember nothing. Ratbert: Who am I? Where am I? Dogbert: That was a little bit like sandblasting a soup cracker. 
19930328	Dilbert: Do you have a minute? Boss: Uh-oh, it's touchy-feely stuff. Dilbert: What's going to happen to our department? The rumors are flying. Boss: What have you heard? Dilbert: Rumor has it that flying lizards from the planet Zorb will buy the company. They plan to turn the employees into giant corn dogs on sticks. Boss: Don't worry about rumors. It's business as usual for now. Dilbert: Gulp* Boss: I think I handled that pretty well. Dilbert: Are you sure this will impress the Zorbians? Wally: I hear they like team players. 
19930403	Dogbert: This is Dogbert, master of Earth, with a message to all creatures... I realized that you are all unworthy of having me as your king. I am retiring to go sit on a soft pillow. Sign: Dogbert. Dogbert: No matter what I do, it always feels better when I stop doing it. 
19930407	Ratbert: I was wondering if we're a dysfunctional family. Dilbert: You're not a family member. You're a rat who won't go away. Ratbert: Suddenly I have the urge to rob a convenience store. 
19930409	Dilbert: I have to give a speech to the "society of engineers" today...I'm a bit nervous. Dogbert: Sometimes you can relax by imagining the audience is naked. Whoa! Cancel that. I just pictured four hundred naked engineers. Dilbert: Too late. 
19930410	Dilbert: ...As you approached the speed of light you would become infinitely dense. Dogbert: Then would you be forced to take a job as a high school gym teacher? Dilbert: The book changes subjects at this point. Dogbert: Sounds like a cover-up. 
19930411	Caption: A small band of the creatures were known to live high in an artificial structure. On my way to study them I took note of the native vegetation. Dogbert: Rented. Caption: The younger males were at play. They became self-conscious when watched. The dominant male had a gray back. He controlled the others by waving little envelopes. There were few females in the group. The less dominant males had no chance of mating. Unlike other species they had no instinct for grooming. Man: Want to groom? Wally: Drop dead. Caption: My time was up. But I will miss them, those... Engineers in the mist. Wally: How long are you supposed to microwave popcorn? 
19930412	Wally: Don't get too close -- I found out that my baldness is caused by too much testosterone. Now with my hair gone I'm afraid the testosterone will start flinging out of my pores. Ted: Hey! You got some on my shirt! Wally: Do you have a problem with that? 
19930413	Wally: Being bald isn't so bad. With all this testosterone, men will fear me and women will desire me. Take a hike, Fuzzy. She's mine now. Woman: I do find you strangely attractive. Wally: Testosterone; You're helpless. 
19930414	Dilbert: Gee, Wally. You sure have been popular with women since the testosterone started spewing from your head. Wally: It's amazing...I even bought a pickup truck and a rifle so I can hunt after work. Dilbert: What do you hunt around here? Wally: Pigeons are the most convenient...Don't even have to get out of the truck. 
19930415	Wally: Maybe it's because of my high testosterone levels, but I couldn't resist getting my pickup jacked up. I thought it would be more frightening to the people I tailgate. The only problem is that you can't let people see you trying to get in it. 
19930416	Wally: Life has been great since the testosterone started spewing from my head. Dilbert: It looks like the flow is stopping. Woman: Wait-a-minute. Why was I touching you? Wally: I hope you won't be shallow about this. 
19930417	Dilbert: ...And people who don't bother to vote have no right to complain. Dogbert: Why not? Dilbert: Why not? It's obvious. No vote means no right to complain. You can't get much more logical that that. Besides, that's how I was raised. Dogbert: You were raised by bumper stickers? 
19930418	Woman: Thanks for asking me to dinner, Dilbert. Dilbert: It's my pleas... Woman: I love eating out. What kind of tablecloth is this? I saw a movie last month. Dilbert: Uh-oh...She's a serial yakker. Woman: Yak yak yak blah blah yak yak blah yak. Dilbert: She changes topics without even pausing to breathe. Woman: Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak. Dilbert: It's too hard to listen. I'm slipping into a coma. Woman: Yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak yak. Waiter: Is there some problem? Dilbert: R-u-u-u-n! Save yourself! Woman: Yak yak blah blah yak yak yak yak blah blah. Waiter: Serial yakker! Help me. Dilbert: Shhh! I'm trying to play dead. 
19930419	Boss: The local school wants somebody to talk to the kids about a career as an engineer. I'm giving you this plum assignment to you because you're such a good role model. Hee hee. Dilbert: It's more sincere sounding when you don't giggle. Boss: Remember, children are our future! 
19930420	Teacher: Dilbert has agreed to talk to the class about exciting careers in the field of engineering! Dilbert: There's more to being an engineer than just writing technical memos that nobody reads. Once in a while, somebody reads one. Then you have to find a scapegoat, or use some vacation time and hope it all blows over. 
19930421	Dilbert talks to a class about career options.  Dilbert: Engineering is one of the best careers available.  For the next twent years I'll sit in a big box called a cubicle.  It's like a restroom stall but with lower walls.  Dilbert: I'll spend most of my time hoping the electromagnetic fields from my office equipment aren't killing me. 
19930422	Dilbert talks to a class about career options.  Dilbert: And don't forget the social life that comes with being an engineer.  Ninety percent of all engineers are guys, so it's a bonanza of dating opportunities for the ladies who enter the field.  For the men, there are these little video game devices.  Little Video game:  BEEP BEEP  Female student:  Would I be allowed to date a non engineer? 
19930423	Dilbert talks to a class about career options.  Dilbert: The goal of every engineer is to retire without getting blamed for a major catastrophe.  Engineers prefer to work as "consultants" on project teams.  That way there's no real work, blame is spread accross the group, and you can crush any idea from marketing!  ...And sometimes you get free donuts just for showing up!  Teacher: Get out of my classroom.
19930424	Dilbert: Look what I got for my computer! It's a romostatic real-time data compression processor! Oooh...I can't wait to plug you in, my little darling. I've waited so long. Oh yes! Yes! Dogbert: Does the church know about this? 
19930425	Dilbert: Government statistics show that office productivity went DOWN as computers became widely used. But I didn't believe it. So I wrote a little software program to test that conclusion. It only took a month, but it produced some impressive data. In fact, it was so impressive it took a week to figure out how to print it. But before I could print, my computer crashed and I didn't have backup copies. So, it seems the government was right; Computers are to blame for the decline in productivity. Boss: Do you think the employees could be partly responsible? Dilbert: Sure, find a scapegoat. 
19930426	Dilbert: I need to work on something big so I can justify my existence here. But not something important, because that would draw attention to me at a time of staff cuts. What can I do that costs a lot but nobody wants? Boss: "Empowerment" sure made them quiet. 
19930427	Dilbert: For only twenty-five thousand dollars I've eliminated many tedious and time-consuming processes. Boss: What would be an example of one of those tedious and time-consuming processes? Dilbert: Well, there was the process of sitting around and wishing I had more computer stuff... Boss: Next time don't ask. 
19930428	Reporter: After that tragic story we have an even more tragic update on a previously reported tragedy, then... We'll update you about people who got killed by the weather. And in sports we profile the injury of the week. And in local news, not much was happening, so we drove the news van around until we hit a pedestrian. 
19930429	Dogbert: I'm going to start-up a television news network that only reports happy stories. In sports, fifty percent of the teams won their games yesterday. And all the players are millionaires - most of whom have no serious drug problems. Our person of the week is Darryl, who, despite his tiny brain, found success through a life of crime. 
19930430	Caption: Dogbert's good news show. Dogbert: Nine out of ten people have jobs...Three billion people had a nice day today...And the forest has plenty of owls. Caption: Regular news show. Newsman: A Huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Newswoman: We'll all die!! Caption: Back to Dogbert... Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off of your television screen. (Click.) 
19930501	Dilbert: ...Then I said "What about an optical disk file server." Woman: So boring, falling asleep... (WHUMP.) Dilbert: I don't know how she died. I was telling her about an optical... Policeman: Zzzzzz. 
19930509	Boss: Did you know that twenty percent of all microfleems are subradiante? Dilbert: Uh-oh. The boss has latched onto some obscure engineering fact. This is going to be painful. Boss: Just think of the implications. It means eighty percent of microfleems are NOT subradiante. Dilbert: Maybe I can hide under the desk until this blows over. Boss: Don't you think it's fascinating? I mean, what with the implications and all... Dilbert: Okay, okay. I acknowledge your incredible grasp of technology issues. Boss: It almost makes me curious what a microfleem is. 
19930510	Boss: Dilbert, I want you to help Susan put the department budget together. Dilbert: Budget?! No, please! I'll be branded for life. The other engineers will spit on me. Boss: Darn, his guard is up. Dilbert: I'll have to wear a raincoat to work! 
19930511	Caption: Dilbert is assigned to prepare the budget. Susan: You'll have to learn our budget system. It was developed 400 years ago by a crazed monk who sealed himself in a wine cask. Unfortunately, we still have him. Monk: Hey, I've got another idea. 
19930515	Athlete: I never learned to read, but it didn't matter because I was a great athlete. Then came the multi-million dollar contract, which I spent on drugs. Eventually I was banned from sports. I quit drugs because I couldn't afford it. Now I'm a motivational speaker. Dogbert: Have you motivated anybody to become illiterate yet? 
19930519	Dilbert: Believe it or not, this is the first time I've ever dated a two-headed telepath. You might pick up a strange thought or two, but believe me, these are normal thoughts for a guy. Well, maybe not that last one... 
19930520	Date: You're wondering how to handle the good night kiss... By a vote of two to zero, we've decided not to kiss you. And Debbie has threatened a filibuster on the handshake issue. Dilbert: It's a bluff. Date: Nice weather today. Have you seen any good movies? How about the economy, huh? 
19930521	Caption: Company headquarters. Executive1: Does anybody have a plan for getting rid of the employees? Executive2: Well, they're bad at math; We could offer deceptively small sums of money to people who retire. Dilbert: Hey, this could be good. Wally: It's been a long time since I had to calculate the cosine of anything. 
19930522	Boss: Good report...But add a sentence that says micro-robotics is a dead-end technology. Dilbert: But that's the exact opposite of my point! If I add that, the whole report would be a confusing and senseless waste of time! Boss: That's okay. We just won't let anybody else see it. Dilbert: Is this a win-win scenario? 
19930523	Sign: Bank of Ethel. Ethel: Next victim. Dilbert: You charged me a fee for paying my credit card bill a day late. Ethel: So? Dilbert: Why don't your computers automatically transfer money from my checking account instead of charging a penalty? Ethel: Frankly, we're not much into the "customer service" craze. We prefer to set little traps so customers get hit with unexpected penalties. Dilbert: Well!! I think I'll just take my business elsewhere! Ethel: You're annoying me. That's a hundred dollar penalty! Dilbert: I don't think I can even claim a moral victory here. 
19930524	Pointy haired boss: Hey, what are you doing? Are you sleeping? Wally: Zzzzz Wally: Uh... no, I was brainstorming. Pointy haired boss: What idea did you come up with? Wally: It involves Irene in accounting. She's the stern nurse and I'm the incorrigible industrialist. Pointy haired boss: I already thought of that one. 
19930525	Wally:  My productivity is shot. I can't stop daydreaming about Irene in accounting. Ted: Do what I did. Try to phase out of it by daydreaming of Laura in engineering, then move to the ordinary-looking Betty in marketing. Wally: Now I'm daydreaming about all three of them. Ted: Same thing happened to me. 
19930526	Pointy haired boss: I understand that you men are spending three-quarters of your time daydreaming about attractive women. Pointy haired boss: Do you realize how much time is being wasted here? Dilbert: Twenty-five percent? Wally: It's a trick question. Ted (thinking): {Irene} 
19930527	Unnamed woman: My "defantalator" invention can eliminate the unproductive and naughty thoughts of your male employees. Unnamed woman: We succeeded in getting men to stop *acting* like men, but it wasn't enough. Men must stop *thinking* like men too. Unnamed woman: Hey! Cut it out! Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Hmm... A little makeup and a new hairdo...} 
19930528	Unnamed woman (thinking): There's another unproductive man, daydreaming about attractive women. Unnamed woman (thinking): A short blast from my "defantalator" should set him straight. Defantalator: WUSSS Ted: Hey! I think I'm starting to like figure skating! 
19930529	Woman: Our school system is a complete failure, Dogbert. Dogbert: Why's that? Woman: The schools should be preparing these kids to be scientists and engineers. That's the only way our economy will prosper. Instead, we'll be a nation of maids and janitors. Dogbert: Yeah, but think how clean it will be. 
19930531	Noriko: I can't wait to grow up and get out of school. Dogbert: Actually, Noriko, your generation will have to take classes and work full-time your whole lives...assuming any jobs exist. But on the plus side, television will have a thousand channels. Noriko: THAT'S IT; SOMEBODY'S GOT SOME EXPLAINING TO DO! 
19930601	Noriko: Who the heck is running this planet??! It's a total disaster!! The environment is a mess! Crime and poverty everywhere!! Who's responsible?!! Dogbert: Adults, like him. Dilbert: Hi, Noriko. Is something wrong? Noriko: Duhhh! 
19930602	Noriko: You adults have totally messed up the planet!! Where's the accountability??! You know our implied social contract! You take care of the kids, then we take care of you when you're old. That's how it's supposed to work. Dilbert: Well, I... Noriko: The deal is OFF!! 
19930603	Noriko: You adults are ruining the planet for my generation. We kids have no power now, but I'm taking names. When we take power we'll ship you all to a penal colony on Mars. Dilbert: There's no oxygen on Mars. Noriko: Oh, NOW you learn to plan ahead. 
19930604	Dogbert: Noriko, I'd like you to meet Bob the dinosaur. Noriko: Hi. Bob: Hi. Noriko: I thought dinosaurs were all extinct. Dogbert: No, they were just hiding. We found Bob behind the couch. Noriko: I wish we had one at our house. Bob: Look in the credenza. The Belmonts live in the "Krazy Glue" drawer. 
19930605	Dogbert: Take Bob with you, Noriko. You'll need help saving the planet for your generation. Noriko: I have a black belt in karate. What skills do you bring to the party? Bob: Wedgies, mostly. It's not as menacing as karate, but you have to love the expressions on their faces. Noriko: Turn him this way. 
19930607	Noriko: Stop right there, mister adult! You've got some explaining to do to my generation! Boss: It's quite simple, really. Children have no political power. So we adults can plunder the planet, run up huge debts, then die fat and happy! Noriko: I've never seen anybody lifted by his briefs and spun in the air like that. Bob: That's my "twirling wedgie." 
19930608	Message: This is Dogbert, with a broadcast e-mail message to all computer geeks... I declare myself to be your leader. And I name my empire the "virtual electronic nation of Dogbert," Venod for short. Dilbert: I assume you'll be exploiting the simple people of Venod for personal gain. Dogbert: Yeah, it's a leadership tradition. 
19930609	Dilbert: Now that you've united the electronic mail users of the world, what are you going to do? Dogbert: I'll poll them about their needs, then use their collective political and economic power to get them whatever the majority wants. Dilbert: Couldn't you easily rig the vote to support your own selfish ambitions? Dogbert: I love the democratic system. 
19930610	Dogbert: I am Dogbert, leader of Venod - a huge collective of nerds. We demand twenty percent discounts on all of your products. If you refuse, I will send a wireless e-mail message that instructs one million nerds to stop buying your products. Vendor: You're kidding, right? Dogbert: There - I just sent them your daughter's phone number. 
19930611	Aren't you afraid that if you continue as leader of the nerds, you will become a nerd yourself. No, because you can't become a nerd unless you have a genetic predisposition toward it. Look! I added an emergency backup pocket! See? You can't learn that stuff in computer class.
19930612	Ratbert: Aren't you afraid that if you continue as leader of the nerds, you will become a nerd yourself? Dogbert: No, because you can't become a nerd unless you have a genetic predisposition toward it. Dilbert: Look! I added an emergency backup pocket! Dogbert: See? You can't learn that stuff in computer class. 
19930614	Boss: I took a crack at writing a "mission statement" for our group. "We enhance stockholder value through strategic business initiatives by empowered employees working in new team paradigms." Dilbert: Do you ever just marvel at the fact we get paid to do this? Boss: Did anybody bring donuts? 
19930615	Boss: I got a brochure for "Dogbert's seminar on management zombies." I think you should go. Dilbert: "Learn how to use words like: utilize, paradigm, vertical, empowerment, and proactive in every sentence." I'm not sure I want to talk like that. Boss: Come...Join us...Don't be afraid... 
19930616	Dogbert: Many of you come to my management seminar as optimistic, creative, clear-speaking individuals. But with hard work, you can become jargon-spewing corporate zombies, like Carl here. Carl: I want to dialogue with you about utilizing resources. Dogbert: Good boy! Here's a donut. 
19930617	Caption: Dogbert's seminar on management zombies. Dogbert: The successful zombie knows how to squash the creativity of co-workers. When you hear a new idea, adopt a facial expression which conveys both fear and an utter lack of comprehension. Those of you who work in marketing only need to add the fear part. Manager: Why is that? 
19930618	Caption: Dogbert's seminar on management zombies. Dogbert: To be a zombie you must drink the zombie elixir. The zombie elixir will remove any distracting thoughts of sleep or family life. Manager: It looks like coffee. Dogbert: You have to add one scoop of zombie sugar. 
19930619	Caption: Dogbert's seminar on management zombies. Dogbert: As a zombie, you must speak in empty generalities. Your business plan might say "We strive to utilize a variety of techniques to accomplish a broad spectrum of results toward the bottom line." Trainee 1: Hey! My skin is getting clammy and I have the urge to call a meeting! Trainee 2: Me too! Dogbert: Good...Good... 
19930625	Alice: I am Alice the compulsive grabber. When I see things that are not right I must grab them. Dilbert: In an hour or so I may have to ask you to stop that. 
19930626	(Squeeze squeeze squeeze.) Alice: In retrospect, that was exactly the kind of temptation I should just ignore. 
19930628	Dilbert: My patent application is complete. Soon the other engineers will come sniffing around. They are attracted by the scent of success. They want their names on my patent. Wally: The scent CAN'T be coming from here. Ted: We may be getting a false positive from his baloney sandwich. 
19930629	Boss: Add my name to your patent application to acknowledge my contribution. Dilbert: What contribution? You said it was a stupid idea by a stupid employee. You ordered me to stop working on it. Boss: Devil's advocate! Dilbert: You also said I was ugly. 
19930630	Alice: Dilbert, would you add my name to your patent application? Dilbert: Why should I? Alice: I would consider upgrading you status from "co-worker" to "friend I never see outside of work." Dilbert: Would we eat lunch together? Alice: No, but I'll pencil you in and cancel at the last minute. 
19930701	Dilbert: My patent will make fifty million dollars for the company, so I thought maybe you could afford to give me a raise. Boss: Unfortunately, the profit bucket is not connected to the budget bucket, so there's no money for a raise. Dilbert: I think some recognition of a job well-done is appropriate here. Boss: Thanks. It WAS one of my better excuses. 
19930703	Dilbert: Please excuse the artwork in this next diagram. Audience: What's that? It looks like Elvis' face on a credenza! Ha ha ha! Or is it a Rorschach test??! HA HA HA!! Dilbert: And in conclusion, I hate you all. 
19930705	Boss: Let's start with a brainstorming exercise...Alice, you go first. Alice: I imagine myself not surrounded by dull, unattractive and largely clueless men. Dilbert: I think she just insulted you guys. Alice: Mmmm... 
19930709	Dilbert: What are you making? Dogbert: Commemorative collectible plates. One of the mysteries of life is that you can put any picture on a plate and hordes of morons will want to own it. Dilbert: Wow! An acorn! And it's on a plate! Dogbert: What's it like to be a member of a horde? 
19930710	Dogbert: You already own the "acorn series" of Dogbert's commemorative plates... For a limited time you may also purchase my new issue: the "French guy with a hat" series. Dilbert: My acorn plates are missing. Dogbert: Tomorrow I'll introduce my new series: "Russian with French hat." 
19930712	Dogbert: I thought of another way to profit from the ignorance of humans. I wrote "the Dogbert formula for health." I recommend a daily dose of food, sleep and exercise. And for only $19.95 you can buy the patented "Dogbert Joggerobic carpet patch" to help you run in place. 
19930713	Dogbert: Are you tired of fad diets and fad exercise devices? Ratbert: Yes I am! Dogbert: Then buy my book and get the revolutionary Joggerobic carpet patch for only $19.95 plus shipping and handling. To prove it works, we photographed an actual athlete. Ratbert: Pictures don't lie! 
19930714	Dilbert: It looks like sales of the "Dogbert Joggerobic Carpet Patch" are brisk. Dogbert: Yeah, and I'm looking to expand. Dogbert: Ratbert is busy researching new product concepts for the carpet patch. Ratbert: "Carpet Club For Men"
19930715	Ratbert: I think I've hit upon a brilliant new direction for expanding our product line. Ratbert: I call them "Carpet Patch Kids." Each one is made from carpet and has its own name! Ratbert: Don't feel bad, Raquel. I don't think he meant it as a personal attack.
19930716	Pointy haired boss: Our newest fad policy is to have subordinates appraise their boss's job performance. Dilbert: I give you a "D Minus." Pointy haired boss: Did I mention retribution? Dilbert: Careful, Sir, you're hanging by a thread.
19930717	Ratbert: Sometimes I think I'm not reaching my full potential as a rat. Dilbert: You're right. In the middle ages, disease-carrying rats wiped out half of the human population of Europe. Ratbert: I think I've got a little temperature. Feel my forehead. Dilbert: Face it, your glory days are past.
19930718	Pointy haired boss: The award for best attendance goes to Dilbert. Dilbert: I'd like to thank the people who made this possible. Dilbert: First, I'd like to thank the women in the company who have rejected me over the years... Dilbert: Because of them I have no germriddled children to infect me. Dilbert: And thanks to my co-workers for never telling me about important meetings, thus keeping my germ exposure to a minimum. Dilbert: And thanks to my boss for never assigning a project important enough to induce stress and weaken my immune system. Dilbert: But what makes this award special is that each of you had to get sick in order for me to win. Dilbert: When you have your health, you have everything, Dogbert. Dogbert: No, you also have to gloat.
19930719	Pointy haired boss: Your new project will have no budget and no management support. Expect to spend most of your time giving status reports. Employee: Oh no! The life force has been drained out of me! I'm becoming a damp rag!!! Dilbert: That's amazing. Pointy haired boss: It's nothing. I did eighteen at once at the employee empowerment brunch.
19930720	Dogbert: I'll be representing you corporate employees in a class action suit. Your company has sucked the life force out of you and turned you into little rags. Dogbert: My fee will be on a contingency basis. That means I get the entire settlement plus I'll use you to wax my BMW. Dogbert: I've found the perfect clients. Little rags: Sounds Fair. Little rags: Don't make waves.
19930721	Dogbert: I'm from the law firm of Dogbert, Dogbert and Dogbert. I'm suing you for draining the life force out of your employees. Dogbert: After being drained of life, employees are forced to leave the company. The lucky ones get jobs as rags for a car wash, like Joey Pishkin here. Pointy haired boss: Honk Honk Dogbert: What Joey? That's Marge from accounting??? 
19930722	Lawyer: If you do not drop your class action suit, then you'll have to face me in court. Lawyer: And I've never lost a case. Dogbert: Then how do you know you wouldn't enjoy it. Lawyer: Well... I just wouldn't. Dogbert: Good argument.
19930723	Dogbert: For my first witness, I call the defendant's attorney. Dogbert: Is it true that you're wearing women's lingerie right now. Attorney: No! Judge: Is this relevant to your case? Dogbert: I wonder why YOU're so touchy about this subject.
19930724	Dogbert: Before you decide who wins this civil suit, remember this... Dogbert: I can't legally offer you large cash kickbacks for deciding in my favor. But please take a moment to complete a self-addressed stamped envelope. Judge: What are you doing? Dogbert: I'm trying to establish "reasonable doubt."
19930725	Boss: All you know our president, Mr. Goodenrich. He's here to answer any questions you have. Alice: Why aren't there any women or minorities in senior management positions? Goodenrich: We think women are for making babies. As for minorities, we fear them. Wally: How can you justify your ten million dollar salary when profits are down? Goodenrich: Ha ha! The board of directors are friends of mine and it's not their money they're spending. Dilbert: Why does the company keep talking about employee training while at the same time slashing the training budget? Goodenrich: We think you're too dumb to train. We'll hire people from the outside if we need talent. Wally: I must say, your honesty is kind of refreshing. Goodenrich: And you're all fired for asking questions. 
19930726	Juror: The jury has reached a decision in the case of "Dogbert vs. a big corporation." We award Dogbert fifty million dollars because we hate big companies and we like little dogs with glasses. Judge: I hate my life. Juror: And we award a Maytag dryer to juror Mindy for being "best dressed." 
19930727	Dogbert: Does it bother you that I won fifty million dollars in my lawsuit, whereas you still toil to remain middle class? Does it bother you to know that I could buy you and sell you...how many times? Assistant: 834 times. Dogbert: Hey, it's gone up since lunch! 
19930728	Dilbert: ...So I thought you might use some of your newly won millions to fund my "Bioworld" science experiment. It's a complete ecology enclosed in an airtight dome. The survival of the volunteers would depend on my foresight and engineering skills. Gee, I though it would be harder to talk you into it. Dogbert: I get to pick the volunteers myself. 
19930729	Dilbert: I've completed the design for Bioworld. Have you selected the volunteers? Dogbert: Yes. Sign: Bioworld. Dilbert: So...These are the brave people whose lives will depend on my ability to engineer a balanced ecology. Seven car salesmen plus Ratbert... Dogbert: Coincidence. 
19930730	Dilbert: The Bioworld dome is now sealed. You must live off its resources for two years. The edible plants were delivered just before the dome was sealed. They are the key to your survival. Deliverer: Can somebody open the delivery door? I've got some plants outside. 
19930731	Memo: "Day one of the Bioworld experiment is off to a rocky start." "The volunteers have no edible plants and the oxygen level is dropping." Signs: Help. Let us out. Memo: Fortunately, most of the volunteers are ex-car salespeople, so we remain emotionally uninvolved. Dogbert: Look how they spelled "oxygen." 
19930801	Dilbert: Is it the flu? Doctor: Hmm ... Doctor: I had the computer run an economic report on the market value of your organs. Doctor: I could make thousands of dollars by selling your parts for transplants. Doctor: Of course, this is all moot unless you die in my office while under my care. Doctor: But if I let you die from the flu then my malpractice insurance will go up again. Doctor: But if you live I can continue to bill you for unnecessary tests. Doctor: There's a slight economic advantage to keeping you alive ... if you leave three pints of blood and do me a little favor. Dilbert: Then I had to wax his jeep with my clothes. Dogbert: Apparently he didn't know what kind of fabrics you wear.
19930802	Memo: With oxygen and food nearly depleted, the Bioworld volunteers become philosophical. Ratbert: Some of the volunteers think that because they're car salespeople you don't value their lives... Dogbert: If that were true, how can you explain that we put you in there too? Ratbert: That's what I said, but it didn't seem to cheer them up. 
19930803	Spokesman: Please...End the Bioworld experiment. We're out of food. Air is almost gone. We pray there was no sadistic intent when you chose only car salespeople for the experiment...Please...At least let some air in... Dogbert: Gee, I really want to help. I'll go try to convince my boss to see it your way. Salesman: Hey! I'M a "Saturn" dealer -- I'm different! 
19930804	Ratbert: It used to bother me that the air was getting polluted and unbreathable. Paper: News. Ratbert: But I realized that rats are hardier than humans -- so we'll get all your stuff after you wheeze your last breath! Dilbert: I think I'll go for a walk. Ratbert: Hey! Why not drive? 
19930805	Ratbert: You know, seriously as a rat I'm far more likely to survive a major environmental calamity. Ratbert: And there's no shortage of potential disasters - you've got global warming, ozone depletion, air pollution ... Ratbert: Can I try one of your shirts?
19930806	Ratbert: I'd miss you if the human race died from pollution but rats lived on. Ratbert: So I'm dedicating my life to learning the science of preserving human-kind. Ratbert: Pickling. Dilbert: Conservation?
19930807	Dilbert: This show is garbage. I will eschew it. Remote control: Click. Dogbert: That explains your breath. Dilbert: You're in your own little world, aren't you?
19930809	Boss: I've got to cut staff in engineering. I'm trying to determine which one of you is more valuable to keep. I've been hearing good things about Zimbu the monkey. Which one of you is Zimbu the monkey? Dilbert: This is not the proudest moment of my professional career. 
19930810	Boss: It's going to be tough deciding which of you to lay off. I want to keep the employee who projects the most professional image. Dilbert: This should make him look pretty stupid. 
19930811	Boss: I can't decide which one of you to lay off, so I've decided to have a contest. The first event is the "staple chase." Round one: Zimbu. Dilbert: I think I winged him. 
19930812	Caption: Dilbert and Zimbu compete for one job. Boss: This next event tests your humor and creativity. The objective is to see how much fun you can have in the barrel. Who wants to go first? Dilbert: This is no fair. Zimbu is a monkey. He has an advantage. Boss: Actually, this is a test of your gullibility. 
19930813	Boss: After comparing the two of you, I've decided to keep Dilbert for the last engineering job. Dilbert: YES! I WIN, YOU LITTLE BANANA-EATING-FLEA-HOTEL! HA HA HA HA!!! Boss: I'm putting Zimbu on the management fast-track. Dilbert: Bas time for the victory jig. 
19930814	Boss: Does anybody have any questions about our plan? Ask me anything -- There are no "stupid" questions. Ted: If you crossed the international date line on your birthday, would you still get presents? Boss: Oh great...There ARE stupid questions and I don't know the answers. 
19930816	Pointy haired boss: I'm told by a reliable source that our senior vice president made a sound like "Yurp" at lunch.  Pointy haired boss: What does it mean? Does it signal a new set of priorities? We must demonstrate our commitment to this vision.  Dilbert: What was the context of this vision?  Pointy haired boss: All we know is he was eating a burrito.
19930817	Dogbert: I am Dogbert the psychic business consultant. I can read minds.  Pointy haired boss: If you can read minds, what's my favorite color?  Dogbert: Your favorite color is puce, but you are mistakenly thinking of a primary color because you don't know what puce is.  Pointy haired boss: Whoa... I just got a shiver.
19930818	Pointy Haired Boss: I want you to read my boss's mind and tell me what he wants my group to work on.  Dogbert (in his Certified Swami hat, see 1989-08-28): Why don't you just ask him?  PHB: Ask him?? I can't do that. His calendar is booked for months. And I never understand what he says anyway.  Swami Dogbert: He thinks you're an idiot, but it's easier to pay you than to fire you.  PHB: Whew! Job security. 
19930819	Swami Dogbert: I'll use my powers to read the minds of your employees and get ideas for improving morale.  Dogbert: Hmm... All they care about is romance, ski trips and "Star Trek".  Pointy haired boss: How about if we give the high performers little key chains with the company logo?  Dogbert: I'm getting a blank from this direction. 
19930820	Dogbert the Psychic Business Consultant  Swami Dogbert: I sense death...  Dogbert: It's coming from here. Yes, he's definitely dead.  Dogbert: You should bury him. He already smells bad.  Wally: I'll bet this isn't heaven.
19930821	Dilbert, thinking: I'll give Albert a male bonding shoulder massage to show I'm a team player.  Hey, Al! Keep up the good work, Buddy! {Albert faints on his keyboard.}  Dilbert, thinking: Oops...That might have been the Vulcan death grip.
19930822	Dilbert: The great thing about being human is that I'm superior to all other animals.  Dogbert: On what do you base that absurd conclusion?  Dilbert: Humans have the ability to kill any other animal. Therefore, we are superior.  Dogbert: You could be slaughtered by chipmunks if they ever decided to gang up.  Dilbert: But they couldn't decide to do that. That's why humans are superior.  Dilbert: Chipmunks waste their days by eating nuts and playing instead of plotting ways to kill other species.  Dogbert: It's futile to argue with you.  Dilbert: Thank you.  Chipmunk {hidden in tree}: I say we kill him. Is anybody with me? 
19930823	Pointy haired boss: I'm sending you to our plant in Elbonia. I want you to teach them "Quality". I selected you because you've been there and you know their language. Dilbert: They speak English.  Pointy haired boss: Oh. Then I guess it's because I hate you.
19930824	Ratbert: I'll go with you on your trip to Elbonia. I can be your bodyguard! Dilbert: It's not a good place for a rat. The mud is quite... Ratbert: You think I'm not tough enough? I'll show you!! Elbonian: And THAT'S your bodyguard? Ratbert's voice, from under the mud: I don't like the tone of your voice.
19930825	Elbonia  Dilbert: I've been sent to teach you "Total Quality Management."  Dilbert: In the old days, quality was just an empty word meaning "good."  {Sign: Quality Equals Good (1950)}  Dilbert: Eventually it evolved into a complicated method for transferring your money to business consultants. 
19930826	Caption: Dilbert teaches Elbonia "total quality" methods. Dilbert: You start by identifying problem areas. Elbonian: Hmm...Sometimes our mittens get stuck to our noses and we can't breathe. (Sniff.) Yorgi! Try to breathe with your mouth! (Mmm! Mmm!) Dilbert: People! Let's talk metrics, please! 
19930827	Caption: Dilbert teaches "quality" management in Elbonia. Dilbert: The fishbone diagram helps identify the root cause of problems. In your case, the root problem seems to be that you're a nation of imbeciles... Elbonian 1: True, but YOU'RE the one who had to draw a dead fish to figure it out. Elbonian 2: You're in the club! Here's your hat. 
19930828	Elbonian 1: Thank you for teaching us "quality" techniques. Manufacturing defects are down fifty percent since we all joined "quality teams." Elbonian 2: Yes! Elbonian 1: How's our productivity, Yorgi? Elbonian 2: Down fifty percent. Dilbert: They're on to me. 
19930829	Pointy haired boss:What we need is more communication between management and...whatever you are. So, once a month I'll have "open door day". You can drop by and whine about anything you want. I'll listen with a concerned expression like this. Then I'll explain why everything is fine just the way it is. Then, morale will improve, profits will skyrocket and mystock options will make me RICH!! Dilbert: May I make some observations about your plan? Uh...forget it. Pointy haired boss: Do you notice how concerned I look?
19930830	Pointy haired boss: This thankless assignment shall go to whoever asks a question or makes eye contact. It's really, really stupid... does anybody want to question it? I think I see Ted's eyes in the mirror. Dilbert: Good one, Alice! Ted: Gasp.
19930831	Dogbert: Do you realize the Government takes half of all the money you make? And the majority of people are too young to vote, or didn't bother to vote, or voted for the loser. ... and nobody alive voted for our constitution. Dilbert: It's never good when you have these insights. Dogbert: I've decided to levy my own tax on people.
19930901	Dogbert: Here are the Dogbert tax forms. Pay promptly or you will be penalized. Dilbert: It's not fair! Dilbert: You can't just levy your own taxes; what makes you think I'll pay? Dogbert: If not, I'll put you in my new prison. Dilbert: You mean, you built a prison with the taxes you've already collected? Dogbert: I think of it as "Infrastructure".
19930902	Ratbert: Listen to me, Bob. Individually, we're nothing but a rat and a dinosaur. But if we team up, we'd have your mighty strength plus my... uh... my... Bob: Brain? Ratbert: No, that doesn't sound right.
19930903	Ratbert: What a team we make, Bob! Now I won't need to act pathetic to get love. I'll get all the spillover love that people naturally have for dinosaurs! Someone: Eww! It's a huge lizard with a talking zit. I'm gonna be sick. Ratbert: Great... I got a defective dinosaur.
19930904	Ratbert: As part of our symbiotic relationship I'll shout a warning when danger approaches. THERE'S A HOLE IN THE OZONE LAYER! CONSUMER CONFIDENCE IS DOWN A POINT! Bob: ANGRY DINOSAUR WITH BIG TAIL! Ratbert: You call that symbiotic??!
19930905	Dogbert: I'm building a permanent file of all the stupid things you say. Dilbert: At least it's only a few pages long. Dogbert: This is just the table of contents. Dogbert: The full database will be compressed on CD ROMs. Dogbert: I hired Juan and his crew to design the system and type in the data. Juan: We're working overtime. Juan: The new computer center is done... We had to level the neighbor's garage. Dilbert: By any chance, are you still upset that I asked you to fetch my slippers? Dogbert: Did you get that one? Juan: I'll need to hire more people. 
19930906	Pointy haired boss: I just love hiring these temporary workers. No employee benefits... no union... just toss 'em in the dumpster when you're done with them! Dilbert: The dumpster seems a bit inappropriate. Pointy haired boss: They're way too big to flush.
19930907	Dilbert: Wow! You temporary contract programmers sure are productive! It must be exciting to know you can be dismissed at any moment. Your survival depends on results! Wally: Let's go blame marketing for not giving us detailed requirements. Dilbert: What's the big rush?
19930908	Co-worker from Marketing: You engineers have done *nothing* on my project. You just keep saying I haven't given you sufficient requirements! Co-worker from Marketing: I don't even know what else you need and you won't tell me what you need!! Is this just your way of avoiding work??! Wally: I'll bet you regret choosing marketing as a career path. Dilbert: It looks like a lot of work. 
19930909	Ratbert: I figured that you would respect me more if I had some sort of talent. Ratbert: So I taught myself to sing Barry Manilow's greatest hits while slapping my head rhythmically. Ratbert {out of frame}: A-a-at the copa {slap} OW! Copa cabana {slap} OW! Dilbert: I'm actually enjoying this and it deeply disturbs me. 
19930910	Dilbert: What are you filming? Dogbert: Ratbert got his own cable TV channel. Dogbert: Now that cable TV has a thousand channels they're desperate for original programs. Male Cable Viewer: Back in the six-hundreds I saw a rat slapping his head to a Barry Manilow tune. His Wife: That's worth a second look. 
19930911	Dilbert {thinking}: The water for my spaghetti should be boiling by now. Ratbert {in pot}: Oops! You caught me. I usually finish hot tubbing before you get back. Dogbert: It raises a big question mark about the capers. Dilbert: Capers? 
19930912	Pointy haired boss: Nervous Ed, I'm assigning you to a special project. Nervous Ed: Special assignment? That means you don't have any real work for me. Nervous Ed: Everybody knows that a special assignment is a kiss of death. Pointy haired boss: You'll be sharing a cubicle with six other employees who are also on special assignment. Nervous Ed {thinking}: Don't panic yet... Maybe it's something important... Maybe it's something that could make an impact. Pointy haired boss: Your assignment is to improve employee empowerment. Dilbert: Thanks for letting us watch. Pointy haired boss: Did you like the part about six in the cubicle? 
19930913	Pointy haired boss: Welcome to the four hour... Pointy haired boss: Meeting from HELL!! Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Dilbert {thinking}: That's rarely a good sign. 
19930914	Pointy haired boss {thinking}: I've seen him before. Dogbert: I'm a "blame consultant." Dogbert: For a large fee I will tell the workers that the problems in the company are *their* fault, not yours. It's the latest management fad. Pointy haired boss: Won't they see right through that? Dogbert: Is that *my* fault??! 
19930915	Dogbert is hired as a blame consultant Dogbert: The company's problems are your fault, Willy. Dogbert: You blame the senior executives, but it is you -- the individual employee -- who must build innovative new products and pioneer new markets. Willy: But I'm just a word processor. I was hired to type. Dogbert: I've seen your typing. That stinks too. 
19930916	Dogbert is hired as a blame consultant Dogbert: The company's woes are *your* fault, not senior management's! Dogbert: Do you realize how much *you* could gain personally by making the company a success? Wally: I would get a nice plaque in a plastic frame. Dogbert: Yeah... I was hoping you didn't know. 
19930917	Dogbert: Here's my consulting report on your company. Dogbert: I had no insights so I bulked it up by adding witty analogies. Pointy haired boss: "His head was like a hollow putty ball attacked by two pointy dustbunnies." Dogbert: Vivid, isn't it? 
19930918	Dogbert: Ratbert, did you know that your brain automatically coordinates millions of activities every second? Dogbert: Imagine if it got just a little bit confused - all those neurons firing randomly... Dogbert: You don't add much to a conversation, but you're easily the best listener I've ever met. Ratbert: AAAEE!
19930919	Pointy haired boss: I just arranged to have my body cryogenically frozen before my death. Pointy haired boss: In a hundred years I'll be revived and cured. That way, future generations will get the benefits of knowing me. Wally: I hope you have a good warm coat. Pointy haired boss: Coat? Nobody said anything about needing a coat. Wally: Obviously you need a coat. It's freezing in that cryogenic chamber. You'd better wear long underwear too. Wally: Don't let them tell you otherwise. Remember, the customer is always right! Pointy haired boss (thinking): I want a space heater in there too! Dilbert: That wasn't nice. Wally: I did it for future generations. 
19930920	Dilbert: I'm adjusting the pointer pen laser light for my presentation tomorrow. I'm boosting the power so it's easier to see. Watch it while I get the phone. Phone: R-r-r-ing. Dogbert: The aliens appear hostile, captain. Set phasers to full power! Light Pen: Zzzzz. 
19930921	Dilbert: I boosted the power on the pointer pen light so it's easier to see on the wall. Dilbert: Look how strong it is now. Pointy Haired Boss: Let me see that. I've got a few things to point out. Alice: Next.  
19930922	Dilbert: Dogbert, do you know how my light pointer pen could have gotten set to maximum power? Dogbert: You never seem to grasp the humor in these situations. It's not as if you caused any permanent damage in the office. Dilbert: Actually, I wasted a temp named Carl in the next office. Dogbert: A temp -- my point exactly.
19930923	Dilbert: I bet I've gone to jail more than the average law-abiding citizen. Dogbert: I plan to defend you by proving your victim was a temp worker. Dilbert: It's legal to kill a temp? Really?? Dogbert: Now all we need is a jury of your "peers".
19930924	Dogbert: Yes, my client did accidentally slay a "temp" worker... emphasis on "temp". But who among us can say they haven't slain innocent people when the situation called for it? Judge: I can. Dogbert: well, great... so much for getting a fair trial.
19930925	Dogbert: Although the insanity defense does not apply to my client, we have something just as good. My client is an "engineer savant". He understands technology but nothing else. As evidence, I submit my client's white socks, complete with the sock protector and auxiliary writing tools.
19930926	Dogbert: I was thinking about how much I enjoy our conversations. They're consistently witty and intellectually stimulating. Then I realized that all of the witty and intellectually stimulating stuff comes from me. Naturally I started wondering what was the point of even having you along. Then I thought about lightning and how it always hits the tallest object. So there IS a slight statistical advantage to having you nearby. CRACK! Dilbert: You aren't going to be witty now, are you? Dogbert: How can you say that? I'm shocked!
19930927	Foreman: We find the defendant innocent by reason of being generally clueless. Dilbert: I know I should be happy, but it's so insulting... what will all of my friends think? ... not that I have any. Dogbert: I call that a win-win scenario.
19930928	Ted: Have I told you recently that I have a lucrative job offer from our competitor? Dilbert: Yes. Ted: The pay is obscene, they wear casual clothes at work, and Wednesday through Friday is free beer and pizza. As the new guy I get to date the masseuse until the company matches me with an attractive co-worker. Dilbert: Sob.
19930929	Ted: Next week I'll be at my new job, reaping huge rewards. Wally: We're so happy for you. Ted: But I'll still have a little cubicle like yours. The only difference being that I'll keep a pony there. That way it's close to my office.
19930930	Dilbert: One of my co-workers got a much better job at another company. I'm feeling quite envious. Dogbert: Instead of feeling sad, you should make a list of all the things you have that he doesn't. Dogbert: So far, you have a birthmark, a fear of spiders and the list itself. Dilbert: I had the birthmark removed.
19931001	Pointy haired boss: I'm awarding you a "recognition fuzzy" to commend you for your good work on the project. Display it proudly on your shirt. It's good for morale. Wally: You have pocket lint on your shirt. Dilbert: Your jealousy is so transparent.
19931002	Dilbert: ... so I knew it was either a layer three protocol error or else it was time to recalibrate the scope. Ha ha! I'll avoid the obvious pun about D-channel packet addressing! Dilbert: I don't think she's done with her knife. Waiter: I know. I lost three engineers this way.
19931003	Bureaucracy. Dilbert: I need to buy an upgrade for my computer. Troll: Rrrr... first, you must write a business case and get five signatures. Get bids from nine vendors. All vendors must be approved by a vote of the vendor approval committee. Purchase order... budget transfer... legal review... accounting classification... inventory... These steps are necessary to prevent employees from doing something uneconomical. Dogbert: ... so you suggested a process "quality audit"? Dilbert: Yeah, that's the one clinging to my buttocks.
19931004	Dogbert: I'M A LOUD DOG! GIVE ME A JOB! YOU MUST OBEY ME BECAUSE I'M LOUD! Pointy haired boss: Okay okay. Dogbert: That was too easy. There must be something wrong with the job. It must be an entry level job... Dogbert: I WANT A RAISE!! PROMOTE ME, YOU IMBECILE!! Pointy haired boss: (Bad trend.) 
19931005	Dogbert: (Ha! My technique of being loud is working. I got a job and a raise in one day. Now I need an office.) Dogbert: HEY! I WANT YOUR OFFICE NOW!! WAIT... I MIGHT BE ABLE TO USE THE FRAME FOR SOMETHING!!
19931006	Dogbert: I've shouted my way into a job and a corner office. Now I need an empire. Nameplate: Dogbert. Dogbert: I'll start a task force around some hot buzzwords. Later I'll convert the people into my own division. Dilbert: Hey, there's a "palmtop personal multimedia" task force being formed! Wally: That one's gonna fill up quick. 
19931007	Dogbert: Thank you all for volunteering for my task force on "palmtop personal multimedia". I'm sure that you all have a common vision about this project... specifically, you think it will look good on your resumes while being too futuristic to generate any real work. Wally: (Mother lode.)
19931008	Dogbert: Your entire staff volunteered to work on my task force. Now I want them and their budgets transferred to me. Pointy haired boss: Why would I agree to that? Dogbert: If you don't, I'll tell everybody you're not a team player... sign here. Pointy haired boss: So... now I'm on the team, right? Dogbert: Yeah... the losing team... all by yourself.
19931009	Dogbert meets the company president. President: You've made quite a name for yourself in the week you've worked here. Dogbert: It was easy to grab power, once I realized the other executives were just imbeciles with good hair. President: I hope you don't think that of ME. Dogbert: No, that looks like a toupee from here.
19931010	Chuck: Hey! Dilbert! Is that your nerdmobile? Ha Ha Ha!! Dilbert (thinking): {It's my old high school nemesis, Chuck.} Chuck: Maybe you'd like to race me in my Corvette. Ha ha! Dilbert: Actually, Chuck, if you had taken a science class you'd know this is a "Seebeck effect" power plant capable of 600 miles per hour. Dilbert: Any idiot knows you can get massive power simply by using the sun to heat the junction of two dissimilar wires joined at both ends. Dilbert: Apparently I'm faster *and* smarter than you. And these tax forms show that I also earn more than you. Chuck: Here's a picture of my new girlfriend. She teaches aerobics. Dilbert: He's winning. Help me out here, Dogbert. Dogbert: Step aside. Dogbert: I notice your girlfriend has unusually large hands and a very pronounced Adam's Apple. Chuck: So? 
19931011	Dogbert: Thank you all for coming to this emergency board meeting. Dogbert: As you know, all promotions to senior management are based on hair. I think we all agree this is the best system. Dogbert: But have you noticed that I have a rich, lustrous coat, whereas our current president gets a little outside help? 
19931012	Chairman: The motion is approved. Dogbert is our new company president because he has the best hair. Dogbert: ... bulldoze the employee cafeteria and put in my helicopter pad ... and I need a few office improvements... Dogbert: We need a trap door here, but it won't be funny unless you can give me some "flushing" sounds. 
19931013	Employee: ... our pay is too low, and there's no clear leadership. And we want parking spaces... FLUSH Dogbert (thinking): {All things considered, I think I enjoy them more when they're disgruntled.} 
19931014	Dogbert: What?? The presidents of other companies make way more money than I do!! Dogbert: I'd better make some short-sighted spending cuts. That should raise our stock price and make my stock options worth millions. Pointy haired boss: ... all business trips are one-way from now on... and you're all required to take a trip this afternoon. 
19931015	Dogbert: I saved the company a fortune by sending the headquarters staff on one-way business trips. Dogbert: They haven't wasted money on any stupid projects all day... Now I can leak my strategy to the media and exercise my stock options at the uptick. Somewhere in Iowa Dilbert: Uh... I'm here for a meeting. Housewife (with shotgun): Did anybody see you? 
19931016	Ratbert:  Why did you quit your job as company president? Dogbert: I made a fortune on my stock options and retirement payout. Dogbert: I'm going to turn my attention to philanthropy. Ratbert: Is that the study of people named Phil? Dogbert: It's mostly about watching people beg and having buildings named after me. 
19931017	Dilbert: I didn't work up to my full potential today. Dilbert: Naturally, I'll be refunding a portion of my salary to the company. Pointy haired boss: Um... We don't really have a process for that. Dilbert: What? That's almost like saying it's okay to work below my potential. Dilbert: HEY GUYS! YOU WERE RIGHT! THE PAY'S THE SAME WHETHER YOU TRY OR NOT! Wally: That's great! I didn't do squat today! Ted: I played "Tetris." Dilbert: Thanks for the clarification. Wally: It's a big time-saver. Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Hey, I actually got paid for that!} 
19931018	Pointy haired boss: I just realized I can double your workload and there's nothing you can do about it. Pointy haired boss: You're lucky to have jobs in this economy! You'll gladly sacrifice your personal lives for no extra pay! Dilbert: But at least our hard work will lead to promotion opportunities. Pointy haired boss: You're so cute. I wish I had a camera right now.
19931019	Pointy haired boss: Alice, it has come to my attention that you are spending time with your family at night. Pointy haired boss: That's time that could be used productively to do work for no extra pay. Alice: Do *you* have a family? Pointy haired boss: Hmm... That would explain the people in my house... 
19931020	Alice: I can't keep working these long hours... I deserve a family life. Pointy haired boss: Alice, Alice, Alice... Pointy haired boss: This isn't the "me" generation of the eighties. This is the "Lifeless Nineties." I expect 178 hours of work from you each week. Alice: There are only... uh, 168 hours in a week. Pointy haired boss: I expect your family to chip in a few hours. 
19931021	Alice: I'm working too many hours... I never spend time with my family. Pointy haired boss: The company cares. That's why we've developed a program to teach you how to cope. Alice (thinking): {"Celibacy and adoption -- the choice for the nineties."} 
19931022	Dogbert: YOU FOOL! YOU ARE NOTHING COMPARED TO ME! HA HA HA HA HA!! Dilbert: Have you been speed-reading my self-help books again? Dogbert: The idiots should put warning labels on those things. 
19931023	Wally: Hee hee! How many blondes does it take to change a tire? Dilbert: One? Wally: No, thirty-seven to lift the car and one to pin the diaper on the tire!! Ha! Ha! Dilbert: Couldn't they just use the jack? Wally: I wondered about that too. 
19931024	Night watchman: Have a nice night, Dilbert. Night watchman: You can rest easy knowing I'll be guarding the building all night. Night watchman: To a criminal, this place must look like a big ol' shopping mall. Night watchman: The cubicles are like little stores, each with its own selection of quality merchandise. Night watchman: If you know where to look, you could get picture frames, postage stamps, clocks, and even footwear. Dilbert: Oddly enough, you and the janitor are the only ones here at night, and yet my snack drawer keeps getting emptied. Night watchman: It's totally inexplicable. Well, good night. Janitor: Shall we head over to "Chez Dilbert"? Night watchman: Later... there's a sale at "Wally's Shoe World." 
19931025	Dilbert: Here's my time report, in fifteen minute increments. Dilbert: And here's my monthly project status, my budget forecast, my key accomplishments, my Jeopardy list... Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Never has so little been measured so much.} 
19931026	Pointy haired boss: I need to identify any unnecessary and unproductive employees so I can cut costs. Pointy haired boss: Does anybody have spare time to join my task force on productivity? Pointy haired boss: Good, good... Anybody else? 
19931027	Ratbert: I can't remember if I'm left-handed or right-handed. Ratbert: I live in fear that I'll be walking in the park, someone will toss me a ball and I'll look... awkward. Someone: Nice catch, rat. Ratbert: Really? It didn't look awkward? 
19931028	Dogbert: Don't feel bad because you're awkward, Ratbert. Dogbert: There are people leading happy lives who are not only awkward but they're also homely and dull! Ratbert: Do I have to learn any computer skills? Dogbert: It seems like a requirement, but it's not. Dilbert: HEY!! 
19931029	Janitor: Hoo-boy! I hope you're not going to show this to anybody. Janitor: Oh, it's obviously a first draft. By now you've run it through the spelling checker. Dilbert: Technologists are concerned with *ideas*, not spelling. Janitor: Well, since you brought it up... 
19931030	Dilbert: I wish you'd realize that you're a garbage man, not an engineer. I don't need your suggestions on my designs. Dilbert: What are you writing? Oh yeah, as if I care. Janitor: If you need help understanding that, the paper boy will be by soon. I've been working with him. 
19931031	Dilbert: ... and no onions. Waitress: Very good, sir. Dilbert: You didn't write it down. You aren't even intending to get it right. Waitress: This way there's no incriminating paper trail... just your word against mine. Waitress: When you complain about getting the wrong meal I'll look at you like this. Waitress: Then I'll roll my eyes, causing you to wonder whether you misspoke when you ordered. Waitress: I'll offer to replace the meal but you know that will take forever and also come out wrong. Waitress: HOO-HA HA HA HA HA HA Waitress: And for you? Dogbert: Number five, hold the demonic hatred. 
19931101	Pointy haired boss: I borrowed a Japanese work custom -- sleeping tubes! Pointy haired boss: No more wasted time commuting. If you keel over from exhaustion we'll just cram you into a sleep tube. Dilbert: Which tube is mine? Pointy haired boss: You don't get a personal tube unless you're employee of the week. 
19931102	Pointy haired boss: In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It's called karoshi. Pointy haired boss: I don't want that to happen to anybody in this department. Pointy haired boss: The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon. 
19931103	Ratbert: Yeah, I'd say that I've become a loved and respected member of the family. Ratbert: Sure, you had some initial prejudice because I'm a rat, but love won out. Ratbert: So, I was thinking maybe there's a better way to leave little bits of cheese around the house for me. 
19931104	Ratbert: It's time to walk the rat! Dilbert: You're confusing yourself with a dog. The proper way to exercise a rat is to strike it repeatedly with a rolled-up magazine. (title): Should Ratbert be spared? Send your vote by e-mail to: scottadams@aol.com 
19931105	Dogbert: We're being deluged by e-mail! Dogbert: The male writers heavily favor whacking Ratbert with the magazine. Dogbert: And we have a number of helpful suggestions involving power tools. Dilbert: Boys will be boys. 
19931106	(title): Ratbert's fate depends on the kindness of readers who are voting by electronic mail. Dogbert: Don't worry, Ratbert. You won't get whacked unless people think senseless cruelty is somehow "funny". Dogbert: Although I admit it would have a certain visual appeal. Ratbert: YOU'RE NOT HELPING!! (title) Conclusion Nov. 29 
19931108	Boss: I'm the boss. I can take the last bit of coffee without making a new pot. LOOK AT ME!! I'M TAKING THE LAST DROP!! HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! Dilbert: An actual human would feel guilt in this situation. Boss: The pot needs washing. 
19931109	Boss: My boss says we need some eunuch programmers. Dilbert: I think he means Unix not eunuchs. And I already know Unix. Boss: If the company nurse drops by, tell her I said "never mind." 
19931110	Boss: I found a seminar that will teach fire-walking as a way to build confidence. Each of you will have to walk barefoot over burning coals while I watch. Dilbert: But amazingly, we learn how to do it without injury, right? Boss: No, that seminar costs a lot more. 
19931111	Caption: At the fire-walking seminar for managers. Instructor: Who will be the first to brave the hot coals? You will teach the others by your example. Now, what you learn from Wally's example is: don't use alcohol-based after-shave. (FOOSH.) 
19931112	Caption: At the fire-walking seminar for managers. Instructor: I don't think you're ready. Fire-walking requires complete confidence. Anything less could be dangerous. Dilbert: I'm just chilly. Instructor: Fine...Do it with your socks on. 
19931113	Dilbert: I made it though the fire-walking seminar uninjured by wearing asbestos lined socks. People always laughed because I lined my undergarments with asbestos -- but who's laughing NOW? Dogbert: Have you always feared your butt would catch on fire? Dilbert: It's not the kind of thing you leave to chance. 
19931115	Man: Hey, Dogbert! Long time no see! Dogbert: Ow!! I've never been good at suffering fools. 
19931116	Dogbert: I was wondering if you could build a phaser pistol so I can zap the many fools I encounter everyday Dogbert: Nothin lethal, just enough to make them twitch wildly and scream. It would be fun. Dilbert: That wouldn't be very nice to the fools Dogbert: I just think you guys should provide more value to the society
19931117	Dogbert: Dilbert won't build a phaser pistol for me. He thinks it's wrong to zap people for fun. Garbageman: Yeah, that would be wrong...unless the people you zap are themselves immoral, in which case you would be on the side of justice. Dogbert: I guess it's academic since I don't have a phaser. Garbageman: Here, borrow mine. 
19931118	Man: Hey, little dog, smile. It only takes two muscles! (ZAP.) AAAIII!! Dogbert: That took a few extra muscles, but I think it was worth it. 
19931119	Dogbert: I'm looking for the idiot who does the radio traffic reports. Reporter: Speaking of idiots, only an idiot would want to be in this traffic. Dogbert: That's for making me listen to inane segues. 
19931120	Dogbert: Thanks for letting me borrow your phaser. I recharged the batteries. Garbageman: I hope you didn't use it in anger. Dogbert: No, I was laughing most of the time. And I probably won't stop wagging until Tuesday. Garbageman: Good. 
19931122	Secretary: I sit innocently in my low-wall, clerical style cubicle. Manager: One copy, no staple. Secretary: Men with ivy-league degrees walk PAST the copier and ask me to make copies. I am...SECRETARY WITH A CROSSBOW. 
19931123	Secretary: My job satisfaction has gone way up since I got this crossbow. Hey, Russell! Answer your own phone once in a while! (FFFT.) Russell: We need to chat. Secretary: Chat this. 
19931124	Manager: May I slip in? I only need one copy. Carol: What's the message here? Is YOUR time worth more than MY time because you're a manager and I'm a secretary? Huh? This might sting for a second, but it'll remove your desire to make copies. 
19931125	Carol: The "secretary with a crossbow" goes on the hunt. Moby Dick! Dilbert: You've been harpooned again, sir. Boss: Yeah, but I capsized her desk. 
19931126	Squirrel said to Dilbert: "Dogbert insults you all the time and you treat him like your best friend. "Obviously, I need to give you some verbal abuse in order to cement our bond of love and friendship."  Dilbert to squirrel: "You're an idiot."  Squirrel: "Hey, I just bonded a little bit! This really works...you moron!"
19931127	Dilbert: Hi, I'm Dilbert and this is the physical manifestation of my ego. (SPLASH.) Ego: WORSHIP ME, FEMALE!! Dilbert: That's why I only feed it sparkling water. 
19931129	Dogbert: The e-mail votes have been tabulated.  The will of the people is that Ratbert shall be spared from getting whacked with a magazine. Dilbert: I guess there's nothing funny about random cruelty. Dilbert: AAAII!! Bob: Right! Cruelty is only funny if administered in a proper social context.
19931130	Pointy haired boss: Matt is fresh out of engineering school.  You'll be his mentor.  Whatever you do, don't crush his spirit before Wednesday. Dilbert: Why put it off so long? Pointy haired boss: Because I bet ten bucks we could string him along until Thursday.
19931201	Caption: Dilbert the mentor. Dilbert: This is called a "meeting." The objective is twofold: talk as much as possible and leave with no new assignments. That's okay...I thought your talking went very well. 
19931202	Caption: Dilbert the mentor. Dilbert: This is your computer. When you hear footsteps it's a good idea to move this thing around and click it. This concludes your technical training. If you have further questions just remember you're inconveniencing me. 
19931203	Boss: Congratulations, Mister Dogbert. You submitted the lowest bid for creating our corporate fitness program. The other bidders wanted money. You're the only one who offered to do it just for the laughs. Although I don't see what's so funny about it. Dogbert: Engineers...Aerobics...Think about it. 
19931204	Dogbert: Skeptics say that a company fitness program will not succeed. Let's do some aerobics and see who's right! Engineers: OUCH! WHAP! OW! UNH! The skeptics are right. Dogbert: We usually are. 
19931206	Dilbert: My chair is broken. Can you send a new one from the warehouse? Stock Mgr: No can do, my friend. All we have is chairs with deluxe armrests. They're only for managers who are one level higher than you. What do I suggest? I dunno...Maybe take some classes at night. I'm sure you can get promoted eventually. 
19931207	Dilbert: My chair is broken and the warehouse is out of "engineer chairs." And since I'm...you know...empowered, I thought I might order a "manager chair" for the time being. I've overstepped my authority, haven't I? Boss: Next you'll want a screen door on your cubicle. 
19931208	Dilbert: If the warehouse won't replace my broken chair, I'll just take one from somebody else. Technically, it's not stealing because the chair belongs to the company either way. What's the worst thing that could happen? Satan: Hold the elevator...Over. 
19931209	Dilbert: It's "Phil, the prince of insufficient light"! Phil: I saw you take that chair. I SUMMON ALL THE DEMONS AND TROLLS OF HECK TO COME FORTH AND PUNISH YOU NOW!!! Ed: I' Ed, from accounting. The others are at lunch. 
19931210	Dilbert: What's the penalty for stealing a chair? Satan: You are sentenced to sit in the break room used by the accounting department. Accountant: I like to type the number six. Accountant: Cripes! This is my Tuesday lunch bag. 
19931211	Ratbert: I'm writing a short story for people who don't have much patience. "Blah, blah, blah, whatever, blah, blah, etcetera, etcetera." If it's a commercial success, the sequel practically writes itself. 
19931213	Stan: And our product has a thirty terabit RAM cache, just like your company needs. Tell him, Dilbert. Dilbert: It has no RAM. Stan: And it's capable of detecting tachion field emissions. Dilbert: You're confusing us with "Star Trek" again, Stan. Stan: We'll build that stuff into the next free upgrade. Customer: We'll take it! Dilbert: Beam me up, Spock. There's no life on this planet. 
19931214	Dilbert: Stan, you promised the customer things that engineering can't possibly deliver. Do you know what this means? Stan: It means I'm a great salesman and you're a crappy engineer. Maybe you should consider taking classes at night. Dilbert: Karate classes. 
19931215	Dilbert: Hey, Dogbert! I just discovered I can fit an entire change of clothes into an empty "Pringles" potato chip can. Most of the fabrics I wear can be rolled up pretty tight...so...uh... It's funny how the most brilliant idea can sound silly when you tell your dog. 
19931216	Dilbert: I need a name for my new tubular luggage invention. The name should be descriptive of its function, yet also call out to my target market. Go ahead...get it out of your system. Dogbert: "Dorkage." 
19931217	Woman: What happened to your clothes? Dilbert: I had them rolled up and stuffed in a "Pringles" potato chip can for a week. It's a prototype for my tubular luggage invention. Woman: Never speak to me again. 
19931218	Ratbert: I noticed I wasn't in any of your old photo albums, so I pasted myself into a few key places. Ratbert: Here I am hugging you when you're a baby... basically I put myself over all the pictures of this ugly woman. Dilbert: That ugly woman is my mom. Ratbert: Hey! I didn't raise you to talk bad about other people! 
19931219	Dilbert: My time machine is complete. Dogbert: I guess you'll be off to explore exotic and fascinating civilizations. Dilbert: Why would anybody want to do that? Dogbert: Beats me. Dilbert: My plan is to send all of our trash to ourselves twenty years from now. We'll have much better recycling methods by then. Dilbert: I wonder what elegant methods we'll have for recycling in the future. Dilbert: I bet we'll have a way that's quick and efficient and... Dilbert: Uh-oh. Dogbert: Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Time machine: * PING * Dilbert: We would send it back in time and wait for it to decompose. Dogbert: I hate us. 
19931220	Dogbert: Here's my list of Christmas demands. Dogbert: Follow the instructions and nobody gets hurt. Dilbert: You're bluffing. You wouldn't hurt my plastic window Santa. Dogbert: One yank and he's off life support! 
19931221	Dogbert: Here's my list of Christmas demands, Ratbert. Dogbert: Since you have no money I included items which can be easily shoplifted. Ratbert: Thanks Dogbert: Or you can check the box where it says you agree to be my personal valet for life. Ratbert: I need to shoplift a pencil first.
19931222	Dogbert: Remember, Bob, it is better to give to Dogbert than to receive... especially at Christmas Bob the Dinosaur: But I don't have any income... except for the coins people drop when I give them wedgies. Bob (thinking): {It seems like exactly the wrong season to pick up the pace on this sort of thing.}
19931223	Dogbert: How can this be the season of good cheer when I don't even have my gifts yet? Dogbert: I mean, what if you get me something stupid? I'll hate you forever and have to run away. Dilbert: Your psychology won't work this year. I will not buy more gifts. Dogbert: You'll probably find me dead in some snow bank.
19931224	Dogbert: Several shopping hours left, and you just sit there. Dogbert: Did you really buy enough gifts for Dogbert? You worry. Guilt and doubt begin to grow at your gut... the pain... the pain... Dilbert: I thought it was the thought that counts. Dogbert: Don't believe the hype. 
19931225	Dilbert: You really put the family through some major gift-giving guilt this week, Dogbert. Ratbert: Family? Does that include little Ratbert? Dilbert: Welcome to the family, Ratbert. Dogbert: Don't expect much of an allowance. 
19931226	Date: You remind me of my old boyfriend Jack. Date: You're not as funny or as handsome... Date: But you *are* male, and that's just like Jack. Dilbert (thinking): {I can wait this out. She'll stop talking about him eventually.} Date: Oooooh... Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack, Jack... Date: Oops, I slipped into an "old boyfriend coma" for a minute there. Dilbert: {That wasn't too bad.} Waiter: Are you ready to order? Dilbert (thinking): {It should be clear sailing from here on, with any luck at all. Date: Jack? 
19931227	Dogbert: I'd like your biggest map of the world for my war room. Dogbert: I'd like this for free. In return, After I conquer the world I'll make you ambassador to France. Salesman: Does that require travel? I get air sick. Dogbert: No problem. You'll have diplomatic immunity.
19931228	Dilbert: What's all this, Dogbert? Dogbert: I'm planning my world conquest. Dogbert: It shouldn't be too hard, given the fact I've probably sneezed more brain cells than the average human uses on election day. Dilbert: I usually vote a straight party ticket. Dogbert: I could be done before lunch. 
19931229	Dogbert: After I conquer the world I'll have a city named after you, Ratbert. Ratbert: Wow! Dogbert: But before I do that I'll change your name to Pittsburgh. Dogbert: If you play your cards right I'll change your last name to "yoo hoo" and have a beverage named after you too! Ratbert: YES! I'M GONNA BE FAMOUS! 
19931230	Dogbert: I can't decide if it would be better to conquer the world by building an army or starting a religion. Dilbert: Which one would have the least loss of life? Dogbert: That's what I'm trying to calculate on this spreadsheet. Dilbert: Why are you counting law students as two-tenths of a person? Dogbert: It doesn't drop to zero until they pass the bar. 
19931231	Dogbert: Would you like to sign this petition to end world hunger at no cost to you? (sign: End Hunger) Man: World hunger? Why does it say "I demand elimination of the government and the establishment of a Dogbert monarchy"? Dogbert: It's standard boilerplate. The lawyers insisted. Man: Man, those guys are in a world of their own. 
19940101	Dilbert: Mmm... Oh, Dilbert! Mmm... Dogbert: CUT! Dilbert: Do you really think this will make Mom stop worrying about me? Dogbert: Only if you raise your voice for the "Mmm" part. 
19940102	Ratbert: What is reality, mister garbage man? World's smartest garbage man: Are you sure you're ready for that, Ratbert? Ratbert: My mind is a blank slate! Garbage man: Okay... Time and motion are just illusions created by your inability to perceive everything at once. Garbage man: Everything that is possible exists as a path. You simply choose the path you wish to perceive. Garbage man: The only things you can't change are the experiences you're already perceived. Ratbert: My head hurts. Garbage man: The contents of a garbage can are determined by what path I choose to perceive, not by what somebody else chose to discard. Ratbert: OW! OW! Ratbert: Brain overload! Ratbert: Hey! There's a new VCR in here! Garbage man: C'mon, I'm expecting some great videos in the O'Briens' can. 
19940103	Pointy haired boss: I'm sorry Dave, but you're being transferred to Marketing and there's no budget to train you as a marketer. SLAP! Dave: Where am I? I need a drink. Pointy haired boss: This is a temporary fix... but you'll fit in now. 
19940104	Pointy haired boss: We've redesigned the organization chart to show management at the *bottom* supporting our most important employees! Dilbert: Question: Why do the most important employees get payed the least? Point haired boss: Because *they* would never think of ideas like this upside down chart concept.
19940105	Pointy haired boss: We're flattening the organization to eliminate levels and put everybody in a wide salary band. Pointy haired boss: Now instead of not getting a promotion you'll only not get a raise. Wally: So, what job title do we use? Pointy haired boss: You'll all be named Beverly. 
19940106	(Title): The boss's brain Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Hummm} Pointy haired boss (thinking): {Theoretically, if I cut costs enough we'll be profitable without selling any products.} Pointy haired boss (thinking): {How do they get the ink into these things?} 
19940107	Boss: "Tim will be leaving the company to pursue other opportunities." Note the absence of key phrases such as "we regret" or "years of dedicated service." And notice that his new opportunity is not called "exciting." Dilbert: I think you're reading a little too much into that announcement. Boss: No, I'm reading the footnote. 
19940108	(BOOM!) (CRASH!) Engineer: I hear your company is trimming travel budgets. Dilbert: Can anyone lend me bus fare to get home? 
19940110	Pointy Haired Boss: Let's go around the table and give an update on each of our projects. Generic guy: My project is a pathetic series of poorly planned, near-random acts. My life is a tragedy of emotional desperation. Pointy Haired Boss: It's more or less customary to say things are going fine. Generic guy: I think I need a hug.
19940111	Co-worker: Dilbert, I'm forming a small clique of all the young, funny, single people in the department. We'll have drinks during lunch, talk about ski trips, and have romances within the group. Dilbert: Please just shoot me now. Co-worker: No, no...We need you to do our work. 
19940112	Co-worker: He's explaining something that I already understand. I've got to stop him. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Co-worker: I'll try vigorous nodding and agreeing, plus closed body language. Dilbert: Blah blah blah. Co-worker: Right right right. Dilbert: And have I ever told you how "Velcro" works? Co-worker: Maybe if I block the oxygen to my brain... 
19940113	Dogbert: I call it "Dogbert's reincarnation investment fund." You give me your money now and I invest it until you reincarnate. The compound interest will make you rich! Dilbert: What if I come back as a cow? Dogbert: You'll save a fortune in milk. 
19940114	Dogbert: Invest your money in my reincarnation fund and you'll be rich in a future life. Investor: But I am rich in THIS life, for I have love in my heart and music in my soul. So, can you help me push my van home? Dogbert: It looks like you'll also have sharp pain in your muscles. 
19940115	Dogbert: Good news -- Your ratio of liquidity to stupidity is very low. You qualify to invest in my reincarnation fund! Investor: If my ratio is low, that means I'm...uh... Made of liquid! Dogbert: I'd say you're 98% water, 2% cheap suit, and what's left is your amazing brain. 
19940116	Dilbert: I invented a "stealth business suit" to avoid assignments at work today. What do you think, Dogbert? Dogbert: (blank) Dilbert: Ha ha! My sound dampers have cancelled you out! Now watch what happens if somebody tries to attach a little yellow sticky note to me. See! Nothing sticks to the special polymers! Dogbert: (blank) Dilbert: And my wireless phone and pager are encased in lead so they can't detect incoming calls. Well, I'm off to "work." Ha ha ha ha ha! Dogbert: There goes the happiest man who ever forgot it was Sunday. 
19940117	Dilbert: I...I'd like permission to keep a plastic plant in my cubicle. Sign: Cubicle Gestapo. Guard: Permission denied! Plants attract bugs. If I can't tell it's plastic how are the bugs going to know the difference? Dilbert: With all due respect, bugs are way smarter than you. Guard: Oh yeah? I'd like to see them do THIS job. 
19940118	Dilbert: I'm going to defy the cubicle Gestapo and keep this plastic plant on my desk. I'm a rebel...I'm evil. My antiperspirant is breaking down! Sometimes a man has to take a stand. Dogbert: Could he stand someplace else? 
19940119	Dilbert: I synthesized the pheremones that make men and women attracted to each other. A few splashes of this and I'll be irresistible. Dogbert: Do you feel any different? Dilbert: I'm starting to re-e-e-ally like me. 
19940120	Dilbert: I'm wearing a synthetic pheromone scent that makes me irresistible. It should kick in any minute. Woman: Uh-oh. Waiter! Here's three hundred dollars. If I start to flirt with him, kill him! Dilbert: So far so good. Woman: I've got to...mace...myself. 
19940121	Dilbert: The pheromone cologne is making women desire me physically, but they can't reconcile it mentally. Woman: N-n-no. Dilbert: It isn't fair...I'll have to wash the cologne off... (POW.) Right after my aerobics class. 
19940122	Dogbert: You're unsuccessful in love because you keep forgetting OPPOSITES attract. Logically, the women who would be most attracted to you are beautiful and intellectually stimulating. Dilbert: You're right. I've been underestimating my drawing power. Dogbert: And women love it when you pose like this for them. 
19940124	Boss: Our Elbonian division was the low bidder for launching French satellites into orbit. I'm putting you personally in charge. Make sure they use the right technology. Caption: Elbonia. Elbonian1: Oops. Elbonian2: I hope those things aren't expensive. 
19940125	Dilbert: The corporate office sent me to head up the Elbonian satellite launching program. Elbonian: Ooh...Bad timing. The French delivered their satellite early. We already tried to launch it with the town slingshot. Dilbert: It doesn't get much worse than this. Elbonian: It flattened the French embassy. They declared war an hour ago. 
19940126	Report: Project status: We accidentally destroyed the French satellite and are now at war with France. Elbonian: Maybe you should be a little more upbeat in your report. Emphasize the positive. Report: "...On a positive note, our headcount expenses are trending downward." 
19940127	Dilbert: The French are bombing us!! Run!! Elbonian1: We Elbonians are a hardy breed. Bombs don't scare us. (Sploit. Sploit.) 'Course I'd be lying if I told you this didn't sting like all get out. Elbonian2: "Nupe" it. 
19940128	Dilbert: ...The French stopped bombing Elbonia when they realized there was nothing worth destroying. Ironically, the GNP of Elbonia tripled by selling the bomb fragments for scrap. When I left they were trying to goad France into another war. Elbonians: You call this swill champagne?? If we drank this WE'D have to eat snails to get the taste out of our mouths too!! Sign: French embassy. 
19940129	Ratbert: The less you know, the happier you are. While you struggle with that computer, I'm naked, clueless, and f-e-e-e-ling GOOD! Dilbert: You're really annoying me now. Ratbert: Totally naked! Isn't that a hoot? 
19940131	Dogbert: I declare myself the patron saint of technology. I heal broken technology with my right paw and I use the scepter to drive out the demons of stupidity. Dilbert: I don't think I've seen your spiritual side before. 
19940201	"Saint dogbert seeks out technology that has been possessed by the demons of stupidity he happens across a software developer" Software developer: I'll make the command easy to remember, like ctrl-alt-F4-Del. And if they forget that they can just edit the source code in "command.com" saint dogbert: Out! Out!
19940202	Saint dogbert: Hold still while I exorcise the demons of stupidity that posess you. Out! Out! I command the demons of stupidity to be gone!! The suit is now safe. Pointy haired boss' suit: Thanks!
19940203	Dogbert: Is you job plagued by the evil demons of stupidity? Simply affix this image of Saint Dogbert to every document, cubicle or computer you want to protect and watch your career begin to change! OUT OUT!! YOU DEMONS OF STUPIDITY!! 
19940204	Dilbert: No, "C" is a computer language, not the grade for my project. Boss: What's happening? Dilbert: He turned into a black hole, so dense that light cannot escape his field of gravity. (Ping.) Unfortunately, only his ideas can escape the gravity because they lack substance. Boss: What if you program in "B"? 
19940205	Dilbert: I've got my 3-D stereo for life-like sound... I've got high definition television for life-like video... Dogbert: Do you have a life yet? Dilbert: No, but I'm darn close. 
19940207	Boss: I thought it necessary to provide detailed guidelines to our new casual dress code. Forbidden clothing includes: shorts, tank tops, tee shirts, shirts with slogans, blue jeans, sneakers, and sandals. Dilbert: My morale is soaring. Boss: Appendix "A" is the approved underwear list. 
19940208	Boss: The new dress code allows casual clothing on Fridays. You'll have to make actual fashion decisions that will be scrutinized by hundreds of your co-workers! Wally: I'm thinking "Garanimals" from "Sears." 
19940209	Boss: I realize that casual dress day isn't easy for you engineers... But you've exceeded the bounds of good taste. I've got to send you home to change. Dilbert: Shut up, Wally. Wally: I heard they were back! I swear! 
19940210	Boss: We must constantly ask ourselves what we can do to delight our customers. Alice: We could stop having these meetings, fire everybody in the room and lower the prices of our products. Boss: I was thinking more along the lines of a slogan. Wally: How 'bout "we waste your money"? 
19940211	Dogbert: Have you ever noticed how incredibly cute I am? Look at this little black nose, soft furry ears, adorable little tail...With these looks I could get away with murder. I'm thinking of becoming a hit man for the mob. Dilbert: I'm glad we have these talks. 
19940212	Dogbert: I found a way to profit from my innate cuteness. Introducing the limited edition "Baby Dogbert" ceramic figurine! Dilbert: I see -- it's a device to induce vomiting. Dogbert: The focus group was a disaster. 
19940214	Wally: What shall we tell the guy from marketing this time? Dilbert: Hee hee. Let's see if we can make him feel a sense of helpless desperation and fear. The time-division multiplexer opened a hole in the fabric of space. Wally: We're trapped in this meeting forever. 
19940215	Dilbert: I can't live my life trying to please others. Dogbert: I think I can speak for all others when I say "Fool! You'd better please us of we'll crush you!" Dilbert: It was just a thought. Dogbert: We "others" don't like to be threatened. 
19940216	Boss: As the leader of this organization, it's my job to set priorities. Carol: Here's your calendar. I booked you through next year with every yahoo who could dial your number. Boss: Maybe I'll call this a priority. 
19940217	Wally: I say it's easier to ask forgiveness than to ask permission. Ted: I say it's better to seek permission, thus delaying your personal risk until it all becomes moot in the next reorganization. Wally: That makes mine sound kinda stupid. Ted: Get over it. 
19940218	Boss: Although I'm technically the "boss" I believe it's my job to make resources available to you, the common employees. Dilbert: I need more money for my project. Boss: Sorry. All gone. Dilbert: Maybe I'll get on your calendar so we can discuss it. Boss: I've got ten minutes next summer. 
19940219	Dilbert: 35-inch monitor, 20 megs of RAM, 1.2 gigabytes of hard disk space... I feel a song coming on. People...who don't need people...are the ha-a-a-ppiest people. 
19940221	Boss: The layoffs will be handled in the most humane way possible. (POW! Shtk!) Dilbert: How long does the tranquilizer last? Boss: He'll wake up at the unemployment office. 
19940222	Wally: Here's your "buzzword bingo" card for the meeting. If the boss uses a buzzword on your card, you check it off. The objective is to fill a row. Boss: You're all very attentive today. My proactive leadership must be working! Wally: Bingo, sir. 
19940223	Alice: We've reached a new low in the "potluck lunch" sign-up. Twelve people signed up to bring bags of ice and one person is bringing salt. I need one of you to at least bring a beverage. Wally: Put me down for one bag of sparkling mineral water. 
19940224	Dilbert: Shhh. Wally: We were just talking about you, sir...in glowing terms. Dilbert: He's a flaming idiot. Wally: One stick of dynamite -- It's all I ask. 
19940225	Dilbert: You've completely eliminated the budget for technical training! I'm getting dumber every minute. My brain is starting to shrivel like a raisin! Boss: Get out of my office. Dilbert: Even my hair feels different. 
19940226	Susan: According to you, if I cut your budget the world will abruptly stop spinning and we'll be flung into space. Whereas, the risk of cutting Dilbert's project is "...a plague of locusts o'er the land." I'll cut both projects. With any luck, we'll fling the locusts into space. Wally: Locusts. Real good. 
19940228	Boss: I just read this great book about how to "reengineer" our business processes. Everybody's doing it. We'd better jump under the bandwagon before the train leaves the station! I'm putting you in charge. If you need any management support you know where to go. 
19940301	Boss: Reengineering is simple. You start by questioning employees who would get fired if you succeed. Then you use that objective data to design a more efficient business process. Dilbert: So...You say you use flying monkeys to deliver the finished design? Engineer: They're very fast. 
19940302	Dogbert: You should hire me as your process reengineering consultant. I would be totally objective about what jobs to eliminate. Frankly, I don't care about anybody at your company! Dilbert: You've got the right attitude. Dogbert: I think I'll wear a flowing robe and surround myself with cherubs. 
19940303	Dilbert: Here's our preliminary recommendation for radically reengineering our business processes. Boss: AAAGH! COUGH SPOIT! Dilbert: He coughed up his skull. Dogbert: I'll bet that smarts. 
19940304	Dilbert: Do you remember last election day and how you convinced me not to vote? You argued that since we disagreed on all issues, we could both stay home and the outcome would be the same as if we both voted. DOGS CAN'T VOTE!! Dogbert: Well, not directly. 
19940305	Dogbert: According to this, a technical degree becomes obsolete in five years. Dilbert: Do you mind? I'm trying to get some work done on the...uh... Doohickey. Dogbert: Uh-oh. 
19940307	Dilbert: We in engineering think of the marketing department as our customer, Fred. Fred: That's great. I'd like you to do a technical feasibility study for me. Wally: Would that require any work? Dilbert: I said "customer," not "boss." 
19940308	Boss: Susan, I want you to make some budget cuts throughout my department. Susan: But I'm only the budget analyst. I couldn't possibly understand all the engineering projects enough to make intelligent choices. Boss: Really? Great! I thought it was just me! Susan: Shall I whomp up a strategy while I'm at it? 
19940309	Boss: I can assure you that the value of the average employee will continue to increase. Dilbert: Is that because there will be fewer of us, doing more work? I'm right, aren't I? Boss: Except for the "us" part. 
19940310	Boss: The company has announced there will be no raises or promotions this year. Now, there's a mathematical certainty that no matter how hard you work, inflation will make you work forever. Dilbert: I hated the old way, with all the uncertainty. Boss: I'm not just a manager, I'm a leader! 
19940311	Dilbert: I'm telling you -- If nobody gets a raise, half of the engineers will quit! Boss: That's the goal. We're trying to reduce headcount by fifty percent. Dilbert: But all the SMART people will leave! Boss: Would you mind organizing a goodbye potluck lunch for them? 
19940312	Dilbert: At the current rate of inflation, with no raises or promotions... Our net worth at retirement will be...a shopping cart full of aluminum cans. We'd better do something. Wally: I'm going shopping before all the good carts are gone. 
19940314	Pointy haired boss:  All of our projects are floundering.  I decided on a bold new strategry. Dilbert: Let me guess.  You're going to randomly reorganize the department... Dilbert: Just like last month. Pointy haired boss:  You have to admit that's bold.
19940315	Boss: I'm creating a new layer of management so I don't have to talk to you in person anymore. Richard is your new boss. He has an MBA from Harfurd University. Dilbert: You mean "Harvard," don't you? Boss: Uh-oh. 
19940316	Boss: We'll need a name for the newly reorganized department. The name should reflect how I've seamlessly integrated engineering with food services and procurement. Dilbert: How about "chips and dips"? Wally: "Blind ambition." Engineer: "The unled." 
19940317	Dilbert: These constant reorganizations do not take into consideration the needs of the employees. Boss: I've decided to use you for spare parts. Your liver will be sent to Jose in accounting immediately. Dilbert: Jose has a bad liver? Boss: No, but why take a chance? 
19940318	Wally: Sometimes I think these constant reorganizations are just excuses for getting rid of unwanted employees. What job did you end up with? Dilbert: Organ donor. Wally: My shoulder is acting up. Do I talk to you or is there a form to fill out? Dilbert: I don't think that's an "organ." 
19940319	Boss: Susan, I'm reorganizing the department again. The budget you worked on for months is now worthless. Susan: I think when you have bad news you should make an effort to break it gradually, maybe build up to it. Boss: Oh, that reminds me: You're fired. 
19940321	Dilbert: Hi, Cheryl. Would you like to have lunch with me next week? Cheryl: I...uh...already ate lunch. I'm not hungry. Dilbert: I'm talking about NEXT WEEK!! Cheryl: I don't think I could have another bite. All full. 
19940322	Woman: Lunch? With you? I'd love to but...uh... I'm clinically dead. What you see are merely the last involuntary spasms before I stiffen. Dilbert: I have a hand truck. Woman: This was a very bad idea. 
19940323	Dilbert: Lisa, I was wondering if you'd like to go out to dinner Saturday night. Lisa: Uh...I have to wash my hair Saturday. How about having coffee here at work instead? Dilbert: I'll pass. I was hoping for someone with clean hair. 
19940324	Dogbert: I've become a doomsday prophet so I can scare gullible people. I'm telling everyone the world will end in year 2000. My compelling logic is that 2000 is a big round number. It's b-i-i-i-g and r-o-o-und. Dilbert: STOP IT!!! 
19940325	Dogbert: I'm predicting that the world will end in the year 2000. The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers. So you really want to avoid being, let's say, in mobile home number 1,000,000 in the year 2000. Ratbert: I'm feeling anxiety. 
19940326	Dogbert: The end of the world is coming in year 2000. Therefore, you should give me your money before it's too late. It is written that money is evil. I'll keep your money in Dogbert's special "evil-be-gone" device. And it's completely deductible. (...from your savings.) Man: So I'm actually making money! 
19940327	Dilbert: I'm getting performance anxiety at the automated teller machine. I feel the impatient glare of the stranger behind me. I try to prove I'm competent by speeding through the menus. Good Lord, I hit the Mandarin Chinese language option. Oh no! I think I transferred my life's savings to the "United Way." Great...Now his eyeballs are stuck to the back of my neck. This is exactly why I hate going to the automated teller. Dogbert: I think a little "Visine" would make him slide right off. Dilbert: There was a time I could afford that... 
19940328	Wally: Zimbu the monkey designed three commercial products this WEEK! We'd better find out his secret. He's using his tail! He has a natural advantage! I feel the jaws of evolution on my throat. Dilbert: Good gravy! Did you see him cut and paste?! 
19940329	Boss: Well, well, it looks like Zimbu the monkee has designed another commercially viable product using only his tail. Dilbert: I could have done that...if I hadn't erased my hard drive when I installed my security software. I don't produce much, but it's VERY secure. Zimbu: Here's another one. 
19940330	Dilbert: Zimbu, you're not supposed to use your tail to operate the mouse. If tails were a natural advantage for engineers then evolution would provide us ALL with tails! Boss: Dilbert, I don't believe you've met Rocky, our new C programmer. 
19940331	Zimbu: Your big mistake, evolution-wise, was inventing computers that are easier to use if you have a tail. It's an ironic twist in the Darwinian saga. You've guaranteed the extinction of your own species. Dilbert: Stop working while I'm talking to you, Zimbu!! Zimbu: I can hear the evolutionary clock...Tic-tick-tick-tick. 
19940401	Zimbu: Evolution favors monkeys. Eventually, humans will be kept in cages as pets. Dilbert: Bah! Impossible! We humans will never allow ourselves to be treated like that! Now get out of my cubicle! 
19940402	Dilbert: Would you like some chicken, Bob? Bob: I told you I'm a vegetarian. I eat vegetables. Dilbert: How about fish? Do you eat fish? Bob: Fish are not vegetables. Dilbert: How about clams? Do you eat clams? Bob: No, but YOU'RE starting to look good. 
19940404	Dilbert: The only way to get ahead in this company is by getting promoted to management. I'm willing to do whatever it takes to get promoted. I want to follow in your footsteps. But I'm wondering if a lobotomy is actually necessary. Boss: No. We'll just run you through "quality" training. 
19940405	Dilbert: I want you to teach me everything you know about corporate politics so I can get promoted to your level. Boss: To truly understand office politics you must wear a waste basket on your head for one full day. Caption: Later. Dilbert: Does this really work? Boss: It works for me. 
19940406	Dogbert: If you want to get promoted, say bad things about your co-workers so you look better by comparison. Dilbert: Geez, Lisa, it looks like you've been hitting the donuts pretty hard lately. Heh-heh...Big things are coming my way soon. 
19940407	Caption: Dilbert gets political. Dilbert: I'd love to have you and what's-her-face come to my little dinner party. I like to do a little gourmet cooking...when I'm not raising money to battle unpopular diseases. Carol: Is it just me, or the other guests crash dummies? Dilbert: It's just you. Boss: So, then I... 
19940408	Customer: What makes these a "value"? Sign: Value Priced Lottery Tickets. Dogbert: They're half the normal price, and yet the chance of winning is only one in ten million less. Customer: Hey! This is for yesterday's lottery! Dogbert: And your point is...? 
19940409	Sign: Value Priced Lottery Tickets. Ratbert: I am drawn by the allure of fabulous wealth and a life of hedonistic delight...One please. Ratbert: This is dated yesterday. Dogbert: Ooh, bad luck. Try again? 
19940411	Salesman: Our device conforms to all international standards for communications. Dilbert: In other words, it doesn't do anything useful and it's not your fault. Salesman: Is there somebody less experienced I could talk to? Dilbert: Do you have my boss's number? 
19940412	Boss: I hired a weasel to help us write our business case. Weasel: Whisper whisper. Boss: Did I say weasel? I meant mink. 
19940413	Weasel: Tell me about your project and I'll translate into weasel words for the business case. Dilbert: Well...An executive had lunch with a vendor and committed to buy some stuff that doesn't work. Our job is to cost-justify the decision. Weasel: I quit. Dilbert: Don't get all ethical on us. 
19940414	Boss: I agreed to ship project "dewdrop" to some customers for beta testing. Dilbert: Didn't you read my test report? Dewdrop explodes when you plug it in. Boss: We'll limit the beta trial to friendly customers. Dilbert: We killed all the friendly ones with project "ducky." 
19940415	Dilbert: You've got to delay the beta trial with customers until we figure out why it keeps exploding! Boss: You engineers are such pessimists. Just once, try to focus on the positive aspects of the trial! Dilbert: We won't need to hassle with "non-disclosure agreements." 
19940416	Woman: I've never minded putting makeup on, but it's a real bother to take it off. Dilbert: That seems like a lot of work, I must admit. But I still think it's better to remove the old stuff. Woman: It's only a problem at the bowling alley. 
19940418	Boss: Here's the press release about our bid to buy "DSN" for fifty billion dollars. Dilbert: ? Boss: DSN is the Hollywood studio that provides static to all the channels that would otherwise be blank. Dilbert: The "Dogbert static network"?!! Dogbert: Talk to me, babe. 
19940419	Dilbert: You can't copyright the static on blank TV channels! Dogbert: I already did. Dilbert: You can't let my company pay fifty billion dollars to buy your so-called film library. Dogbert: I already am. Dilbert: I may have to blow the whistle on this little deal. Dogbert: It'll have to be a nose whistle - I copyrighted everything else.
19940420	Woman: Bad news sir -- Our arch rivals are out-bidding us for control of DSN. Apparently they have even less creative investment ideas than we do. Boss: Quick! Give more money to our consultants!! Woman: They're spending it as fast as they can, sir!! 
19940421	Investor: We'll give you sixty billion for the "Dogbert static network." Half of that will be stock in our company. Dogbert: Who would want stock in a company that would pay sixty billion for static? Investor: Not us. That's the point. Dogbert: I'd like it all in Mercury dimes. 
19940422	Boss: From now on you'll be working full time on our takeover of DSN. You must also identify any unnecessary jobs that can be cut after the takeover. Dilbert: That would be the people who worked on the takeover. Boss: Ooh, I broadcasted that move. 
19940423	Dogbert: I plan to use my new wealth to build an amusement park. Dogbertland will have thrilling rides like "the wedgie" and I'll have a maze in front of the restrooms. Dilbert: The customers will hate this. Dogbert: If THEY want fun they can build their own park. 
19940425	Dilbert: Quantity...two sided reduced to 98%...collated...with staple...portrait...two colors...darken...legal size paper... (Thip! Crinkle! Spoit!) Secretary: If you want a photocopy set "thip crinkle and spoit" to no. Dilbert: It makes copies too?? 
19940426	Boss: This year, instead of raises we're giving appliances. Dilbert: What?! Boss: High performers could get a color television or a new 'fridge. Dilbert: He called it a "lava lamp." Dogbert: I call it a jar of mayonnaise. 
19940427	Boss: I want you to help me upgrade the computer in my office. Dilbert: The computer in your office is a cardboard prop that came with your desk. Boss: So, I need a new motherboard, right? Dilbert: No, you need a new desk. 
19940428	Boss: Take care of this immediately. It's your TOP priority. Dilbert: Top priority? This is dated last month. It's been on your desk for weeks and NOW it's your top priority?? Boss: I said it's YOUR top priority. I still don't care about it. Dilbert: Well...okay then. 
19940429	Co-worker1: THP-P-P-P-P. I CAN'T HEAR YOU! LA-LA-LA-LA-HM-HM-LA-LA. Co-worker2: He's right! It IS just like a little fort!! Dilbert: Friday meetings. 
19940430	Dilbert: If we know our senior executive is making a bad decision, shouldn't we tell her? Boss: Hmm, yes. Let's end our careers by challenging a decision that won't change. That's a great idea. Dilbert: I'm getting mixed signals here. Boss: And let's pull our neckties until it hurts! 
19940501	Dilbert: Thank you all for coming to our engineering quality team meeting. Dilbert: Today we'll try to identify the root cause of our slow design process. Wally: Let me take some wild guesses here. Wally: Management keeps increasing our work and cutting our staff. Wally: We spend all our time giving status reports to unnecessary layers of management!! Wally: Now we're having all-day meetings to talk about our inefficiency!! Dilbert: I was kinda hoping for something that isn't anybody's fault. (Unnamed, possibly Ted): Our computers are too slow. We need new ones Dilbert: Now we're getting someplace. 
19940502	Dilbert: We could have our next all-day staff meeting at my house. Alice: Do you have actual furniture? Dilbert: Somebody will have to sit in the bathroom. Wally: I call bathroom. 
19940503	Wally: How foolish of you to host the all-day staff meeting at your house. Let's form sub-teams to be more efficient. Ted will do accidental spills. Alice, you critique the decor. I'll be a floater. Alice: Kitchen, shoddily done... Ted: I spilled some mayonnaise on the wall. Wally: Where's the bathroom? 
19940504	Caption: The staff meeting at Dilbert's house ends. Wally: I guess we're done abusing your tasteless hovel. Boss: Burp* Ted: It was somewhat dim-witted of you to invite us to your house. Let's do it again real soon. Dogbert: I wondered if I'd EVER get to use my "cops are wusses" bumper-stickers. 
19940505	Salesman: We don't know what the product should do or who would use it. But if you could tell us what it costs to build it, we'll figure out the rest later. Dilbert: What year do you plan to sell it? Salesman: What am I -- psychic or something? 
19940506	Dilbert: My user representative is the stupidest. Wally: No way! MY user is the stupidest. Dilbert: Oh yeah?! Let's have a little wager. Go get your user and I'll get mine! Wally: You're on! Dilbert: Have another scone, Tom. Tom: You're right. They do look just like Styrofoam cups. User: It's a new paradigm. 
19940507	Co-worker: I'm going to seek relief from my many woes by sharing them with you. My entire family is in a coma...The cat ate my wedding ring...The IRS is auditing us...My boss made a pass at me... It isn't working. You aren't absorbing my woes. Dilbert: I'm wearing anti-woe cologne. 
19940509	Dogbert: The Dogbert consulting company will plot a new course for your business. Dogbert: My consultants are so smart that their brains don't fit in their heads.  They have to strap the extra brains to their torsos. Ratbert: Why do I need a piece of liver strapped to my torso? Dogbert: I got a little carried away at the pitch meeting. 
19940510	Title: Ratbert the consultant Dogbert: It takes more then a brilliant analytical mind to be a business consulant. Dogbert: You also need to be arrogant and socially dysfunctional. Ratbert: Does anybody know why a consultant was brought in to do your thining? Anybody? Anybody?
19940511	Ratbert: I'm the project leader for the Dogbert consulting company. You simple employees shall do my bidding. I'll be sending you on an endless variety of data-gathering expeditions. That will keep you busy while I do the thinking. By the way, this may look like a slab of liver but it's an external brain pack. Dilbert: My career just reached an all time low. 
19940512	Caption: Ratbert the consultant. Ratbert: It looks like you've all done you assignments for me. You input is so important that I'll have it put in a big binder and stored in the same building that you president works! And I'll put in a good word for you when I meet with your boss later today. Dilbert: How about two good words? 
19940513	Pointy haired boss: when I hired the dogbert consulting company he said his consutants wer so smart they had to wrap their brains around their torsos.  pointy haired boss: but that looks like a slab of liver  ratbert: this slab of liver has an MBA from harvard you pointy-hair fool!!!  pinty haired boss: wow, you guys are good debaters. 
19940514	Ratbert: Here's my final consulting report on your company. I've listed all the deadweight employees who should be fired. Boss: This is the company directory. Ratbert: Finding that was a huge time-saver. 
19940515	Pointy Haired Boss: Hi, Guys.  How are your families? Wally: ? Dilbert: ? Dilbert: Why are you pretending to be interested in our personal lives? Pointy Haired Boss: It's a management technique to increase your job satisfaction without giving you more money. Pointy Haired Boss: My plan is to boost your intangible benefits while continuing to chisel away at your salaries. Pointy Haired Boss: But enough about me . . . How are those families of yours? Wally: My wife divorced me because you make me work so many hours. Dilbert: This job lowers my self-esteem too much to attract a mate. Pointy Haired Boss: Tell them I said "Hi".
19940516	Pointy Haired Boss: I'm putting you in charge of an important project which is fully funded. Dilbert: Gasp Dilbert: I'm a marked man.  The other employees will either try to suck up to me for money or throw bricks at me. Co-Worker: Buddy! Dilbert: The trick is to keep a protective ring of suck-ups around at all times. Brick: Zip!
19940517	Dilbert: Thank you all for coming to the project kick-off meeting. Dilbert: As project manager I've decided to not tell you the purpose of the project.  That way it will be harder for you to sabotage it. Co-Worker: Does it require any super-fast microchips? Dilbert: Good Lord, no.  Don't build any of those . . . by Tuesday.
19940518	Dilbert: Wally, would you like to be on my "TTP" project? Wally: What does "TTP" stand for? Dilbert:  It's short for The TTP Project. Dilbert: I named it myself . . . So, do you want to join? Wally: I'd rather be your arch-nemesis.
19940519	Dilbert: Your department has a reputation for being difficult to work with.  But I know we can cooperate to make my project a success. Co-Worker: I'd love to help but my head is full of birdseed and my pants are glued to this chair. Dilbert: I'll talk to your boss. Co-Worker: Good luck.  He's a soap carving.
19940520	Pointy Haired Boss: How's your project coming along? Dilbert: It's under-funded and doomed.  But I've got some good inertia going and I'm setting up the marketing department to take the blame. Pointy Haired Boss: I feel like I should be doing something here. Dilbert: I've got you scheduled to make an uninformed decision next week.
19940521	Pointy Haired Boss: We just had a meeting and decided to change your project substantially. Pointy Haired Boss: We didn't invite you to the meeting because things go smoother when nobody has any actual knowledge. Dilbert: So what are the changes? Pointy Haired Boss: If I remember I'll leave you a voice mail.
19940522	Co-Worker: Let's spend the next four hours reviewing the project plan. Co-Worker: I've detailed every resource, task and dependency into an exquisitely accurate road map. Co-Worker: It took me two weeks, but it's the only way to make sure we're not wasting time. Alice: My tasks are two weeks late because I was waiting for your input. Dilbert: And you left off one task, so all the dependencies are wrong. Wally: I'm changing all of my estimates to "to be determined". Dilbert: Can we do that?!  I've been using random numbers Co-Worker: I'll have to redo the whole plan. Wally: Don't worry.  We won't do anything until we hear from you.
19940523	Dilbert: Did you remember what the steering committee decided about my project? Pointy Haired Boss: Nope. Pointy Haired Boss: You'd better call a meeting with all the department heads.  Their orders will override the steering committee and make it a moot point. Dilbert: It will take months to get on all of their calendars. Pointy Haired Boss: And don't invite yourself.  It's for leaders only.
19940524	Boss: I was just reading your project status report. You say the project is delayed "due to the ongoing bungling of a clueless, pointy-haired individual." Instead of saying "due to," it would read better as "facilitated by." 
19940525	Boss: I'm canceling your project so I can give your funding to a project that has a much cooler acronym. Dilbert: Ha! The joke's on you! I anticipated this move from the beginning and have done nothing but carry empty binders for weeks! Being good at your job is less fulfilling than you might think, Dogbert. 
19940526	Ratbert: Why is that thing called a mouse and not a rat? At the risk of being labeled, quote, politically correct, unquote, I must object. I demand to have something named in my honor! Dilbert: What about the "Scuzzy" interface? Heehee. 
19940527	Ratbert: From now on, Bob, please refer to me as a "rattus," not by the diminutive term "rat." Bob: Frankly, I've never thought of folks like you in terms of your genus. I see you as part of a larger community. Ratbert: Really? Bob: Yeah -- the community of things that go "squeak" when I step on them. Ratbert: That's so funny I forgot to laugh. 
19940528	Ratbert: From now on, I prefer that you not refer to my genus by the derogatory word "rat." The correct word is "rattus." It is the right of any group to define its own name. You must respect that. Dogbert: Don't call me a dog anymore. From now on my correct name is "smarter-than-a-stupid-rattus." 
19940530	Dogbert: I recently received this angry letter from a Mister "Dork." Mr. Dork informs me that the many people surnamed Dork are not amused that I once used the word "dorkage." He demands an apology. I apologize to all the dorks who were offended. I hope we can put this behind us. 
19940531	Boss: Dilbert, I'm sending you to "Diversity Sensitivity" training. Alice doesn't have to go because chicks are born already knowing this stuff. It's as natural as shopping and crying. Dilbert: Can I get a "Midol" for either one of you? (Whump. Whump. Whump.) 
19940601	Wally: I can't believe we had to go to "Diversity Sensitivity" training. Dilbert: Wally, I don't see how it could be bad to seek a better understanding of others. Uh-oh. Dogbert: Take a seat in the "dumpy white guy section." I'm ready to start. 
19940602	Dogbert: In "Diversity Sensitivity" training you will learn to respect those who are different. People basically fall into these four groups. Board: Ugly Smart / Cute Smart / Ugly Stupid / Cute Stupid. Dilbert: This is different than I expected. Dogbert: I notice that all of you are in this box here. 
19940603	Dogbert: In this sensitivity exercise, close your eyes and imagine how it feels to be a woman. Wally: People acknowledge my existence. They smile for no reason and hold the door open. I'm...I'm popular. Ted: I can't find my keys. Wally: I'm never going back. I can't. I won't. Ted: My blouse falls to the floor... Dogbert: Break! Break! 
19940604	Boss: You've got inflation eating you from the bottom...and no real opportunity for a promotion. And as long as all the other companies are downsizing too, you have no leverage. I can get away with anything. Dilbert: I miss the eighties. Boss: Does this hurt? 
19940606	Dilbert: Is Bob in his office? Secretary: Since Bob's office is all of twenty feet away, I'll have to use my psychic powers to determine the answer. Dilbert: I could look. Secretary: Bob hates you. He secretly wishes you'd choke on a donut. 
19940607	Boss: This desktop video conference thing is great! Even though you're telecommuting, you still maintain a level of professionalism. Dilbert: Let's share a document next time. 
19940608	Pointy haired boss: I saw the code for your computer program yesterday. Pointy haired boss: It looked easy. It's just a bunch of typing, and half the words were spelled wrong. Pointy haired boss: And don't get me started on your overuse of colons. Dilbert: They remind me of you, sir. 
19940609	Dilbert: If I start the project today and work nights and weekends it will take...oh, six months. Boss: It has to be done in ONE month so we can show it to our VP on her annual visit. Dilbert: I have to know; Does it even cross your mind to handle this differently? Boss: I'll need daily status reports on why you're so behind. 
19940610	Dilbert: I've never seen you do any real work around here, Irv. How do you get away with it? Irv: I wrote the code for our accounting system back in the mid-eighties. It's a million lines of undocumented spaghetti logic. Dilbert: It's the holy grail of technology!! Irv: You boys may find a little extra in your envelopes this month. 
19940611	Ratbert: I wish I were smart like you. Then I'd get some respect. Garbageman: We're all smart in different ways. Your special gift may be creativity, a talent, or even the ability to love. Ratbert: I can burp my cheeks full...Urp* Garbageman: I'd go with that if I were you. 
19940613	Boss: EMERGENCY ASSIGNMENT!! URGENT! URGENT! Dilbert: It's only critical because everything sits on your desk until it either becomes moot or a crisis. Boss: From now on I'm giving him the moots. Bins: Aging / Crises / Moot. 
19940614	Boss: The company cares deeply about the effects of long hours and stress on the workers. So they're paying nearly $200 to have an expert on stress-reduction give a talk during lunch. Dilbert: Just when you think they don't care, something like this comes along. Boss: It's scheduled for last Tuesday. 
19940615	Dilbert: I joined the soccer league. I've never played, but as an engineer I have a natural instinct for ball trajectory and passing angles. Dogbert: Where does the team play? Dilbert: Coach doesn't want to ruin my concentration by telling me. 
19940616	Coach: Dilbert, You'll be playing the left striker position. One of our good players will try to strike you in the head with the ball and bank it in the goal. Liz: "It" being the ball, not your head. Dilbert: I'd better take off my glasses. Liz: No, don't. I included their dampening effect in my calculations. 
19940617	(Bonk.) Dilbert: Gee, I've scored five goals that way. Liz: You've got a good head for this game. 
19940618	Dilbert: Liz, I noticed you're not wearing a ring. Would you like to go for a pizza after the game. Liz: Oh, I do have a ring. It's so big I can't wear it. A team of eunuchs follows me around with it in a special van. Dilbert: Flop-sweat time. Liz: You're gullible. I like that. 
19940620	Boss: We've never needed a corporate headhunter before, but now it's the only way to solve our staffing problem. Dogbert: Are you aware that headhunters find NEW employees? We don't behead the ones you already have. Boss: I don't suppose you'd be flexible... Dogbert: I could find a disgruntled ex-post office employee for you. 
19940621	Dogbert: Hello, this is Dogbert's professional headhunting service. I find jobs for the most talented technical professionals. Several people mentioned your name. So, is it true they'll be looking for somebody to fill your job soon? Hello? 
19940622	Caption: Dogbert the headhunter. Dogbert: The job pays a hundred thousand. But you'll have to move to a place so cold that mercury freezes. Prospect: I'll take it. How bad could it be? Dogbert: Keep your drivers license on you so you can look up your gender if you forget. 
19940623	Dogbert: This is Dogbert's headhunting service. I've got a job that pays a hundred thousand per year and requires no skill whatsoever. No, I didn't say it's available. I called to brag about my own job. 
19940624	Liz: I'm a nineties kind of woman. I demand equality but the man must pay for dinner. And recent surveys show that many women my age think it's okay to slap a man. Dilbert: Really? Did they name the man? Liz: Don't make me come over there. 
19940625	Liz: I can tell that you like me because you don't quite know what to do with your hands. To test my hypothesis I will hold this hand and observe the change. The "control" hand remains limp and clammy. It's twin loses control. Hypothesis confirmed. (Thupa thupa thupa thupa thupa.) 
19940627	Dogbert: I'm going to start my own book publishing company so I can reject people all day long. I'll dismiss their life's work with a gesture and a witty comment. Bottom line, I'm just not a people person. Dilbert: I've noticed. 
19940628	Dilbert: How's the book publishing business coming along? Dogbert: Great! I get to reject dozens of authors every day! I call them untalented dolts and they THANK me for it. Dilbert: Eventually, you have to actually publish something. Dogbert: Yeah, well, that's the conventional wisdom. 
19940629	Caption: Dogbert the publisher. Dogbert: I'd like to publish your book. All it needs are a few minor changes. Make the main character a purple dinosaur instead of a detective. Add some upbeat songs and eliminate the murder. Writer: It's a murder mystery!! Dogbert: Oh, that's original. 
19940630	Caption: Dogbert the publisher. Memo: Dear Tim, Your book does not meet our current publishing needs. Your plot was lame and I hated your characters. And by association I have come to hate you too. For safety reasons, I hired an illiterate person to rip up your manuscript. I would use the return envelope you provided but I'm afraid you might have licked the stamps. 
19940701	Dilbert: I think I found a woman who likes me, Dogbert. Dogbert: No way! Dilbert: It's Phil, prince of insufficient light! Phil: Heck just froze over. Dilbert: This is NOT my fault! Phil: Tell them. 
19940702	Dilbert: This was our third date, Liz. Tradition demands that you kiss me or give me the "let's be friends" talk. Liz: No, our first date only counted as 85% of a date because we were wearing our sweat pants. Dilbert: I'm only 15% short?!! Liz: It's too bad, because I really felt like kissing. 
19940704	Dilbert: Here's my daily project status report. Memo: "Morale is low. There is talk of mutiny. We dream of quitting and becoming lifeguards on Baywatch. Death to the pointy-haired one." Boss: Holy cow! "Baywatch" is hiring??! 
19940705	Boss: Do you remember when the company president visited? You asked why your project had been canceled. He promised to get an answer. That task has been delegated all the way back down to me. I'd like you to craft a response for me. You'll have to put your new project on hold until this is done. 
19940706	Dilbert: Uh-oh...It's never good when we get mail from the benefits department. Memo: "Retire NOW or we'll invest your entire pension in Haitian penny stocks." Dilbert: Have you notices a change in tone lately? Wally: Little do they know I'm a contrarian investor. 
19940707	Ratbert: Dogbert told me about the birds and the bees. The bee part confuses me. It seems like I'd get stung. And as for the birds, I just wouldn't know the words to say. Dilbert: Try a humming bird. 
19940708	Ratbert: My philosophy is "If life gives you lemons, make lemonade." Of course, the whole thing depends heavily on life also providing a big pitcher with ice and a few glasses. WHAT? NO NAPKINS?! 
19940709	Dogbert: As my dogumentary begins, we see the engineer hard at work. Suddenly he leaps into action! Years of training and experience come into focus! The screen saver has been deactivated. But doubt sets in...Was there a better way? Dilbert: I should have moved the mouse. 
19940711	Dogbert: I'm starting a new career as a technology pundit and columnist. This mostly involves forming angry opinions about things I haven't got the time to understand. "Is the RISC processor appropriate for senior citizens? Hello!! Is anybody home?!!" 
19940712	Dilbert: What makes you think you're qualified to be a technology columnist? Dogbert: It's easy. In this article I explain why I'm smarter than the entire Microsoft corporation. Dilbert: Actually, they're mostly geniuses and many are millionaires. Dogbert: If they're so smart, why aren't they columnists? 
19940713	Dilbert: I oppose putting career criminals in jail for life. There's no evidence that longer sentences reduce crime. Dogbert: So, your theory is that when career criminals are in jail, other people commit more crimes to keep the average up... Dilbert: Statistics don't lie, Dogbert. Dogbert: Unless bad statistics went to jail -- then the others WOULD lie. 
19940714	Employee: So now I have Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. Boss: Zzzz. Employee: You don't care about the health of your employees! All you care about is money!! Boss: Money? Employee: I NEED SURGERY! I'M IN CONSTANT AGONY!! Boss: False alarm. Zzz. 
19940716	Co-worker: I guess it's time to go back to my dimly lit cubicle and see if my carpal tunnel has crippled me yet. This is a lot like my last job as a coal miner, but without the threat of a gas explosion. Boss: I'm moving you to a new cubicle over by Wally. Dilbert: Better get a canary. 
19940718	Caption: GREAT SOLUTIONS IN ENGINEERING. Problem: Bicycle seats are hard. They hurt. Analysis: There must be something wrong with your pants. Dogbert: Solution: Dorky pants. 
19940719	Ratbert: I may not be smart and I may not be attractive... BUT I AM AERODYNAMIC!! Dilbert: That might come in handy in a minute. Ratbert: Blow on me. 
19940720	Dogbert: I got a job as the head of market research at your company. I'll be pulling down $120K per year. I don't value other people's opinions so I'll just use my own. Just for reference, how much does honesty pay these days? Dilbert: Shut up. 
19940721	Dogbert: In market research terms, you belong to the "techno geek" segments. You're shy, boring, gullible and male. You prefer computers to people. There's always a spider on your arm. Made you look. 
19940722	Dogbert: I'd like your opinion for my market research, Ratbert. Ratbert: Me?!! Dogbert: I've lumped you in the market segment that includes wild fungi and pencil erasers. Question one: Would you enjoy having your head rubbed vigorously on a piece of paper? Ratbert: Who wouldn't? 
19940723	Dogbert: My market research indicated that 50% of your customers are above the median age. But the shocking discovery was that 50% were BELOW the median age. Boss: What percent are exactly the median age? Dogbert: I'm proposing to study that in phase two. 
19940725	Dilbert: It seems almost unnatural for me to have an actual girlfriend. Liz: Why? Dilbert: It's like when the captain on "Star Trek" falls in love, and you know the woman will die in an unlikely accident. Hey! We just saw our first shooting star! 
19940726	Ratbert: A hush comes over the crowd. This would be Ratbert's most difficult dive. Dilbert: I give it a two. Ratbert: The judges were cruel but Ratbert captured the hearts of the audience. Endorsements would follow. 
19940727	Boss: From now on, twenty percent of your pay will depend on the company meeting its sales targets. In effect, we'll cut your pay and tell you it's your own darn fault. Dilbert: Will the sales target be based on a complex formula and involve numbers that can't be accurately measured? Boss: You broke the code! 
19940728	Boss: Our CEO will visit here next week. You all know what to do. Dilbert: We should stop all productive work and create overhead transparencies that exaggerate our value. Boss: And a few of our uglier co-workers will be replaced by actors. Dilbert: As long as it's not Gerard Depardieu. 
19940729	Pointy haired boss: Have you summarized your accomplishments for our CEO? Dilbert: Almost done. Dilbert: Okay -- My body converts toxic waste into penicillin, I'm clairvoyant, and I invented wool. Pointy haired boss: I thought sheep invented wool. Dilbert: Who are you going to believe, them or me? 
19940730	Pointy haired boss: Our CEO cancelled his visit. He's sending his top aid, Zimbu the monkey, in his place. Dilbert: Isn't that typical? I spent a week exaggerating my accomplishments for this. Now he sends a stupid monkey! Dilbert: What could be more humiliating than trying to suck-up to a monkey?  Zimbu the Monkey: Failing at it? 
19940731	Boss: I'd like to boost morale by presenting this "attaboy" certificate to Willy. Wally: It's Wally, not Willy. Boss: "I" becomes an "A" with a dot over it. Anyway, this is for your good work on the Alpha project. Wally: Thanks, but I didn't work on the Alpha project. Boss: GET OUT OF MY SIGHT, YOU LAZY IMPOSTER!!! With a little bit of luck, I can pull this out. I give you your Indian name: "Wallyina." 
19940801	Boss: We've hired the Dogbert ad agency to give our company a new image. Dogbert: I used a computer to suggest a new hi-tech name for your company. The program randomly combines words from astronomy and electronics. The first choice is "Uranus-Hertz." Boss: I like it. Alternative strip: Boss: Mark, I'd like you to... Mark: AAAGH! Sure, sure...I'll do it, but I'll have this expression the whole time. And just maybe I'll complain behind your back!! Boss: Never mind. I'll do it myself. Mark: Oh, right, keep the GOOD assignments. 
19940802	Caption: Dogbert's ad agency. Dogbert: I've developed a new slogan that captures the essence of this company. "We abuse our employees and pass the savings to you." We'll film actual employees in their squalid cubicles. Boss: Wear that shirt. 
19940803	Caption: Dogbert's ad agency. Dogbert: Your commercials should compare your BEST assets to the competitions WORST. We'll use a hidden camera to film your employees on the job. Boss: I missed something here... Dogbert: We'll imply that they all work for the competition. This isn't a documentary. 
19940804	Caption: Dogbert's ad agency. Dogbert: The commercial will show company cars braking hard to avoid pedestrians. The message is "We care about people we don't even know!" Boss: Was it dangerous to film this? Dogbert: We'll sell the bloopers to Dick Clark. 
19940805	Dilbert: Here's the final decision for project "zebra." I worked day and night for weeks to finish it on time. Boss: I canceled that project a month ago. I meant to tell you. Dilbert: In some countries it would be legal to kill you with this binder. Boss: That's why I don't travel. 
19940806	Cat: Thanks for inviting me over, Dogbert. We little hairless cats are usually shunned. (FSSS.) Dilbert: I would have bet anything that that wouldn't work. Dogbert: Now the goldfish. Cat: Hair!! 
19940807	Boss: Laurie's our new engineer. Show her the ropes, Dilbert. I meant figuratively. Dilbert: This is your anti-productivity pod. It's equipped with a little device that rings anytime you try to concentrate. The top is open so none of the background noise is inadvertently muffled. And you're on the main aisle, so you'll be haunted every minute by footsteps behind you. Step. Step. Step... Boss: We need to talk. 
19940808	Liz: We've been dating for a while and I find you oddly appealing... But I don't believe in getting physical until after I'm married. Dilbert: Wouldn't your husband get mad? Liz: Sometimes it's okay just to look sad and shut up. 
19940809	Dogbert: I don't understand something, Liz. You told Dilbert you don't want to be physical until after marriage... I would expect him to be cranky around the house, yet he's quite relaxed...serene. I don't see how...unless... Did you discover religion? Dilbert: I think I'm a Unitarian. 
19940810	Boss: Profits are down again this quarter. Engineers: That's bad. Boss: Starting tomorrow, you'll have to bring your own pencils to the office. Engineers: That's bad. Boss: And you'll have to sell them out on the sidewalk. Engineers: That's bad. 
19940811	Boss: This will be a tough year for the company. It will take a special kind of team to get by. Alice: Go team! Ted: Team! Team! Wally: Yes! Boss: Specifically, it will take a much smaller team. 
19940812	Dilbert: Wally, you're invited to a "still single" shower in my honor. I'm trying to recoup all the money I've blown on wedding gifts and baby showers. Alice: Someone's feeling a little bitter today. Dilbert: I have a pattern registered at "Electron Hut." 
19940813	Dogbert: And now I will give you my impression of a dog in space. Physical humor is a lost art. Dilbert: Let me know if you find it. 
19940814	Captions: "Friends" explained. A very special "Dilbert." Close friends. Woman 1: May I borrow your gum? Woman 2: Sure. Reach in and take what you need. Caption: "Buddies." Man 1: Can I borrow your hammer? Man 2: Why not use your forehead as usual? Caption: Work friends. Dilbert: So, how's your wife? Wally: Dead. Same as last week. Caption: Boyfriend/girlfriend (stereotypical view). Woman: Love. Man: Lust. Caption: Boyfriend/girlfriend (modern correct view). Woman: Lust. Man: Television. Caption: Platonic friends. Woman: Television? Man: Lust. Caption: Man's best friend. Dogbert: By my estimate there are 26 billion females who do NOT desire you. Dilbert: Name them. 
19940815	Wally: Hey, Matt. How's our favorite management fast-tracker? Matt: Great! I've got two minutes to deliver my big report to our CEO. Can you tell me where the fax is? (Bzzzzp.) Wally: Oops, I'm wrong. That's the shredder. Dilbert: He'll go far in this company. 
19940816	Dilbert: I spent the entire day getting new assignments which left no time to actually work on anything. Dilbert: Tomorrow I'll spend the entire day explaining why I didn't finish yesterday's work. Dilbert: Sometimes I don't know the difference between me and a hamster on a wheel. Dogbert: Hamsters don't depress me.
19940817	Pointy haired boss: Our two goals this year are to downsize and to improve customer service. Dilbert: Question: How can you improve service if you're getting rid of service people? Pointy haired boss: Who do you think is screwing up the customer service? Duh...
19940818	Pointy haired boss: You're fired, Wally. But since we care, we've contracted an outplacement agency to help you. Pointy haired boss: You'll get your own cubicle. And you can make all the photocopies you want! Wally: What would I want to photocopy? Pointy haired boss: Food stamps, dollar bills, that sort of thing.
19940819	Dogbert: Welcome to the Dogbert outplacement agency, or "DDA" as I call it. Here, nobody is "unemployed." You're freelance consultants who sit in cubicles and earn no money. Every cubicle is equipped with a phone and a refurbished ego. Ego: I will NOT work with that thing. 
19940820	Ratbert: I discovered I can look interested in what people are saying by making my eyes big. Ratbert: Go ahead - say something. I'm ready. Dilbert: I'm trying to get some work done here. Ratbert: Work, you say? Very interesting.
19940821	Boss: Your proposal doesn't address the alternatives. Dilbert: There aren't any reasonable alternatives. Boss: THERE ARE ALWAYS ALTERNATIVES! GIVE ME ALTERNATIVES!! No wonder nothing gets done around here -- not enough alternatives. Dilbert: "We could lobby the government to give tax breaks to all idiot-run businesses." "I could quit this stupid job and start a new career handing out towels at the gym." "Or we could use cow chips instead of microchips and save millions." Boss: What's a cow chip? Dilbert: This job would be an example. 
19940822	Dilbert: The only way to finish the project on time is by adding four engineers. Wally: There's one other option. You could make menacing statements about Dilbert's job security until he works five times as hard. Wally: Just kidding. Hee hee! Pointy haired boss: I've been thinking about reducing headcount.
19940823	Sign: Genetic research. Dogbert: I'd like you to clone an army of obedient slaves for me. I plan to conquer the world and have dominion over all living things. Scientist: I mostly work on giant cucumbers. Dogbert: Mix in some arms and legs and give me two packages of seeds. 
19940824	Dilbert: What are you planting? Dogbert: I'm growing an army of genetic mutants to do my bidding. Half man, half giant cucumber, these unthinking brutes will help me conquer the earth! Dilbert: Didn't you try this with sea monkeys last year? Dogbert: None of them survived boot camp. 
19940825	Dogbert: I created you cucumber mutants to assist me in my bid for world domination! Caption: Bulletin. I interrupt this strip because the whole giant cucumber theme isn't as funny as I thought it would be. Let's go directly to the big finish. Scott. Dogbert: Then Waldo grabbed the "salad shooter." There were peels everywhere! Dilbert: Sounds like quite a pickle. 
19940826	Boss: Sue was hired to run our new "dignity enhancement" program. Her charter is to help the employees feel good about themselves while they work harder for less money. Dilbert: How can we afford to hire somebody new? Boss: Do you remember those co-workers you used to have? 
19940827	Dilbert: I am the king of my cubicle, the absolute ruler of this tiny realm. And these are my loyal subjects: Mister Computer, Mister Stapler, and the Binder family. Wally: Who spilled the coffee? Dilbert: The barbarian is thwarted at the moat. 
19940828	Dilbert: The image is fuzzy because the monitor has an acute design flaw. Alice: Acute?  That's an unusual choice of words. Alice: Would you have said "acute" to a male co-worker?  I think not. Dilbert: It means crucial, that's all!! Alice: I know what the word means!  Do you think I don't see right through your sexist puns?! Dilbert: No!  I swear, it was just a poor choice of words!! Alice: Well okay I accept your apology this time Alice: So, what's wrong with the other monitor? Dilbert: Which?
19940829	Pointy Haired Boss: I want all of you to prepare reports explaining why your jobs shouldn't be outsourced to consultants. Dilbert: "It is my job to write this report.  But if I were a consultant it would make no sense to compare me to myself.  Outsourcing is illogical. Dilbert: For some reason, I'm not taking as much pride in my work lately.
19940830	Dilbert: I'm going to take classes at night and get an MBA. Dilbert: I don't need a big-name school.  I'm in this for knowledge, not prestige. Dogbert: How about "Tony's House of MBA's"? Dilbert: The babe ratio is better at "MBA-o-rama".
19940831	Dilbert: I'd stay and work some unpaid overtime with you but I'm taking MBA classes. Dilbert: If you took MBA classes you'd understand that working for free is a low NPV. Dilbert: If you don't mind, before big tests I'd like to rub your head for luck. Wally: It'll cost you a nickel.
19940901	Instructor: Let's start with a brief refresher in macro economics. This diagram explains why I'm an expert in money yet I dress like a flood victim. Board: $; Lottery; i-->V; GNP; 4pzi; 10^3; Luck; E=MC^2; New; Coke. Instructor: You'll have no trouble with the rest of the course unless your mechanical pencil jammed...Let's erase... 
19940902	Dogbert: I don't know how you do it.  You work all day and now you take classes at night. Dogbert: It's hard, but you're gaining knowledge that couldn't be obtained any other way. Dilbert: Whump Dilbert: Hey!  I can hold eleven "Cheerios" in my nose! Dogbert: And it's knowledge you can apply.
19940903	How Decisions Are Made Pointy Haired Boss: 1 - 2 - 3 Pointy Haired Boss: Rock!  Scissors! Pointy Haired Boss: Your project is approved . . . unless scissors can't cut rock. Dilbert: Assume it's sheet rock.
19940904	Dogbert: Pssst. Dogbert: You're probably noticing how soft and cute I am. Woman: Aww!  You're adorable!  Let me give you a little pet on the head. Dogbert: I couldn't.  I'm too shy. Woman: Shy?  That is just so cute I have to pet you now. Woman: Come here, you little tease!  You know you'll like it! Dilbert: Don't you understand the word "No"?! Dilbert: I could do this all day long. Dogbert: How about the red-head?
19940905	Dogbert: From now on, I'm going to charge anybody who gives me their opinion. Dogbert: People are idiots.  If I have to listen to their opinions, I deserve compensation. Dilbert: You're forgetting that "from the mouths of babes . . . comes . . . something good". Dogbert: That'll cost you a buck.
19940906	Dogbert: People are so stupid they should pay me to listen to their opinions. Dogbert: If you disagree, you can call my phone poll at 555-DOG-BERT.  Each call costs two dollars. Ratbert: I'm voting twice.
19940907	Pointy Haired Boss: We'll be getting a new "Bungee Boss" sometime today. Bungee Boss: Sproing Bungee Boss: Hi-I'm-your-new-boss-let's-change-everything-before-I-get-reassigned-oops-too-late-goodbye. Wally: He was like a mentor to me. Dilbert: I think he made a difference. Pointy Haired Boss: Incoming!
19940908	Dogbert: I'd like a job where I can telecommute every day. Dogbert: It should be high-paying yet have goals which can't be measured. Pointy Haired Boss: So, you'd stay home and we'd mail you checks? Dogbert: I was hoping for direct deposit.
19940909	Dilbert: This chart shows the decision process we're using for my project. Dilbert: Here we're wasting money.  Then someone said "Hey, let's create a complicated chart".  Now we're at this meeting, talking about the chart. Pointy Haired Boss: I have a question. Dilbert: Great . . . there goes the plan.
19940910	Pointy Haired Boss: Work harder or I'll have you put in the "Box". Dilbert: Really?  I thought I was already in the box. Dilbert: Is the box bigger than my cubicle? Pointy Haired Boss: These people are totally unmanageable.
19940911	Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: Stop right there! Dilbert: It's Phil, the Prince of Insufficient Light! Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: What's in your hands? Dilbert: I'm just borrowing some paper for the laser printer.  There's no law against that! Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: I think we both know that the copier paper and the printer paper are purchased and tracked separately. Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: You've made a mockery of the system!  I darn you to Heck! Phil, Prince of Insufficient Light: Your punishment is to sit at the secretary's cubicle and endure the stale wit of your co-workers. Wally: Hey, Wendy.  There's something different about you today!
19940912	Ratbert the Optimist Ratbert: I feel lucky today. Ratbert: Lucky, lucky, lucky. Ratbert: I think a hat just blew onto my head!! Catbert:
19940913	Dogbert: Bob, I'll yank the cat off of Ratbert's head and you stomp on it! (YANK. Stomp.) Dogbert: I could have phrased that better. Ratbert: I'm not an optimist anymore. 
19940914	Dogbert: You're not welcome here, cat. It's against house rules to eat Ratbert. Catbert: My work here is not done until I have pounced on my natural enemy. Dilbert: Who are you, and what are you doing on my keyboard? 
19940915	Dilbert: GET OFF MY KEYBOARD, CAT, OR ELSE! Catbert: Watch me act like I don't even hear you. Ctrl-alt-del. Dilbert: DOGBERT! 
19940916	Dogbert: You have to go, cat. You have no value to us. Catbert: Actually, my mere existence will widen your demographic appeal and make you immortal. Ratbert: Oh...a cat...THAT'S original. Dogbert: Give it a rest, "Mickey." Catbert: Purr. 
19940917	Dilbert: This item will require your usual executive-style decision. You know: Keep it on your desk for three weeks, then sneak it back to my cubicle with an illegible question scrawled in the margin. Or for your convenience, I have made no copies; so you can lose the original and claim you gave it back to me. Boss: Hmm. 
19940918	Dogbert: Remember, it's not a pyramid scam, it's a marketing breakthrough. Dogbert: The beauty of it is a new recruit is born every minute. Dilbert: Are we guaranteed to become amazingly wealthy? Wally: While being our own boss? Dogbert: Yes, unless you're lazy or ethical. Dogbert: Each person you recruit pays you one thousand dollars. The recruits get their own recruits and charge them two thousand, and so on. Dogbert: Eventually, every person on Earth will be giving you money and that adds up. Dilbert: You can't argue with the math. Wally: I feel like we're a big family. Dilbert: The best part is that every person on Earth will get rich! Dogbert: Actually, the last recruit kinda gets it in the shorts. 
19940919	Dilbert: I'm going to the big technology show. Dogbert: What do you do there? Dilbert: I will wade through a vast sea of mostly curly-haired guys with facial hair and glasses. And I will look at thousands of indistinct products. It's like salmon returning to its birthplace. Dogbert: But without the spawning opportunities. 
19940920	Caption: Trade show registration. Registrar: Men without facial hair are not allowed on the exhibition floor. We have rental beards for your convenience. That model comes with pipe-scented suspenders. It's very popular with our portly attendees. 
19940921	Caption: At the trade show. Dilbert: Uh-oh. A vendor is scanning me. I'm caught in a tractor beam! Red alert! Red alert! Losing life support systems. Zzzz. Vendor: ...And it can even calculate fractions! 
19940922	Manager: The project requirements are forming in my mind. Now they're changing...changing...changing...changing...Okay. No, wait...changing...changing...done. Naturally, I won't be sharing any of these thoughts with engineering. Dilbert: I budgeted for some goons to beat it out of you. 
19940923	Dilbert: I hired Bob the dinosaur to beat you with his tail until you give me the project requirements. Manager: Ha!!! I'll double your fee if you thump Dilbert instead. Dilbert: I'll triple your fee! He can't really pay you "infinity plus one." Bob: I wonder how much that is on an hourly basis. 
19940924	Dilbert: I filled out the confidential questionnaire about your style of management. I hope it's useful for that management class you're taking. Only your instructor sees those, right? Boss: Right. Dilbert: I think I played that about right. Boss: Ooh. Good marks! And it says he trusts me too! 
19940925	Pointy haired boss: It has come to my attention that you used the Fax for personal business.  Dilbert: I sent the fax during lunch. It was a local call. Pointy haired boss: You're using up all of our fax paper. Dilbert: No, I sent a fax. The paper doesn't travel through the phone lines. Pointy haired boss: Really? Pointy haired boss: You used the company's electricity. Dilbert: I had a friend fax us a wad of extra electricity. Dilbert: I'm using it right now to power my PC. Pointy haired boss: Did you get any extra electricity? My PC is out. Dilbert: Press the button on the back and I'll fax you some. 
19940926	Dilbert: I invited Saint Dogbert to bludgeon anybody who strays from the agenda into something stupid. Engineer: That reminds me of the productization of our Tiger team's priority matrix. Alice: Actually, that was on the agenda. Dogbert: Oops. Carry on. 
19940927	VP: I'm running late. But since I'm a vice president you'll have to wait in the hallway. You'll be able to judge your relative worth by observing what things I do while you wait. Dilbert: He's teaching himself the banjo. 
19940928	Pointy haired boss: This cartoon seems to be saying that management decisions are a joke. Pointy haired boss: Cartoons are not allowed on cubicles it hurts morale. I don't want to see this when I return. Pointy haired boss: I've noticed a real improvement in morale since you removed the cartoon. Dilbert:
19940929	Pointy haired boss: Our new strategy is to make defective products and charge for technical support. Pointy haired boss: Heh-heh... Our user manual is totally incomprehensible. We didn't plan it that way - we were lucky. Dilbert: I'm so proud to be here. Pointy haired boss: It all came together when I realized I hate our customers. Wally: Alice:
19940930	Dilbert: We could design the product with a simple point-and-click interface... Dilbert: Or we could require the user to choose among thousands of poorly documented commands, each of which must be typed exactly right on the first try. Dilbert: Bear in mind, we'll never meet a customer ourselves. Pointy haired boss: Make it so they have to reboot after every typo.
19941001	Dilbert: Wally? I thought you got fired. Wally: I did. Wally: But people outside the company appear smarter. So they hired me back as a consultant for way more money. Wally: Did you understand that? Don't feel embarrassed to ask for help on the hard stuff.
19941002	Dilbert: Dogbert! Come here! I've done it! Dilbert: I created a mathematical proof of the existance of god! Dogbert: Give it to me. Dogbert: This is a job for the world's smartest garbage man. World's smartest garbage man: What can I do for you, Dogbert? Dogbert: Check this math. World's smartest garbage man: Clever... But he transposed some variables. This proves the existence of his dog. World's smartest garbage man: Now we know you exist. And I must exist because "I think, therefore I am." Dogbert: But since Dilbert wasn't thinking when he made this error, there's no proof that he exists. Dilbert: Hey! World's smartest garbage man: Did you just hear something, Dogbert? Dogbert: There's no way to be sure.
19941003	Dogbert: The Dogbert consulting company has reviewed the executive compensation plan as you requested. Dogbert: My conclusion is that you're already hideously overpaid. I'm recommending ninety percent pay cuts and a whack in the head for each of you. Executive: I'll bet you don't get much repeat business. Dogbert: Oh yeah, as if I'd want to spend more time with you.
19941004	Dilbert: How's the job going, Anne? Anne: Much better, now that I've given up sleep, exercise and nutrition in favor of coffee. Dilbert: Any adverse effects? Anne: This is the aorta of the last person who asked me that.
19941005	Pointy haired boss: I decided to cut your project funding in half but keep the objectives the same. Pointy haired boss: It's a brilliant plan. We get all the benefits at half the costs! Dilbert: Why is it that the nuttiest people define reality? Pointy haired boss: And why couldn't I rewrite the business case to increase revenue?
19941006	Pointy haired boss: In addition to my current duties, I'll be managing the marketing group. Pointy haired boss: The marketing job opened because the previous manager got run down in the parking lot. Pointy haired boss: When they needed a good manager, they knew where to look. Dilbert: Under your bumper?
19941007	Boss: I've never managed marketing people before. But a good manager can manage anything. So...I order you to do good marketing things...like segmenting and focus groups. And keep on focusing and segmenting until we dominate the industry!!! Marketer: Well, I'm motivated. 
19941008	Boss: Two people in a focus group loved our product. So we're doubling our production. Dilbert: The opinions of two people are not statistically useful. ...Especially if you're one of the two people. Boss: I knew those free sandwiches were too good to be true. 
19941009	Ted: I brought Dilbert in case you have any technical questions about our product. Client: Heh-heh. Engineers don't know how to lie. The truth will be mine. Ted: Uh-oh. Client: Ted said your product is bug-free. Is that true, Dilbert? Dilbert: Well... Yes, that's true. Dilbert: I mean. Basically true. Technically true. Sort of. Dilbert: No-o-o!! It's a lie! All the bugs were reclassified as security features just to make the ship date!! Dilbert: And we both think you could be attractive if you'd just do something with your hair. Ted: Why did I bring you along? Dilbert: The evidence suggests that you're stupid.
19941010	Ted: I predict sales to be nothing for two years and then take a sudden surge. Dilbert: Why? Slide: Sales. Ted: The surge was added so I could get the business case approved. The two-year lag gives me time to get promoted. Slide: Sales. Dilbert: What about accountability? Ted: That's where you come in. 
19941011	Dogbert: I'm writing a book of my guesses about future trends. If it gets published then my guesses will seem more valid than other people's. I'll charge huge fees to share my "vision" with audiences. Dilbert: Why would people pay huge fees for guesses? Dogbert: Trend number one is that people aren't getting any smarter. 
19941012	Caption: Dogbert the futurist. Dogbert: Someday keyboards will be replaced by motion-sensing rings on your fingers... The computer screen will be projected in your glasses as a 3-D image. Caption: These developments will not enhance the image of technical professionals. Dilbert: Are you an engineer? Moron: I'm a moron. Common mistake. 
19941013	Caption: Dogbert the futurist. Dogbert: Society will become divided into technology "haves" and "have nots." Eventually the two groups will take different evolutionary paths. Then, as now, the "have nots" will be the policy makers. Oog: Oog make mission statement. 
19941014	Dogbert: I can predict the future by assuming that money and male hormones are the driving forces for new technology. Therefore, when virtual reality gets cheaper than dating, society is doomed. Caption: Year 2004. Woman: Is Dilbert available? Dogbert: He's been on the holodeck since March. 
19941015	Wally: I've given up on the whole dating scene. I've decided to reproduce by asexual cell division. Dilbert: I didn't realize that was an option. Wally: You never know until you try. Dilbert: I think I'll steer clear of here for a while. Wally: Divide! Divide! 
19941016	Pointy haired boss: I just had my annual meeting with our vice president. Pointy haired boss: We decided to combine your project with project "Big Foot" because they're basically the same. Dilbert: They're NOT the same! It only seems like it to you because you don't understand either project! Pointy haired boss: Oh well, It's too late to do anything. I told him they were the same. Dilbert: Just call him and say you were wrong.  Pointy haired boss: I can see why you're not in management.  Pointy haired boss: The logical solution is to wait for the next budget cut and eliminate your project, thus solving two problems. Dilbert: There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.
19941017	Pointy haired boss: I put together a time line for your project. Pointy haired boss: I started by reasoning that anything I don't understand is easy to do. Pointy haired boss: Phase one: Design a client-server architecture for our world-wide operations. Time: Six minutes. Dilbert:
19941018	Caption: Executive board room. Executive1: Our competitors are kicking our pasty white rumps. I'm bringing in Dogbert to fire employees until we're stronger than the competition. Executive2: How will the work get done with no employees? Executive1: I'd better form a task force to study that. 
19941019	Dogbert: I've been asked to reduce headcount. To be fair about it I created a scientific algorithm to decide who goes. Employee: I thought you were firing the people with the highest salaries. Dogbert: Okay, maybe "algorithm" is an overstatement. 
19941020	Dogbert: Great news -- you're fired! You get a generous severance package, two week's vacation, AND we hire you back as a contractor for more money!! Engineer: And I can telecommute if I want, but since dress codes don't apply to me... Wally: Aargh! Dilbert: (Bonk. Bonk.) 
19941021	Contractor: It looks like you're off to a three-hour staff meeting that doesn't apply to me. I'm glad I'm a highly-paid contractor. I'll be increasing my skills while you fight to get oxygen to your brains. Caption: Three hours later. Contractor: I became a multimedia developer. How was YOUR day? 
19941022	Monitor: To configure the software, enter the name of next year's Academy Award winner for best actor. Please wait. 
19941023	Pointy haired boss: Our project is six months behind schedule.  Pointy haired boss: Meanwhile, our technology has become obsolete and the users' requirements have changed.  Pointy haired boss: Any suggestions? Dilbert: Let's stubbornly plod along and deliver the useless product that was originally requested. Wally: That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Wally: We should restart every time something changes. That way we'll never be held accountable for results! Alice: You losers can work it out alone. I heard there's a job opening on Project Caribou. Pointy haired boss: Next on the agenda: Our weekly team-building exercise.
19941024	Boss: The company hired an ethics expert to help us through the gray areas. Your calls to the ethics office are completely confidential. Dogbert: Thanks for sharing that. I own you now, weasel-boy. 
19941025	Wally: I have a question for the ethics office. If my co-worker has a "Pentium" PC and I have a 386, is it okay to run over his foot in the parking lot? It seemed like a long-shot when I asked. 
19941026	Caption: Dogbert: ethics advisor. Executive: We know our products are killing people, but we're claiming the studies are flawed. We're planning to focus our advertising on the youth market in poor urban areas. So, given all that, is it okay for me to steal office supplies? Dogbert: I'd have to say yes. 
19941027	Caption: Dogbert: ethics advisor. Woman: We mail our product to people and tell them it's free for one year. Then we start nailing them with high fees because they'll forget the procedure for returning the product. They're trapped. So, do you have some ethics advice? Dogbert: No. I asked you here so I can return your stupid product. 
19941028	Boss: Ray's our new finance guy. He's got a face that makes you hate him automatically. Dilbert: You're right. I'm already hating him. Boss: Wait until he opens his mouth! Ray: From now on I want a business case to justify all of your photocopying. Boss: Is he a natural or what?!! 
19941029	Dilbert: Have you started to hate the new finance guy yet? Wally: Yeah. I started yesterday. Dilbert: He seems so rigid. Wally: Rigid and inflexible. Not a team player. Dilbert: Do you have an extra napkin? Wally: I won't really know until I'm done. 
19941030	Dilbert: Exhibit "A" is my empty lunch bag, last seen full.  Dilbert: Only the people in this room had the motive and the opportunity. Dilbert: Inspector Dogbert will investigate. Dogbert: Sniff* You were in the supply room with Willy the mail boy all morning. You are innocent. Sort of. Dogbert: Sniff* I give you a "C+" for hygiene but you did not take the lunch. Dogbert: Sniff* Bologna... Potato chips... Carrot sticks. Ha!!! Dogbert: This is the thief who took the decoy lunch... Which we laced with synthetic female hormones! Wally: You can't prove anything! Dogbert: Is there something you'd like to get off your chest? Pointy haired boss:  Alice: 
19941031	Dilbert: What's in the jar? Boss: It's the soul of Willy the mailboy. If you shake it real hard and hold it up to the light you can see it. Dilbert: The union didn't do too well at the ol' bargaining table this year. Willy: These aren't our glory years. 
19941101	Boss: Problem: Our product development process requires buy-in from managers who'd be happier if we all died. My solution is to create executive oversight groups who don't understand the issues and don't have time to meet. I'M...I'M BLIND! Dilbert: You looked directly at the bulb again. 
19941102	Boss: The employee survey showed that 95% of the company believes we have no consistent strategy. So the executives formed a "quality team" to determine the root cause of the problem. Executive: We've narrowed it down to either "employees are ninnies" or "we deserve more stock options." 
19941103	Boss: I'm starting an interdisciplinary task force to study our decision-making process. Dilbert: So, you're using a bad decision-making process to decide how to fix our bad decision-making process? Boss: I don't know how else we could find the source of the problem. Dilbert: X-ray your skull? 
19941104	Boss: I've decided to manage by physical intimidation. If somebody says something stupid I'll just smack them. Dilbert: That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard. On the other hand, maybe I should give it a chance. (SMACK!) 
19941105	Co-worker: Instead of "right-sizing," our company is "bright-sizing." That's when all the bright people leave! All: HOO HA HA HEE HEE HA HA HA Snort. Dilbert: Hey! We all brought bananas again. 
19941107	Employee: This job has taken my dignity, my self-esteem, my creativity and my precious time on this Earth. YOU'VE TAKEN ALL I HAVE! THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO GIVE!!! Boss: The blood drive is next week. This year it's mandatory...and a three-pint minimum. 
19941108	Co-worker: I don't mind donating blood...It's good for society... Sign: Form line. Co-worker: But I'm worried that our company is getting too competitive about how much we give compared to other companies. Dilbert: Man, I'm thirsty!! 
19941109	Wally: ...And if I pile enough binders on my chair I'll have a window view. Dilbert: I've got to try that. Boss: Wow! I've never seen so much interest in our business plan! Co-worker: Can I have two? 
19941110	Dogbert: As your consultant, I'll tell you how to improve your business processes.   Dogbert: I'll show you how a well-designed process can compensate for your sloth, apathy, and all-around incompetence.  Dogbert: But most important: Let's have fun.
19941111	DOGBERT THE CONSULTANT -------------------------- Dogbert: I recommend letting theengineers order their own supplies without management approval Wally: YES!!! I'M RICH!! HA HA HA HA!!! Dogbert: And I recommend buying "PUT" options in your stock Wally (punches in the air): WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
19941112	Boss: One of these donuts contains a memo which fires the recipient. This seemed like the most humane way to reduce head count. Dilbert: How was your donut? Wally: The first two were great. The third was papery. 
19941114	Boss: I'm assigning you to "the project that wouldn't die." Everybody likes this project too much to cancel it, but not enough to fund it properly. Dilbert: Aaarg!! Boss: Now go out there and maintain the status quo! Dilbert: You really shouldn't mix honesty with your motivational speeches. 
19941115	Wally: I made a few thousand suggestions on your first draft. Of all the pleasures of life, I think I like nit-picking the best! Dilbert: That could explain the break-up of your marriage. Wally: You wouldn't believe what SHE thought was fun. 
19941116	Dilbert: Did you see my project report yet? It's in a big thick binder. Boss: I'm using it as a foot rest. Dilbert: You never want to hear the words "foot rest" the day before your annual performance appraisal. 
19941117	Boss: Since implementing our "paperless office" concept, we've saved... Uh...ten percent! Hand: 10%. Wally: Next on the agenda: the restroom situation... 
19941118	Wally: This is just great...We engineers have old 286 PC's and you have a Sparc workstation. Correct me if I'm wrong, but the only thing you know how to do is stare at the screen saver. Boss: How does that ball keep bouncing? Wally: If anybody needs me I'll be scrolling some text. 
19941119	Wally: I suddenly realized that MY job performance reflects on YOUR career. The balance of power has shifted. Unless I get what I want, I'll lower my performance until you get fired. Boss: Ha! There's no way you could lower your job performance. Wally: Curse your eyes! 
19941120	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: I think I know what your problem is. Take all the parts and rearrange them in neat piles. Now stand on your chair so you can see above your cubicle wall. Now shout "Does anybody know how to read a manual?" 
19941121	Dogbert the consultant Dogbert: A good way to judge corporate health is to look at your employee turnover rate. Pointy Haired Boss: Our turnover rate is very low. We only hire people who aren't skilled enough to work anyplace else. Dogbert: Maybe metrics aren't the way to go here. Pointy Haired Boss: No metric has beaten me yet!
19941122	(Title): Dogbert the consultant Dogbert: You can gauge your success by the number of repeat customers you have. Pointy haired boss: I'm proud to say that virtually every customer gets another unit within three months of buying the first one! Dogbert: What if you don't count warranty replacements? Pointy haired boss: Ooh... Then we don't look so good. 
19941123	Dilbert (thinking): {I just lost the subtle mental connection between my performance and my salary.} Dilbert (thinking): {I get paid the same no matter what I do. I can stand here and flick my fingers and still get paid.} (fingers:) flick flick flick Dilbert: Do you realize what this means??! (fingers: flick flick) Wally: Hey! You're getting paid for that! 
19941124	Dilbert: Look, Ted! We get paid the same as you but all we're doing is standing around and flicking our fingers. Dilbert: Come join us and flick your fingers in joyous celebration that our performance is not linked to our pay. (Alice's fingers) flick flick (employees, unseen) flick flick flick flick flick Pointy haired boss (thinking): {I don't know what success sounds like, but I'll bet this isn't it.} 
19941125	Dogbert: Liz, if you're going to continue seeing Dilbert, you'll have to pass my test. Dogbert: Question one: Give seven hundred reasons why dogs are superior to cats. Liz: Well, the first six hundred reasons have to do with the fact that you're cuter. Dogbert: Fingernails! She-devil! 
19941126	Pointy haired boss: I came up with a new name for our group. Pointy haired boss: From now on we're the "Engineering Science Research Technology Systems Information Quality and Excellence Center." Wally: You should throw "Efficiency" in there too. Pointy haired boss: I designed the business cards myself. 
19941127	Pointy haired boss: I'm moving you to a cubicle in the south wing. Dilbert: Why? Pointy haired boss: Umm... It's more efficient if my group is all in one place. Dilbert: Not for me. The people on my project team are all in this wing. Pointy haired boss: It will improve communication in our group. Dilbert: I don't need to communicate with my group. I only need to work with my project team. Dilbert: I'll bet another manager wants that same cubicle in the south wing. I think I'm just a pawn in your little game. Pointy haired boss: You move tomorrow. By the way, there's a new dress code. Dilbert: You're in my cubicle. Wally: You can only move to a diagonal cubicle. 
19941128	Pointy haired boss: We're changing the salary plan to make a bigger portion depend on the success of the team. Pointy haired boss: We reason that if your pay depends on the success of co-workers, then your priorities will change. Wally: Now *that's* a pretty resume! Dilbert: Stop hogging the good printer. 
19941129	Pointy haired boss: You submitted the lowest bid to run our new technical support hotline, mister Dogbert. Pointy haired boss: The other bidders would love to know how you plan to handle twelve thousand calls a day by yourself. Dogbert: Tell them to call me. 
19941130	(Title): Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: I think I know what your problem is... Dogbert: Take all the parts and arrange them in neat piles. Now stand on your chair so you can see above your cubicle wall... Dogbert: Now shout "Does anybody know how to read a manual?" 
19941201	(Title): Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: According to my online database, our product isn't compatible with your computer. Dogbert: It's also incompatible with all other computers and all other software including our own. Dogbert: And those red blotches on your hands -- that's because our box is made of poison ivy. 
19941202	(Title:) Dogbert's tech support Dogbert: Please wait while I consult with somebody who has your exact same problem. Dogbert: How do you compensate for a tiny brain, Ratbert? Ratbert: I just say I'm way too busy to learn. Then I get somebody else to do my work. Dogbert: I'm going to transfer you to an expert. Ratbert: Sometimes I pretend to be dead. 
19941203	Caption: Dogbert's tech support. Dogbert: So...There are three menu choices and the first two didn't work... Some people would have recklessly tried the third choice before calling for help. But I can tell you're different. Let's be honest with ourselves, Dave. Do you think anybody is going to read a memo from you? 
19941205	Boss: We've studied the Japanese model and decided to copy their best practices. Dilbert: Long term investing? Boss: KARAOKE! Shaft! Can you dig it? Dilbert: Thank God we don't have lifetime employment. 
19941206	Boss: I'm putting you in charge of getting our "ISO 9000" certification. We don't know what it is, but it looks great on brochures. Dilbert: I think it certifies that we follow a consistent process. Boss: That's us; We always lie on our brochures. 
19941207	Dilbert: Thank you for coming to the "ISO 9000" kick-off meeting. Each of you was hand-picked by your manager for this project because... Well...Never mind why. 
19941208	Dilbert: Here's the basic plan for getting our "ISO 9000" certification. Each of you will create an insanely boring, poorly written document. I'll combine them into one big honkin' binder. I'll send copies to all department heads for comment. They will treat it like a dead raccoon and route it to the first passerby. 
19941209	Dogbert: Your target market is the high income group. They're the only ones who can afford your product. Display: Rich. Dogbert: More specifically, they must be rich, tasteless and easily amused. I've located a cluster of them to study. Display: Rich / No taste / Easily amused. Golfer: That dog's watching us golf again. 
19941210	Boss: The employee surveys indicate some dissatisfaction in my group. That affects my pay. You're my grumpiest employee, so I'm going to fire you to bring up my average score for morale. I think I'm getting better at all the touchy-feely stuff. 
19941212	Inspector: I'm checking the building for environmental hazards. Have you been feeling tired, nervous and disoriented? Dilbert: You just described my entire career. Inspector: If you start feeling good, run for the exit. 
19941213	Ratbert: I'm following you to work. I'll start out as an annoying rodent. But with hard work and training I'll work my way up to engineer. Dilbert: May I suggest a career in marketing? Ratbert: Is this the cutest little briefcase or what?! 
19941214	Ratbert: Outwardly, yes, I'm a rat. But my bubbly personality and my utter lack of skill make me well-suited for a career in marketing. Would you mind terribly if I gnawed on your phone cord? Interviewr: We have an opening in lobby security. Ratbert: I'M INSULTED! 
19941215	Ratbert: I didn't get the job in marketing. They say I have no experience. Dogbert: Try inviting yourself to meetings. Nobody ever says no. And they're too timid to kick you out once you sit down. Ratbert: Does anybody want to split a donut? I'll just take half and leave the rest. 
19941216	Dilbert: Since you won't go away, I'll make you an intern. Ratbert: Great! What's an intern? Dilbert: You'll spend your day in a high-traffic cube trying to look busy. Your main function is to make the rest of us glad we're not you. Ratbert: How did people ever look busy before computers? 
19941217	Ratbert: Excuse me... I'm only an intern, but may I make a suggestion? Let's form multidisciplinary task forces to reengineer our core processes until we're a world class organization! Pointy haired boss: Sounds good. Go do it. Ratbert: I'm more of an idea rat.
19941218	Caption: Dogbert teaches business math. Slide: Grunts = 0. Caption: #1. Any job that can be done by two people... ...Can be done by one person for half the cost. #2. A bonus today is worth more than... ...The whole company tomorrow. Sign: Closed. Caption: #3. Your expense requirements for December can be calculated... ...By taking what's left in the budget and multiplying by one. Carrier: Giraffe goes where? Dogbert: Next week, a doctor with a flashlight shows us where sales projections come from. 
19941219	Pointy haired boss: The company has decided to compete for the "Millard Bullrush Quality Award."  Wally: Bullrush? Isn't he the politician who went snorkeling and got killed by a sea turtle? Pointy haired man: They're faster than they look. Wally: I think we can win this.
19941220	Boss: Describe how you used "total quality" methods on your last project. We're applying for the Millard Bullrush quality award. Dilbert: You know I didn't use "total quality." I'd have to lie. Boss: Sadly, Millard passed away before he could invent the Millard Bullrush "honest" award. 
19941221	Dilbert: I have to submit my project for a "quality" award. I'll need your help on the dishonest parts. The real story is that the project lost its budget because its acronym was similar to a project that got cancelled. Dogbert: Assume your project would have failed and claim the savings from avoiding it. Dilbert: You're spooky. 
19941222	Dilbert: I finished my write-up for the national Millard Bullrush "quality" contest. It took two weeks of otherwise productive time. And everything but our address is a lie. Do you know what irony is? Boss: I send my shirts to a service. 
19941223	Dogbert: Here's my bid to run your telemarketing company. Basically, it's no cost to you. My telemarketers pay themselves. If they get a feeble-minded person on the phone they charge them triple and pocket the difference. Boss: There's no way I can lose. Dogbert: Don't answer your home phone for a few weeks. 
19941224	Dilbert: There's a strange smell in the cubes. Boss: We're using aroma technology! For example, research shows that the scent of lemon makes employees more alert. Dilbert: That's not lemon. Boss: My job's easier when you guys aren't too alert. 
19941226	Boss: I hired a professional to help us design our product interface. His last job was as an international terrorist. It's not a perfect fit, but he went to Yale. Dilbert: So, I hear you went to Yale, Sven. Sven: I yust got out last week. 
19941227	Sven: My theory is that a computer interface should hurt the user. So I designed some new sounds into our product. We've got "sound of puking," "fingernails on blackboard" and "bird hitting window." (Splat.) But suppose the user does something WRONG. Then we have the sound of a puking bird hitting a blackboard. (Puke screech splat.) 
19941228	Sven: Sure, we could bring some strangers in to test our product for ease of use... But that could take all afternoon and cost at least a hundred dollars. And all it proves is strangers are stupid. Boss: Sometimes they have good candy. 
19941229	Dogbert: Remember the old saying, Ratbert: You can lead a horse to water... ...But by the time you got there you'd smell like a horse and your butt would hurt. Ratbert: If you stuck a hose in a horses mouth and taped there, could you make the horse drink? Dogbert: Yeah, I've tried it. 
19941230	Pointy haired boss: I've decided that our next team-building exercise will be a paintball tournament.  Dilbert, Wally, Alice (Thinking): This is not a good thing.  Pointy haired boss (Thinking): It's a deceptively easy sport.
19941231	Boss: I'm going to make your group a "self-managed team." All of the vital management tasks that I've been doing will now be shared among you. Dilbert: Stop your work and give me a status report! Alice: Track your time. Wally: I think I'll kiss some butts. 
19950102	Dilbert: I accomplished twice as much as Wally this year, but we got exactly the same tiny raises. I'm wondering if this is a clever shift in management philosophy or a simple application of your ignorance? Boss: You're starting to annoy me. Dilbert: And that would affect my pay how? 
19950103	Boss: Congratulations, Wally. I've selected you to head up our campaign for "United Charity." I chose you not only because you're the least valuable member of the group, but also because you're so darn pitiful. Honesty is the best policy unless it's being done to you. 
19950104	Wally: Your contributions to "United Charity" are below average for your pay level. Dilbert: Actually, I donate ten percent of my income and thousands of hours to local groups not on your approved list. Wally: "...Not a team player." Dilbert: I fund an agency that keeps people like you away from society. 
19950105	Wally: Be at the "United Charity" kickoff tomorrow. I hired a headless man to be our inspirational speaker. Speaker: ...And that's how "United Charity" gave me back my dignity. Any questions? Boss: How do you show up on a headcount report? 
19950106	Boss: Change these dates...and add six more meetings and use the phrase "customer focus." Dilbert: Uh-oh...Your micro-management has caused my ego to manifest itself and beg for survival. Ego: I'm shrinking! (Whap!) Boss: Run get me some paper towels...five of them...from the men's room. 
19950107	Dilbert: Look, Ratbert. An entire computer has been baked into one silicon chip. Ratbert: Thanks! I don't mind if I do! (Snatch gulp*) Dilbert: You ate my computer. Ratbert: I'm a cyborg. 
19950109	Boss: We're taking away your individual cubicles. In the new system you'll sign up for whatever cube is open that day. It's based on the model of public restrooms. But I call it "hoteling" because it increases my chances of getting tips. Each cubicle will have a computer, a chair, and a roll of note paper...Take one and pass it around. 
19950110	Wally: Now that we don't have our own cubicles I have to keep my binders in this shopping cart. And I've developed a strong interest in graffiti as a way to express my individuality. Dilbert: Well...it could be worse. Wally: I'm thinking of joining a gang. 
19950111	Dogbert: I'm starting my own venture capital firm. I'm attracted to the concept of watching people with moronic ideas beg for money. Dilbert: Will you actually finance anybody? Dogbert: That would sort of crimp the mirth. 
19950112	Caption: Dogbert, venture capitalist. Dogbert: You'll use your technical expertise and I'll do the business stuff. Sign here. Since you're the inventor of the technology, you'll get 100% of the special decorative non-equity stock. I'll settle for all the common stock. Inventor: I hope we can avoid the tension that some partners experience. Dogbert: Give me my pen, you miscreant. 
19950113	Caption: Dogbert, venture capitalist. Client: My idea is to develop a word processing program for Windows. Dogbert: That's an interesting idea. I wonder if twenty dollars would be enough. Client: To start a software company? Dogbert: No, to pay our waitress to beat you with a loaf of French bread. 
19950114	Caption: Dogbert, venture capitalist. Dogbert: I'll invest up to five million dollars if you'll agree to some standard conditions. I will be chairman of the board and own 99% of the company. You will work for free and wash my car twice a week. Client: Can I mow your lawn instead of washing your car? Dogbert: You're a tough bargainer, but I prefer multimedia developers for my gardening needs. 
19950116	Dilbert: I'm installing a paper-burning stove to lower our heating bills. I'll fuel it with all the useless documents I get at work. Boss: I've been noticing how much stuff you take home. You must love your work. Dilbert: It gives me a warm feeling. 
19950117	Boss: We've all noticed the volume of work you carry around. Your leadership inspires us. I'd like to promote you to manager so you can imbue others with your work ethic. Dogbert: Does he know you use the documents to heat our house? Dilbert: No. And I asked him to put the job offer in writing. 
19950118	Dilbert: I can't decide if I should stay with engineering or pursue a career in management. In my heart I'm an engineer but I hear a voice calling me to the dark side. Dogbert: I found your problem. Phil: Boy is my face red. 
19950119	Dilbert: If I left engineering and became a manager would I be as sexy as I am now, Liz? Liz: I think it would decrease your sex appeal by 17%. But that's just a planning number. Dilbert: What if I got a ham radio license to compensate for the loss? Liz: Look at my arm: goose bumps. 
19950120	Phil: Come to the dark side, Dilbert. Renounce engineering and become a manager. Dilbert: NEVER!! Phil: Your technical knowledge is getting stale. You're becoming a generalist...Take the easy path. I brought you a suite of applications that all work together. Dilbert: THAT'S UNNATURAL!!! BE GONE!!! 
19950121	Boss: I'm promoting you to team leader. Dilbert: Do I get a raise? Boss: There's no extra money, just extra responsibility. It's how we recognize our best people. Dilbert: I thought all the good people leave for other companies. Boss: That's another way to recognize them. 
19950123	Dilbert: As you know, I've been promoted to team leader. Alice: Will you decide raises? Dilbert: No. Alice: Do you approve expenses? Dilbert: No. Alice: Do you fire people? Dilbert: No. I'm a leader...not a manager. Alice: Well, run along and we'll be right behind you. 
19950124	Dilbert: As team leader, I think I should get some perks so people know my status. Boss: I'll have your cubicle walls sprayed with a special thickening agent. It might look the same, but trust me, people will know how thick you are. Dilbert: I'm just like you, Wally. But thicker. Wally: I've noticed. 
19950125	Dilbert: I hate being team leader. It's so stressful. I have responsibility but no authority. I feel like I'm an animal in some warped behavioral study. (Ding.) Sign: Take pellet. Dilbert: On the plus side, the pellets are excellent. 
19950126	Boss: Maybe we could form a vision statement of our concepts for requirements. Wally: Or maybe we can bound our strawman by the mission-critical functions of our quality vector! Dilbert: You're shameless. Wally: There's a fine line between participation and mockery. 
19950127	Boss: We've been asked to reduce our budget. I'm going to offer to cut your project because it's the most critical. The finance guys won't dare cut that project. My ploy will spare us from any cuts at all. Dilbert: Excuse me while I panic. Boss: Tell me again what your project is about. They might ask. 
19950128	New Hire: I've only worked here one day but I thought of a great idea. (Zip. Sploosh!) Dilbert: The first idea is always the toughest. Wally: The urge eventually goes away. 
19950130	Boss: This laptop computer weighs too much. Do we have anything lighter? Wally: Why don't you just delete files to lower the weight on that one? Boss: That's a thought. Wally: Technically, I only asked why not. 
19950131	(Dilbert's computer screen): Your ignorance seems to have no limit. Your opinions are idiotic. (Dilbert's computer screen): Your personal hygiene leaves much to be desired. Your family is ugly. Send e-mail * Wally: You're mighty brave in cyberspace, flame-boy. Dilbert: Step inside. 
19950201	Dilbert: My status report is a bit light this week because I'm having an e-mail flame war with Wally. Wally refuses to admit my technical superiority or his simian ancestry. It is my obligation to set him straight. Wally: NEVER!! Dilbert: I'm thinking this somehow elevates my rank in the herd and improves my mating possibilities. Wally: We're victims of hormones. 
19950202	Alice: I'm protesting the company's dress code. I refuse to dress like a woman. High heels and pantyhose are designed to make women look like helpless little ornaments for the pleasure of male viewers! Wally: I've never had pleasure viewing you. I swear. Alice: Thank you for your support. 
19950203	WOMAN: I'm dressing like a man to protest the company's dress code. BOSS: So, what you're saying is that you're actually a woman.  Is that your claim? WOMAN: That's not exactly the point. BOSS: I saw "The Crying Game."  Don't do anything that would make me heave.
19950204	BOSS: I ranked all of your assignments by priority so you won't waste time on unimportant stuff. DILBERT: Everything is an "A" except for "Personal Life."   This helps a lot. BOSS: I'm still working on the list of "Must Do" "B" priorities.
19950205	Caption: Dogbert explains leadership. Dogbert: Leaders start their careers as morons. They are drawn to meetings like moths to a porch light. The successful moron will have a very high bladder-to-brain ratio. Display: Brain / bladder. Caption: They prevail in all decisions because they are impervious to logic or coffee. Moron1: Let's do it my way! Moron2: Okay! Caption: These qualities are perceived as leadership. Boss: You're promoted! Caption: After several promotions their job tends to match their talents. Moron: I award you this award. Dogbert: Conclusion: Leadership is nature's way of removing morons from the productive flow. 
19950206	Dilbert: I have an ethical question about telecommuting, Dogbert. Do I owe my employer eight productive hours, or do I only need to match the two productive hours I would have had in the office. Dogbert: Well, when you factor in how you're saving the planet by not driving, you only owe one hour. Dilbert: And this meeting counts. 
19950207	Dilbert: Day two of telecommuting is going smoothly. I have eliminated all optional habits of hygiene. My co-workers are a fading memory. I am losing language skills. I talk to my computer and expect answers. For reasons that are unclear, my dog wears a gas mask and shouts Tarzan-like phrases. Dogbert: Kreegah! Bundalo! 
19950208	DILBERT (in bath robe): Day three of telecommuting:  I spend the morning throwing my pen in the air. [Pen comes down on Dilbert's forehead -- "POINK"] DILBERT (thinking, on floor after falling off chair): The afternoon is spent in silent appreciation of how much better this is than being in the office.
19950209	Dilbert: On my fourth day of telecommuting I realize that clothes are totally unnecessary. Suddenly I am struck by a question: Why don't monkeys grow beards? Hey! I call a meeting to discuss the issue but attendance is low. Issue one: Monkey beards. Ratbert: Let's go around the table and introduce ourselves. 
19950210	Alice: When you consider the hours I work, I make less per hour than the janitor! Willy: Look what was blocking the pipes! It took all morning to plunge the rascal out. Alice: I love my job. Boss: I'm giving him a raise. 
19950211	Boss: I'd like each of you to give me a current resume. Now, don't be alarmed. It's just so the new VP can get to know you. It's not an obvious prelude to massive staff cuts. Should I be worried that you all have a current resume on you? Wally: Don't worry. It's not an obvious prelude to massive disloyalty! 
19950212	Boss: I'm putting you on the strategic planning team. It's like work but without the satisfaction of accomplishing anything. Co-worker1: You're new, so let me explain how this works. We have meetings and talk about the company's strategy in vague emotional terms. In time, we convince ourselves that we're more than mediocre thinkers who sit around complaining. We start believing our opinions will steer the company. We feel important. We feel ALIVE!! Co-worker2: Then we snap out of it and make viewgraphs that say we should keep doing what we're doing. Dilbert: I like making viewgraphs. Co-worker2: Actually, we use last year's viewgraph. 
19950213	Boss: I'm asking everybody to quantify their contributions to revenue. Your pay will depend on it. I realize this is hard to quantify because you're designing future products but... Dilbert: Here you go. Boss: A billion dollars? It's as if you cynically believe we can't track these numbers. Dilbert: That crossed my mind. 
19950214	Boss: You should all follow Wally's example of how he quantifies his contribution to revenue. Wally: Basically, I assumed my project would fail without me. Therefore all the revenue it generates can be attributed to me. Co-worker: Aren't we all on the same project? Wally: Yes, but evidently we're not all equally valuable. 
19950215	Dilbert: Wally, you just sent me the same e-mail you sent last week. Wally: I'm rerunning the "Best of Wally" while I'm on in-cube sabbatical. Dilbert: How long is your sabbatical? Wally: Six months so far, and you're the first to notice. 
19950216	Alice: I was so late I had to put on my makeup in the car. Dilbert: Yeah, I had to shave in the car. Wally: That's nothing. I was so late I had to give myself a sponge bath in the car. Alice: Aren't you the driver for the carpool? Wally: You've never heard such whining. 
19950217	Caption: The problem... Dilbert: We're so understaffed that the project is six weeks behind schedule. Caption: The analysis... Boss: I can't add people...I can't change the due date...I can't ignore it. Caption: The result... Dilbert: He wants daily status reports until the situation improves. 
19950218	Caption: Bad news. Boss: We're not giving any raises. Caption: Making it worse. Boss: But we think work is its own reward. Caption: Making it MUCH worse. Boss: Expect to get rewarded about twice as much next year. 
19950219	Caption: Boss types. Dogbert: Find your boss on this handy reference. Caption: Hostage taker: Traps you in your cubicle and talks your ears off. Boss1: Blah blah. Employee: Ow!! Caption: Fraud: Uses vigorous head-nodding to simulate comprehension. Dilbert: Then we'll subnet our IP addresses. Boss2: Oh yeah, oh yeah. Caption: Motivational liar: Has no clue what you do but says you're the best. Boss3: Nobody can do what you do!! Employee: Except a mushroom. Caption: Over promoted: Tries to mask incompetence with poor communication. Boss4: Let's qualitize our paradigm so we don't over inundate with datums. Caption: Weasels: Takes credit for your hard work. Manager: This bonus is for brilliantly forcing your staff to work 80 hour weeks. Boss5: It wasn't easy! Caption: Moses: Perpetually waits for clear signals from above. Boss: Don't so anything important yet. Wally: Never have. Caption: Perfect boss: Dies of natural causes on a Thursday afternoon. Alice: Should we do something? Wally: Three day weekend! 
19950220	Ted: Reliable sources say your project will canceled, Dilbert. You should abandon it now and come work on MY project. When my big promotion goes through next month, I'll transfer you to my group and give you a raise. Dilbert: That's very tempting except for the fact you're a pathological liar. Ted: Be careful what you say -- I have super powers. 
19950221	Dilbert: Dogbert, I need your help dealing with a pathological liar at work. Dogbert: You're in luck. I happen to have a Ph.D. in liatology from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Dilbert: I'd love to see your diploma. Dogbert: I'll mail it to you. 
19950222	Boss: We have been having problems with blackouts. The office lights are controlled by motion sensors. I hired a temp to walk around and flap his arms so the lights won't go off. Dilbert: Another journalism major enters the workforce. Wally: It seems like a waste. Maybe he could fan us. 
19950223	Boss: Alice, I'm almost done with your performance appraisal. Alice: (Gasp.) I haven't had an appraisal in four years. You must be starting a document trail so you can fire me later. I'LL WORK 24 HOURS A DAY!! Boss: That was way more motivational than I'd hoped. 
19950224	Alice: I'm terrified about my performance review tomorrow. Men have it easier. You've been conditioned by years of rejection and general disdain. Wally: We're lucky that way. Dilbert: Overall, I rated your performance as "simian." Ted: Thanks. 
19950225	Boss: I've replaced the old rating system with a friendlier method. Now I compare each of you to an animal with similar traits. I rated you "Tyrannosaurus Rex." Alice: T Rex -- The mightiest dinosaur!! Boss: Think in terms of brain size. 
19950226	Mom: Here's some nice chocolate cake for you and Dogbert. Dilbert: Thanks, mom. Dogbert: Thanks, mom. Mom: Tell me all about your job at the railroad. Dilbert: It's not a railroad. I'm an engineer at a big corporation. Mom: Do you fix the typewriters when they break? Dilbert: No...Today I debugged a TCP/IP driver for an application that runs over ISDN with bonding. Mom: You mean, all you do is slap a BRI analyzer on a circuit and look for bad packets? Dilbert: Well...yeah. But it's really hard. I was doing okay until she offered to pay my tuition to typewriter repair school. Dogbert: You shouldn't have compared her cake to packing foam. 
19950227	Co-worker: I'm happy to report that the "excellence in teaming" read-out is nearly ready. It's taken forty people from a dozen departments to complete this study. We finally got complete buy-in. Dilbert: Is that the study of why we can't make decisions? Co-worker: Originally. But it evolved into more of a discussion of squirrel migration patterns. 
19950228	Boss: And Ted gets this "Singular Achievement" award for creating the "We Are Teams" campaign. It's a check for a thousand dollars! Let's all give Ted a hand. (Slap. Whack. Ow!!) These things never work out the way you want them to. 
19950301	Alice: Why is it that I never have time to eat but you MEN are in here every day at 11:35? Wally: Because the hours we spent upgrading our PC's have finally paid off by greatly improving our efficiency. Dilbert: I thought it was because we get hungry at 11:30. Wally: We can't reveal all our secrets. 
19950302	Boss: We're announcing two new programs for employees. The first is a new dignity enhancement program and the second is our new random drug testing initiative. Alice: The clue meter is reading zero. Boss: You each get a handsome coffee mug as part of the kick-off. 
19950303	Boss: Drop your trousers and turn around. I need a DNA sample. We're scanning for any fatal genetic problems that could hurt productivity. Uh...We decided to move your project deadline up a week. 
19950304	Boss: From now on, salaries will be based on your predicted success, not your past performance. We ran a computer model against your education and DNA information. We predict you'll die in a stapler mishap within a week. Dilbert: What if I disagree with this prediction? Boss: Write up your opinion and staple it to the analysis. 
19950305	Dogbert: We're going downtown to play "security guards in space." Dilbert: I don't want to know. Ratbert: Let's try that building. Rocket: Lunch. Guard: I'll need to see your ID badge, sir. Dogbert: Look fast!! There it is!! Not a pack of matches!! Guard: Okay. I'll have to search your lunch box. It's just a bunch of wires and gizmos. Dogbert: You're making me SO hungry. Could you watch my lunch while I take the cart back to my car? I feel bad, but it's the only way to test if space travel is safe for us animals. Ratbert: I feel safer already. 
19950306	Boss: Can you explain why you're a week behind schedule? Dilbert: Your poor leadership has drained me of the enthusiasm necessary to succeed. But it's not completely YOUR fault. Frankly, your parents have to accept some responsibility for creating you. Boss: Even if they were drunk? 
19950307	Boss: We need to finish your program twice as fast, so I'm adding a person to help you. You might need to train him a little before he's productive. Dilbert: Warning! Warning! Dr. Smith. New Hire: Tell me again what the big glowing thing is. 
19950308	Boss: Are you working twice as fast since I doubled your staff? Dilbert: I've coded twelve modules. Barry is on a journey of discovery where he will find out my mouse is not a microphone. Barry: Hello! Anybody! Boss: That would explain why nobody ever comments on my announcements over the P.A. system. 
19950309	Boss: From now on, the managers at my level will be called "Thought Leaders.: Dilbert: What's wrong with this picture? Boss: (blank thought) 
19950310	Pointy haired boss: Your performance this year was good, but you worked on tasks that aren't important. Therefore you get a tiny raise. Dilbert: I worked on the tasks *you* assigned. What's that say about *your* performance? Pointy haired boss: It's excellent. I get a bonus for keeping salaries low. Dilbert: Have you seen any literature on workplace violence? 
19950311	Dilbert: Uh-oh...The managers are going to another closed-door meeting. It must be about pay cuts or layoffs. I'm doomed. I'd better work on my resume NOW. Boss: Okay, so far our "Leadership Vision" says "we inspire employees to action." Does anybody have upgrades? Other Boss: Nah. 
19950312	Tina: Did you review my draft documentation yet? Dilbert: Uh...I'll get to it soon. Tina: That's what you've been saying since July!! I know I'm only a lowly technical writer and you're a big important engineer. BUT IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK FOR YOU TO GLANCE AT THE FRUITS OF MY LABORS?!!! FIVE LOUSY MINUTES IS ALL IT WOULD TAKE TO VALIDATE MY VALUE ON THIS PLANET! READ IT, YOU FETID PILE OF COMPOST!! Dilbert: Okay, okay! I'll read it right now! These pages are blank! You've been bluffing for months! Tina: I think I'll go have a yummy compost salad with delicious fetid cheese. Dilbert: I'm going to look up those words. 
19950313	Dogbert: I promise that if I decide to buy your company I'll gladly recommend a position for each of you. Wally: Really? You'd make sure we all got jobs? Dogbert: No, but I'll recommend a "position." 
19950314	Dogbert: My consultant will audit your company to make sure there are no surprises before I buy it. I use him because he's seen such hideous things that nothing scares him. GrimReaper: AAAAAEEII!! OOOUWAA HAA!! Dogbert: That's not the sound you want from your auditor. 
19950315	Dogbert: Your stock was $30 per share when I offered to buy the company, but thanks to some timely leaks to the media your value has plunged. However, if you sell right now, I'll pay the full $30 for your stock. Boss: I recommend we do it. CEO: Done. $30 per share is more than fair. Dogbert: Yeah, "per share" would have been fair. Anybody want a copy? 
19950316	Dogbert: As new owner of this company I hereby ban all meetings over one hour. The dress code is casual. Status reports are optional! No more mission statements or "visions." Our motto is "have fun, satisfy customers, make money." And stock options for all. We can fit five more in this cubicle if we remove the chair. 
19950317	Dilbert: The rumors are destroying our productivity. We can't work with all this uncertainty. Dogbert: I plan to buy proven technology and hire contract employees. You'll be gophers for the contractors until you resign in disgust and humiliation. Dilbert: Is there any way to get back to uncertainty? Dogbert: I'll see what I can do. 
19950318	Dilbert: Now that you own the company, what do you plan to do? Dogbert: Trim middle management. I'll fire anybody who gives me a document marked "FYI." Those people have too much time on their hands. Ted: Are you sure this will set me apart from the other managers? Wally: You'll be surprised how quickly. 
19950319	Dilbert: So...okay, great... Co-worker: Alright then... Dilbert: I'm trapped in the meeting that would not conclude!! I'm too polite to say "We're done. Please leave." Co-worker: Like I said before... Dilbert: Oh no! I missed the window - He's reiterating!!! Dilbert: So...okay, great... Co-worker: Alright then... Dilbert: Maybe if I shake his hand he'll leave. Co-worker: But like I said before... Dilbert: NOOOOOOOO!! ...Then there was sort of a long awkward pause... Dogbert: So...okay, great... 
19950320	Dogbert: I hired a new Director of Human Resources to handle the downsizing. I needed somebody who acts like a friend but secretly delights in the misery of all people. Catbert: We need to talk, Paul. But first I'm going to bat your head around and scratch you. Paul: Hee hee!! That's so cute! 
19950321	Caption: Catbert the H.R. director. Catbert: Here's the new org chart. Maybe you're on it and maybe not. Ooh! Nice try! So close, too bad. It's fun to play with them before downsizing them. 
19950322	Catbert: Come see the new org chart. Oops, changed my mind! (WHAM!!) Alice: Ouchie. Wally: I'm sore, but I've never felt so free. 
19950323	Dogbert: I've decided to sell the company for a huge profit. I found some very discriminating buyers. Wally: When you say discriminating, you mean...? It's okay. We have laws to protect us. Elbonian 1: They're lazy, but at least they're funny! Elbonian 2: Hee hee. 
19950324	Dilbert: How could the Elbonians afford to buy this company? Their whole country is just mud. Dogbert: They packaged the mud and sold it as a cosmetic on the "couch shopping network." They made trillions. Ad: $19.95. Dilbert: At least they know how to manage resources. Dogbert: They sold their entire country in little jars. Most Elbonians perished in molten lava at the earth's core. 
19950325	Salesman: ...But by far, this computer is our must user-friendly. The pre-installed software has only one button. And we press it before it leaves the factory. Dilbert: What does it do? Salesman: Whoa! I'm in over my head. Let me give you their tech support number. 
19950326	Copier: Please enter photocopier access code. Dilbert: What's the code for this machine? Co-worker: That's proprietary information. Dilbert: We work for the same company. My cubicle is down the hall. Co-worker: I have no way of verifying your claim. Anybody could come in here and say that. Dilbert: Ask me a question that only an employee of this company could answer. Co-worker: Okay. What is the access code for this copier? Dilbert: Sob. Co-worker: I just have one... 
19950327	Alice: In a way, I'm glad the Elbonians will run this company now. After years of being the only female engineer I'll enjoy watching the Elbonians discriminate against you guys. Yorgi: I didn't realize you had coffee wenches in this country too. Wally: I hope you don't want children, Yorgi. Caption: Continued... 
19950328	Alice: In this country we have a custom when men ask women to fetch coffee. Stand up...That's it...Now this will really surprise you. Wally: Oh God. I've never seen anybody get kicked into his hat before. Dilbert: That's gotta hurt. 
19950329	Boss: Our Elbonian owners sold the company to our biggest competitor. Our motto is "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em." Dilbert: I wonder what THEIR motto is. Boss: Their motto is "After you beat 'em, humiliate 'em." Dilbert: It's not very catchy. 
19950330	Liz: I built a spreadsheet to compare our relative qualities. I'm afraid I'm twenty percent too good for you. We must stop dating. Dilbert: No! Liz, you have the wrong formula in this column! That must mean I have higher math skills than you! We're almost even! Dogbert: You left that error in there intentionally. Liz: My last batch of flowers is wilting. 
19950331	Alice: I'd like to kick-off the project with the traditional bad-mouthing of the guy who worked on this before. HE'S SO SLIMY THAT SLUGS POUR SALT ON HIM. HIS BRAIN WOULD RATTLE IN A FLEA'S SKULL! Oh, and I'll need your files. Wally: Fleas don't have "skulls"!! 
19950401	Boss: Each of you will write your objectives and give them to me. Then I will sculpt these disparate pieces of clay into an elegant tapestry which will be our business plan. Alice: Our business plan will be like a clay tapestry? Boss: Feel free to quote me. 
19950402	Boss: I'd like you guys to check Anne's advertising materials for technical accuracy. Wally: Is this supposed to be funny? Dilbert: I don't get it. Anne: I'm only looking for technical help here. Wally: Hey! Maybe you could say something about those warning tags on mattresses! Now THAT would be funny! Dilbert: Or how about the fact that you can't look up something in the dictionary if you can't spell it? THAT'S funny! Anne: YOU'RE ENGINEERS, NOT COMEDIANS!! I WANT TECHNICAL HELP!!! Wally: This guy has an XP-6. It should be an XP-7. That's better. Anne: And he should be saying "I've fallen and I can't get up." Dilbert: Who picked these colors? 
19950403	Pointy haired boss: My laptop computer is locked up. Can you help? Dilbert: Remember you have to hold it upside down and shake it to reboot. Pointy haired boss: Oh, that's right. Wally: I wonder if he'll ever realize we gave him an "Etch-a-Sketch." 
19950404	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: Your best bet is to relocate the company to Russia. You can hire engineers for two cents a year! Boss: Is it difficult to weed out the dumb ones? Dogbert: No. And that leads me into the good news about their occupational safety laws. Boss: It's like heaven! 
19950405	Boss: I want to assure you that any rumors you've heard are false. We are NOT planning to relocate the company to the South Pole where easily trainable native Eskimos will replace you. Dilbert: That's good because there aren't any Eskimos at the South Pole. Boss: Excuse me, I have to make a phone call. 
19950406	Elbonian: We're offering attractive incentives to companies that move to Elbonia. Zero taxes, cheerful slave labor, amnesty from any inconvenient laws, and absolutely no environmental regulations! Boss: Is that the best you can do? Elbonian: Here, use my firstborn son as a lawn ornament. 
19950407	Dogbert: Try this little trick to improve your career... Anytime you want something your way, simply refer to your CEO by his first name and say he gave you directions during your very recent meeting. It's totally unverifiable. People will fear you and do as you say. You'll rule with an iron fist! Dilbert: You're a funny little dog. 
19950408	Dilbert: Just as I thought, my cubicle is two inches smaller today than yesterday! Boss: We installed real-time status adjusters in the cubicle walls. Sensors monitor your work and adjust the cubicle size according to your value. Wally: It's amazing how fast you get used to it. 
19950409	Boss: We ranked all the engineers from best to worst. We plan to get rid of the bottom 10%. That includes you, Wally. Wally: Your plan is logically flawed. If you fire the bottom 10%, you'll STILL have a bottom 10%. You'll fire and fire but there will always be a bottom 10%, until finally... When less than ten people are left you'll have to fire body parts instead of whole people!!! We'll have torsos and glands wandering around unable to use keyboards blood and bile everywhere!!! Dilbert: How'd it go? Wally: He fired my hair. 
19950410	Ted: This ergonomic keyboard is our first product developed under the "Big Q" program. The "Q" stands for quality. Dilbert: Speaking of Q...It's missing the letter Q. Ted: You sound just like our whiny customers. Dilbert: I guess the "Q" stands for "uality." 
19950411	Boss: Okay, so we shipped a million keyboards that don't have the letter "Q." What do we do? Ted: We could offer free upgrades to users who can prove they need a "Q." Boss: How many users need a "Q"? Ted: Well...There's the royal family... 
19950412	Dilbert: The pundits in the press are nailing us for shipping a keyboard with no "Q." Paper: News. Dilbert: It's a public-relations fiasco. Obviously, we need an engineering solution. I'm on the case. Users could use a graphics program to draw a "Q" in the unlikely event that they need one. Wally: Or we could replace the semi-colon; nobody uses them. 
19950413	Dogbert: You could offer free replacements for all the keyboards you sold without a "Q." Or you could blame the media for blowing it out of proportion. Wally: Let's blame the media. They'll admit they were wrong and the whole thing will disappear. Dogbert: You have a brilliant grasp of human nature, Wally. Wally: I know. My third wife always said the same thing. 
19950414	Caption: Dogbert the PR consultant. Dogbert: You shipped keyboards with no letter "Q." The public wants somebody to take responsibility. Boss: Ooh, ooh, pick me, pick me!! Dilbert: Responsibility means blame. Boss: Great...It's like the time I got burned on that "opportunity" assignment. 
19950415	Dogbert: Stick to the script, act sincere and beg your customers to forgive you. Boss: It was wrong for us to sell keyboards with no "Q." We're sorry. We're morons. We're dumber than squirrels. We hear voices and do what they command. I have broccoli in my socks. Dilbert: Good writing. Dogbert: Thanks. 
19950416	Wally: Looks like somebody has a job interview. Dilbert: Shhh. Interviewer: What do you consider your biggest fault? Dilbert: Sometimes I work too hard. Good one. Interviewer: Why is that a fault? Dilbert: Well...uh...I work so hard that I forget to eat and bathe for days. Eventually I starve to death at my desk. I become a bloated, stinking corpse. Insects breed in my body. I spread disease to the entire company. Wally: How did it go? Dilbert: They want somebody hungrier. 
19950417	Dogbert: I'm going into business as a financial advisor. It's easy. I'll tell all my clients to invest in the "Dogbert Deferred Earnings Fund." Dilbert: Isn't that a conflict of interest? Dogbert: Only if I show interest in the client. 
19950418	Caption: Dogbert: financial advisor. Dogbert: Stocks...annuities...derivatives...capital gains tax... It's all too confusing for you!! Give me all your money now or you'll die a pauper!! Now! Now! Before the interest rates fall!! Investor: Will this reduce my income taxes? Dogbert: More than you might guess. 
19950419	Caption: Dogbert: financial advisor. Dogbert: Here's a picture of you living in a dumpster in twenty years. But if you invest in the "Dogbert deferred income fund" take a look at what you could own someday!! Investor: I could own a mansion?!! Dogbert: You could own a photograph. 
19950420	Wally: We're moving to a new office across town. I volunteered to coordinate the move. I control your cubicle assignment. Nay, your very existence. From now on you will refer to me as "Lord Wally the Puppet Master." Dilbert: I don't think it's legal to enjoy your work this much. Wally: I banish you to the cubicle closest to your boss!! 
19950421	Wally: Allow me to introduce loud Howard. Howard: HI! Wally: I will make loud Howard your cubicle neighbor in the new office unless you give me your immortal soul!! Howard: NICE DAY! Dilbert: ...Fortunately I convinced him to take my laser printer instead... Dogbert: What did I say that sounded like "Tell me about your day"? 
19950422	Telephone: "To hear your urgent voice mail message press one..." "This urgent message is to all employees. Please disregard the rumors of a merger with a healthy company." Dilbert: Now spooked, the herd stampedes. Co-workers: Resume! Where's my interview suit??!! 
19950423	Tester: You'll be performing a "turning test" on our new artificial intelligence software. Try to determine if the responses on your screen come from our computer or a human in the next room. Dilbert: I'll ask it to write a strategy for our company. Monitor: "Our strategy is to visionize quality resources that enhance earnings." Dilbert: Hmm. I'll ask it how to motivate employees. Monitor: "Reorganize often to improve focus. Redefine work as 'opportunity' and increase it daily. Take time to ask for opinions then explain why they're wrong." Dilbert: It must be a computer because there's no human intelligence. Unless... Nice try, boss. 
19950424	Boss: We've got a lot of empty cubicles because of downsizing. I hired the Dogbert Construction Company to convert part of the office into prison cells which we'll lease to the state. Dilbert: Sounds like a big job. Dogbert: Nah. A little paint, new carpet and we're there. 
19950425	Dilbert: I don't think it's fair to put convicts in our spare cubicles. Dogbert: Don't be such a bigot. These people have made one little mistake. Otherwise, they're just like other people. Dilbert: I think there are a few differences. Dogbert: Yeah, their health plan is better. 
19950426	Convict: Hey, buddy, what are you in for? Dilbert: Unlike yourself, I am not a prisoner here. I CHOOSE to work here of my own free will. Convict: Great...I'm in the freak section. Dilbert: I LIKE to work. 
19950427	Boss: Effective immediately, we will no longer use our spare cubicles to house convicts. Wally: Yes!! Our opinions mattered! Boss: Actually, it's because the prisoners complained. Dilbert: I wonder what he plans to do with the spare cubicles now. 
19950428	Caption: Bad news in 1985. Boss: We're replacing the company doctor with a registered nurse. Caption: Bad news in 1990. Boss: We fired the nurse and put the aspirin and tourniquets in the vending machine. Caption: Bad news in 1995. Boss: We've been asked to increase vending machine revenue by fifteen percent. 
19950429	Dogbert: I'm planning to turn the house into a gambling casino. Dilbert: Isn't that illegal? Dogbert: Not in the republic of Dogbertland. I seceded from the repressive homeland this morning. Dilbert: I don't remember voting on that. Dogbert: Here's your green card. 
19950430	Boss: Let me introduce you to one of our engineers. Karen is our new vice president. And you are...? Dilbert: Dilbert: valued employee. Karen: I believe in open communications, Dilbert. Feel free to talk about anything. Boss: Uh-oh. Karen: So, what were you working on? Boss: Oh-no. Dilbert: Well...I was just sending an e-mail to somebody who sits by a window to ask if it's raining. If it's raining I'll fashion a raincoat from a large trash bag. Watch. Three holes and you're ready to go! Karen: Are you planning to go out at lunch? Dilbert: Only if it rains. 
19950501	Dogbert: I think the best way to pursue my goal of world domination is to become a talk radio host. I'll promote my unique conservative viewpoint that people are idiots who deserve to be mocked. Dilbert: Won't people show your viewpoint to be flawed by virtue of their intelligent questions? Dogbert: Like that one? 
19950502	Caption: Dogbert's talk radio. Dogbert: I'm the smartest creature in the universe and you are all dolts. Today I'm taking calls from people who think they understand complex issues because they watch "Crossfire" on CNN. Caller: ...So why not put all poor people in orphanages? Dogbert: Put your head up to the speaker, Bob. 
19950503	Dogbert: Today we're talking about sex after marriage. Many liberals support this depraved practice but I do not. It can lead to headaches, fatigue and unwanted family members who become consultants. Caller: Wouldn't you philosophy lead to the extinction of mankind? Dogbert: Cry me a river, liberal. 
19950504	Radio: Welcome to the Dogbert show. Today I talk about getting government off our backs. I dream of a world where someday you can buy liquor, cigarettes and firearms at a drive-thru window and use them all before you get home. Basically, anything that gets rid of people is okay with me. But before you go, buy my new book... 
19950505	Customer: My hobby is geography. Would you sign my book to each of the continents by name? Dogbert: Are you aware that my book recommends a twirling wedgie for people who ask for too much? Bob: We find the line moves faster if I do this to the first customer. 
19950506	Dogbert: I'm retiring from my media empire and putting my vast wealth into real estate. My plan is to buy all the property on Earth and evict everybody who doesn't agree to be my puppet. Dilbert: Can I be Kermit? Dogbert: That's a "Muppet." It's all spelled out in your lease. 
19950507	Caption: The 7 habits of highly defective people. Boss: Ow! Caption: 1. Ignore any signs of discomfort in others. Boss: But hey, I've been doing all of the talking. Caption: 2. Use humor to belittle people in public. Boss: Our newest team member has movie star looks. Specifically, Lassie. Caption: 3. Treat all complaints as the complainer's fault. Dilbert: You don't motivate me. Boss: Maybe you should see a therapist. Caption: 4. Show up late and raise controversial issues. Boss: I think we should license "Barney" as our mascot. Caption: 5. Give advice on things you don't understand. Boss: Try writing some assembly line code here. Caption: 6. Use compliments to show your prejudices. Boss: Ooh, nice crisp photocopy, Alice. I don't think a man could have done it better! Caption: 7. Think the comics are not about you. Boss: Hee hee! Look at the hair on that guy! 
19950508	Boss: Why is everybody putting signs on their cubicles? Dilbert: We thought it would be classy to name our cubicles the same way we name conference rooms. Boss: I know there's a catch...but what? Signs: Menendez Rooms / O.J. Room. 
19950509	Dilbert: I'm so lucky to be dating you, Liz. You're at least an eight. Liz: You're a ten. Dilbert: Are we using the same scale? Liz: Ten is the number of seconds it would take to replace you. 
19950510	Message: To: All Users. From: Network Admin. Please refrain from frivolous e-mail. It bogs down the network. Message: To: Network Admin. From: Dilbert. I agree! Dilbert: Have you noticed there's too much communication in the world, Dogbert. Dogbert: Yeah, every day at about this time. 
19950511	Dilbert: We could simply divide the check by three... Waitress: Uh-oh. Engineers. Dilbert: But that would result in an unpopular subsidy of Wally's salmon. Does anybody have a calculator-watch? Caption: Hours later. Ted: This is the tie-breaker round of water to decide if you get 13% or 13.5%. 
19950512	Boss: Today we have a motivational speaker from the "Discount Speakers Bureau." Speaker: You should, like, work harder...Otherwise you might get fired. Any questions? Dilbert: Would we get bonuses for working harder? Speaker: This must be the slow class. 
19950513	Ratbert: I'm going to interview successful people and write a book of their tips. I'll start with you, Dogbert. Dogbert: Set your alarm clock to go off every hour. Keep a big vat of "Jell-O" by the bed. When the alarm goes off, stick your head in the "Jell-O" and yell "Boy, I'm tired!" Ratbert: Thanks! Dogbert: Beware the advice of successful people; They do not seek company. 
19950514	Boss: Write up your accomplishments so I can decide who gets raises this year. Wally: Are you saying our raises will depend on our ability to lie about our achievements? Boss: No, there's also favoritism. Dilbert: And don't forget the importance of minimizing the accomplishments of others. "This year I saved a billion dollars in ways which are impossible to verify." Wally: "While the others plotted against you, I was applying an invisible rust inhibitor to your car." Alice: I can drop those off for you. Dilbert: Thanks. Have you noticed she's the only one who ever gets a raise? Wally: It's as if she has the accomplishments of three people. 
19950515	Dilbert: Who needs to sign my business case to buy a web server? Boss: Hmm...This crosses all departments. I fear it. Get the approval of every director, every VP, every EVP, plus Griffin. Dilbert: Do you mean Ted Griffin in finance or the mythical Griffin beast that's half eagle, half lion? Boss: Whichever is harder. 
19950516	Ted: I could give you marketing's approval right now... Or I could flex my vice presidential power and send you to gather more useless data...My ego would expand and I'd be a major stallion with my wife tonight. Do you think you can top that? Dilbert: I'll try, sir. What's your wife's address? 
19950517	Dilbert: I need your approval on my business case, Tom. I'll wedge it in here so you can claim you never saw it when I ask about it next week. Tom: Thanks. Dilbert: The weird part is that I can feel productive even when I'm doomed. 
19950518	Dilbert: Today I distributed 36 copies of my business case to various managers for approval. By my count, 20 are being misplaced, 6 managers will try to kill it for personal gain and 10 will come back with irrelevant questions. When I die I want to be buried, not cremated, so I can at least make ONE lasting impression on the Earth. Dogbert: I was planning to mail your corpse to somebody I don't like. 
19950519	Boss: We need to boost our return-on-assets ratio. Wally: Let's eliminate the security department. That would cut expenses while allowing for a brisk reduction in assets. Dilbert: When are you planning to tell him you were joking? Wally: After I furnish my den. 
19950520	Dilbert: You never answered my e-mail. Pointy haired boss: My secretary is out, so there's nobody to print my e-mail for me.  Bring me your message on hardcopy. Dilbert: I was out of papyrus so I chiseled my message on a little pyramid. Pointy haired boss: Did he work alone or were UFOs involved?
19950521	Pointy haired boss: Here's the company vision and business plan. Dilbert: "Vision: empowered employees working toward a common plan." Sounds good.  But the business plan is blank. Pointy haired boss: It's confidential. Dilbert: How am I supposed to know what to do? Pointy haired boss: I'll yell at you if you do the wrong thing. Dilbert:  I thought I was empowered. Pointy haired boss: Dont be so literal. Dilbert: I'll just keep doing what I was doing. Pointy haired boss: No!!! You Fool!!! Dilbert: We're doomed aren't we? Pointy haired boss: I don't know. I haven't seen the plan.
19950522	Pointy haired boss: Our policy is to employ only the *best* technical professionals. Dilbert: Question. Dilbert: Isn't it also our policy to base salaries on the industry *average*? Pointy haired boss: Right. We like them bright but clueless. Wally: I feel sorry for people like that. 
19950523	Dilbert: My salary depends on your opinion of my work. But you have no interest in understanding what I do, so... I hired the Dogbert Public Relations firm to hype my performance and get me a big raise. Dogbert: Press release: Engineer cures cancer while saving baby from burning building. Boss: That's not in his objectives. 
19950524	Dogbert: You can create the illusion that you work long hours by leaving voice mails for your boss at 4 A.M. Dilbert: Hi, this is Dilbert. It's 4 A.M. and I'm in my underwear and I thought of you...oops...erase...oops... Dogbert: Did you just send an obscene message to your boss? Dilbert: No...I think I hit the group code. 
19950525	Dogbert: Tell me your greatest accomplishments at work. I'll use that to hype you up with your boss so you get a big raise. Dilbert: I wrote a draft of a white paper on a strawman process to reengineer out product process. Dogbert: And what was the impact of this work? Dilbert: I think some owls lost their woodland habitats. 
19950526	Dogbert: You must learn to use your boss's ignorance to your advantage. Find out what impresses him and list it on your accomplishments. Boss: You're the actor in the "Barney" suit?!! I love that guy! Dilbert: Don't tell anybody my secret identity. 
19950527	Dilbert: In my dreams I float over fields of heather Heather: Hi! I'm Heather Dilbert: The flying dream always predicts an important change. I feel that my freedom will soon increase. Pointy haired boss: Does somebody else have a question for our new CEO? Dilbert: My finger is stuck.
19950528	Boss: I'm putting you in charge of project "BIFF." "BIFF" stands for "big improvements for free." Your job is to recommend ways to increase profits without spending money or changing anything. Dilbert: You have to spend money to make money. Boss: If we HAD money to spend we wouldn't need to MAKE money. Duh. Dilbert: The point is that you can make MORE money than you spend. Boss: I'm not following your so-called "point." Logically, anything I don't understand is unimportant. Have your report tomorrow. So, you recommend...replacing all managers with lava lamps. Dilbert: Here's a few bucks for the lava lamps. 
19950529	Pointy haired boss: I've decided to be more of a hands-on manager. Pointy haired boss: Move the mouse... up... up... over... more... NOW CLICK IT!! CLICK IT!! Pointy haired boss: NO!!! YOU FOOL!!! Dilbert: This has "long day" written all over it. 
19950530	Boss: Have you taken the mandatory training for business ethics? Dilbert: No. But if you SAY I did then you'll save some money on training which you can spend to decorate your office. Boss: Luckily, I haven't taken the training myself. Dilbert: I hear it's mostly common sense anyway. 
19950531	Boss: Hey! That little stuffed doll looks just like me! Dilbert: It gives me an emotional lift to have your likeness nearby. Boss: I never realized what he thought of me. Dilbert: Stop dropping in like that!! (WHACK!) 
19950601	Dilbert: My cellular phone and laptop computer allow me to work any time and anyplace. Dogbert: While driving? Dilbert: Too dangerous. Dogbert: In restaurants? Dilbert: Too rude. Dogbert: Outdoors? Dilbert: Nope. Dogbert: Basically, you lug them around and worry that they'll get stolen or broken. Dilbert: Stop it. You're scaring them. 
19950602	Dilbert: What's the hat for, Wally? Wally: It's a new safety rule. I think it's stupid. The e-mail from Human Resources said all short employees must wear these to improve visibility while in the cubicle aisles. Dilbert: H.R. should change their password once in a while. Alice: I'll bet we can make him wear aluminum foil pants. 
19950603	Financier: Here's your latest budget cuts. But please don't kill the messenger from finance, ha ha!! I recommend a 20% cut. A quick glance around the room tells me you're not on the success vector anyhoo, so nothing lost. Tough room. 
19950604	Dilbert: Your company makes an attractive little product, Jim. But we've decided to go with a vendor whose product actually works. Jim: FOOLS!!! I'LL CRUSH YOU!!! I'll tell your boss you made a stupid decision!! Your careers will be ruined and I'll get the contract anyway!! Wally: You can't scare us! Do you think our boss will believe a vendor over his own loyal employees? Both: Must...keep...a...straight...face... All: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA. Dilbert: We'll take a million units. Jim: Take two million and I'll see that you get nice raises. 
19950605	Interviewr: Why do you want to transfer to my department, Wally? Wally: I'm in a dysfunctional organization. I'm not getting the love and support I need. That's why I've been making long-distance personal calls from the Fax room. Interviewr: Your resume says every boss you've had was a complete jerk. Wally: So, when do I start? 
19950606	Boss: I hired renowned psychologist Dogbert to help us achieve peak performance in teamwork. Dogbert: Peak performance is somewhat relative. You're a highly dysfunctional team, so we must set realistic goals. Boss: What would be a realistic goal for us? Dogbert: I think I can postpone cannibalism. 
19950607	Caption: Dysfunctional team... Dogbert: I'd like everybody to turn to the right and say what you admire about that person. Boss: I admire your leathery skin, Alice. Alice: I admire your ability to figure out which side is your RIGHT in only two tries. Dilbert: I admire your ability to get paid for this. Wally: Despite the fact your face scares children, I admire your co-workers. 
19950608	Dogbert: In this team-building exercise you will make paper dolls while blindfolded. This may seem absurd. But soon, cognitive dissonance will set in and you'll cry and hug and think you learned something. Dilbert: Are you sure we'll cry and hug? Dogbert: Actually, hugging is iffy. 
19950609	Caption: Dysfunctional team... Dogbert: I'd like each of you to tell the team what you learned in my workshop. Alice: I learned to listen with my heart. I gained respect for others. I understand Sanskrit. I got my ham radio license. I can divide by zero... I love going first. 
19950610	Wally: You've got to increase the budget for training! Boss: If I train you, then wouldn't you just leave the company to make more money working for our competitor? Wally: I guess there is a downside. Boss: And the downside would be...? 
19950611	Instructor: Let's go around the circle and share what we learned in the three-day workshop. Wally: At first I thought it was a waste of our training budget... Then you asked us to form teams and make paper airplanes while blindfolded... I don't know if it was because of the darkness or the way we shared our thoughts about flight... But suddenly I found unconditional love for my co-workers. Be they accountants, be they marketeers, or be they secretaries. As a result, I've become a competitive lion, eager to pounce on my workload and increase stockholder values!! Instructor: Thank you, Wally. Dilbert, what did you learn? Dilbert: I learned that you shouldn't put a little eraser-pilot in your paper airplane. Wally: Somebody needs a group hug! 
19950612	Boss: Have fun working. I'm off to the two-week management retreat in the mountains. It's so sad you can't come. I guess there isn't room at the four-star hotel. Now I know why it's called a retreat. 
19950613	Wally: Hello, is this the mountain resort where all our executives are having a retreat? Is it true that loud noises can cause avalanches? If you see my boss, tell him I said... HI!! 
19950614	Boss: Great news! I've reengineered your job to make you more fulfilled! You'll no longer be limited to one little part of the value chain. You'll be involved in all stages of production! Dilbert: Oh Lord, you fired all the secretaries!! Boss: Dust my credenza. 
19950615	Dilbert: Lacking clerical support, the highly paid professionals line up at the copier. Their amazing analytical skills are squandered in this mindless task. Wally: No...it looks like the "toner" light doesn't turn off if you wait. 
19950616	Ratbert: My new goal, Bob, is to be the next heavyweight boxing champion of the world!! Don't let anybody ever tell you that you're too small or too slow or too uncoordinated. Bob: Or too clueless. Ratbert: Exactly! Now you're catching on. 
19950617	Boss: I see signs of productivity here. I'm moving you to another cubicle. Your phone and computer will be disconnected for weeks. Your files will be boxed and lost. Dilbert: Good Lord, you've abandoned all pretense of being on our side!! Boss: Loser. 
19950618	Ratbert: I've been invited to be a guest on "Crossfire" on CNN. I'm the only creature on earth who hasn't already been on television. Can you teach me how to debate on television, Dogbert? Dogbert: Okay. First, Ratbert, assume everybody has the same desires and experiences as you. Ratbert: Absorb absorb. Dogbert: Therefore, if they disagree with you they must be stupid. Dilbert: I think you're over-simplifying, Dogbert. Dogbert: What was that opinion, Ratbert? Ratbert: Stupid! Dogbert: You're ready for "Crossfire," Ratbert. Ratbert: I usually like the same movies as the fat one. 
19950619	Ratbert: I've been hired by the finance department to help cut spending. I'll be studying your every move and looking for waste and inefficiency. Those words in boldface look like they're sucking up the ol' electricity. 
19950620	Ratbert: I'm from the finance department. I'm here to reduce costs. It might seem like all I do is come up with short-sighted ways to save money while making your job harder. But there's another side to this story. Wally: And that would be...? Ratbert: I forget. 
19950621	Ratbert: The finance department has analyzed your computing needs and decided to give you a 286 PC. That should be sufficient for the 3D-rendering you need to do. Besides, how many times are you going to do 3D-rendering in your career? Dilbert: Once, if I hurry. 
19950622	Ratbert: I recommend standardizing on one type of computer for the office. We must identify and eliminate the deviant users of Macintosh, Unix and...God help us...OS/2 Warp. Caption: The Holy Wars begin. Ratbert: Don't lie to me, Gustav! You're a stinkin' Mac user!! 
19950623	Wally: Mister Catbert, the company is trying to force me to use a different kind of computer. You're the human resources director. What are you doing to stop this religious persecution??! What ever happened to "diversity"?? Catbert: The longer you verk here, diverse it gets. Next.
19950624	Computer Holy Wars Wally: Hold it right there, buddy. That scruffy beard...Those suspenders...that smug expression...you're one of those condescending unix computer users! Condescending Unix User: Here's a nickel kid. Get yourself a better computer.
19950625	Pointy Haired boss: Take care of this, Alice. Alice: "Take care of this"? this would double my workload. I've already got so many projects that I can't do anything useful with any of them. But if success is impossible then...I'm...free. Free! Free! ha ha ha ha ha The result will be the same no matter what I do! yes yes yes Honk honk! Pointy Haired boss: Moving along...we need to inventory our office equipment. Dilbert: Sounds like a job for Alice.
19950626	Pointy Haired boss: I asked Saint Dogbert to mediate our dispute over what kind of computers are allowed here. Dogbert: I shall go to the desert and seek enlithtenment. When I return I will reveal the true path of computing.  Palm Springs Dogbert: You call this an endorsement contract?! Go to the end of the line!
19950627	Pointy Haired boss: Alice, I want you to benchmark these world-class companies. Find out how we compare. Alice: I'm betting they don't make verbs out of nouns. And i'll bet they don't assign engineers to to field research. Alice: Do you guys have any pointy-haired idiots running your place? Would you like one?
19950628	Alice: As you requested, I benchmarked our company against five world-class companies. Alice: The comparisons are irrelevant because we're in different industries. But that didn't stop me. Pointy Haired boss: Why can they make a potato chip in one second but it takes us months to develop software? Alice: I think they oil the chips.
19950629	Dogbert the consultant. Dogbert: One way to look at your problem is that nobody likes your products. But I don't know how to fix that. So I recommend forming internal business units to bicker with each other. Pointy Haired boss: Why would you recommend that? Dogbert: Well, I'd be lying if i said i liked you.
19950630	Boss: We're going to follow the advice of the Dogbert consulting company and form "Battlin' Business Units." We'll spend most of our time cross-charging and undermining the other BBU's. Wally: A little competition is healthy. Boss: Whatever you do, DON'T tick off the janitorial BBU. 
19950701	Caption: Dogbert the consultant. Boss: We took your advice and formed Business Units within the company... Now we spend all of our time fighting with each other about who does what. What exactly did you mean when you said it would "guarantee future business"? Dogbert: Oh look -- my contract just expired. 
19950702	Boss: I'd like you all to meet our new co-op employee. We don't pay him. He works for free to gain valuable job experience. I'm putting you in charge of the PTG project! Co-op: Wow! What is it?!! Alice: PTG stands for "paper towel guy." If somebody spills coffee it's your job to throw your body on it before it reaches one of us. Oops. Co-op: FIRE IN THE HOLE!!! How'd I do? Alice: Not so good, kid. That was tea. 
19950703	Stan: Ha ha! Now that the engineers must charge their time to marketing, we OWN you! Dilbert: I'll just reprogram your computer through the LAN so it's radiation will alter your DNA. Stan: Is that possible?! Dilbert: As far as you know. 
19950704	Dilbert: I told a guy in marketing that I programmed his computer to alter his DNA structure. Wally: Hee hee. Dilbert: He thinks he'll turn into some kind of animal. Wally: Tell him you set it to "weasel." It'll take longer to notice any change. Stan: Tell me the truth, Alice. Can Dilbert reprogram my DNA? Alice: Yeah. You marketing guys only have one helix. 
19950705	Alice: Maybe you shouldn't have told Stan you reprogrammed his DNA through the LAN. Those marketing guys believe anything. They even believe market research, for heaven's sake. There's no telling what the power of suggestion might do. Stan: Well, thank you very much. 
19950706	Dilbert: I jokingly told stan in marketing that I reprogrammed his DNA. He's so gullible that he's actually changing! Dogbert: You must use his gullibility to reverse the process. Remember, his entire reality is shaped by unverified customer anecdotes. Dilbert: I heard a rumor of a story of an alleged focus group where a quote taken out of context indicates you're not becoming a weasel. Stan in Marketing: I'm not? Yipeee!
19950707	Dilbert: Our new dress policy at work allows casual clothes on fridays. Dogbert: That's good, because studies have shown that fridays are the ONLY safe day to dress casually; any other day would cause a stock plunge. Dilbert: Is it just me or is that policy stupid? Dogbert: That's not an "or" question.
19950708	Pointy haired boss: I want us to have the same kind of teamwork as the egyptians who built the pyramids! Alice: Some scholars believe the pyramids were built by slaves. Pointy haired boss: But there's some doubt; that's all i'm shooting for. Dilbert: I think they were guided by ufos too.
19950709	Dilbert: We desperately need another person on my project! Boss: We're already over headcount. Get a contract employee. Dilbert: Okay, but they cost twice as much. Plus we need to buy a computer. Boss: Rent one. We're over our capital budget. Dilbert: Renting is expensive. We'll go over our expense budget. Boss: I'll fire Wally. That will free up some cash. Dilbert: Wally's on my project! Forget it! I'll just work sixteen hours a day!! Boss: That worked out perfectly. I think I might be a genius or something. I wonder if I should have told him the project was canceled last week. 
19950710	Dilbert: Everybody in engineering uses this program I wrote. I think marketing should turn it into a product. Ted: I wouldn't buy this. Dilbert: That's irrelevant because the target market would be engineers. Ted: Engineers think the same as marketeers. Dilbert: If that were true we'd be sitting in a cave trying to decide if rocks are edible. Ted: You know, you could keep recipes on this. 
19950711	Dogbert: I am Saint Dogbert. I have come to drive out the stale and overused jokes about the Information Superhighway. Employee: Sometimes I feel like roadkill on the Information Superhighway! Dogbert: Don't make me come over there! 
19950712	Liz: I think you like that computer more than you like me. Dilbert: That's not true, Liz. I do NOT like that computer more than I like you. Please, please. Don't ask about the laptop. Liz: "That" computer? 
19950713	Dilbert: Okay, let's start by documenting your market requirements. Ted: No, let's start by you telling me all the things you can design. Then I'll tell you which one I like. Dilbert: Work can be very rewarding. You should try it. Ted: What's that doohickey you have there? 
19950714	Boss: Carol, the next time you order my business cards, spell out my full title: "Director of Product Enhancements." Don't use the Acronym "DOPE." Carol: I didn't know you were the Director of Product Enhancements. 
19950715	Boss: I want you to study our options for project "Zebra" and make a recommendation. Both: Translation: "Read my mind than recommend the option I've already decided on." Dilbert: I'll get right on it! Translation: "I am doomed. I will go look for naughty pictures on the Internet instead." 
19950716	Boss: I've decided to make some changes to our corporate culture. Wally: Let me guess what that means. We'll work longer hours without extra pay... Your management style will remain exactly the same because Lord knows there's no need for YOU to change. Dilbert: We'll start calling ourselves a "team" so it doesn't seem like work! Alice: I predict there will be vapid slogans printed on notepads, and maybe some useless meetings. Dilbert: She's psychic! Is it just me or is the culture already changing? Wally: I FEEL IT! WE'RE CHANGING! What's next on the fad menu? Boss: I wonder if it's too late to rule by fear. 
19950717	Liz: What did you bring to read? Dilbert: It's a book of tips for my new computer golf game. Liz: So...you're reading a book...about a computer simulation...of an activity that's ALMOST a sport... That's about as close as you can get to being a non-organic life form. Dilbert: This chapter is about driving the little cart. 
19950718	Boss: That's an interesting suggestion, Wally. But if it's a good idea, why aren't other companies doing it? Wally: Can you imagine in your WILDEST dreams that maybe, just MAYBE I had a good idea that nobody else thought of?!! Boss: You must have seen it in a book. Wally: Thanks for the confidence in my abilities. Dilbert: You read a book? 
19950719	Dilbert: I dont know what kind of gift to buy for Ted's baby shower. Wally: Hand-crafted items are good. Cut three holes in a paper bag and you've got a lovely baby dress. Dilbert: He might think I'm cheap. Wally: Do you think the kid has a salt shaker yet?
19950720	Ted's baby shower. Ted: Oh look, it's a stapler... I can use this to take up the hem on the lovely handcrated paper bag dress that Dilbert made. It looks just like the one that disappeared from my cubicle this morning. Wally: Except yours had staples.
19950721	Mom: It's really different around here since we lost Dilbert's dad. Liz: When did he die? Dilbert: He's not dead. We lost him at the mall, Christmas of '92. Liz: Shouldn't you be looking for him? Mom: I said it's different, not worse. 
19950722	Liz: I can't believe your father has been lost at the mall since 1992! If my father or my husband were lost at the mall I'd be searching for him twenty-four hours a day!! Dilbert: We're waiting for a sale. Mom: You're a bit of a whiner, aren't you, dear? 
19950723	Wally: I had a few suggestions on your document, Alice. Alice: Thanks. (BONK.) Boss: I've made some upgrades to your document, Alice. Alice: That's just what it needed: a bunch of obtuse acronyms and jargon. Oooh, looky! You've also made elegant multi-topic sentences out of my stubby clear ones! Boss: Thank you. And put me down as the author since I'm the boss. Alice: Maybe I should distribute little plastic statues of you with every copy. How about that? Here's your copy, here's your statue, don't ask. Dilbert: Our quality is low, but at least we don't get credit. 
19950724	Wally: As usual, the boss is late. What do you want to do? Dilbert: Let's practice making small talk. It'll come in handy when we meet with marketing. Wally: So, Alice, haven't we seen that ourfit a lot? Dilbert: This chair is springy. Do you think they're all springy?
19950725	Dilbert: It's amazing how much we've changed since prehistoric times. Our ancestors just sat around in caves, grunting and drawing on the wall. Wally: Not very productive. Dilbert: Iwas just this, all day long. Wally: mmm yup.
19950726	Wally: my proposed work plan for the year is to stress-test our product under severe network conditions. I will accomplish this by downloading large image files from the busiest servers on the net. I was this close to making it my job to download naughty pictures. Dilbert: It's just as well; I would have had to kill you.
19950727	Dilbert: Bob, your self-esteem might improve if you got a job. Bob: As what? Dilbert: There's an opening in our procurement department. You'd be perfect. Bob: What does procurement do? Dilbert: Their job is to prevent us from getting the computers we want. Bob: Can I hit people with my tail. 
19950728	Manager: Your duties are simple. People will come to you and ask for things. Assume all employees are lying, treasure-hunting thieves. Give them low-cost substitutes and claim the savings on your accomplishments. Paul: I asked for a multimedia laptop PC. This is a "Dymo" labeler. Bob: Nice try, Paul, if that's your real name. 
19950729	Caption: Bob in procurement. Bob: I'm afraid the equipment you want is not on the approved equipment list. Let me think...If I add this to the approved list, that's more work for ME...but if I say no, it's more work for YOU...Hmm...think, think... Wally: I'd like to see this alleged list. Bob: Well, it's not so much a physical list as it is a philosophy. 
19950730	Wally: Our new VP has an "open door policy". Let's check it out. Dilbert: Knock knock. Hi ho. Nothing important. We just wanted to drop in. Wally: This open door policy is great. Our last VP was aloof. Dilbert: Are those sourballs? Wally: Look at all the furniture in here! Dilbert: I call couch! VP: Is there something I can do for you? Dilbert: Well... sometimes our cubicles are too hot. Wally: Could you have somebody look into it? Dilbert: Boy, those sourballs sure lull you into a false sense of security. Wally: The man is like a huge insincere sider.
19950731	Dilbert: (I think, therefore I am. But I'm micromanaged, therefore I am not.) Dilbert: I have a philosophical question for you. Dogbert: You're not me, therefore you're irrelevant.
19950801	Dilbert: We're planning to hire a temp at work. You should apply for the job, Ratbert. Ratbert: Wow! Me? A temp? As a temp I would finally get all of the respect and unconditional love that I deserve. Dilbert: (Danger: sharp learning curve ahead.) Ratbert: I assume I'll get an office and a secretary?
19950802	Ratbert: I submit myself as a candidate for the position of "temporary employee. I'm VERY temporary. First I'll be in one place and then you blink and I'm gone! Blink, gone, blink, gone, blink, gone..." Interviewer: Stop saying "blink, gone". It's making me nuts. Ratbert: It appears that the balance of power has shifted my way.
19950803	Dilbert: Congratulations on getting hired as a temp, Ratbert. Ratbert: Where do I start?! Dilbert: Your office is in this cardboard box in the main hallway. The regular employees will not make eye contact or ask your name. Your status is roughly between the security guard and the crud behind the refrigerator. Ratbert: Do I get a company car?
19950804	Ratbert the temp worker. Ratbert: (This is really testing my sense of self-worth. I will compensate by shouting a list of my talents to anybody who walks past.) Dilbert: Ignore him. He's trying to truck us into making eye contact. Ratbert: I eat rubber! I carry disease! I enjoy opera!
19950805	Ratbert the temp workher. Ratbert: I'M ONLY A TEMP, BUT I DEMAND RESPECT! Okay, maybe that's too much to ask. But I demand that somebody make eye contact with me!! Pointy haired boss: How's this? Ratbert: That's peripheral vision!!!
19950806	Psychologist: When did you start believing that your boss was an evil entity from another dimension? Flashback. Pointy haired boss: I'd like to sit in on your customer meeting. Dilbert: (Uh-oh.) Pointy haired boss: Let me share the high level strategic view. Dilbert: (Here we go.) Pointy haired boss: Life began in the primordial stew literally hundreds of years ago... but we are the only company who ever found synergies in our win-win situations! Two hours later. Pointy haired boss: And we won't stop until we delight every customer! Customer: I'd be delighted if you just told be about your new Internet access product. Pointy haired boss: I cancelled the funding yesterday. Who's up for a tour of our cubicles? Dilbert: Gotta go.
19950807	Catbert the HR director. Catbert: (I think I'll invent some illogical policies to annoy employees. My diabolical new dress code will make them question their own sanity.) Dilbert: ... so, casual clothes DON'T lower our stock value... but only if worn on Fridays... unless somebody sees us... got it? Wally: I think I'm insane.
19950808	Alice: I don't understand your new dress code policy, Mr. Catbert. Catbert: Maybe you're insane. It's simple. Fridays are "casual". But you can't wear jeans because jeans look good and feel good and you already own several pairs. Alice: It's another sadistic human resources plot to make people quit. Catbert: Say hello to unsightly panty lines.
19950809	Wally: Well, it wouldn't be Friday if I didn't see Alice wearing her one pair of tan pants. I love the "business casual" look for the way it combines unattractive with unprofessional while diminishing neither. Alice: Do you think the fashion opinion of a male engineer matters to me? Dilbert: Twins!
19950810	Pointy haired boss: My plan is to make you a self-directed team. After a few team meetings, the disrespect you have for each other will fester and grow into full-blown loathing. You'll BEG me to mircomanage you!! Ha ha ha!! Wally: It actually feels good to have a plan.
19950811	Pointy haired boss: I'm reorganizing the department into fast-moving teams. Wally: Good plan. We'll never realize we're powerless, micromanaged serfs after we call ourselves a "team". Pointy haired boss: (I need some less experienced people.") Wally: I feel faster already. Alice: The G-forces are killing me.
19950812	Dilbert: As you requested, I dropped everything and wrote my career development plan. Plan: I plan to bounce from one artificial emergency to another, like a ping-pong ball in a clothes dryer, until one day I resign. Dilbert: Here I'm using humor to make a point... Pointy haired boss: FAX THIS TO HR NOW!!!
19950813	Dogbert: Here'show your marketing department can help retain your best engineers. Marketing gets an idea. Marketer: We'll leverage our technology by building ant farms. Spreadsheets make the idea look profitable. Marketer: The and milk alone will be a positive NPV! Pointy haired boss: Wow! (What's an NPV?) Don't forget the "worst case scenario". Marketer: Worst case, somebody builds a gigantic magnifying glass next door. Solution: Bite-sized ant jerky! Pointy haired boss: There's no risk! An engineer will be assigned to the project. Pointy haired boss: Ant farms! Do it! Dilbert: (Uh-oh.) The engineer will challenge the assumptions. Dilbert: You can't get a gallon of milk from an ant! Pointy haired boss: What do YOU know about marketing? Result: The engineer will never leave the company. Interviewer: So... your current job is "ant farm engineer"? Dilbert: (I'm doomed.)
19950814	Dilbert: My status for the week is that the ongoing dehumanization from my job has caused me to doubt my existence. There is reason to believe I'm becoming invisible. (plink.) Pointy haired boss: Do I hear your pager buzzing, Wally? Wally: I doubt it; I don't keep batteries in it.
19950815	Dilbert: The dehumanization of my job has rendered me invisible to humans. Only you can see me, Dogbert. How can we fix this? Dogbert: You could wear a bag on your head when you're around me. Dilbert: That's not the fix I had in mind. Dogbert: It's not a perfect solution. I'd still be able to hear you.
19950816	Dogbert: You're invisible to your co-workers. But you can compensate by forming a symbiotic relationship with a visible creature. Ratbert will cling to your back. He'll be your visual and auditory link with your co-workers. Ratbert: So... working hard? Or hardly working? Wally: I KNEW this Colombian coffee was trouble.
19950817	Ratbert: Don't be alarmed. I'm not really a rat floating in midair. I'm clinging to the back of an employee who has been rendered invisible by a long succession of worthless assignments. Pointy haired boss: Looks like an isolated case of bad attitude. Mouse: Which room is the "quality" meeting in?
19950818	Dilbert: I significantly increased my visibility at work today, Dogbert. Yesterday I was invisible to my management. But today I am known by all. Dogbert: You screwed up, huh? Dilbert: Ooh yeah. Big time.
19950819	Dilbert: I know where you're going. You're going to a meeting where equally uninformed managers will make decisions that neuter the work I did all week. Alice: You didn't do any work this week. Dilbert: I think I've got this whole "work" concept figured out. 
19950820	Dilbert: Please don't promise the product manager more than we can deliver. Product manager: We need a new software interface in one month. Pointy haired boss: You got it. Product manager: And rewrite the operating system so we dominate the industry. Pointy haired boss: Concurrent development. Check. Product manager: (Suddenly I feel omnipotent.) I want all new hardware, anti-gravity packaging, holographic agents... Pointy haired boss: Yawn yawn. Product manager: Can your team really do that in a month? Pointy haired boss: Let me get their reaction. Wally: AAAGH!! Pointy haired boss: Pessimism will not look good in your performance review. 
19950821	Carol: Your expense report was rejected by accounting. Dilbert: Why? Carol: Because the emptiness of their shallow lives makes them want to hurt others in order to validate their pathetic existence. Dilbert: Can you help me clear this up? Carol: To be honest, I'm kinda buying in to their philosophy.
19950822	Soul check. Dilbert: If it's okay, I'll hold onto my soul while I visiting the accounting department. Dilbert: I cam to answer your questions about my expense report. Accounting troll: Take a seat. Dilbert: I don't like the way this is starting.
19950823	Dilbert's expense voucher. Accounting troll: What are you trying to pull?? Do you think we're idiots in accounting? Dilbert: No, I swear, I think you're smart but sadistic trolls with many humanoid characteristics. Dilbert: (Apparently there was no right answer.)
19950824	Dilbert's expense voucher. Accounting troll: You spent nearly $10 per day on meals during your trip. The travel guidelines require you to stun a pigeon with your briefcase on the way to the hotel then fry it up on your travel iron. Dilbert: I tried... but it was taking so long. Accounting troll: Try the "wool" setting.
19950825	Dilbert is trapped in the bowels of accounting. Dogbert: I understand you have Dilbert in there. Free him, or else... Accounting troll: Else what? Dogbert: Or else I will put this cap on BACKWARDS! Your little hardwired accounting brain will explode just looking at it. Dilbert: What was that popping sound? Dogbert: A paradigm shifting without a clutch.
19950826	Bob: Sometimes I feel self-conscious because my brain is so brain is so tiny. Here, let me reach in my ear and pull it out. Dogbert: I think that's ear wax, Bob. Bob: Maybe. But I'm putting it back just in case.
19950827	Pointy haired boss: I made a few changes to the design. Dilbert: We'll have to work around the clock for months to make these changes. Pointy haired boss: Work smarter, not harder. Wally: You're trying to violate the laws of physics. Pointy haired boss: Rules were made to be broken. Dilbert: This design would create enough radiation to instantly kill the user!! Pointy haired boss: Be sure to mention that in the documentation. Dilbert: Let's work smarter not harder. Wally: I think we found the only "beta" tester we'll need.
19950828	Pointy haired boss: Tina, you'll have all the documentation written by next week so we can ship it when the software is done. Tina: How can I write instructions for something that doesn't exist yet? Pointy haired boss: You'll have to make logical guesses. Tina: "If you press any key your computer will lock up. If you call our tech support we'll blame 'Microsoft'."
19950829	Dogbert: I feel like tweaking some brittle people. Do you know any brittle people? Dilbert: Try Tina the tech writer. She believes that all forms of expression are an insult to her gender and her profession. Dogbert: The statue of "Venus de Milo" has no arms. Tina: Oh, I get it. You're saying that women can't life heavy objects.
19950830	Caption: Dogbert tweaks Tina the brittle tech writer. Dogbert: What do you think of the movie "Thelma and Louise"? Tina: I know what you're trying to say. You think all women are bad drivers. That's really the point of the movie, isn't it?? Caption: If you're not offended yet, tune in tomorrow. Dogbert: The "Three Stooges"? Tina: Why are ALL of the documentaries about MEN??! 
19950831	Dogbert tweaks Tina the brittle tech writer. Dogbert: Is technical writing the same as word processing? Tina: NO!!! I am a highly skilled communications professional! I can take jumbles of inert thoughts and bring them to life!! Pointy haired boss: My secretary is running the staff meeting. I need you to retype this org chart. Dogbert: The doctor is in!
19950901	Dogbert: This week we introduced Tina the brittle tech writer to the strip. Tina is dysfunctional like everybody here except me. Tina: Rrrr. Dogbert: Send your opinions by e-mail to scottadams@aol.com. It's the only way we can learn. Tina: Rrrr. Caption: Pick one. A. Women should only be portrayed as lawyers and starship captains. B. I don't have e-mail. C. Tina should be treated with the same dignity as Dilbert and Wally. D. Take an art class. 
19950902	Records retention. Dilbert: These valuable documents should be stored for five years. Employee: (This job got so much easier when I realized that nobody ever asks for anything back.)
19950903	Dogbert: My laptop keeps freezing up. Come take a look at it. Dilbert: I'm telecommuting, Dogbert. I can't be distracted by home projects. Don't come another step closer. This is my virtual cubicle, within which I can not be disturbed. These invisible walls form a cone of productivity around me. Within this zone I am a dedicated employee, totally focused on the corporate vision. Nothing can distract me from my firm commitment to the work-at-home principle. Dogbert: Fine. I think I'll set the couch on fire. Another victory for the distractor. Dilbert: I swear, someday principle will win. 
19950904	Pointy haired boss: Profits are down, morale is sinking; It's time for bold leadreship!! So I got some inspirational posters featuring a variety of relevant nature scenes. I think you can relate to this scene. Wally: Am I the seagull or the clam?
19950905	Boss: My new inspirational poster is so effective that I decided to carry it with me. What do you think, Alice? Are you inspired? Alice: I'd really have to see the front... Boss: Hmm...I don't think there's a win-win scenario here... Alice: Tell me about it... 
19950906	Pointy haired boss: My inspirational posters aren't working.  I need to do some animal research, Ratbert. Ratbert: Ready!! Pointy haired boss: In this beautiful scene we see a mighty eagle swooping down to capture its prey.  What is your reaction? Pointy haired boss: I think it's working. Ratbert: Run for it Mom!!!
19950907	Wally: I should quit and become a contract employee. Then I'd have more income and I'd feel the wind in my hair. Dilbert: It's possible you'd have no income at all... And if you want wind in your hair you'll have to take off your shirt and run around with your arms up. Wally: Thank you for your support. 
19950908	Wally: Alice, I'm thinking about quitting and becoming a contract employee. Do you have any advice? Alice: Sleep in doorways so it doesn't rain on you. The best shopping carts are at "Lucky." You can make an excellent sign with a black marking pen and a hunk of cardboard. Wally: I hate all of my co-workers. Alice: Despite the name, food stamps are NOT edible. 
19950909	Dilbert: I need to think "outside the box" to come up with a creative design... I push my chair into the hallway to change my viewpoint and stimulate my creative juices. Suddenly my juice dries up. Boss: You're a fire hazard. Do your thinking inside your box. 
19950910	Boss: We just hired Jack away from our competitor. He was their best manager. Jack will be in charge of project "Goosefood." I'd like you two to brief Jack on the project. Dilbert: Project "Goosefood" has no budget and no management support. Wally: Your job is to build a global information network in two weeks. Dilbert: Failure is certain. Soon you will leave the industry in disgrace. Wally: ...Just like the other "best managers" we hired from our competitors. Jack: Just out of curiosity, how did the project get its name? Wally: Let's just say that you're the goose food... 
19950911	Catbert: As the director of Human Resources I've been asked to reduce the cost of employee benefits. The company will no longer pay for eyeglasses. But we WILL support a new vision-correction procedure. Dilbert: Radial Keratonomy? Catbert: Squinting. 
19950912	Boss: I have to cut janitor expenses. Do you think I'll have any H.R. issues if I make employees empty their own trash? Catbert: We'll soften the bad news by simultaneously introducing a new employee fitness program... Willy: Okay, everybody, it's time to trashercise!!! 
19950913	Dilbert: I'm writing an e-mail to protest the new policy of making the employees empty their own trash at night. It's stupid to have highly paid engineers doing unproductive tasks when we could be inventing the future! Wally: Are you coming to the "Quality Faire"? Dilbert: No, this will take another hour. 
19950914	Repairman: Here's the problem. We've got a whole nest of paper trolls. AAIIEE! Dilbert: If I call 911 now I'll never know if the lower paper tray would have worked. 
19950915	Dilbert: Here's my time sheet, filled out in increments of fifteen minutes. As usual, I coded the useless hours spent in meetings as "work," whereas the time I spent in the shower designing circuits in my mind is "non-work." Interestingly, even the time I spend complaining about my lack of productivity is considered "work." Carol: I hate my life. 
19950916	Boss: If the department meets it's goal for the quarter you can shave my head! Dilbert: That would be a big improvement. Wally: He's trying to save money on a haircut. Alice: If we double our goal can we iron your shirt, too? Boss: I need some less experienced employees. 
19950917	Marketer: It's time for marketing to put the glitter on this software you've created. With my guidance this will become the premier data backup software. Wally: Bear in mind that we said it would take six months to write it. Dilbert: You only gave us a month. Marketer: We'll fix the bugs in the next release. Tell me about the features. Wally: At this point all it does is erase your disk drive. Dilbert: Unless you're on a network. Marketer: What happens if you're on a network? Wally: It erases everybody's disk drives. And heaven help you if you have a modem... Dilbert: It calls all your friends and erases their PC's. Marketer: We'll call it "QuickProtect." Dilbert: If you have a sound card it swears at you. 
19950918	Dilbert: Where are you taking all of that office equipment? Wally: I'm having a garage sale. Our new company slogan is "Act like you own the company." So I've been selling the stuff that I don't use and keeping the money. Dilbert: Is that my new color monitor? Wally: Yeah, I never used that thing. 
19950919	Wally: I'm happy to report that I have embraced the now company slogan "Act like you own the company." This morning I fired the marketing department and had security escort them out. Boss: That's not exactly what we had in mind... Wally: Fortunately I anticipated your reaction. 
19950920	Phone: Press "one" for sales. Press "two" in a hopeless effort to get technical support. (2.) Press "one" for answers to questions you don't have. Press "two" if you're gullible and optimistic. (2.) Press "two" if you're willing to buy something just so you can talk to a human being... 
19950921	Dilbert: I've been on hold for tech support since Tuesday. Get Bob and meet me in the car. Bob: I can't wait to try my newest maneuver, the "Turban Wedgie." It starts like a regular wedgie, then I wrap it around his head. Dilbert: Question... 
19950922	Boss: Alice, I've decided to add a resource to your project. Alice: WE'RE HUMAN BEINGS, NOT "RESOURCES"!! Boss: Would it help if I told you that resources are our most valuable asset? 
19950923	Boss: I found software that helps managers write performance evaluations. It's made by the same company that makes fortune cookies for Canada! Wally: That makes me feel better. Caption: Next day. Wally: "Don't buy a new car." Dilbert: I didn't think you knew how to use a PC. Boss: My secretary wrote these. 
19950924	Dilbert: I have to take a contract to our company lawyer. I need your help, Dogbert. Please review this contract. I need it today. Lawyer: Give me all of your copies plus the original then go away. Dogbert: DON'T DO IT! HE PLANS TO LOSE THEM!! Dilbert: Good dog! Lawyer: Dang! I cannot approve this. Somebody might sue us for no good reason. Dilbert: That's true with any contract. Isn't he using absurd logic? Dogbert: Let's find out. Approve the contract now or I'll sue you for obstruction of dogs!! Lawyer: Okay. Okay. Dilbert: Wow. Dogbert: The great thing about absurd logic is that it fits any situation. 
19950925	Boss: We're having an ISO 9000 audit this week. Take a look at your documented job descriptions and make sure that it's what you're doing if the auditor asks. Dilbert: According to this I'm some sort of engineer. Wally: As if we'd have time for that. 
19950926	Dogbert: I've been hired by your company to perform an ISO 9000 audit. Dogbert: Basically, you give me money and I tell you that you're a bunch of dolts. It's the perfect job for me. Dogbert: Tell me what you do here, Alice, if that's your real name. Alice: I'm an engineer. I make slides that people can't read. Sometimes I eat donuts. 
19950927	Dogbert: Here are the results of my ISO 9000 audit of your company. Dogbert: Your employees are largely untrained and -- I couldn't help notice -- fairly unattractive. Dogbert: However, they are also highly skilled liars, so you passed the audit easily. Pointy haired boss: We succeed where it counts!!! 
19950928	Wally: Alice is sitting in for the boss! Dilbert: Productivity at last !!! Wally: Efficiency! Yes!! As long as she doesn't get an attitude...
19950929	(title): Alice sits in for the boss Alice: I will approve your expense voucher on one condition. Alice: You must slay the creature who stalks the office at night and eats our hidden snacks!!! Dilbert: It has to be either you or the security guard. Ratbert: Slay him first and see if the problem stops. 
19950930	Mouse: You're making a big mistake. I'm no ordinary mouse. If you kiss me I'll turn into a prince!!! Mouse: Did I say "prince"? I meant I'd become the symbol for the performer formerly known as Prince. Ha ha ha!! Get it? Mouse: You're immune to both romance and mirth. You must be a... a... Dilbert: That's right. I'm an engineer. 
19951001	Dilbert: Wish me luck, Dogbert. Dogbert: If you get more luck, wouldn't there be less luck available for me? Interviewer: For "desired salary" you wrote "one million dollars." Dilbert: Yes, thanks for asking. Interviewer: Perhaps the question is misleading. The application should have asked what salary you *expect*. Dilbert: Oh... Well, I expect you'll hire somebody more qualified and my salary will remain unchanged. Interviewer: No, too honest. I'm looking for something *close* to reality, with maybe twenty-percent fantasy layered on top. Dilbert: Okay, I'd like a fifteen-percent raise and a little shoulder massage. Dilbert: Why does it seem that I'm the only honest guy on Earth? Dogbert: Your type tends not to reproduce. 
19951002	Pointy haired boss: We're poised for success. We expect huge earnings and increased market share! Pointy haired boss: Next on the agenda... There will be no raises because it will be a difficult year... Pointy haired boss: Carol, I thought I told you to put the "United Way" update between those two agenda items. Carol: Oopsie. 
19951003	Interviewer: Your résumé doesn't list any experience as a jet pilot, Mister Dogbert. Dogbert: How hard could it be? Dogbert: You could spend a lot of money on some pretty boy pilot with experience, or you can save a few bucks and have *me* drive the corporate jet. Interviewer: I *am* under a lot of budget pressure... and I'm not allowed on the jet myself... Dogbert: It has a pilot eject seat, right? 
19951004	Dogbert, Corporate jet pilot. Dogbert: Attention passenger. I'm captain Dogbert. This is my first flight. I'll bet you wish you hadn't cut the corporate training budget. For safety, keep an eye out the window... If it looks like we're gonna hit the ground, try jumping up right before impact.
19951005	Dogbert, corporate jet pilot. Dogbert: This is your captain speaking... I you'd like to land safely, there's something I've always wanted to see a CEO do. CEO: This is so not funny.
19951006	Dogbert: This is captain Dogbert with some good news and some bad news. The good news is that we'll be hitting town ten minutes ahead of schedule... The bad news is we'll be hitting town.
19951007	Dogbert: It looks like the plane's going down and there's only one parachute. CEO: Give it to me!!! I'm a CEO with a Harvard MBA. You're a dog!! Dogbert: That's my knapsack. CEO: Old joke.
19951008	Wally: That's four hours that I'd like to have back. Dilbert: Who called that meeting anyway? Dilbert: I must have left my calendar in there. Primitive man: Oooh Dilbert: I've discovered a primitive donut-scavenging man clad only in yellow sticky notes!! Primitive man: I was once like you, before the great RIF. Primitive man: But rather than leave in humiliation I decided to stay and live off the land like our proud ancestors. Primitive man: To ensure a bountiful harvest I do my donut dance to the gods. Primitive man: When that doesn't work I distribute meeting notices. Dilbert: *YOU'RE* THE ONE!! 
19951009	Pointy haired boss: We'll succeed if we understand who our competitors really are! Wally: My competition is Dilbert and Alice, with whom I compete for salary increases and rare promotion opportunities. Pointy haired boss: I meant our external competition. Wally: Tell me again what we make. Dilbert: No raise for you, idiot boy. 
19951010	Pointy haired boss: I've decided to get more involved with your project. Dilbert (thinking): {Uh-oh.} Wally (thinking): {Uh-oh.} Pointy haired boss: I'm just going to roll up my sleeves and pitch in. Pointy haired boss: Does anybody know how to work these buttons? 
19951011	Pointy haired boss: Okay, just show me how to program so I can help out on your project. Dilbert: You're going to build a "G.U.I." using object-oriented development tools. Wally: G.U.I. is pronounced "gooey". Pointy haired boss: I used my gun object to blast the bug object in the hall object!! Wally: Notice how gooey it is. 
19951012	Dilbert: Our original project time line was twelve months... but since you pitched in to help... Dilbert: I don't have an exact end date, but it's roughly the same time that the sun becomes a cold dark chunk of coal the size of your forehead. Pointy haired boss: We'll need flashlights. Dilbert: And sweaters. It could get nippy. 
19951013	Catbert: As director of human resources I have developed a policy for handling the employees who complain. Catbert: It's a big hole. I'll trick the whiners into getting in it. And then I'll cover them with sand. Pointy haired boss: I don't see how this could possibly work. Catbert: There's a detailed explanation at the bottom of the hole. 
19951014	(title): Catbert the H.R. director Employee: My job is too stressful. Can I see a company counselor? Catbert: I re-engineered our counseling process. Now we put you in a big hole and cover you with sand. Employee: If this is my only benefit I'd better get a *lot* of sand! Catbert: Just keep your mouth open.
19951015	Pointy haired boss:  Why do you want to be our new "long range planner", Mister Dogbert? Dogbert: Because "long range" is very far away... Dogbert: ...therefore it will be impossible to evaluate my performance. Dogbert: If it's not too much to ask, I'd like to be on flex-time so you'll never know if I'm supposed to be at work. Dogbert: I'll need an internet connection at home so I can telecommute and not pollute. Because I give a hoot. Dogbert: Also, I'd like to be in a group with lots of losers. That way I'll get the biggest raise when we're ranked. Pointy haired boss: You're hired. All of the other applicants demanded relocation expenses and I have no budget for that. Dilbert: Why do *I* have to work while you just look for poodle graphics on the internet? Dogbert: Don't work too hard; I'd like a big raise. 
19951016	Female Employee (thinking): {I wonder if I'm wearing enough fragrance.} Wally: AIEEEEE!! Female Employee: {I'd better increase the dosage until I hear some compliments.} 
19951017	Dilbert: Dogbert, your mission is to tell my co-worker that her perfume is killing us. Wear this gas mask. Dilbert: Use humor to ease the tension. Dogbert: Good idea. Dogbert: Did you hear the joke about the woman who stank like a hog rendering plant? Female Employee: Three times today... 
19951018	Dogbert: I have failed in my attempt to subtly tell you that your perfume is killing people. I will try a direct approach. Dogbert: HEY!! YOU SMELL BAD!!! B-A-A-A-D!! Female Employee: Should I give you CPR? Dogbert: No-o-o-o!! Let me die!! 
19951019	Angel: Welcome to heaven, Mister Dogbert. Dogbert: Wow, it looks like you guys relaxed your standards! Angel: Dogs are automatic. No matter what you do, there's always a place in Heaven for every little dog. Angel: I'd like that back now, if you don't mind!! Dogbert: What kind of distance can you get with these little "frisbees"? 
19951020	Angel #1: Mister Dogbert, we've decided to send you back to Earth as an angel. Angel #2: Your mission is to help people in need. We have given you special powers. Angel #1: We'll be watching. Wally: Okay, so what's the price for new hair *plus* buns of steel? Angel #1: Ahem. Dogbert: It's all on the price sheet. 
19951021	Dilbert: Are you saying that you're an angel now? And you have special powers to help people. Dogbert: Exactly. I instinctively know what people want and I can give it to them with a snap of the paw. (paw: SNAP) Dilbert: Are you having any trouble controlling it? Dogbert: My aim stinks. 
19951022	Pointy haired boss: This graphic shows our biggest obstacle to success. (graphic: a fishbone diagram with six acronyms:) RDS ZPL ABP NDP QAT LNP Alice, Dilbert, and Wally: ? ? ? Wally: Are you saying our biggest obstacle to success is poor graphics? Alice: I think he's saying our biggest problem is his overall inability to communicate. Dilbert: I think his point goes beyond communication. He's showing us that he doesn't even *think* clearly! Alice: HIGH FIVE!! Wally: YOU BROKE THE CODE! Pointy haired boss: You know how I said you should participate more in meetings? I didn't mean it. 
19951023	Angel: We've decided to revoke your angel status. You're giving us all a bad name. Dogbert: Your problem is that you define "healing" too narrowly. I'm making ugly people look attractive, and that's important, too. Dilbert: Is it too late to go back to my old look? Dogbert: Why? You're beautiful! 
19951024	Pointy haired boss: Carol, about this flight to New York that you booked for me... Pointy haired boss: Is it really necessary to make all these stopovers in third-world countries that are experiencing rebel insurrections? Carol: You'd better wear the international symbol of the "Red Cross" on your back. 
19951025	Dilbert: Terrible news: My boss assigned me to a fun and valuable project. Dogbert: Uh-oh. That means at least three morons will be assigned to similar projects. You must find them and crush them... Dilbert: Exactly. Dilbert: Carl, old buddy, whatcha workin' on these days? Carl: Nothing fun and valuable. Shoo shoo!! 
19951026	Dilbert: Wally and I have bet about why you assigned me to the same task as three other people. Dilbert: I believe it's a clever ploy to create healthy internal competition. Wally thinks you're just dumber than the average cauliflower. Pointy haired boss: May I point out that cauliflower is the brain of the fruit kingdom. Wally: YES! 
19951027	Ted: Three other people asked for that same information. You must be on redundant projects. Ted: Here's a big binder which at first glance seems useful, but you'll realize later it's not. Ted: I've got a few more useless binders. Do you want 'em? Dilbert: Sure. I'm using them to build an addition to my cubicle. 
19951028	Wally: It looks like somebody is using binders to illegally increase the size of his cubicle. Wally: You think status will increase with your cubicle size, don't you! Well it won't work! Pointy haired boss: Here's a raise. I don't know why. Female Employee: Psst. Is he seeing anybody? Wally: RRRR 
19951029	Dilbert: Helen, do you have any staples in the supply cabinet? Helen: No, I only stock the basics: cheap pens with green ink, big jars of glue and ribbons for obsolete printers. Dilbert: Could you order some staples? Helen: You need to give me the order number. Dilbert: Okay. Can I see your supply catalog? Helen: Wally borrowed it. phone: rrring Helen: I'd better get that; it might be personal. Dilbert: sob Dilbert: Wally, do you have the... Wally: I need your help with this. Pull up a chair. Alice: I need both of you to come talk to a vendor that we'll never use. Dilbert: Thanks to teamwork, I almost stapled something today. Dogbert: I'm so proud to know you. 
19951030	Caption: Headquarters. Manager 1: Hey, Chuck's looking unhappy today. What's the problem, big guy? Chuck: All of my bad decisions are catching up to me. Could we do another reorg to cover my tracks? Manager 2: Yeah, I've got some bodies to bury, too. Boss: "...These changes will allow us to focus on our core business." Wally: Whoa! Let me get my reorg boots. 
19951031	Wally: I don't understand how the new reorganization will help us "focus on our core business." Did our core business change? Or are you saying that EVERY reorg prior to this was a misdirected failure? Boss: Wally, when a car gets a flat tire, what do you do? Wally: Well, if I'm you, I rotate the tires and drive home. 
19951101	Catbert: Guess what, Wally. Wally: What sadistic plot has H.R. come up with now, Catbert? Catbert: We're giving you a real boss plus a "dotted line" to another boss who has different objectives. The status reports alone will take forty hours a week. Wally: I'm gonna staple myself to death. 
19951102	Dilbert: I heard you got assigned on a "dotted line" to our boss' archrival. Wally: Groan. Dilbert: Look on the bright side. Think of yourself as leading the exciting life of a secret double-agent! Wally: Don't most double-agents get captured and executed immediately? Dilbert: They WISH it was immediate. 
19951103	Dogbert: The "Dogbert Corporate Art Source" will provide low-cost paintings for your walls. Our motto is "If it's in a frame it will look like art to you." Boss: How much do the paintings cost? Dogbert: Six dollars a pound. 
19951104	Dilbert: How did you get the contract do supply our company with wall art? Dogbert: Low bid. As we speak, my assistant is scouring the Earth in search of low-cost art. Building: SCHOOL-O-ART. Ratbert: I'll take it!! 
19951105	Dilbert: I worked all night but I finished the presentation package you wanted. Boss: Put the presentation date on each page. Dilbert: Those are color transparencies. It would take hours and cost hundreds of dollars to reprint them. There's no reason to date them. In fact, it would limit future use and clutter the page. But since you're incapable of admitting error... I eagerly await your bizarre, other-worldly explanation for putting the date on each page. Boss: Some people might not have calendars. And we have to make sure it's not a holiday. (BAM!) Dilbert: Ouch. My brain exploded. Boss: The first presentation is February 30th. 
19951106	Ratbert: I've come to be your personal digital assistant. Use the little pen to write messages on my stomach. I'll use state-of-the-rat technology to interpret your handwriting. Weave...me...a...cone...yoo...cupid...bat... 
19951107	Dilbert: Why are you putting a sign on the coffee maker? Label Guy: It's an ISO 9000 requirement. Everything must be clearly labeled. Dilbert: That's stupid. Label Guy: Believe me, I don't like it any more than you do. Shirt: Stupid Label Guy. 
19951108	Dilbert: The project status is "yellow light." In user tests we found that the product locks up every twelve seconds. The interface is incomprehensible and the manual is pure fiction. I think it's clear what we need to do... Boss: Ship it and hope somebody writes a "Dummies" book about it? 
19951109	Caption: Saint Dogbert enters the land of cubicles searching for demons of stupidity. Suddenly he finds an over-promoted computer guru spouting useless database concepts. Guru: You'd be fools to ignore the Boolean anti-binary least-square approach. Caption: The monster is dispatched to the dark world by the sight of its most feared object. Dogbert: Look! Actual code! Employee: Cool! 
19951110	Boss: How long will it take to fix any problems we find in our beta product? Dilbert: It's logically impossible to schedule for the unknown. Boss: Try to think as a manager, not as an engineer. Dilbert: In that case, we'll fix the problems before we find them. 
19951111	Dilbert: This next transparency is an incomprehensible jumble of complexity and undefined acronyms. You might wonder why I'm going to show it to you since the only possible result is to lower your opinion of my communication skills. Frankly, it's because I like making complex pictures more than I like you. 
19951112	Boss: Mister Catbert will explain our new "Total Compensation Plan" for excellence. Catbert: We no longer view compensation in the narrow terms of salary alone. Everyone: Danger! Danger! Catbert: If employee benefits go up, then salaries can go down and it all balances out. For example, did you know you could lower your blood pressure by rubbing my soft, furry belly? Alice: It might be a trick! Wally: What's the worst thing that could happen? Catbert: HA HA HA!!! IT'S A HEALTH BENEFIT! NOW I'LL CUT EVERYBODY'S SALARY! Dilbert: I've noticed that the more health benefits I get, the worse I feel. 
19951113	Boss: Our goal is to write bug-free software. I'll pay a ten-dollar bonus for every bug you find and fix. Dilbert: YAHOO! Alice: WE'RE RICH. Wally: YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! Boss: I hope this drives the right behavior. Wally: I'm gonna write me a new minivan this afternoon! 
19951114	Dilbert: The company pays me ten dollars for every bug I fix in my code, Ratbert. I want you to do your little rat dance on my keyboard so I'll have lots of bugs to fix. Ratbert: How am I doing? Dilbert: Not so good. You just authored a web browser. 
19951115	Wally: My accomplishment this week is that I've become an agent of change. I foster and reward those behaviors that contribute to a culture of teamwork. Dilbert: I've become slightly more cynical. Wally: Keep up the good work, buddy. (Pat pat.) 
19951116	Programmer: I used to write programs using punch cards...but I'd rather be fishing... Alice: Look, you bearded road apple, if you answer one more of my questions with an irrelevant story I'll snap you into next week!! Caption: Sometime next week... Wally: Looks like a hole in the space-time continuum. Dilbert: Did you hear a snap? 
19951117	Boss: I think we should build an SQL database. Dilbert: Uh-oh. Does he understand what he said or is it something he saw in a trade magazine ad? What color do you want that database? Boss: I think mauve has the most RAM. 
19951118	Boss: From now on I'm going to be more proactive. YOU'RE FIRED!! Dilbert: For what?? Boss: I don't know yet. That's the problem with being proactive. 
19951119	Boss: We need to ship the V-1 product tomorrow. I promised our CEO he can announce it at the shareholder meeting. Wally: That's two months early!! Dilbert: We haven't added any features yet!! What would we ship? Our lab prototype is the only V-1 in existence! Wally: NO...YOU WOULDN'T! Boss: I've scheduled press tours so you can do demos all next week. Wally: ON WHAT?! Dilbert: We'll need twenty thousand dollars to build another prototype! Boss: That reminds me; I froze the budget for the rest of the year. If there's anything you'd like me to do, don't hesitate to ask. Wally: Yeah. I'd like you to do something... Ooh...I think I should have hesitated to ask that. 
19951120	Caption: Dogbert the Consultant. Dogbert: I recommend that you reorganize to strengthen the core competency of your company. As luck would have it, your core competency is "giving money to consultants." Boss: I don't think that's the ONLY thing we're good at. Dogbert: It depends on if you count "whining." 
19951121	Dogbert: My consulting partner, Ratbert, will demonstrate how to inform employees that their jobs will be outsourced. You're history. Scram. (Boot.) Boss: How do I get them all stooped over? Dogbert: I recommend a program of very bad ergonomics. 
19951122	Wally: This new policy of keeping our keyboards on the floor is ridiculous! Dilbert: The only possible explanation is to make us all stooped over so it's easier for management to kick our behinds! Ha ha ha!! Wally: Ha ha ha! Dilbert: Wait a minute...That IS the only explanation. Wally: Cover me; I'm going to the printer. 
19951123	Boss: The company has decided to outsource all of the functions that we're not any good at. Everyone: YIPPEE! YAY! Wally: When's your last day? Alice: Uh-oh...They're not good at knowing what they're not good at... 
19951124	Wally: I don't understand why some people wash their bath towels. When I get out of the shower I'm the cleanest object in my house. In theory, those towels should be getting cleaner every time they touch me. Alice: Maybe I could hug you every day so I don't need to take showers. Wally: Are towels supposed to bend? 
19951125	Boss: I've gotta run to the Post Office. Carol: You go the Post Office every day. Are you aware that you can buy more than one stamp at a time? Boss: Apparently you don't understand the concept of "float." 
19951126	Salesman: The clever salesman evaluated his prey. Guard: Badge. Sign: Vendors sign in. Salesman: I hope he's an important decision-maker. Dilbert: Take any seat. I call the good chair. Salesman: Warning! Cubicle! Low-ranking employee. Dilbert: Here's our organization chart: President...Senior Vice President...Vice President... Okay, lift your foot. Do you see that coffee stain on the carpet? Salesman: That's you? Dilbert: No. That's my boss. I would be under the carpet. Salesman: Do I have any hope of talking to somebody who can make a decision? Dilbert: Let me check. Hey, Wally. What's a "decision"? Wally: It sounds like something our competitors do. 
19951127	Dilbert: My password for the network isn't working. Net Admin: Fill out a help request online. Dilbert: I can't get online because my password doesn't work... Net Admin: Send me an e-mail message about it. Dilbert: I CAN'T SEND E-MAIL BECAUSE I CAN'T GET IN THE STINKIN' NETWORK!!! Net Admin: Geez, you're worthless... 
19951128	Dilbert: Does Human Resources offer any treatment programs for people with dysfunctional Internet connections? Catbert: I recommend the "yarn therapy." You'll be wrapped in a huge ball of yarn and used as furniture in my office. Dilbert: Is this like the famous "ropes" course where I learn to solve problems as part of a team? Catbert: Exactly, except here you learn to become my couch. 
19951129	Wally: Alice, did you hear that Dilbert's network connections isn't working? Alice: Uh-oh. Wally: He is what we call a technology "have not." His competitiveness in the global economy will last as long as this French Fry. Alice: So sad. After lunch, I'm going to use something called "Electronic Mail." You can watch if you promise not to touch anything. Wally: SNORK! Gulp. 
19951130	Dilbert: We've been dating for a year now, Liz. There's something I'd like to do tonight... There are some needs that I can't fulfill at work. Liz: I understand. Dilbert: YES! YES! Liz: How long has your Internet connection at work been broken? 
19951201	Boss: We just shipped our newest product. You folks in tech support will need to be trained so you can avoid any embarrassments. We had a monk write the training material on a grain of rice. We could only afford one, so you'll have to share it. To be honest, I'm not sure we had a real monk. He wrote everything in Pig Latin. 
19951202	Dogbert: Does your boss give you orders and later deny it? Do you get in trouble for doing what you're told? The "Dogbert Detective Agency" will videotape it all and embarrass your boss with proof! Boss: What??! Why did you do this??! Dilbert: This is the happiest moment of my career. Dogbert: Lights! 
19951203	Willy: Working late again, huh, Alice? Alice: Seventy hours this week... Willy: Me too. Thank goodness for overtime pay. Alice: Overtime pay. Willy: Allow me to explain. Unlike you so-called "exempt" employees, my income increases if I work additional hours. I'm pulling in seventy-five thousand a year and half the time I just hide in the basement reading "Fishing" magazine. The only down side is that I don't get to enjoy the intellectual stimulation of my co-workers the way you do. I don't know what I like better -- deep sea fishing or cubicle fishing. 
19951204	Saleswoman: On one hand, my company does use inferior technology in our products... But on the other hand, I'm the most attractive female that has paid attention to you this year. Dilbert: What kind of engineers do you think we are??! Wally: Do you have pictures of your field support people? 
19951205	Alice: I can't believe you're recommending this lousy vendor just because the sales rep is gorgeous. Wally: Here's a picture of Thor, their field engineer. Alice: Does he really work without a shirt? Wally: Only if you buy the "Indian Chief" maintenance package. 
19951206	Dogbert: Your employees have recommended a vendor who has an attractive salesperson. But the "Dogbert Technology Company" can provide you with a solution for HALF the cost! Boss: I'll save money! What if I need to upgrade later? Is it expensive? Dogbert: I must have left that price sheet in my other fur. 
19951207	Dilbert: So, you ignored my recommendation and bought a low-cost system that's totally inadequate... You compensated for this blunder by making it part of MY objectives to make the system work... You'll get a bonus for saving money. I'll get fired, thus saving you more money and earning you ANOTHER bonus. Boss: I'm on a roll. 
19951208	Dogbert: It's funny -- Before your company bought that critical system from me, YOU had all the power... BUT NOW ONLY I CAN PROVIDE ESSENTIAL UPGRADES!! I CALL THE SHOTS, YOU SIMPLE FOOL!! Send in the next employee. Ted: At least we don't have any multi-vendor compatibility issues. 
19951209	Dogbert: It's inexplicable, but the low-cost system I sold you seems to be woefully underpowered. You could replace it with another vendor's system, thus showing everybody you made a mistake. Or you can pay my outrageous upgrade fees. Boss: How big a fool do you think I am? Dogbert: I won't know until I see if you go for the lease option. 
19951210	Egghead: Hello, is this the "Help Desk"? Dogbert: No, that group got reengineered out of existence. I'm the new "No Help Whatsoever Desk." My job is to make sure you never call again. Egghead: Can you tell me how to make a piechart? Dogbert: Crush your computer into small chunks, add flour and bake one hour. While you're waiting, read the free novel we sent you. It's a Spanish story about a guy named "Manual." Repeat the process until you get the desired result. Egghead: This lost a LOT in the translation. 
19951211	Boss: Send this by e-mail. Fax it, too, in case he doesn't check his e-mail. And mail the original so he has a clean copy. Carol: Goodbye "paperless," hello "clueless." 
19951212	Boss: It's status report time where each of you gets to prove what poor communicators you are while I act interested! Remember to use lots of acronyms that only you understand. And speak in a whiny monotone that makes us all want to slap you! Wally: I'm starting to lose my idealism. 
19951213	Salesman: No, you fool. That modem will never fit your need. Dilbert: The specs look okay. Salesman: You're an idiot compared to me! Put that down! It's the wrong interface! The WRONG interface!!! Dilbert: Is he on commission? Cashier: Yes, he pays us a dollar per customer. Salesman: Rrrr. 
19951214	Carol: Wait-a-minute...I'm starting to realize something. My job title is Senior Associate, yet I spend my time doing clerical work...And unless I'm mistaken, I'm the lowest-paid employee. Dilbert: Is this a bad time? Carol: AAAGH!! I'M A SECRETARY! 
19951215	Wally: I read somewhere that certain religions require their initiates to perform pointless never-ending tasks to rid them of their egos. Boss: What now? 
19951216	Dogbert: When I conquer the world I'll have a secret handshake to identify the people who will be part of my new ruling class. Cross your eyes and stick out your tongue. Good, now vigorously slap your face. The people who aren't doing that will be identified as my new ruling class. (SLAP!) 
19951217	Boss: Alice, our records show that you haven't taken a vacation all year. Company policy requires you to use your vacation days. Alice: How?? You told me to work seven days a week to prepare the project for your boss's year-end review. Do you want me to meet the artificial project target or the artificial vacation target? HELLO!!! THESE ARE MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE GOALS!!! HELLO!!! Ooh...Sorry. I usually just think that last part in silent frustration. Boss: Moving right along...Kudos to Wally for using all of his vacation days ahead of schedule. Wally: Get over it, Alice. We can't all be superstars. 
19951218	Boss: Our new slogan is "Everybody is in sales." Imagine if all our employees convinced their friends to buy our product, eventually... Alice: ...We'd have no friends? Wally: What's this "friend" thing I keep hearing about? 
19951219	Dilbert: My company asked all employees to act as salespeople to friends and family. I think you could use this, Mom. Mom: Why would I need a primary rate circuit? I've already got a frame relay drop to my web server in the sewing room. Dilbert: This is going to be a tough sale. Mom: Hello-o-o! Earth to Dilbert! This is packet data... 
19951220	Alice: Hey, what's Dogbert doing here? Dilbert: This is "Bring your dog to work day." Alice: There's no such thing. Dogbert: I'm through the security firewall and into the personnel records. Dilbert: We need to talk. 
19951221	Dilbert: It isn't ethical to hack into the payroll computer and give me a raise, Dogbert. Dogbert: Not ethical?? Is it ethical for them to make you work seventy hours a week and only pay you for forty??!! Dilbert: How about a five percent raise? Dogbert: Well, there is the issue of the quality of your work... 
19951222	Dogbert: Most business plans fail. Obviously, success is not a realistic goal. But the people who manage the most spectacular failures get promoted first because of their experience. Dilbert: That's the most cynical thing I've ever heard in my life! Dogbert: Thanks. I'm blushing. 
19951223	Dilbert: On the advice of my dog, I'm asking for an additional ten million dollars for my project. That will make a more spectacular failure, thus guaranteeing a promotion for me. Boss: As your boss, I'd get recognition, too...Okay. Wally: Wow! Do you have any advice for me?! Dogbert: Breath mints. 
19951224	Caption: Happy Airlines. Dilbert: Vacation, here we come! (Click click click click click click click click click click.) Dilbert: Why do they have to enter so much stuff in the computer? (Click click click click click click click.) Dilbert: They already have our reservation and seat assignment in there. What else do you need? (Click click click click click click.) Dilbert: I'm developing a sudden fear of flying. (Click click click click click click click click click click click click.) Dogbert: Step aside. WHAT'S GOING ON UP HERE??!! Attendant: Gate 13. Have a nice flight. Dogbert: Okay. Monitor: "They never saw their beloved luggage again. The misfits always regretted offending Tantra, the goddess of flight. The end." (Click click click click.) 
19951225	Wally: I got myself one of those "900" phone numbers. I make money every time somebody calls for my valuable advice. (Ring ring ring ring ring ring.) Dilbert: Do you ever answer it? Wally: Voice mail...Get with the nineties. 
19951226	Wally: This is a living document. Boss: AAAAH!! Alice: Next time, just say you plan to update it. Dilbert: Mine's dead. 
19951227	Dilbert: Okay! This is one tidy little cubicle now! The cleanliness of one's workspace is a sign of how much one enjoys ones job. Alice: Give me the cleaner; It's my turn to fantasize that I'm a maid. Dilbert: Five more minutes...please. 
19951228	Dogbert: I declare myself "King Dogbert," the first ruler of the Internet. BOW BEFORE ME OR BE EXPELLED FROM THE KINGDOM FOREVER!!! Dilbert: Are you aware that the Internet is comprised of millions of individuals and organizations that operate independently? Dogbert: Until now! 
19951229	Monitor: Your new software is successfully installed. Do you want to send your registration info by modem? Dilbert: Yes. Monitor: The software has found your credit card number and is placing orders for new products it thinks you need...Please wait. Dilbert: Uh... Monitor: Making room on your hard drive... Dilbert: I can't tell if it's a virus or just excellent marketing. Dogbert: Either way... 
19951230	Caption: Correction. Dogbert: A recent Dilbert strip used the words "ant farm" to describe a habitat for ants. Lawyers have informed me that "ant farm" is a trademark of "Uncle Milton Industries, Inc." They demand a public clarification. Dilbert: What SHOULD we call a habitat for worthless and disgusting little creatures? Dogbert: Law school. 
19951231	Boss: I've got an idea! All: We're doomed. Boss: Why can't we run our inventory database over our e-mail system? Dilbert: Fact: That is the stupidest idea in the universe. Wally: Fact: His comprehension is so limited that debate is futile. All: Fact: We could spend hours unsuccessfully explaining why it's a stupid idea. Fact: He would never know if we used his idea or not. Dilbert: No problem. Wally: We'll get right on it. Boss: My work is done. Wally: Stupidity is like nuclear power; it can be used for good or evil. Dilbert: And you don't want to get any on you. 
19960101	Dogbert: A while back I asked for opinions about this new character, "Tina the brittle tech writer." Tina: Rrrr. Dogbert: Results -- Most people, including nearly all self-described feminists, said keep her. But there were many requests to add "non-stereotypical" female characters for balance. In the interest of balance I give you "Antina." Antina: Is anybody up for some math? 
19960102	Antina: Hi, I'm Antina the non-stereotypical woman. That computer monitor you're using is supposed to be 17 inches. But it's more like 16.5 inches. I took the coffee machine apart just for fun -- Want to see? 
19960103	Ted: I've decided to mask my boyish looks by growing a beard. Wally: I didn't think Ted was smart enough to know how to grow a beard. Dilbert: Hee hee. Caption: Two weeks later. Ted: How do you like my beard? Boss: My search for a new manager is over. 
19960104	Boss: I promoted Ted to be your new manager. I used to think he looked boyish, but his new beard changed that. Alice: Are either of you the least bit concerned that Ted's beard is growing from his forehead? Ted: She made it sound as if it's wrong. Boss: You can punish them for having bad opinions. 
19960105	Ted: As your new boss I have yet to select my "pet" employee. I shall do this by closing my eyes and pointing the beard on my forehead. To make it fair, I'll close my eyes while one of you spins my chair! Dilbert: Alice...um...Technically this isn't "spinning." Label: Stairs. 
19960106	Pointy haired boss:How do you like being a manager, Ted? Ted:Yesterday my staff pushed me down ten flights of stairs.  My soul left my body and now I'm a lifeless evil entity. Pointy haired boss: Just in time to do performance reviews! Ted: I couldn't have planned it better. 
19960107	Dilbert: Why do I have a feeling of impending doom? Pointy haired boss: Good news! Dilbert: Uh oh. Pointy haired boss: You won't have to spend another day in this tiny cubicle. Dilbert: I'm getting an office? Pointy haired boss: Better! You're getting a roommate! Dilbert: Why??? We've got plenty of empty cubicles! Our company owns the whole building! Pointy haired boss: The finance department charges my budget for the square footage we use. Dilbert: It's a false savings! You're hurting the company! Pointy haired boss:  All I hear is a faint buzzing. Dilbert: Oh well.  How bad could it be? Roommate with boom box: I hope you like baked beans and square dancing as much as I do!
19960108	Caption: Performance review. Ted: Your engineering work was excellent, Alice. But there was the little incident where you... SHOVED ME DOWN A FLIGHT OF STAIRS AND KILLED ME, THUS INVITING THE FORCES OF DARKNESS TO POSSESS MY BODY!!! Alice: Back! Dilbert: How'd it go? Alice: I swear, this job is all politics. 
19960109	Dilbert: My new boss is possessed by an evil force. We need your advice, dogbert.  Dogbert: There is only one solution. You must drive a stake through his heart.  Dibert: There's no way we could be so cruel.  Alice: Can I borrow your pen? All I have is this wimpy retractable.
19960110	Dilbert: Alice is ready to drive a stake through the heart of our demon-possessed boss. (WHACK WHACK WHACK.) Ted: It's times like these when I'm glad my heart is the size of a raisin! Alice: I need all of your pens, including "Blue Betty." 
19960111	Dilbert: I would never buy something over the Internet. I'd hate to have my credit card number floating around out there. There are a lot of unscrupulous people on the Net. Caption: Later. Dilbert: ...Bottom line, it just doesn't make common sense. 
19960112	Carl: It's time for a visit from "Camping Carl." Dilbert: There goes my entire morning. Carl: I'd like to begin with a monologue entitled "Woe Is Carl." I'm working every minute! Dilbert: They all laughed when I built the escape tunnel. 
19960113	Wally: Gotta hurry. One...two...three... I have twelve seconds to get to the shared laser printer. Alice: Guess who saved the Apollo 13 space mission. Dilbert: Did you know that Wally invented the cursor? 
19960114	Wally: We need to have a little talk... You told me to finish my project in a week but it's taken two months. This doesn't look good for your ability to estimate resource requirements. Frankly, it's not much of an endorsement of your leadership either. I was uninspired the whole time. And don't even get me started about your incompetence at budgeting. I spent WAY more than you predicted! Your incessant demands for status reports were like a rope that strangled my productivity! Bottom line, your performance did NOT meet my expectations. Dilbert: So, Wally, do you still think the best defense is a good offense? Wally: It seemed like such a good idea. 
19960115	Dogbert: I call my new operating system the "Dogbert 2000." Soon I will dominate the entire PC industry! Heh-heh... Dilbert: It looks like "Windows 95." Dogbert: I use some of the same graphic metaphors, but I pronounce them differently. Dilbert: How do you pronounce the "Microsoft" logo? 
19960116	Dogbert: After I become a billionaire from my software company I'll do a little dance. I'm so rich it's me you hail. If I'm obnoxious kiss my tail. Dilbert: Do you plan to do any charity work? Dogbert: Let me put it this way -- You just saw my contribution to the fine arts. 
19960117	Dogbert: If you plan to remain in the computer business you'd better bundle the "Dogbert 2000" operating system with every unit you sell. Otherwise, after I dominate the market you'll be last on my list to receive new products! Client: You remind me of somebody... Dogbert: It's the glasses, isn't it? 
19960118	Caption: Dogbert meets with software developers. Dogbert: Note the huge market for software that runs on the "Dogbert 2000" operating system. But who cares? The important thing is that I brought a bag of toys. Some say the computer industry is built on silicon. I think foam and plastic are equally important. 
19960119	Dogbert: Thanks to my software empire, my net wealth is twenty billion dollars. Contrary to popular opinion, it does seem to make me happy. Dilbert: Money can't buy a sunset, Dogbert. Dogbert: No, but I was able to license the digital rights. 
19960120	Dogbert: I heard you were doing some baby-sitting, Bob. Bob: Yeah! I did the Morton triplets last night. It's not easy to juggle three screaming toddlers. Dogbert: When you say "juggle"... Dilbert: It's the Mortons with a question about their ceiling fan. 
19960121	Catbert: Hee hee! This is my most diabolical work yet as director of Human Resources. Thanks to e-mail, I can play with hundreds of employees at once! Dilbert: Uh-oh...A message from the evil Mister Catbert. Message: "In order to reduce our janitorial expenses..." Alice: That's a phrase you don't want to see. Message: "Every engineer will be required to strap a broom to his or her..." "...Buttocks." Wally: On the positive side, marketing invites us to a lot more meetings now. Salesman: Five minutes; We're still eating cookies. 
19960122	Boss: The company announced a new compensation plan today. Bonuses will be paid only to the top ten percent of the employees. In related news, 89% of the employees resigned in bitter disgust. The top ten percent also left, realizing they could get better jobs elsewhere. This could have an impact on those of you who remain. Wally: We get the bonuses? 
19960123	Dilbert: I'm inventing a new technology to prevent kids from seeing smut on the Internet. Dogbert: So, you're pitting your intelligence against the collective sex drive of all the teenagers who own computers? Dilbert: What is your point? Dogbert: Did you know that if you put a little hat on a snowball it can last a long time in Hell? 
19960124	Dilbert: Matt, your job is to test my new invention that blocks kids from seeing dirty pictures on the internet. His youthful curiosity is no match for my technical brilliance. I hope that wasn't the sound of eyeballs getting really big.
19960125	Boss: I've asked Dogbert to help us get rid of our most troublesome customers. Dogbert: Grrr. Ten percent of your customers account for ninety percent of your service costs. They must be eliminated. Alice: Is that the same group of customers who actually USE our product? Dogbert: Plus the ones who were injured unpacking it. 
19960126	Dogbert: I've reduced your service costs by giving the technical-support group an unlisted phone number. And a flaw in your product disables the customers e-mail; They can't even write to you for help! Boss: What if they ask a friend to e-mail us? Alice: People who use our product don't have friends. Wally: Really? I use it. 
19960127	Dilbert: ...But our primary vendor can't deliver, so... Boss: I wonder what's on TV tonight. Dilbert: ...Should we risk a lawsuit or build a product that nobody on Earth wants? Boss: Did he ask me to make a choice? Dilbert: Will it be a request for information or an impractical solution? Boss: Let's do both! 
19960128	Dilbert: I need your help, Dogbert. My company is downsizing. They told us to write our own job requirements then reapply for our jobs. Dogbert: Why do you want to keep working for such a lame company? Dilbert: Loyalty! Both: HA HA HA HA! HEE HEE! Dogbert: Good one! Okay. You must write your job requirements so you are the only one on Earth who fits. Dilbert: Right. Dogbert: The candidate must have six years experience sitting in a big box being micromanaged by a nitwit. Dilbert: The candidate must have a festering cynicism and an acquired fear of action. Dogbert: Good. Dilbert: That narrows it to ten thousand employees. Dogbert: We'll have to focus on your physical abnormalities. 
19960129	POINT HAIRED BOSS: We won the bid to rebuild our nation's air traffic control systems.  ALICE:  Yippeee!!!   DILBERT: Yes!!   WALLY: To the phones!  POINT HAIRED BOSS (thinking): They don't usually get that excited.  WALLY (on phone):  Buy a thoudand shares of "Bluehound Bus Lines."  
19960130	Boss: I hired the "Dogbert Consulting Company" to lead the project because none of you is bright enough. And you all have bad attitudes for no apparent reason; That's no way to be a leader. Wally: Shall we go around the table and introduce ourselves? Dogbert: I don't get chummy with the locals. 
19960131	Wally: Wally writes the critical code for our nation's new Air Traffic Control system. The crowd is silent. Suddenly the gifted programmer employs a rarely seen strategy of "code reuse." The crowd goes wild. Dilbert: So you used code from the payroll system? Wally: Here's a tip: Don't fly on pay day. 
19960201	Dogbert: Thanks to my leadership, the new Air Traffic Control system is designed on time and under budget. I had to cut a few corners. This big radar-looking thing is a wall clock. And most of the buttons are glued on. Boss: It looks like it might be um...dangerous. Dogbert: Great...I finish early and what do I get: "feature creep." 
19960202	Boss: I need everybody to help in the shipping department today. Every product that ships by the end of the month gets counted as revenue for the fiscal year. Unfortunately, we don't have inventory. So we'll ship whatever is lying around, book it as revenue and sort it out later. Wally: This one's getting gum. 
19960203	Dilbert: Hey, Wally! The boss sent his first e-mail message! And you said he wasn't bright enough to figure out how to use e-mail! Wally: What's his message? Dilbert: "I forgot my watch. Does anybody know what time it is?" Wally: Time to change jobs. 
19960204	Mom: I'll never understand what you do for a living. Dilbert: I told you I'm an engineer, Mom. Mom: So you say. But you also say you spend all day in meetings. When do you do any engineering? Dilbert: Good point. Let's just say I'm what the experts call a "knowledge worker." Mom: Which experts call it that? Dilbert: I don't know. Mom: What's the name of the product you're working on? Dilbert: I don't know what the acronym stands for... Mom: What kind of market penetration and return on investment do you expect? Dilbert: Um...I don't know... Mom: Oh, dear...Well, I'm sure you're very punctual. Dilbert: ASK ME ANOTHER QUESTION!! C'MON... Dogbert: Why do they call you a "KNOWLEDGE worker"? 
19960205	Dogbert: I have discovered the cause of your project delays. Somebody in this room is a piece of deadwood pretending to be a contributor! IT IS YOU! Deadwood: Hey, I made some calls and I'm waiting for information! 
19960206	Boss: Alice, you've got to lock up these proprietary documents you have in your cubicle. If our competitors see our plans, it could be very dangerous. Alice: For us or for them? Caption: The competitors. Competitor: Ooh! Look! They're planning to "utilize synergy." We're in trouble now! Others: Ha ha ha. Stop! You're killing me!! 
19960207	Alice: Why is it that the people with the least need for storage space have the biggest offices? I know! You're using your office as kind of a living monument to inefficiency! Boss: Is this because I wouldn't let you get a file cabinet? Alice: Where would I put it? My cubicle is full of stacks of proprietary documents. 
19960208	Dilbert: I told you this project would take a year. But on my objectives you say I must have it done in three months. Which of these reasons best describes why: A. You have great confidence in me. B. You think I padded my estimate. C. You hate my guts. Boss: We don't really need the project. It's just a way to keep raises low. Dilbert: I just felt a little dip in my motivation. 
19960209	Boss: Wally, I've decided to move your project due date up a month. Wally: Every time it looks like I'll reach an objective, you move it! What does this prove about my performance? Boss: It proves I'm better at setting objectives than you are at achieving them. 
19960210	Dilbert: I have too many passwords in my life. What if I forget them? Dogbert: You'd lose your job! You wouldn't be able to withdraw money or check phone messages! You'd be dead in a week!! Dilbert: That would have been a good time to be quietly supportive, Dogbert. Dogbert: Oh, yeah, that's a lot of fun. 
19960211	Dogbert: Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals... Simple cells combine to make powerful lifeforms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be our FUTURE, not our origin! What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!! Dilbert: That would certainly limit the types of files I download. I wonder what it would do to response times. Dogbert: It's so nice to spend time alone with my thoughts. Dilbert: My web browser would FLY! 
19960212	Caption: Catbert the evil Human Resources Director. Catbert: The employees have too much time off. It must be stopped. I SUMMON THE DEMONS OF DARKNESS TO ASSIST ME!!! Phil: ...Eliminate sick days. Make them use vacation days when they're ill. Call it a "time bank." Catbert: It's playful...It's cruel...I like it. 
19960213	Catbert: I know I should be off tormenting people... But I can't pry myself away from this most excellent butt-warming device. It's probably because of the hype, but I'm thinking this would be even better with "Windows 95." 
19960214	Boss: As a co-op employee, you can't expect the same lush cubicle environment that the regular employees enjoy. You'll be sharing this cubicle with our other co-ops. Dilbert: I heard that the new co-op only lasted one day. Alice: He didn't fit in. 
19960215	Boss: Here's the revised standard employment agreement. Sign it or be fired. Dilbert: "This agreement is between the company (hereafter referred to as 'the only company that would ever hire you') and you (hereafter called 'Pudding Head')." It seems to have a bit of an attitude. Boss: Our lawyers turned on us. I suspect rabies. 
19960216	Dilbert: I can't believe they expect us to sign these new employment agreement forms. Wally: According to this, anything we even THINK of becomes the company's property. I'm surprised they don't claim our firstborn sons! What do you suppose it means when they copyright our "DNA and all derivative works"? Alice: They'd make an exception for you. 
19960217	Dilbert: Look at the agreement my company is forcing us to sign. They claim the rights to any idea an employee ever has. Dogbert: No problem. Just retype it with a few strategic omissions and sign it. They can't proofread every one. Dilbert: Wouldn't that be dishonest? Dogbert: Maybe you could just show them some of your ideas and they'd grant you a waiver. 
19960218	Dilbert: Here's my project timeline. The "work" portion will take one week. Slide: Work: 1 week. Dilbert: I'll spend another three weeks meeting with people whom you send to me because you don't feel like talking to them yourself. Slide: 3 weeks. Dilbert: I'll spend eight weeks getting competitive bids from companies that I know I won't select. ...Six weeks to get the wisdom and approval of executives who are too busy to understand the issues. During that time you will randomly reorganize the department and cut my funding. In the final phase I leap to my death, a bitter and broken shell of a man. Slide: Eeee!!! Boss: Is there some sort of manager thing I should be doing now? Dilbert: If I time my leap right you'll just be leaving the building. 
19960219	Boss: This colored pie chart shows an unexplained rise in expenses. You each get a binder of colored pie charts so you can help find the cause of our rising expenses. Wally: How much do color copies cost? Dilbert: I think I see it! Alice: It's not the "Magic Eye," Doofus. 
19960220	Boss: I moved our software development work to the impoverished nation of Elbonia. I'm brilliant. They write high-quality code for six cents a day! There's no risk! Dilbert: Red Alert! Caption: Elbonia. Elbonian 1: Tomorrow, YOU be the computer. 
19960221	Alice: I heard that our software development work has been moved to the tiny nation of Elbonia. Dilbert: Things can't get worse than that. Boss: Dilbert, you're in charge of integrating the Elbonian's software with our existing systems. Dilbert: Okay, NOW it can't get any worse. Boss: You might want to get a tuberculosis vaccination. 
19960222	Caption: Somewhere in Elbonia. Dilbert: I've been assigned to check the software you're writing for us under contract. Elbonian 1: The documentation is written in our own Elbonian language. Elbonian 2: Is that a problem? Dilbert: That's better than I'd hoped. I was afraid nobody here knew how to write. Elbonian 1: Writing is easy. Someday we hope to read, too. 
19960223	Dilbert: Before I accept the software you wrote under contract, tell me what development methodology you use. Elbonian 1: We hold village meetings to boast of our skills and curse the devil-spawned end-users. Elbonian 2: Sometimes we juggle. Elbonian 1: At the last minute we slam out some code and go roller skating. Dilbert: I would find this humorous if not for the pig on my back. 
19960224	Dilbert: You saved one million dollars by having programmers in Elbonia write software for us. But we wasted four million dollars trying to debug the software. And the entire staff of our Quality Assurance group quit to become mimes. Boss: Blame it on the mimes; They won't talk. 
19960225	Dilbert: I'm embarrassed to work at my company, Dogbert. We can't even pay a simple invoice in less than six months. Caption: "First it comes to our mailroom for aging." Mail Clerk: Do we like Dilbert? Mail Clerk: Bad haircut penalty box. Caption: "Months later it gets to our department secretary." Dilbert: It's urgent. Carol: I'll start ignoring it immediately. Caption: "Eventually my boss gets it. He uses it to demonstrate his inability to grasp the concept of time." Boss: Let's get some more bids. Dilbert: That was the PAST. This is the PRESENT. Caption: "If it makes it to the accounts payable group, it will be eaten by trolls." Troll 1: No, thanks. I'm full. Troll 2: Just a taste. Dilbert: How would you protect your reputation if you were associated with something so pathetic? Dogbert: I'd tell everybody that the doofy guy is my butler. Hypothetically. 
19960226	Dilbert: I hate my shirts. Each one has either a stain or a missing button. They say engineers are not concerned with fashion, but that's not fair. Which stain goes with this tie? Dogbert: Definitely the marinara. 
19960227	Boss: We just got our consultants report. He's identified our biggest problem. Wally: I recommend that we build a tracking database. Dilbert: We can put it on the network. Boss: Would you like to hear what the problem is first? Wally: I hate to dwell on the negative. Dilbert: We like databases. 
19960228	Boss: You haven't heard what the problem is yet; How can you recommend building a database to solve it?? Wally: We always build a database. Dilbert: And we'll need coffee mugs for the project team. Boss: The PROBLEM is that we have poor processes. Wally: That could be the slogan on our mugs! 
19960229	Dilbert: Dogbert, I need you to facilitate some meetings. Dogbert: What kind of meetings? Dilbert: We're creating a process to fix our product development process. But first we're having some preplanning meetings... ...To decide on a project name. Dogbert: How about "Death Spiral"? 
19960301	Dogbert: I've been asked to facilitate this meeting. I alone will determine who can speak. I'd like to begin with a raw display of my power. You may not speak. Hey, Wally...Did you ever hear of a thing called exercise? 
19960302	Dogbert: I think you'll agree that this meeting went smoothly with me as facilitator. The breakthrough was when I realized I was the only one here with anything valuable to say. Let's have a moment of silence to honor me for my brilliant work despite being surrounded by dolts. 
19960303	Boss: I want you to interview the new candidate for engineering. Don't reveal any ugly truths. Dilbert: At this company we're dedicated to the principle of employee empowerment, Jennifer. Jennifer: The "principle of employee empowerment"? Dilbert: Uh-oh. Jennifer: Why would you have a special phrase for something like that? If you could really make decisions on your own it would never occur to you to invent a phrase for it. Dilbert: My shields are down...A hull breach is imminent... Jennifer: Just don't tell me you have "quality teams." Dilbert: RUN FOR IT JENNIFER!!! IT'S TOO LATE FOR ME BUT YOU CAN SAVE YOURSELF!!! RUN!!! Wally: Woah! Hull breach...Any survivors? Dilbert: One. I had to jettison my dignity but she made it to the escape pod. 
19960304	Boss: Add an executive summary to the approval page. Keep it simple. Our executives don't understand as much about technology as I do. Dilbert: How could they know less than you do? You haven't figured out how to make your car go uphill. Boss: Wrong; I got AAA road service. 
19960305	Dilbert: I have to turn this fifty-page proposal into a one-paragraph summary for our CEO. It's impossible. Dogbert: Simple. How about "Give us three million dollars so we can buy cool technology, pump up our resumes and escape this festering boil called a company"? Dilbert: I feel obligated to say something about our customers. Dogbert: How about "I'm glad I'm not one of them." 
19960306	Boss: Could you do a demo of the new product for our VP next week? Dilbert: Well...That would delay the ship date, lower morale and create an unending demand for more unproductive demos... Logically, since your objective is to show that we're doing valuable work... Boss: And we'll need a banner that says "Quality." 
19960307	Dilbert: We had to cut some corners to get the demo ready this soon. Wally is under the table. He'll pretend to be the 3-D interface that we could build if we weren't doing useless demos. Boss: He's a little fuzzy. Can you adjust it? Dilbert: Try the electric shaver. 
19960308	Boss: Our new VP is coming. Is the demo of our holographic interface ready? Dilbert: Everything should be fine...Unless we're suddenly visited by the dark angel of product demos... Phil: Hello-o-o, Wally. Did somebody say "demo"? Dilbert: I'm Dilbert; loyal peon. 
19960309	Dilbert: We planned a dazzling demo for you, but as you can see we're being visited by the dark angel of demos. Phil: The demo is a sham. Their project is doomed. Cut their funding before your name is associated with it. Dilbert: The worst is over. Phil: Look at some of the pictures the "boys" store on the file server... 
19960310	Caption: Mysteries revealed. Dogbert: How do ceiling tiles get damaged? Caption: It begins with a lowly engineer who makes a technology decision. The engineer writes up his recommendation. Dilbert: Ten pages. Caption: The boss summarizes it for the Executive Director. Boss: One-page summary. Caption: The Executive Director summarizes it for the Vice President. Executive: Three bullet points... Caption: The VP summarizes it for the President. VP: Nice necktie. President: Thanks. Have some stock options. Caption: The President sees a CNN report and makes a technology decision. TV: Interactive holographs are hot! President: Get me some of that! Caption: The engineer is assigned to justify the President's technology decision. Boss: He took that well. Dilbert: Ouch. 
19960311	Dilbert: Wally and I came up with a great new idea! Speaker: Inspiration alert in effect!! DANGER! NEW IDEA! State your idea now. Dilbert: Um, you tell him. Hammer: Crush-o-matic. 
19960312	Dilbert: If this company won't use our product idea let's quit and start our own business! Wally: Why quit? We can run our new company from our cubicles and get paid too. Dilbert: Wouldn't that be immoral? Wally: That's only an issue for people who aren't already in Hell. 
19960313	Boss: It has come to my attention that some employees are running businesses from their cubicles. Dilbert: Really?? Boss: I don't want to see any signs of that in my department. Dilbert: Fair enough. Signs: Software Outlet / Sale / Palms Read $25 / Shoe World / Walbert Inc. Dilbert: What about "Yellow Pages" ads? 
19960314	Dilbert: Ratbert, we'd like you to be Director of Marketing for the company we're starting. Ratbert: Okay! What do I do? Dilbert: Be as annoying and illogical as you can. We'll whack you in the head with balled-up socks to make you shut up. It's definitely better to be an owner than an employee. Wally: Let's link his salary to earnings! Hee hee! 
19960315	Dogbert: The business plan for your start-up is idiotic but I'm going to provide the venture capital funding anyway. We'll generate lots of media hype, go public and make millions by shafting greedy and ignorant investors. The Latin word for "close your eyes and open your mouth" is "prospectus." Wally: This is exactly why I'm afraid of dogs. 
19960316	Dilbert: Wally and I started our own company. We're selling the product that you said nobody wants. Wally: Soon we'll be rich. Dilbert: We do our victory jig in your face. Wally: Ba-bum. Alice: When he showed you your employment agreement -- where you gave all patent rights to this company -- what part of the jig were you doing? Dilbert: Turbo-mooning. Sob. 
19960317	Dilbert: I have an ethical question, Dogbert. Dogbert: I'm here to help. Dilbert: Is it better to give customers a low quality product in a timely fashion... Or is it better to lie about product availability until the bugs are fixed? Dogbert: I will need my assistant, Ratbert, to address your ethical question. Let's say Ratbert is a trusting and innocent customer. Suppose somebody abuses his trust like this... (Smack.) Dilbert: How does this relate to my situation? Dogbert: To be honest I wasn't listening to you. 
19960318	Boss: Hey, everybody. Meet our new intern, Asok. Alice: I hope this one's sturdier than the last one. Wally: My staple remover is broken. Somebody toss that intern to me! 
19960319	Caption: Asok the Intern. Dilbert: As an intern, your assignments won't be as glamorous as mine, but you'll gain experience. Boss: Dilbert, I need a status report on the mouse pad inventory. Dilbert: See? My assignment has the word "status" built right in. Asok: Danger! Alert! 
19960320	Caption: Asok the Intern. Alice: Asok, come quickly! It's an emergency! You must crawl through the Jeffries tube and shut down the furnace before it fries us all! Today young Asok learns that life is NOT like "Star Trek." Asok: I'm stuck. Sign: Spank the intern 50 cents. 
19960321	Boss: I want everyone to prepare a presentation for the Executive Review Board. Urgent. Dilbert: What's that smell? Yes!!!...It's the scent of unnecessary work for a meeting that will be canceled. (Sniff sniff.) Wally: Did you smell the unnecessary work? We can ignore it! Dilbert: It's like popcorn for the soul. Alice: Urgent. 
19960322	Alice: Why aren't you slaving away, preparing for the Executive Review Board meeting? Dilbert: I have the male "work avoidance chromosome." I can detect unnecessary work, thereby avoiding it. Alice: We ALL have to be ready to present something! Wally: Could you hold it down? I'm trying to sleep. 
19960323	Alice: I don't believe men have a special chromosome to tell them which assignments are a waste of time. Dilbert: We do. Alice: I will test the theory on young Asok the intern. Asok: Mmm...The sweet smell of unnecessary work. Alice: Maybe men are more perceptive than you'd think. Asok: She's aroused. I'll make my move. 
19960324	Alice: Here's the analysis you asked for...I worked all night. But you said this was vital for your meeting today so I know it was worth the effort. Boss: This is excellent work, Alice. Alice: A rare compliment; It was all worthwhile. Mmm. Boss: I'll use it as backup material. Alice: Backup?!! Nobody looks at backup material! I'm going to grab your pointy hair, yank you out of that cheap suit and fling your naked body down the hall. Wally: She's always irritable the week before her performance review cycle. Dilbert: Her distance improved this year! Boss: Ow! 
19960325	Dilbert: At long last our product is complete. It ships tomorrow. Marketer: That's terrific. I only have a few additional features to add and the marketing department will be happy. Boss: Okay. Marketer: I believe that our customers want hardware, not software. Wally: It's times like this I wish I was a psychopath. Dilbert: You're not? 
19960326	Boss: I want you three to write the department newsletter. It's an important, high-profile assignment. Tina: I am an experienced technical writer. You have placed me on a project with an intern and a rodent. MY next raise will depend on THEIR performance. Asok: I'll do the sports page. Ratbert: I'll be the topless model on page two. 
19960327	Tina: Let's get one thing straight before we start writing the department newsletter... I'm an experienced technical writer. You are an intern and a rat, respectively. Therefore I will be the editor. Asok: I have no skills whatsoever. Therefore I'll be the executive editor. Ratbert: Is "publisher" taken? 
19960328	Tina: At the risk of dying from boredom, I must interview you for the department newsletter. Dilbert: Let me give you some background before I talk about my project... Tina: "The project is good," quipped the engineer. Dilbert: ...So there I am in my mom's Fallopian tube... 
19960329	Tina: Wally, I'm hoping you'll agree to write about your project for the department newsletter... And in the grand tradition of engineering, I expect you'll give this the lowest priority, thus making me despise you. Wally: So...Are you saying you don't despise me NOW? Tina: WE ARE NOT HAVING A "MOMENT" HERE! 
19960330	Caption: Performance review. Boss: Your main accomplishment was the department newsletter which was both uninteresting and unimportant. You get no raise. Tina: The newsletter was YOUR idea, and it's boring because most of the articles are contributed by my idiotic coworkers. Boss: You don't seem to understand the value of teamwork. Tina: I understand its value; It just cost me a two-percent raise. 
19960331	Boss: It's my honor to present this special bonus check to Barry. Alice: That's you. Barry: MY name is Barry?? Boss: This is for working hundreds of hours of overtime. While you quitters were going home by 9 PM every night... Barry remained at work staring at his computer for hours. It's important to recognize extra effort. Sadly, that's the end of the special bonus budget for the year. Barry: (Burp.) Wally: In retrospect, I shouldn't have told Barry that his screen saver is an epic miniseries. 
19960401	Boss: In an effort to boost sales, laptop computers have been given to every member of the sales force. Wally: That could be a problem, given the recent cuts to the training budget. Caption: Meanwhile, in the field. Salesman: And if you order today, I'll throw in this rectangular plastic thing. 
19960402	Dilbert: I wish I had an Ivy League degree so I could be promoted to Vice President. Dogbert: You don't need one. Dilbert: It's impossible to be a Vice President without one. Dogbert: I'll bet $100 I can turn a rat into a Vice President. That was good, but try saying it as though your soul just abandoned your body. Ratbert: "We've reorganized to focus on our core competency." 
19960403	Dogbert: Remember everything I taught you, Ratbert. If you can pass yourself off as a corporate Vice President, I'll win my bet. Ratbert: Yo, Headcount! If you have any issues, put together an action plan. Our people are the best. Don't spend money. Wally: Do you really think he's a Vice President? Alice: Maybe, but I'm not ready to rule out "annoying rodent" yet. Ratbert: Quality. 
19960404	President: Mister Ratbert, I don't think I can hire a rat to be our Vice President of marketing. You need experience in the technology industry. Ratbert: I spent a week in a dumpster at Proctor and Gamble. President: Close enough! Welcome to the team! Ratbert: I'll bring some cronies with me. They're flies. 
19960405	Ratbert: I had years of valuable experience as a rodent before I became Vice President of marketing. My marketing plan is simple. Each of you will cling to the leg of a technology columnist until we get some good press. Dilbert: It looks like you're full. Columnist: You can cling to the cat until a space opens. 
19960406	Ratbert: I quit my job as vice president of marketing. I was losing my scruples... becoming unscrupulous. Yes, I learned a valuable lesson about scruples. Dilbert: And that lesson would be? Ratbert: It's fun to say "scruples."
19960407	Pointy haired boss: Go home, Dilbert. Relax! You're working too hard! Dilbert: You told me to finish this by tomorrow. You said it's urgent. Pointy haired boss: Relax! Go home! Shoo! (Suddenly Dilbert is sucked into the "boss zone" where time and logic do not apply. Dilbert: How can I relax AND do urgent work at the same time? Pointy haired boss: Work smarter, not harder. (Mercifully, the angel of cynicism appears.) Dogbert: Slap something together in the morning. He won't look at it anyway. (The inspirational moral...) Dilbert: Freedom's just another word for not caring about the quality of your work!
19960408	Pointy haired boss: The executive review board meeting is canceled. I hope you didn't work too hard preparing for it. Alice: Must... control fist... of... death... Wally: Unlike Alice, I saw it coming and did no work whatsoever. Alice: Did you see THAT coming, Nostradamus? Wally: Ow Dilbert: What does this do to headcount?
19960409	Dilbert: Stupid machine, you've taken my coins and with them my sunny disposition. Dilbert: There's nothing left to give!!! You've taken it all!!! Dilbert: Okay, you got my dignity and my career, too... But I am drawing the line here, buster!
19960410	Catbert the H.R. Director  Catbert: This report says you went nuts at a vending machine because it took your money. Catbert: The company used to offer counseling in these cases. But we found it was more economical to apply the death penalty. Dibert: What?! How is that possible? Catbert: I'm not sure yet. You're too big for the microwave oven...
19960411	Dilbert: Today was a bad day. First the vending machine stole my money... Dilbert: ...and by the end of the day I had been sentenced to death by the director of human resources... Dogbert: I've become totally desensitized to tragic news! Dilbert: The execution is scheduled for tomorrow. I should call in sick.
19960412	Dogbert versus Catbert  Dogbert: I understand you've sentenced Dilbert to death. CatbertL Is that a problem? Dogbert: My assistant, Bob the dinosaur, will now demonstrate how to give a cat a "furwedgie." Dilbert: I've been pardoned. Somehow they lost the paperwork ordering my execution. Dogbert: It probably fell into a crack.
19960413	Alice: The internal job postings are out. Here's a job I'd love. Alice: "Experience required: The candidate must be a guy named Eric, pot-bellied, nearsighted, must drive a red Ford Bronco." Dilbert: They might have someone in mind already. Alice: If I squint... and leave my "control top" pantyhose at home...
19960414	Dilbert: Dogbert would like to speak with you about the changes you made to my engineering proposal. Dogbert: While Dilbert was getting his masters degree in electrical engineering... Dogbert: You were majoring in art history so you could look at pictures of naked statues. Dogbert: Dilbert often contributes articles to technology publications. Dogbert: You, on the other hand, rub those same publications with a nickel, looking for hidden "scratch and sniff" panels. Dogbert: In summary. Dogbert: Never question an engineer's opinion, you thundering moron! Dilbert: Nicely done, but I wouldn't have said "thundering." Dogbert: What were you drinking when you wrote this piece of crud?!!
19960415	Pointy haired boss: Alice, you've been working eighteen hours a day. I realized I must add a person to the effort. Pointy haired boss: So I hired a night shift manager. After I go home at five o'clock he'll take over and ask why you're behind schedule. Night shift manager: I like my status reports rendered in 3-D, but don't spend a lot of time on it.
19960416	Night shift manager: This dog is specially trained to detect wasted resources. Night shift manager: He'll help me find out why your project is behind schedule even after adding me as manager. Dog: sniff sniff Night shift manager: We'll begin as soon as he's done playing around.
19960417	Carol: Oh my! This is shocking! Pointy haired boss: What? Carol: 40% of all sick days taken by your staff are Fridays and Mondays! Pointy haired boss: What kind of idiot do they think I am? Carol: Not an idiot savant. They can do math.
19960418	Pointy haired boss: It has come to my attention that 40% of your sick days are on Fridays and Mondays. This is unacceptable. Asok: Ha ha ha!!! That's a good one!!! Asok: Please tell me he was kidding. Wally: Welcome to hell, kid.
19960419	Dogbert: I can make your employees more creative and spiritually fulfilled. Dogbert: I use my special blend of poetry and dance to touch their souls. Pointy haired boss: Okay. You're hired. Dogbert: There once was a dog with a hat... Who got paid to dance like that... Wally: Hey! My soul just healed!
19960420	Dogbert: Have my poems and dances healed your soul yet, Alice? The company cares about your total well being. Alice: Excuse me? Alice: We want more MONEY, not more dancing dogs!!! M-O-N-E-Y!! Pointy haired boss; So you're saying those primal screams are healty? Can you teach me to do it? Dogbert: Here's my invoice - go wild.
19960421	Ken: Yo, Dil-man! Dilbert: Uh-oh, it's Ken from sales. Ken: I told our biggest customers how great our next product will be. Now nobody will buy our current product. Ken: When will the new version be available? Dilbert: In a year or two. Ken: Hmm... I seem to have single-handedly destroyed an entire product line. Ken: Luckily our biggest competitor is hiring sales people. And I'm betting THEY'LL have brisk sales this year! Ken: Commissions galore! Dilbert: If there's justice in this world, the idiots will be punished... Dilbert: ...before they get promoted. Pointy haired boss: Um... We need the new version by Tuesday.
19960422	Catbert, H.R. director. Catbert: Wally, it might not seem fair that new employees are paid more than you... But you could always quit and then reapply for your old job at higher salary. Wally: I just might do that!! Catbert: Would you mind rubbing this catnip all over your body first?
19960423	Wally: So I'm thinking I'll resign, then I'll reapply for my current job at a higher salary. Dilbert: That's a good plan except for the fact that you're thoroughly unqualified for your current job. Wally: I need to share my unrealistic plans with a friend who isn't an engineer. Dilbert: I'm more of a co-worker than a friend, per se. 
19960424	Marketer: And that's the marketing plan. Any comments? Dilbert: It appears to be a bunch of obvious generalities and wishful thinking with no apparent business value. Marketer: Marketing didn't turn out to be the glamour career I expected. Wally: I circled all the words you won't find in any dictionary. 
19960425	Caption: Experiment #1: I am exposing a rat to my company's marketing plan. He seems to have no adverse response to the introduction and background. This is already far more exposure than humans could tolerate. Ratbert: Sales projections...Brain tumor...Get Tylenol... 
19960426	Dilbert: Here's my time sheet, including guesses for the next two days so I can meet your arbitrary clerical deadline. If anything important comes up, I'll ignore it to preserve the integrity of the time reporting system. Carol: Are you finished annoying me yet? Dilbert: According to my time sheet, I'll be here for another 14 minutes. 
19960427	Wally: I got myself a little work-avoidance device. If I want to leave a meeting early, I just look down and say "uh-oh" and scurry away. Alice: What's the pager number in case I need you? Wally: You're not quite grasping the concept here, Alice. 
19960428	Boss: Great news! The company set a new record for profits! That means T-shirts for everyone! You can choose from sizes "small," "petite" or "elfin." Alice: Shouldn't these have the company name or logo on them? Boss: Hey, that's an idea for next year! Alice: It's 1% cotton, 99% "miscellaneous" and all hand-made by authentic slave laborers. Dilbert: That's great! With slave labor, you don't have the problem that the shirts made on Fridays aren't as good! Alice: Do you ever worry that our career expectations have gotten too low? Dilbert: Don't go there, Alice. Wally: "Casual day," here I come! 
19960429	Caption: Catbert, H.R. Director. Catbert: I've come to give you "employee orientation," Wally. Wally: But I've worked here for years. Catbert: You still have a glimmer of hope. You'll have to watch this mandatory training video. Television: So, you still have hope... Catbert: Relax...Let it go. 
19960430	Wally: I'm pleased to report another banner week of accomplishments! Wally: I streamlined my business process while honing my participatory style and my proactive attitude, all while valuing diversity. Pointy haired boss: You watched the mandatory training videos? Wally: And I lost my free will!
19960501	Wally: I just watched the mandatory video on sexual harassment. It worked! Wally: In only thirty minutes, that video corrected a billion years of evolution. Do something sexy and watch me ignore it! Wally: I probably shouldn't have fast-forwarded throught the boring parts.
19960502	Dilbert: Here's your problem. The connection to the network is broken. Dilbert: Uh-oh. It's a "token ring" LAN. That means the token fell out and it's in this room someplace. Wally: You are wind beneath my wings. Dilbert: I'll wait a week then tell him the token must be in the "ethernet." 
19960503	Pointy haired boss: We'll have to eliminate a few steps in order to hit the market window. Pointy haired boss: I think we can get rid of market research and technical testing. They're basically "overhead." Pointy haired boss: Gone! Now we'll hit the window! Dilbert: ...like a bird.
19960504	Wally: Here are my budget estimates for the year. Wally: Thanks to management bungling and indecision, I plan to use no capital for several months followed by a reckless year-end orgy of acquisition. Wally: Is that what you were looking for? Pointy haired boss: Tell me again what "capital" is.
19960505	Pointy haired boss: I need to move you one cubicle down. Dilbert: Why? Pointy haired boss: That way my people will be in a square pattern. Pointy haired boss: You're in a random pattern now. The symmetry is bad. Dilbert: You want men to waste two days of work to move... Dilbert: I'll have no phone and no network connection for a week... Dilbert: I'll have to order new business cards and update my cubicle address on dozends of records. Dilbert: And you still won't have a SQUARE because there are FIVE of us. Employee: I got downsized. Apparently somebody complained that I formed a pentagon. Dilbert: That can happen.
19960506	Wally: This week I kicked off the "Wally compensation equilibrium project." Wally: My goal is to lower the quality of my work until it is consistent with my salary. Pointy haired boss: I hate the first month after they see their raises. Wally: I'd go on, but I just achieved equilibrium.
19960507	Catbert, the evil director of human resources  Catbert: We're moving to "cafeteria style" benefits. Catbert: Under this system, if you need health care, you wander through the cafeteria asking "Does anybody know what this red lump is?" Alice: What if it's a life-threatening problem? Catbert: That reminds me, the cafeteria won't be labeling the entrees anymore.
19960508	Dogbert: I'm going to try my paw at being a career counselor. Dogbert: Insecure people will seek my advice and I'll tell them to be more self-reliant. Dilbert: That sounds lazy and unhelpful. Dogbert: Would you want career advice from somebody who has to work hard?
19960509	dogbert, career counselor dogbert: you can't expect your employer to take care of you forever, wally. dogbert: don't expect raises, don't expect to be trained and don't expect a pension. wally: that's depressing.  I need a sourball. dogbert: those are marbles wrapped in cellophane.
19960510	Caption: Dogbert, Career Counselor. Dogbert: According to your occupational preference test, you like to remove vital organs from helpless people. That narrows the career choices to doctor or serial killer. Do you get along with other people? Killer: Other people are insignificant insects. Dogbert: We'll have to go to a tie-breaker question. 
19960511	Caption: Dogbert, Career Counselor. Tina: I'm a lowly technical writer now, but my goal is to become a famous novelist. My plan is to write witty and scathing e-mail messages about co-workers until a publisher gives me an advance. Dogbert: They might expect you to write a book at some point. Tina: BLOOD SUCKERS! 
19960512	Boss: I'd like you all to meet our new vice president in charge of cost containment. VP: My first priority is to reduce our spiraling expenses for office supplies. From now on, your supply cabinet will be locked. The only key will be under the control of your bitter and inefficient secretary. Questions? Asok: I am only an intern so please excuse this naive question... I've noticed that the employees are all dispirited hollow shells, management is random and our products are shoddy. How are you going to solve that by making it hard to get supplies? I thought you said they like honesty. Wally: Ask how much he's paid. It shows you care. 
19960513	Pointy haired boss: The company announced we're being bought by our long-time rival.  Pointy haired boss: Don't worry about layoffs. They like engineers. In fact, they already have a division that does what we do!  Pointy haired boss; Except they're younger and they aren't paid as much as we are...
19960514	Buyer: After the merger, we'll reduce staff in areas that are redundant. Wally: I hope the employees of this company will be evaluated fairly compared to those in the buying company. Buyer: We already have a bald guy. Dilbert: Does yours steal office furniture, too? 
19960515	Dilbert: I'm paralyzed with fear because of the pending merger. Thanks to your leadership I've gone from being unmotivated to being inert. I think I'm advancing to the next stage. Hello, Rigor Mortis!! Take me, I'm ready!! Boss: It might be time for a morale-boosting potluck lunch. 
19960516	Buyer: In the "due diligence" phase of our merger you will give us access to all of your proprietary information. Boss: Wouldn't that let you know how to crush us competitively? Couldn't you cancel the merger and take our customers without paying a cent? Buyers: Must...contain...maniacal...laugh... 
19960517	Caption: "Due diligence" before the merger. Buyer: You must reveal your secrets so my company knows what it's buying. Alice: All of our projects are doomed. Most of the good employees left. Our customers are starting a class action suit... Buyer: At least the building is worth something. Alice: If you feel a tickle, that's asbestos. 
19960518	Dogbert: With all this talk of "diversity" there's no mention of the pain we smart creatures endure while surrounded by dolts. Dilbert: Good point. I don't know how we do it. Dogbert: It looks like I'll have to hold secret meetings. Dilbert: Yeah, our lives are a constant struggle. 
19960519	Caption: Dogbert's Dream Analysis. Employee: I was in a big field full of tofu and carburetors. Dogbert: It means you're a gullible moron. That's $25 please. Carol: Then I was running, running, running against the wind. Dogbert: That means you're ugly. Wally: Then the butterfly turned into an opera singer. Dogbert: That means you're bald. Dilbert: Suddenly I saw a new algorithm for data compression. Dogbert: It means you're boring. Boss: Then I told the car dealer I wanted the anti-rust sealant, the extended warranty and the lease option. What do you think it means? Dogbert: It means I'm going to make some serious money today. 
19960520	Dogbert: It has always been my goal to become supreme ruler of Earth... But lately I've been wondering if you dolts are worthy of my leadership. Dilbert: Do you think maybe your ego is out of control, Dogbert? Dogbert: I like it that way. 
19960521	Boss: Our new policy forbids the use of weapons or any violence in the workplace. Dilbert: Ummm...What was the policy before this? Boss: I'm not sure...Maybe if you had a permit and it was in season. Wally: There goes another company benefit. 
19960522	Nametag: Alice. Boss: Alice, these stacks of papers are a clear violation of my "clean desk" policy. Nametag: Wally. Boss: ...And don't even get me started about the ergonomics of THIS situation. 
19960523	Ratbert: Yesterday I was lying in a sun spot thinking about how you work, work, work but your net worth remains constant. HA HA HA HA HA HA!! Well...I guess you had to be there. 
19960524	Wally: I had a cat once... I petted that thing for two hours but I didn't feel any better. Dilbert: Petting is for the benefit of the cat, not your hand. Wally: They're so selfish. 
19960525	Alice: A TWO PERCENT ANNUAL RAISE?!! WOWEE!! Ha ha! You tried to disappoint me but I compensated by drastically lowering my expectations! Dilbert: Yeah, it MIGHT be a good sign, but I'm thinking not. Alice: Weeee!! 
19960526	Caption: Business Language Explained. "We have to be more competitive." Wally: Nice barrel. Dilbert: This old thing? Caption: Meaning: Say goodbye to salary increases. "We must focus on our core business." Boss: Hello. Caption: Meaning: We can't find our butts with both hands. "You are empowered." Alice: I proclaim this to be "green ink day." Caption: Meaning: You're the monarch of unimportant decisions. "We're reengineering your function." Meaning: Adios, Tonto, and the horse you rode in on. "Training is essential." Boss: You were a cannibal? Cannibal: I'm a people person. Caption: Meaning: We're trying to hire some trained people. "We're market driven." Sign: Research. Researcher: What's your favorite odor? Caption: Meaning: We blame customers for our lack of innovation. "We value employee input." Dilbert: Thanks for listening. Boss: HA HA HA! Caption: Meaning: We think humor is important. 
19960527	Boss: He slips in like a panther to take the last cup of coffee and not make any more. Phil: I AM PHIL, THE PRINCE OF INSUFFICIENT LIGHT! I DARN YOU TO HECK!!! Boss: Phil? Phil: You were always mom's golden boy. Boss: Somebody brought potato salad. Give me your spoon. 
19960528	Phil: Mom wanted me to be a manager like you. But I chose my own path. I became Phil, the ruler of Heck, the punisher of minor sins! Boss: How do you make money? Phil: Corporate sponsorship. "Proctor and Gamble" pays me to stay away from them. Boss: You should sell a line of home-exercise spoons. 
19960529	Television: This is Phil, ruler of Heck, with a special offer for my patented "Exerspoon." Phil: You can do over seven million exercises with the "Exerspoon." It even trims problem areas. Caption: And thanks to the innovative spoon shape, storage is a breeze! Customer: Mmm... 
19960530	Co-worker: I need this information today. Plus a complete analysis of the alternatives. (CRINKLE CRINKLE STUFF.) Co-worker: That wasn't nice. Dilbert: In today's lesson, you learn that you're my co-worker, not my boss. 
19960531	Co-worker: Wally, I need your input on this by the end of the day. Wally: Please drop your request here, in "Wally's pile of perpetual ignorage." Co-worker: Can't I just give it to you? Wally: I don't like to touch that stuff with my hands. 
19960601	Boss: When Dilbert comes by, tell him to add "walk the talk" to his presentation. Carol: He wants you to use a "walkie-talkie" to do the presentation. Dilbert: Um...Did he say why? Carol: Hey, look at my paycheck! I just realized I don't get paid the big bucks! 
19960602	Phil: My next victim. I am Phil, the prince of insufficient light and supreme ruler of Heck!! Dilbert: Hi, Phil. Phil: You must choose one of these two hideous fates to pay for your sins. You can choose eternal high pay, but all of your work will be burned in front of you at the end of each day... Or you can choose eternal poverty, but your work will be useful and appreciated. Dilbert: WOW! They're BOTH better than my current job! Hey, Wally, you might want to get in on this! Wally: I watch TV when I'm supposed to be telecommuting. Phil: I hate the nineties. Dilbert: Do me first! 
19960603	Brainitor: Halt and submit to the mind scan of "Brainitor, the Guardian of Security." The bag contains one computer..."Pentium" processor...One gig hard drive...Highly fragmented... Please wait while I optimize your hard disk... Dilbert: This is vaguely unsettling. 
19960604	Dogbert: Do you see "time" as a sequence of discrete events or simply a line of perception through infinite possibilities? Dilbert: I see "Time" as more of a magazine. Dogbert: You know these moments we have together -- We really must have them less often. Dilbert: Ask me about "Life." 
19960605	Dilbert: Although we are nothing but pond scum in this company... It's nice to know we can still find someone of lower status to torment. You call these brochures? How can I even consider buying products from a "ven-duh" such as you? Wally: Tell me if this hurts. 
19960606	Caption: Tormenting the vendor. Wally: You must do our bidding, vendor. We control your economic future. Dilbert: Of course, our buying decision will be based solely on quantifiable performance measurements. Your competitor completed the "vendor challenge course" in 37 seconds. Wally: And he gave us VERY nice T-shirts. 
19960607	Mom: Dilbert, I found your father. He's been at the "all you can eat" restaurant in the mall since 1989. He's so literal -- He didn't want to leave until it was "all he could eat." Dilbert: When's he coming home? Mom: I'm thinking of joining him. He got a booth. 
19960608	Liz: I can't believe your father has been living in the "all you can eat" restaurant since 1989! You have the oddest family. What did he look like when you saw him after all these years? Dilbert: I haven't seen him yet. I'm waiting for "burrito night." Liz: Now is when you should be saying "Just kidding." 
19960609	Dilbert: Where's Dogbert? Uh-oh. Dogbert: Are you gullible? Do you spend money on stupid stuff? Call the "Dogbert Gullible Friends Hotline" for help. Only four dollars per minute. Customer: Hello, Dogbert. I bought an exercise machine and I'm still lazy. Dogbert: Please hold. Customer: Okay! Dogbert: Call now, and I'll replace your old television with a new one that looks just like it, while you sleep! If you don't have a touch tone phone, stay on the line...until you get one. 
19960610	Liz: These are some of the advanced materials I'm designing at work. That jar holds a pyrophoric substance. (FLASH.) Dilbert: Yep, that's a good batch. Liz: A person from a smarter gender might have said "What does 'pyrophoric' mean?" 
19960611	Boss: The Dogbert Consulting Company will help us design a new company logo. Dogbert: Glug glug glug. Boss: When will you start? Dogbert: I just finished. I call it the brown ring of quality. 
19960612	Dogbert: Your new logo might look like a simple coffee stain. But what does the image say about you? Dilbert: We're sloppy and unimaginative? Alice: We give lots of money to consultants and get little in return? Dogbert: Wow. This is almost TOO good. Dilbert: Ooh ooh! How about "Our opinions don't matter"? 
19960613	Wally: Our objectives are unclear and our mission statement is gibberish... But thanks to an artificial sense of urgency, I'm working harder than ever! Boss: What's the good news you said you have? Wally: Apparently I'm insane. But I'm one of the happy kinds! 
19960614	Wally: This company makes perfect sense, now that I'm insane. For example, it might seem as though we're woefully understaffed, but I can compensate by working smarter not harder. Hey, if I'm capable of working smarter, then why do I work HERE? Dilbert: The healing has begun. 
19960615	Willy: Dilbert, I notice you've been looking depressed lately. Here's a prescription for an antidepressant drug. Be sure to exercise regularly and don't skip meals. Dilbert: What makes you think you're qualified to diagnose my mental health?!! Willy: I'd better double it. 
19960616	Boss: Dilbert, I've decided to downsize you. It's nothing personal, just an economic necessity. I calculated how much your salary was dragging down the value of my stock options. Without you, I can afford to go to the movies one additional time per year. And let's face it: Recreation is important when one has a stressful job. Dilbert: Hey, why don't you downsize Wally instead. You'll save enough in office supplies to buy popcorn, too. Sheesh! Boss: Mmm... Wally: How'd it go? Dilbert: You know that team-building exercise we did last week? It didn't take. 
19960617	Wally: The status of my action item is 50% done. Specifically, I finished the item part but not the action. Boss: Do you have an estimate for when the action will be done? Wally: Yes, and that estimate is 100% complete! 
19960618	Sign: 10 injury free days. (BAM! AAAEEII!! R-R-ROLL. THUD.) Dilbert: This is very ironic. Signposter: No, it was ironic when it happened eleven days ago. 
19960619	Boss: Some idiot stood on a chair and fell off. Now we all have to take twelve hours of chair safety training. Is that a "do" or a "not do"? 
19960620	Boss: Carol, I asked you to enroll me in the quality college, but the confirmation says clown college. Carol: It's a prerequisite course. This is gonna cost me on Secretaries Day. Boss: I hope it's okay to be an angry clown. 
19960621	Dilbert: I was going to get the "Buns of Steel" video but I'm making excellent progress without it. Liz: When they say steel, it refers to hardness, not weight. Dilbert: I KNEW it seemed too easy. Liz: Stay away from large magnets. 
19960622	Wally: The only employee suggestions that get accepted are the ones that are harmless and stupid. I submitted some harmless and stupid ideas to test my theory. Suggestion: Suggestion: Replace all #2 pencils with #4 pencils. The hard lead lasts longer yet costs the same. Boss: That could work. 
19960623	Dilbert: I won't always be around to be your mentor, Asok. So I've captured all of my career wisdom in this software, which I call the "Automentor." Asok: Automentor, how can I achieve job satisfaction? Automentor: Try giving yourself a massage in your cubicle. Asok: Automentor, how can I make sure my accomplishments get noticed? Automentor: That's not a problem at this company; Nobody accomplishes anything. Asok: Should I look for a new job? Automentor: Too late; They don't call this place the "resume stain" for nothing. Asok: How do you handle all the hopelessness? Dilbert: I give it to the new guy. 
19960624	Alice: Here's a draft of my new objectives. I tried to make them achievable. Boss: "No matter how stupid my coworkers are, I will not punch a hole in anyone's torso, rip out a vital organ and keep it in my cubicle as a warning to others." Wally: I hope she gets those objectives approved. Alice: YES! IT'S MEASURABLE! 
19960625	Dilbert: I could sit here doing nothing. Or I could implement a bold quality initiative with the help of my talented and energetic coworkers. I crack me up. 
19960626	Boss: What exactly is the Dogbert Day Care concept? Dogbert: Progressive companies can provide day care without spending a bundle. Boss: Wouldn't we spend a fortune on duct tape? Dogbert: It's reusable unless it gets slobbered on. 
19960627	Dogbert: Alice, I need to gather some requirements before designing the company child care facility. Do you mind if your children spend the day sewing garments in a windowless room full of illegal aliens? Alice: I mind. Dogbert: I'll put you down as a maybe. Alice: Would I get a discount on those garments? 
19960628	Dogbert: Here's my final plan for the company's day care facility. I call it Free Range Day Care. The children are allowed to roam free among the cubicles. It's very economical. Boy: I don't believe he's really an evil troll. Girl: Look at the "Powerpoint" slides he's making. It's not human. 
19960629	Boss: The results of the employee satisfaction survey are in. Scores for my department are dismal. I'm assigning you to the satisfaction task force until the problem is solved. Dilbert: Please...Anything but that... Boss: How satisfied are you NOW? 
19960630	Dilbert: I'll call my invention the D-Chip Television Filter. Dogbert: I feel safer already. Dilbert: It screens out any show with violence. Dogbert: There goes the news, sports and dramas. Dilbert: It also gets rid of shows that feature dishonesty or sexual innuendoes. Dogbert: Goodbye comedy and commercials. Dilbert: Let's hook it up. All we're getting is weather reports. Television: A huge tornado ripped through a (beep) sssssssssssss. Dilbert: It works! The evil can't get to us now, Dogbert. Dogbert: Unhook that #!&% thing or I'll rip off your leg and beat you to death with it. 
19960701	Dilbert: Ratbert, my company is hiring for our Quality Assurance group. You'd be perfect. Ratbert: What would I have to do? Dilbert: You would find flaws in our new product, thus making yourself an object of intense hatred and ridicule. Ratbert: But then you'd fix those flaws...And your respect for me would grow into a special bond of friendship, right?! Dilbert: No, then we ship. 
19960702	Ratbert: I'd be perfect for the job in Quality Assurance. Here's my resume. Boss: Are you bothered by the fact that half of your words are spelled wrong? Ratbert: Nope! I'm not even bothered by your anal-retentive behavior. Boss: You're hired. Your bonus will negate 100% of your base salary. Okay? Ratbert: I don't see any problem with that. 
19960703	Ratbert: My Quality Assurance review of your beta product turned up a few bugs, Wally. I've classified the bugs by severity: 1) lethal, 2) boneheaded, 3)vexing. Wally: All I see are lethal and vexing. Where's boneheaded? Ratbert: I'm trying to rent a stadium to hold the printout. 
19960704	Boss: In the short time you've worked in Quality Assurance, you've found a huge number of flaws in our prototype. Ratbert: That's my job! Boss: You're jeopardizing our schedule. The entire project will fail and it's all YOUR fault. Ratbert: Why is it MY fault? Boss: If a tree falls in the forest...and we've already sold the tree...does it have quality? Ratbert: How many angels can dance on your head? 
19960705	Boss: Let's have a little premeeting to prepare for the meeting tomorrow. Dilbert: Woah! Do you think it's safe to jump right into the premeeting without planning it? Boss: Okay, let's get this preliminary premeeting meeting going. Wally: You think you're funny, but you're not. 
19960706	Willy: I couldn't help noticing the bugs in the program on this old diskette you threw away. I fixed the bugs and tightened the code from twelve thousand lines to sixteen. Dilbert: It took me three months to write that program. Willy: I took the liberty of updating your resume. I'm guessing you'll need it soon. 
19960707	Boss: I'll be writing your performance review this afternoon. But this morning I'm helping my daughter sell Cub Girl cookies. For your shopping convenience, I have assigned a name to each volume level. Dilbert: Zero to four boxes is the "downsizer" volume... Five to eight boxes is the "low performer" level... Let's say six hundred boxes. Boss: Ahh...the "fast tracker." An excellent choice. Dilbert: What's your daughter's name. Boss: Ooh...Gotta go. Wally: I only bought twelve boxes. Now I'm the "United Way" chairperson. Dilbert: I just signed your name for six hundred more. 
19960708	Dogbert: Someday when I become the supreme ruler of Earth Dogbert: I'll order everybody to go outside once a day and run around with their mouths open. Dilbert: Because you support fresh air and exercise? Dogbert: Because I hate flies.
19960709	Ted: Thanks for making that product mock-up last week. The customer liked it so much that he ordered a thousand! Dilbert: That was a MOCK-UP! We don't make that product yet. It would take three years to make one. Ted: Just give me a thousand mock-ups. The first one was terrific! Dilbert: The mock-up was our competitor's product with duct tape over the logo. 
19960710	Dilbert: I'll need your full management support in this meeting with sales. Boss: Just watch the master at work. Ted: I promised a customer a product that we don't make. You need to engineer-up a thousand units by early next week. Boss: Is Thursday okay? Wait until he finds out that Thursday isn't "early next week." Hee hee! 
19960711	Boss: I'm assigning each of you to a separate "quality" initiative. Wally: Is there any risk this will devour our productive hours, lower our morale and have no impact on our profitability? Boss: And we'll have a contest to come up with a name for the overall initiative. Wally: How about "Qualicide"? 
19960712	Carol: He's in with the other managers in an employee rating and ranking session. Your salary depends on how well your boss can defend your proposed raise to the other managers. Dilbert: SOB. Manager: I'm fairly sure this Dilbert guy works for you. Boss: Doesn't ring a bell. 
19960713	Caption: Catbert, the evil director of Human Resources. Catbert: Wally, it's time for your mandatory blood test. Wally: I don't take drugs. Catbert: I'm testing to see if you're stealing time from the company. Wally: Time? How can you test for that? Catbert: We test your general health. If it's good, you're not working enough hours. You thief. 
19960714	Boss: According to this phone bill, you've been making personal calls. That's like stealing from the company, Alice. Alice: Must...control...fist...of...death... I spent eighty cents to tell my family I was working late. Here's a dollar. The extra twenty cents is for the personal thought I'm about to have on company time. And here's my bill for $40,000 in unpaid overtime that the company stole from me. Boss: That's not stealing; that's being competitive. Alice: I think I'll be competitive with a few bushels of office supplies later today. 
19960715	Caption: Catbert, the evil director of Human Resources. Catbert: According to my sources, you've been enjoying your job, Wally. Wally: It was temporary. I don't know what got into me... Catbert: Please refer to page one of the employee manual. Wally: "Job satisfaction is the same as stealing from the company." Catbert: I'll have to charge you for admission unless I start hearing some shrieks of pain. 
19960716	Dilbert: In the year that we've dated, Liz, you've often mentioned various problems in your life. I have compiled those problems into a list of requirements and developed a comprehensive set of solutions. Liz: How thoughtful. I didn't even know I was broken. Dilbert: No, no, not broken...Just a bit buggy. 
19960717	Liz: Um...When I've shared my feelings with you, I wasn't hoping you'd design an action plan to solve all of my problems. Dilbert: Why else would you tell me all of your problems...Unless it's some demented plot to make yourself feel better at my expense. You were right. It was all a demented plot. Dogbert: I'm trying to gradually lift your veil of ignorance. 
19960718	Boss: Our new "recognition program" assigns the names of precious gems to your levels of performance. The highest level is diamond. You get a new ring at each level. Wally: Are you sure talc is a precious gem? Dilbert: I just saw it sparkle. 
19960719	Dilbert: As you can see from my ring, I'm a member of the "Talc Club" at work. With hard work and a bit of luck I will rise to the next level: shale. Dogbert: I can honestly say my respect for you has never been higher. Dilbert: Someday, God willing, I'll make to aluminum. 
19960720	Boss: It's time for me to update your objectives, Alice. We need targets that can only be achieved by amazingly hard work plus the constant support of management. I'm busy, so you'll have to write them yourself. Alice: What's wrong with this picture? 
19960721	Dilbert: Dogbert, do you think love is the strongest force in the universe? Dogbert: No, I'd have to go with stupidity. Followed closely by its cousin ignorance. Morning breath is number three. Thanks for reminding me. Then you've got selfishness, lust, fear, money and luck. Dilbert: But love is in the top ten, right? Dogbert: It's fourteenth, right after foolish optimism. Dilbert: Someone needs his little round back scratched. Dogbert: Do not. Dilbert: Where's love now? Dogbert: It's down and to the left...LEFT!! LEFT!! LEFT!! Oowahh... 
19960722	Dilbert: Now that job security is a thing of the past, I've noticed that my company loyalty has vanished, too. And when you made my bonus primarily dependent on the blunders of senior management, my motivation fluttered away like a lonely sparrow. Boss: So your point is? Dilbert: No point. I just didn't have any reason to be working. 
19960723	Ratbert: I may be an ignorant rat, but that's okay because ignorance is...um...um... Dilbert: BLISS...Ignorance is BLISS. Ratbert: Oh, great. Now it's gone. Dilbert: Oops. 
19960724	Alice: I admit I was skeptical when you said I would be empowered to make my own decisions... But I give you credit. You've let me work independently for three months...What's that look on your face? Please tell me that it was empowerment I was experiencing. Boss: Did I ever mention that your project was canceled. 
19960725	Dilbert: It looks like we'll release our new product on time, despite its many defects. We've minimized the economic impact of the defects via an advanced business process called "hoping nobody notices." And we've doubled our projected income by modifying our assumptions! Wally: A lot of this job is mental. 
19960726	Dogbert: Here in the "Dogbert Institute for Advanced Thinking," I have devised a plan for ending poverty. My plan is to wait until there are so many talk shows on television that all the people with wretched lives can be paid guests. Dilbert: What about the poor people who don't want to be on talk shows? Dogbert: We'll get the stragglers on "Cops." 
19960727	Dogbert: From now on, I will not try to reason with the idiots I encounter. I will dismiss them by waving my paw and saying "bah." Dilbert: Just because someone thinks differently from you doesn't mean he's an idiot, Dogbert. Dogbert: Bah. 
19960728	Caption: The budget trap. Boss: I need a quick estimate for how much your next project will cost, Wally. Wally: How should I know? You haven't even told me what my next project is. Boss: That's okay. I only need a rough estimate for planning purposes. Wally: I see where this is going. You're going to turn my wild guess into a budget. Later I'll be blamed when it's wrong. Boss: No, no. I won't hold you to these numbers. Wally: Well...Okay, let's say two million dollars. Boss: Ooh...Can't afford that. I'll put you down for twenty thousand dollars. Caption: One year later... Boss: You're way over budget. Can you show me the cause? Wally: It depends. Can mirrors reflect your image? 
19960729	Dogbert: Larry, I'm here to announce my candidacy for Supreme Ruler of the Universe. Larry: That's funny! Tell us about your next movie, Sharon. Dogbert: I'm not Sharon Stone. I said that to get on the show. Larry: So...When I embraced you before the show... Dogbert: I think we're both glad I have no visible mouth. 
19960730	Dogbert: Vote for me and I will reform the tax code so that only idiots have to pay taxes! Crowd: YAHOO!! DOGBERT. DOGBERT. DOGBERT. Dogbert: I hope nobody asks me to define "idiots." Dilbert: ...So, under your plan I wouldn't pay ANY taxes, right? 
19960731	Briber: I'm from the association for products that are bad for you. Here's a generous contribution to your campaign. Dogbert: This is so cool! I'll use your money to get elected, then I'll put your entire industry in prison to cover my tracks! Briber: This probably wrecks my chances of being named Briber of the Month. 
19960801	Dogbert: The votes are in. I've been elected to the position of Supreme Ruler of Earth. I won in a landslide, thanks to low voter turnout and the fact that I voted for myself many times. Dilbert: I hope you'll be a benevolent ruler. Dogbert: I think I'll make caning an Olympic event. 
19960802	Dogbert: My dominion over the planet is not widely recognized by the dolts who are breathing my air. So I've declared total sovereignty over a small, ever-widening zone surrounding my body. Dilbert: How big is the zone? Dogbert: You have just entered Dogbertland. Please show your passport and leave the oxygen alone! 
19960803	Boss: If we are to succeed, you must become change masters in an ever-changing, change-adaptive environment. Wally: Let me get this straight...Every change seems to increase our workload while decreasing our job security and real earnings after inflation... And the problem is OUR lack of flexibility? Boss: Not entirely. There's also your bad morale. 
19960804	Boss: Carol, from now on I'd like you to type up all of my incoming voice mail so I can read it. And print out all of my e-mail every day so I don't have to log onto the network. And get me a sandwich from the cafeteria. Ooh, no cash. I'll pay you back. Carol: Do you want me to prechew the sandwich or can you handle that on your own? Listen up, you overpaid engineers... By order of the reclusive boss, the new dress code for engineers is bumblebee costumes. If you don't believe me, send him voice mail and ask